


Hound's Release

by PerfectNezumi



Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M, Yaoi, kakairu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-24
Updated: 2014-03-30
Packaged: 2017-11-16 22:51:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 33
Words: 142,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerfectNezumi/pseuds/PerfectNezumi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi and Iruka have been together for a while, but Kakashi is keeping a dangerous secret. Will it break their relationship, or will it make them stronger?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first AO3 submission so please forgive any mistakes I make in setting it up (or better yet, tell me what I should fix). I wrote this over at FF.net (where I go by Cardboard Bike) but it got deleted, which might tell you something about how violent it is. Please heed the warnings, this is not a tame story.

When Hound discovered Kakashi’s secret obsession it was on accident. He was heading home from the Hokage Tower after a particularly trying mission when he felt a sudden compulsion to stop at a certain building. Having survived ANBU for so long only because he had trusted his instincts he paused in his stride, slipped down from the roof, and landed in a crouch in a tree beside the building. The tree had a large branch that almost reached to the window of the only room which was still lit up, it being sometime past midnight. Hound felt strangely comfortable on this branch. He crept forward silently, chakra fully masked, and tilted his head at just the right angle to see into the room through the gap in the curtains. If he were a lesser shinobi he would have gasped in shock, or widened his eyes. As it was he did neither, keeping both eyes trained on the man in the room, sharingan recording for later viewings.

The room was a bedroom, and the best word to describe it would be cosy. It was lit by a single lamp, a light that was soft but bright enough to let Hound see in quite clearly. The walls were painted a soothing yellow and even the shadows splashed across them seemed calming. They were lined with bookshelves that strained mightily under the weight of the various texts and papers they held, none of which had conspicuous orange covers. The bed was covered in a beautiful deep red duvet that seemed almost velvet in texture. 

However Hound didn’t notice any of that, though he would when he checked this memory later. He was staring transfixed at the man on the bed, the wholly naked and panting man whose body teased in and out of shadows as he moved. He had shoulder length dark hair that was spread around his face like a dirty halo, and his bottom lip was clenched firmly between his teeth in an attempt to keep from screaming out. He had his eyes squeezed shut and Hound got the feeling that if he opened them they would be expressive in an incredible way. The man let out a tiny whimper, only noticeable to Hound because he was focusing so intently, and arched his back off the bed. His whole body was encased in a light sheen of sweat, and it made his tanned skin glisten in the lamplight. One of his hands was pulling and teasing at a dark nipple, the other wrapped tightly around his cock, jerking furiously. His eyes flew open as he came, glazed and unseeing as his whole body tensed and shuddered. Then he lay quiet, eyes fluttering closed and slight tremors raking over him. “Ka-ashi,” he breathed, before drifting off to sleep.

 _Interesting,_ Hound thought, straightening his neck with a sharp crack. He leaned back against the trunk of the tree and carefully probed Kakashi’s thoughts. _Umino Iruka, hmm?_ He didn’t usually pry into that part of his mind when he was wearing the mask, for he had no use for the reckless emotions and guilt over old teammates and that ridiculous genin team that resided there. But there was some connection here that interested him, and it excited him almost as much as the thrill of the hunt.

 

Kakashi snapped awake, alert in an instant like always. He moved to his bathroom out of habit and methodically stripped in front of the mirror, going through the routine of checking himself for wounds. When he was satisfied that all he’d obtained the day before were a few scratches he removed his hitai ate and stepped into the shower, letting the steady stream of warm water release some of the tension from his muscles. He could never remember much from his ANBU assignments, but something was worrying him about this last one. However, he had no clue as to what it was and no inclination to search Hound for it. 

He sighed as he rubbed shampoo into his unruly mop of hair, lifting it from where it had flattened across his forehead. He’d had a shower when he’d come home last night, he knew that much, but he’d been so tired he hadn’t done much more than get the blood off. It was always a bit disorientating to find himself suddenly standing in the middle of his bedroom covered in blood and feeling completely drained. Unfortunately, that was something that came with the job.

His leg twinged as he bent to pick up the conditioner, reminding him that he really should stretch his muscles more before letting Hound go out and fight. He considered going to see his favourite Sensei and begging for a massage, before remembering that Iruka would be teaching right now. And Iruka-sensei didn’t take kindly to perverted jōnin suddenly appearing in his classroom, no matter how needy they were. He grinned as he cleaned the suds out of his hair. He’d probably go see Iruka anyway. He did have a reputation to keep up, after all. _And_ he’d just come back from a mission. 

 

Iruka was wiping notes on the Kyuubi war off the board when Kakashi arrived. Deciding to go for the laziest approach possible the jōnin had used a transportation jutsu to teleport right into the classroom. He liked getting Iruka mad, the man looked damn hot when he was yelling. Not that he’d tell him that, of course.

When Iruka turned and noticed Kakashi lounging against his desk he surprised him by not yelling and instead bounding towards him and hugging him. Kakashi considered disentangling himself and stepping away but couldn’t be bothered. Besides, it felt nice. Instead he put his own arms around the chūnin’s back and pulled him closer. “Maa, Sensei, won’t it bother your students to see you hugging a well-known pervert?” he asked, eye crinkling to a smile.

Iruka pulled back slightly, shaking his head. “If you hadn’t noticed, all the students have gone home already. And you’re not really a pervert. You’re kind of soft, underneath all the famous Copy-nin thousand jutsu stuff.”

Kakashi scratched the back of his head, deciding to ignore the ‘soft’ part of the sentence. “Hn. I must have slept later than I thought.”  
Iruka laughed then, and Kakashi thought it had definitely been worth getting out of bed to do this. Iruka’s laugh was addictive. He could float on it all day.

“I’m glad you came to see me though,” Iruka said, almost shyly. “I was worried about you. You’re not hurt anywhere, are you?” 

“Well,” Kakashi said slowly, “My legs _are_ kind of stiff.”

Iruka smiled. “You want a massage?”

Kakashi tried not to nod too eagerly. Iruka noticed and chuckled. “It’s what you came here for, isn’t it?”

Kakashi bowed his head and scratched the back of his neck again awkwardly. “Maa, Sensei, you know me too well.”

“Well, if you help me pack up these papers you’re welcome to come home with me,” Iruka said, gesturing at his desk. “I just have to finish cleaning off the board and write up some stuff for tomorrows lessons, it shouldn’t take too long.”

Kakashi complied eagerly, childishly excited that he got to go home with his Iruka-sensei. They’d only been dating for a couple of months and he wasn’t completely sure of what he was and wasn’t allowed to do around the touchy chūnin, wary that there were boundaries he shouldn’t attempt to cross. It’d been a while since he’d tried to have a relationship with anyone – well, he hadn’t ever tried, he had to admit. There was that one time, with Genma, but that was more of a sex thing than any type of courting relationship. And even that had been – he had to think about it – almost ten years ago now, when he hadn’t been doing the ANBU thing for very long. This thing with Iruka was very new and very precious, and he was constantly afraid he’d break the smaller man, or at least piss him off so much he’d be kicked away.

“Kakashi?” Iruka was looking at him, smiling warmly and holding out his hand. “We can go now, if you like.”

Kakashi smiled back – not that Iruka could see it – and took the hand offered to him. The contact stirred up the butterflies in his stomach, even though he was still wearing his gloves.

 

Kakashi stood in Iruka’s apartment feeling even more nervous than he had in Iruka’s classroom. He’d let go of Iruka’s hand as soon as they left the building and the chūnin’s dark brown eyes had gone murky with unhappiness but he hadn’t said anything.

He had wanted to explain but the words wound themselves around his tongue and stuck in his throat. He wanted to say that he really really would like to hold Iruka’s hand but he was scared because he didn’t want to sully his reputation or let any of his enemies know he was important to him because then he’d be targeted and get hurt and it’d all be his fault. He didn’t say anything, because he was the Copy-ninja and he wasn’t supposed to get scared.

Iruka stretched his arms above his head with a yawn and removed his flak jacket, tossing it onto the floor, before turning to Kakashi with a smile that said he was forgiven. “If you still want that massage you’re going to have to get rid of some of those clothes you’re wearing, you know.” 

Kakashi let out the breath that he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. Apparently it wasn’t too big of a deal not to want to show affection in public. Then he clicked to what had actually been said, and struggled to keep his nerves under control. “Maa, Sensei, you want me to strip for you?” he asked languidly, pairing the words with a leer.

Iruka blushed lightly but stood his ground. “It’s your choice.” He shrugged and wandered off to the bedroom, knowing Kakashi would follow. When he did, Iruka shut the door carefully and started unzipping the older man’s vest. “If you have a bit of a problem with taking your clothes off I’m happy to do it for you,” the chūnin said cheerfully.

Kakashi allowed himself to be stripped, feeling more naked without his weapons pouch than without his pants. Iruka stopped when he was down to just his underwear, mask and hitai ate and tapped his bottom lip thoughtfully. “You know, I’d kind of hoped you wore something interesting under your uniform, seeing as it’s the only thing you ever wear.” 

The jōnin looked down at himself, wincing at how pale he was, and noted he was wearing plain black underwear of a non-descript type. “What did you think I’d be wearing?” He was genuinely confused. Did Iruka think he’d wear Gai-like spandex under his pants? Green wasn’t really his colour, thank you very much.

“Oh, I don’t know really.” The chūnin looked like he was putting altogether too much thought into this. “Icha Icha boxers, or something.”

“Oh.” Kakashi felt like he’d failed some kind of test. He wished the chūnin had told him earlier so he could have gone and bought something a little more interesting, though he had no idea what, or why interesting underwear was so important.

Something of this must have shown on his face because Iruka laughed at him, pulling him over to the bed with warm hands. “Kakashi, don’t take everything so seriously. It’s just a silly little thing, really. I couldn’t care less what you wear, because sooner or later it’s gonna come off anyway. Now, lie down.” He all but pushed the unresisting jōnin onto the bed then sat on top of him. “Right. Now where do I start?”

“Anywhere.” Kakashi shrugged. The chūnin’s words had made him feel a little better, but he still felt he was missing something by way of underwear etiquette. Soon Iruka’s hands made him forget all about the underwear and the hand holding, ghosting over his skin and pressing in all the right places to release little knots of tension, making his body feel strangely loose and relaxed. In fact, he was so relaxed he was completely unaware of the little sounds of pleasure he was making, and Iruka delighted in eliciting them from him. It took all of his willpower to keep himself from molesting the poor helpless jōnin. 

“Gods, Kakashi you sound so damn _sexy_ when you moan like that,” he purred into the closest ear, flicking it with the tip of his tongue for good measure.

Kakashi startled out of his peaceful state ungraciously. “Maa?”

Iruka chuckled, low and sensual, and lowered his body so that he was pressed fully against the older man, from ankle to neck. There was no mistaking the feel of an erection pressing against his thigh, and Kakashi was quite suddenly fully alert. “Iruka, is this going to turn into sex?” Sex he could handle. It was the whole dating thing that got to him. Relating to people in a social fashion was something he found extremely trying.

“Please,” Iruka breathed, and Kakashi felt himself harden as Iruka ground his clothed hips closer to his own.

The jōnin let out a low chuckle that made the hair on the back of Iruka’s neck stand up. “My, Sensei, we are impatient aren’t we?”

Iruka flushed red and mock punched him in the chest. “You’ve been away for a whole week. I need this. The only interaction I’ve had with adults is the jōnin in the mission room and I’m not entirely sure they count.”

Kakashi grabbed his arms and flipped them over so he was leaning over Iruka. He pulled down his mask and moved in close so their noses were almost touching. “Don’t forget that I’m one of those jōnin. And you better not be fucking any of _them_.”

Iruka’s eyes widened. “I wouldn’t!”

Kakashi just watched him with one steady eye while grabbing a kunai off the nightstand. For the first time Iruka questioned why he had ever decided it was a good idea to keep weapons in his bedroom. With a quick flick of the wrist the kunai was used to slice up the front of the chūnin’s uniform shirt, rendering it useless. Once Iruka got over the shock of a knife so close to his ribs he protested, “That was my only -” but was cut of by his own gasp as Kakashi bit his shoulder, hard, then licked the place he’d bitten.

“You belong to me, and only me, got it?” He licked the spot again. It was already starting to bruise. “And you can borrow one of mine.”

Iruka lay back against the pillows and tried to remember exactly when he had lost control of this. Then Kakashi kissed him, and he decided it didn’t really matter. Kakashi kissed like he was starving of hunger and the only thing that would satisfy him was the taste of Iruka. He kissed as if his life depended on it, desperate and fast and dominating. When he finally pulled back both of them felt like they had been running for miles.

“’Kashi.” Iruka arched his back and pushed his groin into the jōnin’s, making the older man shudder.

“Too many clothes,” he groaned, and Iruka half feared that he’d have to buy another pair of pants as well as a shirt, but his lover somehow managed to get his pants onto the floor without ripping them, all while littering his face and neck with tiny fluttering kisses. Once fully naked he followed these up with harder, more seductive kisses that had Iruka writhing beneath him. He kissed and licked and bit his way down his chūnin’s chest to his belly button, where he stopped and swirled his tongue around it in a lazy circle, enchanted by the thin trail of hair reaching up towards it. 

His smile when he felt Iruka thread his fingers gently into his hair quickly morphed into a leer when his head was shoved roughly downwards until his face was level with a very hard, straining cock. He stretched out his tongue and licked it slowly, from root to tip, enjoying the way his lover shivered all over. “You are very desperate tonight, aren’t you?” he said, amused. Iruka merely whimpered in reply, shifting his hips in an attempt to get closer to that warm mouth he knew was right there ready to take him in. “Tsk tsk.” Kakashi stuck out his tongue again and gave his lovers erection a quick lick. “You know you can have it if you want it. All you have to do is ask.” Iruka moaned and clutched at Kakashi’s hair.

Kakashi blew on the cock in front of him gently. He’d love to take it in his mouth, but it would be so much sweeter if he could get his chūnin to beg for it. He was so damn sexy when he begged, and Kakashi took pleasure in knowing he could turn the sweet little sensei into a dirty, cock-sucking slut. Of course in this case he’d be the one doing the cock sucking but hey, who was counting?  
The fingers were tightening in his hair and it made the jōnin’s scalp tingle. “Please, ‘Kashi.” His voice came out as little more than a whisper. “Please?”

“Please what?” Kakashi curled his hand around the tip of the chūnin’s member and gave it a quick jerk upwards before releasing it completely. “I need to hear you say it.”

Iruka let out a breathy moan that made Kakashi want to take him then and there. “Oh, please.” But he had to ask for it first. Kakashi wasn’t going to break his own rules. He carefully removed one of the hands from his hair and took the first two fingers into his mouth, swirling his tongue round them and sucking hard. This finally got him the response he wanted. “Gods Kakashi I need you, I need you please put me in your mouth please? I can’t -”

Kakashi released the fingers instantly and swallowed Iruka whole, one hand teasing his balls lightly while the other hand reached for the nightstand in a blind search for lube. “Oh, Gods,” Iruka moaned, a little of his tension eased now he had what he wanted.  
His lover chuckled around his cock, making his whole body quiver and his back arch slightly. Kakashi moved his mouth upwards and off with a popping sound as the suction released. “I’m not a deity yet, Sensei. You can just call me Kakashi-sama.”

“I’ll call you ‘Kashi,” Iruka said decisively, but that’s where his coherent thoughts ran out because that sneaky jōnin had his mouth on his cock again and he was doing things with his tongue that he’d never have thought could possibly bring so much pleasure. It felt so amazing he didn’t register the slick fingers probing his entrance until they hit his prostate, making him jerk upwards in surprise, accidentally ramming himself further down Kakashi’s throat than the jōnin was comfortable with.

“Again!” The chūnin demanded, not caring or not realising that he was in no position to be the one giving orders.  
Kakashi gave one last swirl of his tongue before removing his mouth from his lover’s member, having realised the danger of staying in his current position, and complied without complaint to the command. He tilted his fingers slightly upwards to tap a slow but unrelenting pattern on that sweet spot. He figured Iruka didn’t notice when he added a third finger from the way his eyes were squeezed shut and his bottom lip was held so tightly by his front teeth that it had gone pale from the lack of blood flowing to it.

“Don’t hold in your noise on account of me, Sensei. I want to hear you scream.” Kakashi punctuated the last word with a sharp jab upwards with his fingers. Iruka’s mouth flew open and he let out an unearthly wail that sent shivers straight through the jōnin down to his loins.

“Oh please – you – I want -” Iruka grabbed blindly and finally latched onto the older man’s previously ignored erection. Kakashi groaned and slicked himself up as fast as he could, pressing against his chūnin’s entrance and pushing in. _Fuck waiting for him to say it clearly,_ he thought, _I need to take him now. The rules can wait._ It was probably a good thing, because by this point Iruka had forgotten most of his vocabulary as well as the finer details of stringing a simple sentence together and had no idea how to vocalize what he wanted properly.

“’Kashi.” That word he could remember, and he repeated it like a mantra in the same rhythm as the long strokes of the man thrusting into him, at peak points breaking stride and losing his word altogether in pants and moans and wet, sloppy kisses.  
Kakashi’s vision had narrowed down to just his chūnin’s face where he could see nothing but sweaty, tangled hair, wide, dark eyes and perhaps best of all that gorgeous, inviting mouth, open and panting and calling his name. He could feel himself nearing release and started stroking his lover in a rhythm as close to his thrusts as possible, and was surprised but not upset when Iruka came first with a cry that was almost his name, splattering all over his hand and his own chest. Kakashi thrust harder and faster into the now quivering chūnin a few times before coming himself with a barely restrained guttural moan, collapsing on top of his lover.

He waited a few minutes to catch his breath before sliding out gently, which earned him a sharp intake of breath, and padding out of the room. He returned quickly with a damp washcloth which he used to clean off his lover, having dealt with his own mess in the bathroom. Tossing the cloth in the general direction of the washing basket – there would be time for proper cleaning later – he curled up protectively around his chūnin and pulled the blankets over them both. Iruka snuggled back into his warmth, and promptly fell asleep.

 

When Iruka woke up he felt more relaxed than he had in a long time. His pillow was incredibly warm and soft and… breathing? Keeping his eyes closed he stretched out an arm and felt out his surroundings. His fingers travelled across the smoothest of surfaces before hitting a sharp ridge. Past that was a slight hollow surrounded by cushy material which warm air was coming out of. 

His eyes flew open when the pillow ate his fingers. “Oh. Kakashi. I forgot you came back.” The tension he hadn’t even realised he was holding released, and he sunk back into the bed.

Kakashi licked the tip of his finger before letting it drop from his mouth and chuckled, a deep rumbling sound. “What on earth were you doing?”

“Mmm.” Iruka squirmed a little closer, pressing his face into Kakashi’s shoulder and deigning not to answer. The older man decided he might as well let it go and wrapped his arms around his chūnin.

“How are you feeling, Sensei?”

Iruka looked up and saw a hint of worry in those mismatched eyes. “I’m fine. I just wish… could you not call me Sensei?”

“Why not?” Kakashi was surprised. He liked his naughty little sensei.

“Because.” Iruka buried his face in the warm flesh before him. “It just feels like maybe you’re thinking abut someone else when you call me that. Like you can’t remember my name, or that it doesn’t matter.”

“Oh.” Kakashi kissed the top of his head softly. “I’m sorry, Iruka. What would you like me to call you?”

“I don’t know!” His mind was throwing him screeds of cute nicknames that would make him melt inside if the Copy-nin ever called him by them but he’d be damned if he’d ever tell Kakashi that. “Just Iruka, I guess.” 

“Okay, Iruka.” Kakashi tightened his grip on the body in his arms and felt it shiver. _There goes the end of my schoolroom fantasies,_ he thought, but without bitterness.


	2. Chapter 2

Iruka wiped the condensation off his mirror with the sleeve of his dressing gown and pulled a face at his reflection. He hadn’t seen his lover for a few days because Kakashi was on a mission, and that generally meant that he worked himself half to death just so he didn’t have time to think about what might be happening to the jōnin on said missions. He didn’t try to fool himself about the types of missions Kakashi got; after all, he was the one who handed them out. He’d given him the scroll for the last one, actually, which is why he wasn’t unduly worried at the moment. The scrolls to worry about were the ones that didn’t have missions on them at all, the ones that merely said _See Hokage._ If Iruka was allowed to hand Kakashi the scroll then the mission wasn’t ANBU. And if the mission wasn’t ANBU the chance of survival went up dramatically.

Iruka sighed and pushed a handful of wet hair away from his face. Even if he wasn’t so much worried for him, he still wished he’d hurry up and come home. He felt warmth tingling in his chest as he thought about the conversation they’d had before Kakashi had departed, looking every bit a shinobi and not at all like a lover.

_“Iruka, how close are we?” The Copy-nin’s face was uncovered, and uncharacteristically serious._

_“What do you mean?” Iruka was surprised, and a little worried. That didn’t sound particularly good. “We’re… lovers, aren’t we?”_

_“Yes.” Kakashi’s eyes bored into him. “Does that mean I can come to you after a mission?”_

_Iruka’s heart doubled its speed. “Why are you asking this? You know you can come over any time.”_

_“I want to know if I am allowed to climb into your bed if I get back in the middle of the night. I’ll try not to disturb you. I just get lonely.” Kakashi gave a small self-depreciating smile._

_Iruka reached out and hugged him. “Yes,” he whispered. “I would like that. Then I know you’re safe as soon as you get back.”  
_  
The smile he got in return was worth the worry he knew he was going to go through for the next few days. It was worth even more when he realised that he was the only one who got to see that smile.

The chūnin smiled to himself. He’d always thought of Kakashi as an arrogant cocky bastard. Who knew that behind the lazy front he was incredibly insecure? It was cute though, he had to admit; the way the great Copy-ninja, feared shinobi of Konoha, lost his cockiness because of him, a mere chūnin schoolteacher. He still pinched himself every morning that he woke up with Kakashi in his bed, just to make doubly sure he wasn’t dreaming. 

He studied himself in the mirror. His hair, eyes and skin were all varying shades of brown. A dull expanse broken only by the lighter slash across his nose that was his scar. He touched it lightly, brushing over the long-healed skin with just his fingertips, and sighed again. He had no idea what had drawn the elusive Copy-nin to him and could only hope that he’d be able to keep his interest. Before him Kakashi had been notorious for bedding anyone and everyone, although he had yet to find proof of this. He half-believed and half-hoped that the rumours were just that, rumours, started because of the silver-haired ninja’s nasty porn-reading habit. 

Stifling a yawn Iruka padded out of the bathroom towards his bedroom. He’d had a busy day, first teaching then covering a double shift at the mission desk. Thankfully in the last two hours the steady stream of shinobi coming in for missions had died down to a trickle and he’d had time to mark most of the tests he’d given the mini-nins yesterday. He should really finish the last few tonight, but his shower had left him feeling relaxed and lazy and he felt he deserved a bit of a rest. He could get up early tomorrow and mark them.

After checking that the window was unlatched and open a fraction he slipped out of his robe and in between the cool sheets, enjoying the feel of silk against his bare skin. Iruka wouldn’t have chosen silk sheets for himself - he was a simple man at heart, with simple needs – but Kakashi had insisted, and he was grateful. The smooth material felt deliciously sinful against his skin, and practically begged him to sleep naked. 

Despite his fears for Kakashi’s safety Iruka fell asleep almost immediately, a small smile on his lips as he dreamt of his love.

 

Kakashi pulled on a pair of loose cotton pants, almost tripping over his own feet in his hurry. He was so damn _tired,_ and the only thing he’d wanted to do since arriving back in the village was go to bed and sleep. However, the bed he wanted to sleep in was Iruka’s, preferably with Iruka also in it, and there was no way in hell he’d get in his chūnin’s bed covered in blood and stinking of sweat. So he’d gone back to his own apartment to wash the death off and was now doing his best to clothe himself to an acceptable standard. 

After stubbing his big toe for the fifth time he growled, “Fuck it,” wrapped a scarf haphazardly around the lower half of his face and jumped out of the window wearing only his pants. 

 

Iruka was woken by a thud, followed by a muffled curse. Still half-asleep, his shinobi instincts kicked in and he had a kunai in his hand almost instantly.

“Maaaaaaaa.” It was the most pitiful whine he’d ever heard, and he worked with small children, for Kami’s sake. “Head hurts.”

He peered curiously over the edge of the bed to see Kakashi sprawled on his floor, cradling his head in his hands, his pale skin lit with an unearthly glow in the waning moonlight. “Oh gods ‘Kashi, I’m sorry!”

He slid off the bed to land on his knees on the floor beside the pale jōnin and pulled him, unresisting, into his arms. Then he gasped. “’Kashi, you’re freezing!”

“Maa.” Kakashi wriggled closer to the warm body offered to him and buried his face in the valley between Iruka’s chin and shoulder, closing his eyes. “Waaaarm.”

Only now realising that Kakashi was wearing only thin pants and a scarf when he was supposed to have just come back from a mission Iruka swallowed all his questions and lifted the limp jōnin onto the bed. Answers could come tomorrow. For now all he could do was make sure his love was safe and warm. “I’ll just go get a hot water bottle. Would you like a hot chocolate or something to warm you up?”

Weak fingers grabbed at his wrist. “No. Stay.” Kakashi’s voice was thin, and it took the last of his strength to speak.

“Okay,” Iruka replied softly, and slipped back into bed, curling his body around Kakashi’s in an attempt to keep him warm. “If you need anything just wake me and ask.”

Kakashi didn’t reply, for he was already asleep.

 

Iruka woke first, and turned to study the sleeping form next to him carefully. Kakashi had obviously gone home before coming to him, and taken a shower most likely, from the way he smelled of vanilla and honey. Iruka trailed his fingers slowly down the torso presented to him, searching for bruises or cuts, and was relieved when he found none. He could just as easily conducted his investigation with his eyes but the feel of skin on skin helped him convince himself that this wasn’t a dream, and Kakashi actually had fallen through his window last night.

Kakashi rolled over to face him and opened his eyes, awakened by the gentle touches, although still sleepy. Iruka blushed under his gaze, remembering that he had forgone clothes when he’d gone to bed last night. “You’re not hurt?” he said, cupping the jōnin’s chin in his hand.

Kakashi’s eyes fluttered closed again. “No. Was just an information gathering mission, used sharingan to record and drained most of my chakra. Just tired.” 

Iruka’s heart bounced at the trust he was being shown. First that Kakashi had let down his guard in his presence, even going so far as to sleep, and second that he was sharing information that was probably classified. “You shouldn’t be telling me that,” he said in a quiet voice.

Kakashi opened one eye, and Iruka was relieved it was the normal one. “I’m sure it doesn’t matter. I think you have higher security clearance than me, almost.” He yawned. “And I know you won’t tell anyone.”

Iruka thought about it, and realised it was probably true. As an ANBU Kakashi would have access to many important scrolls, but probably not as many as him. He’d been singled out by the Sandaime to look after the archives after he’d been discovered as the prankster who had caused trouble all over Konoha as a child. Sandaime had noticed his affinity for traps and nurtured his rudimentary skill until it rivalled even the most advanced trap-master. Then he put this newfound talent to work protecting all of the important information Konoha had to hide. Iruka was the perfect person for the job, for he seldom left the village and so would be a hard target for any enemy nin wanting to steal the secrets of Konoha. 

“Would you like me to make you some breakfast?” Iruka may not have gone on many missions since becoming a teacher but he had completed them before, and he knew just how horrible living off ration bars for a week could be. He also remembered Naruto telling him of the time Kakashi had used his sharingan on a mission and had had to stay in bed for a week, though. “Or do you want to sleep for a while longer?”

Kakashi stretched, cat-like, arching his back off the bed and pointing his toes toward the foot of it. Iruka held his breath. It was a damn sensual move, whether Kakashi knew it or not – and Iruka suspected that no matter how tired he was he _did_ know, because the perverted jōnin was always aware of everything – and it sent blood rushing down to his lower regions, which he gallantly fought off. Kakashi blinked his eyes open again with what seemed like a lot of effort. “Iruka-sensei, do you have anything you need to do today?”

Iruka thought about the children’s tests that he hadn’t completed the previous night. “I have mission room duty this afternoon, but nothing this morning.” He sent a silent apology to the mini-nins in his head. They’d forgive him. 

The older man seemed to be appraising him. Iruka squirmed, slightly uncomfortable. He wasn’t so keen on being stared at while he was naked, especially when the one doing the staring was clothed, even if only partly. 

“Could you -” Kakashi stretched out an arm towards him then frowned, and let his arm flop back onto the mattress. “Never mind.”

“Could I what?” Iruka’s face formed its own frown.

Kakashi smiled a small, half smile. He seemed almost nervous, Iruka thought, surprised. “Could you lie in bed with me? Just for a little while.” His voice was little more than a whisper, and his pale cheeks tinged with pink. His eyes were wide and – pleading? “I won’t be very good company, but if you could stay…”

Iruka smiled and slipped back in between the sheets, wrapping his arms around the jōnin who laid his head on his chest. “Why did you go home before coming to me? You almost gave yourself hypothermia,” he reprimanded gently.

Kakashi snuggled closer, almost drifting back into sleep. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt like this, and it took him a while to name the feeling as content. “Jōnin is dirty,” he said sleepily. “Don’t wan’ get dirty in ‘Ruka’s bed.”

Iruka smiled, lazily threading his fingers through the silver head of hair resting on his chest. _‘Ruka_ was a lot better than _Sensei_ , as nicknames go, and he hoped Kakashi would remember it. “If you’re that worried about it you can always use my shower,” he said. “I don’t want you coming home safe after a mission just to kill yourself slipping off a Konoha roof or freezing to death.”

“Don’t want ‘Ruka know jōnin,” Kakashi insisted, words slurring and eyes closed. “Jōnin… jōnin is killer.”

Iruka cradled one of Kakashi’s hands in his own, and felt a pang of sadness for shinobi everywhere. He knew what his lover was trying to say. This hand which teased moans of pure pleasure out of him, which made him feel more alive than anything else in the world - this hand also killed, stole lives with practiced ease. It was a deadly and beautiful weapon. 

“I am shinobi, Kakashi,” he whispered, gently stroking the hand in his. “I may not be as famous or strong as you, but I’m not innocent. I’ve spilled blood before. You don’t have to hide that from me. It’s a big part of you, and I love and accept it along with the rest of you.”  
The pale hand gripped his fingers tightly for a second, then relaxed again in a silent thank you. Iruka smiled softly in understanding and placed a light kiss on the top of the silver head. 

 

Kakashi’s next mission had him back in Konaha just past noon, and he stumbled blindly on instinct to the one place he knew he’d feel safe. He slid in through a window, picking the lock with practiced ease, and limped his way to the bathroom. Once inside he stripped himself on autopilot, gritting his teeth to stop the yelp that threatened to escape him when the cloth of his pants brushed over his wounded leg.

He refused to look at it and stepped into the shower, wincing slightly as the water pelted his abused body. The mission hadn’t been a particularly bad one, but he’d been careless, and now he was paying for it. Methodically he soaped every inch of his skin, ignoring the pain that came when the soap sunk into scratches previously gone undetected. That done, he grabbed the unfamiliar shampoo bottle and dumped a fair amount of the liquid into his hair, scrubbing furiously. His hair was the one place that the grime of battle refused to let go of, and it often clung to him for a few days. He’d always been a stickler for cleanliness, but since he had started dating Iruka   
Kakashi had become even more aware of how death clung to the body, and was more desperate than ever to be purified.

Stepping out of the shower, Kakashi patted himself dry with a towel and then sat down on the lid of the toilet to study his leg. Now it was clean it looked worse than it had before. It had stopped bleeding when he was halfway home but the shower had stripped some of the clotted blood from the surface of the wound, allowing it to again bleed freely. It was a wide gash stretching just over half the length of his thigh, but not quite wide enough to warrant stitches, and for that he was inherently grateful. He had no intention of visiting the hospital and knew from experience that DIY stitches were incredibly painful. It wasn’t particularly deep, so he’d live. 

The jōnin stood up, ignoring the pain shooting down his leg, and opened the cabinet over top the sink. He pulled out some disinfectant, cotton wool, gauze and clean bandages and set to work cleaning and wrapping the wound. When it was done to his satisfaction he headed toward the bedroom and passed out, naked, on top of the duvet.

 

Iruka was incredibly frustrated. Konohamaru, apparently, had learned a new trick. A trick that involved a lot of exploding paint, resulting in a very colourful classroom, while Iruka did his best to hold in some very colourful language.

“Ko. No. Ha. Ma. _Ru,_ ” he gritted out from between clenched teeth. “What _exactly_ inspired you to rainbow-ize my classroom?”

“It needed a bit of cheer,” the child replied blithely, not quite recognising the danger he was in. The rest of the class, either better attuned to their teacher’s foul temper or just a whole lot smarter, drew in their breath.

Iruka’s hands clenched into fists as he surveyed the damage. The little tyke had managed to set off at least four paint bombs, and caught about half the class in the spray. He glanced at his now red, yellow and blue – and as a result partly purple, orange and green – students and resisted a sigh. The paint was wet and cold and some of them were shivering. One little girl looked like she was about to cry. There was no way he could teach anything more today, not with this mess. He pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to calm himself down.

“Alright, class is over for today. Go on home and get cleaned up.”

The class cheered. It was worth being wet and cold and covered in paint if they got half a day off. 

“But I want five hundred words on how this,” Iruka gestured to the colourful classroom, “Would be useful on a mission, and how it would not.” _The little snots better learn something out of this mess,_ he thought darkly.

The students streamed past him happily, laughing at the colours of their classmates now that they were free to get away from Iruka-sensei and any punishment he might suddenly give them. His keen eye spotted Konohamaru in the crowd hurrying out the door so he stuck out an arm and lifted him up in the air by his cape. “Where do you think _you’re_ going?”

Konohamaru pointed wordlessly out the door as Iruka shook his head. “No, you are going to clean up the mess you’ve made. And I’m going to sit here,” he pointed at the desk, “And watch you until it’s all done.”

The young boy pouted, but took the sponge and bucket handed to him and started unhappily scrubbing at the floor.

 

Iruka breathed a sigh of relief as he stepped through his doorway. _Home._ It had taken Konohamaru two hours to clean up the mess he had made, and he’d had to watch him the whole time because he kept trying to make a break for it out the window. He slipped off his sandals and loosened the bandages around his lower legs, screwing his face up in disgust when he noticed they were decorated with a red splatter pattern. He could feel the paint drying in his hair and on his face. Gross.

_Well, I can scrub it off in the shower and then have a nice long relaxing bath,_ he thought to himself. Yes, a bath sounded good. He had the rest of the day off and, by a stroke of luck, all of tomorrow, so he’d take that bath. 

He was humming by the time he opened the bathroom door but stopped abruptly when he saw the bloodstained uniform strewn across the floor. _Who the hell –_ his mind whirled into gear. _Kakashi!_ Of course, he’d told him he could stop by after missions. But there was quite a bit of blood here, was he hurt? _Where would I go, if I was Kakashi?_

His feet took him instantly to the bedroom, where he froze in shock at the scene before him. No freakin’ way. The Copy-ninja, master of a thousand jutsus, the only non-Uchiha to wield a sharingan eye, was lying naked on his bed curled around a pillow which he was currently _drooling_ on. And it was the cutest thing he’d ever seen.

He crept closer, holding his breath, fearful of waking the sleeping jōnin. A smile found its way onto his lips as he studied the sleeping form. The beautiful curve of a jutting hipbone, the sweep of hair across his face – Iruka reached out to smooth it back, unable to help himself, but was stopped when a hand came out of nowhere and gripped his wrist tightly. One eye blinked open and, upon recognising him, the grip on his wrist relaxed.

“’Ruka,” Kakashi said slowly, “Why is your hair green? And your face blue?”

Iruka reached up absentmindedly to touch his face. He’d forgotten about the paint. He smiled wryly. “Konohamaru is just like a second Naruto.”

“Ah.” Kakashi pulled himself into a sitting position, wincing as the movement pulled on his injured leg.

“You’re hurt?”

Kakashi waved him off. “I’m fine, it’s just a scratch.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes. You should be more worried about yourself. Isn’t that uncomfortable?” 

Iruka patted the top of his head only to find his hair had gone completely hard. He rolled his eyes heavenwards. “Oh gods, what did I do to deserve this?”

“Maybe it was all your pranks as a child,” Kakashi offered helpfully.

Iruka groaned. “Don’t say that. Let me feel sorry for myself.” He pouted. “Anyway, I’m going to have a shower and then a nice, long bath.” He sighed dreamily, imagining the bubbles and the sheer cleanliness that awaited him.

“Could I come too?” Kakashi asked quickly, ducking so his face was mostly hidden by the pillow.

Iruka blushed and scratched his nose, causing flakes of blue paint to peel off and speckle his carpet. “Yes, if you want to.” He turned and walked out of the room before his face could get any redder. 

 

Iruka tried to concentrate as he scrubbed at his head, keeping his eyes glued on the multi-coloured flakes disappearing down the drain, but it was hard. Kakashi was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, swinging his legs casually, staring at him. And he was naked. It was extremely unnerving.

“Stop that,” he muttered.

The jōnin stopped swinging his legs and cocked his head to one side. Obviously he had super sonic hearing. “Stop what?” he asked.

“Staring at me. It’s disconcerting.” 

“Oh.” He resumed swinging his legs. “But I like to look at you.”

Iruka paused in his washing, staring at his yellow and blue streaked hand. “Why?”

The older man jumped up, favouring his right, uninjured leg, and moved to stand in front of him. Even injured there was a catlike grace to his movements. The glass plane of the shower door was all that separated them, and he was frowning. “What do you mean, why?”

The chūnin squeezed his hand shut, watching the water dripping down from his fist turn green. “Why do you like to look at me? Why did you choose me? I mean, I’m just…” he made a wild gesture at his body, unable to find a word for how he saw himself. “I’m just me,” he whispered, hanging his head and letting his hair curtain his face.

Kakashi slid open the door and stood as close as he could to Iruka without touching him. “I don’t understand.”

Iruka had been staring at his feet but this angle now gave him a clear view of Kakashi’s uncovered groin so he snapped his head up, embarrassed. He jumped a little finding himself nose to nose with the Copy-nin. He hadn’t expected him to be that close. “You’re… you’re everything, I guess. And I’m nothing.”

“Explain what you mean by that.” His eyes and voice were hard, but his touch gentle as he peeled a large section of paint from his chūnin’s hair.

“You’re amazing, famous, everyone knows who you are. You could be with anyone.” Iruka averted his eyes, not wanting to see the sharingan staring back at him. It seemed like it was accusing him of something. “I’m just a chūnin schoolteacher. I’ll never be more than that.”

Kakashi gripped his chin in his long fingers and jerked it forcefully so he had no choice but to look at him. His voice was low, laced with barely contained fury. “So you’re saying that because I am good at killing people, I am better than you?”

Iruka squirmed, his eyes widening. That wasn’t what he’d meant, was it?

“Being a good _tool_ ,” he spat out the word, venomous, “For this village is the only thing I’ve ever done. I don’t know anything else. I kill men, women and children, shinobi or otherwise, without thought. You are compassionate and kind to everyone, whether you like them or not. You have a strong will and you teach our children to be shinobi, knowing you are sending them out to their eventual deaths but loving them anyway. You help to shape lives into something better, and I take them away. Do you still think I am better than you?”

His eyes had softened slightly, and he stroked his lover’s cheek with the faintest of touches. Iruka choked back a sob. The day had been emotional and he was tired, but he was _not_ going to cry. “But why? Why did you choose me as a – as a lover? When you could have anyone.”

“Naruto.” Kakashi wrapped his arms around the smaller man and whispered in his ear. “You had love enough for the container of the beast that killed your parents. I’d hoped that could also mean that you’d have love enough for someone like me. I can be very… trying, apparently.” He trailed his finger down Iruka’s back gently, cupping his hand around one smooth butt cheek. “It helps that you’re absolutely adorable, though, and goddamn sexy in bed.”

Iruka shuddered against him and buried his face in the crook of his neck. If he was crying no one could tell, for the tears mixed with the water running rivulets down Kakashi’s chest.

“Hey.” Kakashi ran his fingers through the teacher’s hair, dislodging the last of the paint and untangling the wet strands. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Not upset,” Iruka sniffed. The fingers in his hair felt nice, and he relaxed into them. Nobody had done that since his mother had died, he realised.

Kakashi felt the tension evaporate from the figure in his arms and would have continued with his ministrations but the water was slowly going cold. “Iruka, we need to get out.”

The chūnin didn’t seem to hear him.

“’Ruka?”

No answer.

“Hey, ‘Ru.” Kakashi shook his shoulder gently.

Iruka’s head shot up, almost cracking him in the jaw. His eyes were slightly glazed over, as if he were somewhere else. “Huh?”

“The water’s going cold.”

The chūnin nodded, but didn’t move. Kakashi shut off the tap and lifted him bodily out of the shower, setting to work dabbing him dry with a white fluffy towel. He forced the notion of how good it would feel to have that slick wet skin pressed up against him firmly out of his head. It was a nice idea, but not likely to be appreciated right now.

It was weird, he thought, how much he was enjoying this. Iruka was letting him take control of his body not just because he wanted him to, but because he needed him. He’d never been needed by anyone before, not as Kakashi the person. The only one anybody had ever needed or even wanted was Kakashi the shinobi. But here was Iruka, who not only wanted all of him but was willing to give all of himself in return. He looked, really looked, for perhaps the first time, at the man in his arms. 

Iruka wasn’t actually that much smaller than himself, he realised with a jolt. He was a few inches shorter, but he was built slightly thicker, with a more solid body structure. He seemed smaller because he made himself that way, submissive to Kakashi’s dominant personality. In contrast he seemed bigger when he was in his element, in the Mission Room or in his classroom, where he was in charge. Kakashi wondered if that meant Iruka felt challenged or uneasy when in his presence, but quickly dismissed the thought. He didn’t want to even think about that.

 

Kakashi jolted awake to an uncomfortable prickling sensation in his left arm that was quickly gaining intensity and becoming painful. “Goddammit,” he swore, sitting upright and pushing two fingers against his tattoo, hard, in an attempt to stop the tingling. “I’m coming, I’m coming.”

It was nearing dawn, he realised, the sky having taken on a grey pallor in preparation for the colours of the forthcoming sunrise. Still, it was too early to be awake by anyone’s standards.

Iruka rolled over and rested his head on his knee, startling him. He’d forgotten he was sharing a bed, forgotten also that he wasn’t at home. That was going to be a problem.

“Are you hurt?” the chūnin asked, eyes still closed, only half awake.

“No,” he replied, threading his fingers through the soft dark hair spread across his lap. Oh, how he wished he could stay.

“Then go back to sleep.” A warm arm was flung across his lap to grab his waist and keep him in the bed.

“I can’t.” His voice was curt and he winced at how harsh it must sound. He tried to soften his tone but wasn’t sure if it worked. “I’m being summoned. I have to go.”

Iruka sat up, suddenly awake, and flung his arms around his lover. He wanted to say _you only just got back_ and _do you really have to?_ but what he said instead was, “Please come back safe.”

“I’ll do my best,” was the reply, and then Kakashi was hugging him back fiercely, kissing all over his face and devouring his mouth with such need it shocked him. “So long as I have you to come back to.”

Iruka nodded and Kakashi disappeared, leaving only a cloud of chakra smoke and the whispered remains of a “Thank you.”  
He curled up on his side and hugged the pillow Kakashi had been sleeping on to his chest. It still smelt faintly of him, and that was enough. It had to be.


	3. Chapter 3

Hound stood in front of the Hokage’s desk, arms stiff at his sides and legs pressed together. He was in what could be considered the safest place in the village yet all of his senses were on high alert, and he was ready to move at less than a moments notice. To be called at this time of the morning, directly after the last mission, meant that this was in all likelihood going to be a difficult assignment. And if not that it would be incredibly important, so he had to be on his guard.

“Ah, Hound. Good to see you’re not too late.” The Fifth Hokage had her elbows perched on her desk, fingers woven together at a point. From Hound’s perspective this made a convenient triangle to frame her over-endowed chest, and he found it mildly amusing.  
“I do my best, Hokage-sama.”

“I know. That is one of the reasons you were brought back into ANBU. Your unwavering loyalty to Konoha is why you’ve been chosen for this mission.” Tsunade unrolled a scroll on her desktop and beckoned him closer. He moved forward silently, on his toes, and bent down at look at it. It was a map of the forest out from the northern gates of Konoha. “We have a traitor. Falcon. You know her?”

Ah, an ANBU traitor. That was a big deal. Hound thought of what he knew of the woman codenamed Falcon. She was fast, and managed to make shuriken into lethal weapons. A fan of using poison. Sure-footed, but with low stamina. Not too much of a hassle for him, then. “I have worked with her.”

Tsunade nodded. “It will help if you know how she fights. She was seen leaving the village at just less than an hour ago, from the northern entrance. We don’t think she has recorded information anywhere, but you should check anyway. Bring her in alive if you can.”

Hound inclined his head slightly, in what counted as a nod. “Anything else, Hokage-sama?”

“The information we have is that she will be aiming to meet someone here,” Tsunade pointed at a spot on the map with one lacquered fingernail,   
“And I want you to find out who she’s meeting and what information she’s handing over, if possible, before you take them out. It would be nice if you could bring both of them back with you for Ibiki to play with, but that would just be a bonus. She may be meeting more than one person. Can you handle this by yourself?”

She looked sternly at the emotionless shinobi in front of her, and wasn’t surprised when he tilted his head again. He’d never, to her knowledge, declined a mission before, and she doubted he’d start now. 

“Then go, shinobi, serve your village.”

He was out the window and gone before she’d even realised he’d taken the map with him. She sighed, and stared down at her hands without seeing them. She’d never wanted to be the Hokage, and it was times like these that she remembered why. The fact that this powerful man – and any other she should desire to see – would come at her call in the middle of the night spoke merely of the fact that his life, and that of the rest of her shinobi, was her responsibility. The realisation weighed heavy on her shoulders.

_Sakumo would be proud of his brat,_ she thought, and suppressed a shiver. _But I wouldn’t want any child of mine to be like him._

 

Hound was tired, dirty and frustrated, though it didn’t show in his posture. He’d followed the traitor and had to wait, crouched uncomfortably in a tree with his senses freaking out over every little noise, for a little over two hours for her contact to show up. When he finally did show there were three big guys backing him up, all of whom seemed at jōnin level.

He’d used Zabuza’s creeping mist technique to get close enough to run his blade through two of them – they obviously weren’t as smart as he’d first thought – and caught the third after a short chase and scuffle with a chidori through the chest.

It had been most disappointing when he’d caught up to the main contact, whom he’d intended to take back for interrogation, because the man took one glance at him and downed a small vial of poison. _Coward,_ he thought, and drew his lips back in a silent snarl.

The girl, Falcon, had led him a merry chase through the treetops and managed to nick his leg with a shuriken before he knocked her out, and he was pissed at himself for getting hit like that as well as slightly dizzy from whatever poison the star had been tipped with.

He’d arrived back in Konoha intending to dump her on Ibiki then go home and sleep, but the torture expert had told him to stay, and not even he was willing to cross Ibiki in a bad mood. 

So now it was nearing midnight and Falcon was still refusing to talk, and Hound was getting extremely angry. He’d done his part. Any information Ibiki extracted he could deal with in the morning. He began to pace in tight circles, not able to contain his annoyance at being contained for no apparent reason. He didn’t feel that he would be of any help here. 

Hound glared at the girl, and even if she couldn’t tell his expression through the slits in his mask she could feel the waves of killing intent rolling in his chakra. Her eyes widened and she struggled against the chakra stopping rope bound around her wrists. “I,” she stopped to cough, her throat dry, “I’ll talk!”

“You better,” Hound hissed, and Falcon took the hint and talked as fast as she could. She was young, newly ANBU, and could not have known from experience that was Hound in the field. He hadn’t been back in the Special Forces for very long, but she had heard rumours about him and how he was a natural killing machine. She’d laughed them off, but looking at him now made her blood run cold and her mind freeze up in fear. He radiated pure anger and desire to kill, and she was at the centre of it. She knew that if he decided he wanted her dead no one would be able to stop him, and he wouldn’t do it quickly or painlessly.

She fell silent eventually, and Hound decided that was his cue to leave. Ibiki smiled wryly at him. “You should have gotten mad earlier. I knew there was a reason Tsunade-sama wanted you here.”

Hound turned back to look at him, face expressionless under the mask. “If all the ANBU break that easily you need to train them harder,” he said coolly.

Ibiki returned his blank expression. “Not everyone’s as tough as you, Hound. There are not many shinobi left who were in the war. I wouldn’t be surprised they’re getting soft.”

Hound gave a curt nod and left, not caring much for further discussion. He was still angry and the rage boiled in his veins, a violent and volatile energy. He knew from experience that the easiest way to get rid of it was sex, and Ibiki wasn’t the right person for that. His lips twisted up into a nasty smile. _Time to visit Kakashi’s precious chūnin._

 

The chūnin looked comfortable, warm, and ever so normal. He personified _homely,_ and it made Hound feel sick. This man didn’t know what he had, wouldn’t ever appreciate the fact that he got to sleep in his own bed every night and wake up safely in the confines of Konoha. He was currently sitting on the end of his bed cross-legged, wearing a pair of loose cotton pants and an old t-shirt. He was grading papers, tapping his pen against his lip and frowning, deep in thought. His hair hung loose around his shoulders and Hound thought it would be delightful to just pull it, hard, and see what reaction he’d get. He slipped in through the window, not bothering to unmask his chakra.

Iruka turned toward him immediately anyway, sensing a displacement in the air, and his eyes widened as he gasped. “ANBU-san!”

Hound liked that look on his face, the wariness and surprise. He was so damn cute - and fuckable. He slipped off his gloves and watched, amused, as they landed on the carpet with soft _thuds_. The chūnin was studying him, he could tell, trying to figure out what he was doing in his bedroom, eyes casting all over his body. It made him hard.

“Kakashi?” The chūnin was tentative; unsure. Hound smiled humourlessly. It didn’t matter who Iruka thought he was, he’d get what he wanted anyway. The innocent schoolteacher would belong to _him_ by the end of the night.

In moments he was on top of the other man, sliding cotton pants down smooth tanned legs, pushing the chūnin’s shirt up and off. Iruka’s eyes were wide, the whites showing around the brown, and he was now more fearful than wary. Hound wasn’t bothering to mask his chakra anymore and he knew the man beneath him could feel the full extent of it. He had every reason to be afraid.

He wrapped a hand in the chūnin’s soft hair and yanked, jerking his head back so he could look into his startled eyes. There were tears gathering in the corners of them. _What a pathetic show. This guy’s supposed to be chunnin, he should be able to deal with a little pain._ “K-kashi, please…”

Begging? Hound smirked, and used his free hand to shove his own pants down around his thighs. His cock twitched in anticipation. “Suck it.”

The expression on his little chūnin face was priceless. “Wh-what?”

Hound bent down so his face was right beside Iruka’s. “I said, ‘suck it.’” He tightened his grip oh the chūnin’s hair and used it to manoeuvre his face until it was pressed against the head of his cock. “You don’t want to know what will happen if you don’t.”

He jerked his hips instinctively as warm lips touched his arousal, accidentally thrusting into the chūnin’s mouth. Iruka gagged, but his head was held firmly in place by the hand in his hair. _“Suck.”_

He closed his eyes and blocked out the shudders and moans the man – _Kakashi?_ – was making as best he could, pretending the thing in his mouth was an ice block and he was sitting on a beach somewhere with Naruto. It didn’t work. The thing in his mouth was hot and throbbing and wet, nothing at all like an ice block.

He jerked away as he felt wet fingers probe at his entrance. He couldn’t stop himself from crying out. “No, don’t -”

The fingers were removed, and he was pushed face first into the pillows. Iruka felt he’d made a grievous mistake in talking but didn’t understand why until he felt Hound thrust into him without warning. 

Hound moaned as he felt the tight wet heat envelop him, digging his nails into the chūnin’s delightfully soft ass; Iruka screamed. He’d never felt such pain before, not even when Mizuki had hit him with the shuriken and almost paralysed him. That was painful, but this was also invasive and Iruka felt as if he was being stripped bare, as if his pure life force was being ripped out of him. 

“No -” His screams reduced to incoherent moans as Hound continued to thrust into him. His body was limp and he felt weaker than he ever had before. He was being taken by force in his own bedroom by one of his village’s elite who had sworn to protect him. And if he didn’t know better he would have thought it was his own lover raping him.

“You’re so tight, Chūnin.” If he was being pounded harder, Iruka didn’t notice. His mind was swirling in a hazy mix of colours, brought about by the physical pain and the despair of knowing that that was all he was, a helpless chūnin in the hands of this ANBU monster. 

Hound grunted as he came, raking his nails down Iruka’s back, drawing blood. Iruka didn’t make a sound, not even when Hound pulled himself free and wiped his softening cock clean on his back. 

 

Kakashi was surprised to find himself in Iruka’s bathroom, ceramic dog mask in hand. He felt incredibly relaxed for just having finished a mission, and gauged that the feeling meant Hound had had mission sex. He frowned. Maybe he should tell Iruka about Hound and his dirty habits, or he might get angry about him fucking other people. It couldn’t really be considered cheating if he never remembered it afterwards, but Iruka might see it that way.

It didn’t explain what he was doing at in his lover’s apartment, though. And wasn’t the mission he’d been called on a solo one? Kakashi brushed off all his questions, because he wasn’t that bothered what the answers would be. He was more concerned with whether he should take a shower or look for Iruka. He finally decided on doing neither, as he had no clean clothes for after his shower and he didn’t quite feel comfortable enough to walk around Iruka’s house naked, and he had no desire for Iruka to see him dressed in ANBU garb complete with patches of dried blood. Instead he figured he’d go home and take a shower, then have a nap. He could tell Iruka about Hound later.

That sorted, he smiled to himself and jutsu’ed into his own bathroom, thus oblivious to the chūnin who was curled up on his bed with his arms around his knees protectively, shaking and quietly keening his name.

 

Iruka opened his eyes slowly, and sat up. He squeezed them shut again almost immediately, swallowing the urge to vomit. His muscles felt stiff and strained and he ached down to his core. The sheets, his body and the papers he had been grading were all splattered with a putrid mix of blood, semen and tears. His head ached and he wanted nothing more than to curl in a ball, fall into a deep sleep and never wake up. But he was stronger than that. 

The chūnin took a deep breath and reached deep down inside himself for the courage to keep going, because that was what was expected of him. Half-dazed, he collected his students papers up, placed them in a tidy stack in the rubbish bin beside his desk, lit a match, and set them on fire. He stood there watching the ghost of himself in the flames until the last one flickered out and all that was left of his students’ hard work was a small pile of ash. He couldn’t bring himself to feel sorry for them.

Scooping up the soiled sheets and the clothes he had been wearing he headed towards the washing machine and then stopped, turned around and stuffed them all into a garbage sack. He didn’t need to keep anything that might remind him of this.

Every step hurt, sending a jarring pain through his body, but he made it to the shower through sheer determination. He leant back against the wall, the cool tile a blessed contrast to the heat pumping through his system. Running his fingers through his hair he seriously considered cutting it. He’d always liked having it long, but the way that ANBU had jerked him around by it… he shuddered as he remembered the way it felt to have a cock shoved down his throat. He felt dirty, even as he scrubbed himself until his skin was red and raw. He felt like a whore.

But there was one thing that niggled at the back of his mind. That ANBU, his silver hair and pale skin – he had certainly looked like Kakashi, even if he hadn’t acted like him. And under the violence of his chakra it had felt like his, too. Was this what Kakashi had meant when he said that he didn’t want Iruka to know him as a jōnin, as a shinobi? 

Iruka sighed and slumped back against the tiles. He couldn’t deal with this, not right now, so he put Kakashi to the back of his mind, along with the masked ANBU. With that packed away he stared through the steady stream of water and simply thought, _What did I do to deserve this?  
_


	4. Chapter 4

Kakashi stood still, hand poised inches from the door, almost afraid to knock. He couldn’t put his finger on why, but something inside him was adamant that Iruka would not be pleased to see him right now. After leaving Iruka’s yesterday – _why had he been in that bathroom?_ – he’d had a shower and fallen straight into bed and to sleep. Really, Tsunade should know better than to send him on back-to-back missions like that. He was getting old. He had only woken up about an hour ago, and now it was past three in the afternoon. 

Kakashi sighed and leaned his head against the cool wood of the door. The truth was that he was nervous. He’d been running to the chūnin any time he had spare lately, needing to see him, and he was afraid that Iruka might be getting sick of him. He glanced at the box of chocolates in his hand, and could have sworn that he could feel them melting from the nervous heat he was radiating. _Get a grip, Hatake,_ he thought angrily at himself, _You’re supposed to be an unflappable pervert. You should be able to give a damn chūnin a box of chocolates._ He sighed again. This dating thing was a lot harder than he’d originally thought, and he hadn’t had high expectations to begin with.

Scrounging up all his courage he rapped on the door. And waited. Five minutes passed, and Iruka didn’t emerge. _Dammit, I should have used the window._ He was edging slowly away, unsure what he was going to do with the chocolate and mildly upset by his own unease (should he put it on the doorstep? Should he post it through the window? Should he take it home? He didn’t really like sweet things, what would he do with chocolate?) when the door slowly opened.

Iruka stood in the doorway clad in a large baggy jumper and a pair of loose uniform pants left free at the bottom. His hair was loose around his face and his eyes were wide. Kakashi had never seen anything so beautiful in his life. He smiled so that his eye crinkled closed and thrust the box of chocolates out in front of him. “I bought you this!” he said happily.

Iruka just stared at him, and lost a little of the colour in his face. _Does he think that… that_ chocolate _could make up for what he did?_ “W- why did you buy me chocolate?” he choked out.

Kakashi opened his eye and looked momentarily confused. “Because I thought you would like chocolate? Most people like chocolate, right? Do you not like chocolate?” He panicked, hid the box behind his back and offered up a half-sane laugh. “Ah, hahaha. We can just pretend I didn’t buy it if you don’t like it.” He scratched the back of his head nervously, closing his eye again. 

Iruka gaped at him.

The jōnin shuffled from foot to foot and gazed down sadly at the now slightly battered box of chocolates in his hands. “Ah, I guess it was a bad idea. I’ll go now.”

“N-no! Don’t leave!” Iruka grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into his apartment, not completely sure why he was doing it. He didn’t want to even see Kakashi right now, did he? 

The jōnin stumbled into the apartment, quickly righting himself. The two ninja stared at each other for a while, completely still. Kakashi spoke first, giving a nervous grin and scratching the back of his head again, swinging the box of chocolates loosely with his other hand. “Ah… I didn’t actually think this far. I’m not sure what to do next.”

“What are you talking about?” Iruka was still feeling slack jawed, but he had gathered at least some of his wits.

“Ano, when you date someone you’re supposed to bring them gifts right? Like chocolates and flowers? I thought you’d hit me if I gave you flowers.” He stared dejectedly at the chocolates. “But it turns out you don’t like chocolate either.”

Iruka felt mad laughter bubbling up inside him, and couldn’t quite stop it from escaping. “Oh, Kakashi, I do like chocolate.” He grabbed the box out of the nonplussed jōnin’s hands before he could do more damage to it, and wiped away the tears that had suddenly appeared in his eyes. “It’s so hard to stay mad at you when you’re being so _cute._ ”

“I am not cute. I am an Elite Jōnin. I kill people,” Kakashi said matter-of-factly. “And why would you be mad at me?”

He looked so confused at the last sentence that Iruka felt a dam inside himself break. _There is no way that this man is the same as the one last night._ His decision was further cemented when Kakashi added, “I guess I’m not too good at this dating thing, right? I’d be mad at me too,” with a lost little boy look on his face.

Iruka launched himself into the jōnin’s strong arms and suddenly he was half sobbing and half laughing and he’d never felt so wretched or so good in his life. The Copy-nin wrapped his arms around the chūnin instinctively, thoroughly confused but glad he wasn’t being kicked out. _I guess I’ll just wait this out, whatever it is._ It occurred to him that perhaps he should ask what was wrong, because there was something definitely off about the way the chūnin was reacting, but he buried the thought. Knowing would probably only over complicate things. For now it was good just to be like this, to feel wanted, perhaps even loved.

 

Iruka was feeling strangely euphoric, but confusion constantly roiled underneath. Kakashi was being incredibly sweet to him and it contrasted so sharply with what had happened last night – which the jōnin seemed to have no clue whatsoever about – that he felt like maybe he had dreamed it all. A sudden sharp pain up his spine told him that if it was a dream _(perhaps a genjutsu?)_ , it had been amazingly realistic, and he was glad Kakashi had his back turned and didn’t see him wince. 

“So, are you gonna eat any?” The man had his large hands flopped loosely between his knees and his head cocked to one side, studying Iruka and referring to the chocolates he had brought. His eyes were sparkling with playfulness and the chūnin found himself waiting for him to flop out his tongue, he reminded him so much of a puppy. They’d just sat through a comfortable dinner – take-out, of course – and he had the distinct feeling that if he refused Kakashi’s treats now he would be subjected to an extra-strong dose of Puppy Dog Eyes. He smiled at the thought.

“How could I refuse?” He took the box proffered to him with a smile, and popped a chocolate in his mouth. His eyes widened as he bit down on the sweet, releasing the most delectable gooey taste onto his tongue. “Wow,” he breathed. 

It had been a long time since Iruka had eaten chocolate. When Naruto was around most of his paychecks went on ramen – teaching didn’t pay so well, and mission room shifts even less – and the rest of them had gone on rent and power, plus whatever he could spare to feed himself and keep his wardrobe at least partially respectful. He’d put aside thoughts of self-centred indulgences like snacks and sweets for more practical things and when Naruto had gone, leaving him with a surprising amount more money left in his wallet than he’d realised, he’d put that money to use on other more important things – like special treats for the kids in the orphanage and fixing up his classroom.

If Iruka was enjoying the chocolate it was nothing compared to the way Kakashi was enjoying the expression on his face. He looked like he’d died and gone to heaven. “This is – so good,” he mumbled around the sweetness in his mouth. Kakashi, transfixed, thrust the box at him in a silent plea for him to take another, and another, and another, as many as he could handle.

“Don’t you want one?” The chūnin asked guiltily as he gazed down into the box and realised it was over half empty. “I’ve been so rude, I wasn’t even thinking. It’s just been a long time...”

Kakashi was stuck halfway between melting into a puddle under the heat of the gaze of those soulful dark eyes and laughing at the absurdity of the teacher apologizing for making faces like _that._ Gods, the way the man ate chocolate was more of a turn on than a new Icha Icha. He scratched the back of his head nervously instead. “Maa, I don’t really like sweet things all that much, Sen-Iruka.” _Although that might have to change soon,_ he mused. The unsuspecting teacher had a dark smudge of chocolate on the tip of his nose – _how did he manage that?_ – and although it was incredibly cute where it was, it was also incredibly tempting.

Iruka studied the box carefully for the first time. In his younger days he’d been quite the connoisseur of sweets, and he knew that no one in Konoha could make praline this fine. “But chocolate like this could only come from Wind Country?” it wasn’t quite a statement, but not quite a question either.

Kakashi just shrugged. “Gai just got back from Suna, he owed me from the last of our ‘Youthful Challenges’.”

“But, but these must be incredibly expensive.” Iruka held up a chocolate, rolling it around in his palm, nonplussed. “And you just said you don’t even like them.” 

“I asked Gai to get them so I could give them to you.” Kakashi was feeling slightly more nervous now. Was he about to get in trouble just for getting his chūnin only the best? “Look, Iruka, money is not important to me. I don’t know how much you earn as a teacher, but I’ve been an elite jōnin since I was thirteen, and in ANBU for perhaps half the time that’s passed since then. I never bothered to see how much I get for it, but it’s probably quite a lot, and I never cared much for personal effects or comfort items.” He grinned, forcing it, so his eye arched upward. “I never had ‘precious people’ to spend it on either, but now I have you, right?” 

Iruka sat stock still while his mind ticked over the information he’d just been given. He decided to skip over the fact that the man sitting in front of him had managed to get the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha to buy him inordinately expensive chocolates from Suna (he knew they were expensive because the time he’d ordered them he’d had to starve for a couple of weeks, though it had totally been worth it) when he himself didn’t even like the damn things, but the thought of how incredibly sweet it was made his face tint red slightly anyway. Kakashi breathed a silent sigh of relief. That didn’t look like a negative blush. In fact, it was rather adorable. He nodded to himself, thinking it complemented the chocolate on that cute little nose nicely. 

The cute little nose wrinkled as Iruka thought. He remembered teasing the jōnin about his choice of underwear, and now that he thought about it every time he’d seen him in his jocks it had been the same: plain solid black cotton with a thick waistband, covering everything to a decent standard. Not the type of underwear you’d consider a pervert to have, really. In addition, every time he saw Kakashi the man was wearing his uniform, except of course when he was wearing his birthday suit but that really didn’t count. 

“Kakashi, do you own any type of civilian clothing at all?”

Kakashi frowned. “Why would I need it?”

Iruka was almost lost for words at this revelation. Almost, but not quite. “I am going to see your apartment tomorrow,” he said, making full use of his teacher’s voice. 

“Why?” Kakashi really didn’t want the chūnin in his apartment, because then he would see how little of a person he was, and how much of a shinobi, and perhaps want to cut off from him because he had no personality and it would show, glaringly, through his simple lack of stuff. There was stuff everywhere in Iruka’s flat, trinkets from students and half-graded papers and photos of friends. “Yours is so much nicer.”

“I am going to see your apartment, and then we are going to go shopping.” The chūnin’s voice brooked no argument, but his eyes were soft and he was smiling mischievously. “But first, you are going to at least try one of these.”

He leaned forward with the speed only a shinobi possesses until he was almost sitting on the jōnin’s lap, but his hand was stopped inches from it’s target by a vice like grip around his wrist. Chocolate dribbled slowly down his fingers, melting from the warmth of his hand. Kakashi looked him in the face so he could gloat properly, and immediately cursed himself for being so stupid. Eyes that seemed to actually be made of liquid chocolate stared back at him, somehow bigger, browner and sadder than he’d ever seen them before. His chūnin’s lower lip was stuck out stubbornly and quivering slightly, his nose scrunched up creating adorable ripples through his scar and ever so faintly trembling. 

Kakashi bit his lip. _Gods, he’s better at that look than all of my nin-ken put together._ He released his grip on the chūnin slowly, admitting defeat, and parted his lips, just a little. Watching as the expression on Iruka’s face instantly changed to one of pure, unadulterated glee – _that manipulative bastard_ – he allowed the chocolate to be slipped into his mouth, but snapped his jaw shut gently before the fingers could be removed. Iruka watched his face curiously, but unafraid.

Ever so slowly Kakashi ran his tongue over the fingers in his mouth, his eyes never leaving Iruka’s. _He’s right,_ he mused, surprised, _this chocolate is pretty good. But it’s not the nicest thing I’m tasting right now._ He managed to swallow the chocolate whole, then sucked hard, running his tongue daintily along the underside of Iruka’s fingers.

He was rewarded with a breathy little moan and a “K-Kashi,” – _who was the last one who had given him a nickname? It couldn’t have been his father, could it?_ – as Iruka closed his eyes and clutched at his shirt with his free hand, shivering slightly in his lap. 

Kakashi smiled a challenge. He wanted to see more writhing chūnin, thank you very much. He twirled his tongue in set patterns and grated his teeth lightly down to the first knuckle, coating the fingers with saliva and thoroughly enjoying himself. Perhaps his chūnin would forget that silly idea of going to his apartment and just stay in bed all day tomorrow. Yes, that sounded much more appealing. He gave a final flick with his tongue then released the pressure, tilting his head back so Iruka’s fingers slid down his chin, leaving trails of spit.

“Oh.” Iruka had his eyes open again and was looking at him in a way that could only be described as mildly electrocuted. “You shouldn’t – no-one should – I can’t -” He shook his head in an attempt to get his thoughts in order. “There is no way that should feel as good as it did.”

Kakashi grinned possessively. _Mine._ He almost fell off the couch when Iruka held his hand in front of his face and tentatively licked the tip of the pointer finger that had, until recently, been situated in his mouth. Brown eyes focused on him, dragging him down into their depths, and full lips twitched up at the edges. Iruka reached behind him and pulled out a chocolate. “Do you want another?” he purred.

Kakashi shivered but couldn’t say anything because his tongue was twisted and stuck to the roof of his mouth. Iruka grinned, and placed the chocolate in his own mouth. Leaning forward he captured the surprised jōnin’s lips with his own, forcing them open and thrusting his tongue inside the warm cavern opening for him. Kakashi was surprised to taste chocolate, although he knew he shouldn’t be, and strove to get rid of it so all that was left would be the delightfully sweet and tangy flavour of his chūnin. 

Feeling the more than eager response to his kiss Iruka pressed closer and wound his arms around Kakashi’s neck, twining his fingers into the short soft hairs on the back of his head. Kakashi reached out for him and pulled him to his chest, leaving no space between them. The kiss slowly became more demanding, forceful, and the jōnin’s fingers were wandering up and down his back, following the line of Mizuki’s scar. Iruka clutched at his shirt, looking to find purchase anywhere, to get as close as possible. He wanted to climb inside the other man’s skin, to be one, anything to satiate the desire burning inside him. His cock throbbed, hard enough to border on painful, aching for release. He twisted in his partner’s lap and was brought back to reality by a searing pain in his lower back.

_Shit._ He pulled back abruptly, disentangling himself from the man below him. Kakashi stared at him, confusion ripe in his hazy eyes. “’M sorry,” he muttered, biting into his fist to distract himself from the temptation of just grinding into the jōnin anyway and paying for the consequences later. “I can’t do this.”

The pain in Kakashi’s eyes made him regret his words immediately, but he could not take them back. “So you don’t want to be with me, is that it? You want me to leave?”

“No! Please don’t leave.” Iruka panicked. He hadn’t realised that his words could have been taken in that way. There was no way he wanted the jōnin to leave him, not now that he realised everything he wanted was sitting right in front of him, wrapped in a uniform and topped with a silver tuft of the softest hair he’d ever run his fingers through. “I just meant no sex. Not tonight. Please?”

Kakashi nodded slowly, relieved he wasn’t being kicked out by his favourite chūnin but just as confused by this explanation. “Can I ask why not? I’m pretty sure you were just throwing yourself at me.”

Iruka looked down at his hands and clasped them together to stop them from shaking. He couldn’t say that he didn’t want Kakashi to see the bruises on his body, because then he’d ask who did it. And he wasn’t entirely sure who did. “Ano…”

He was visibly shaking, and it looked as if he was about to cry. Kakashi sighed. “Come here.” He motioned with one finger. Iruka looked up, uncertainty in his eyes. Kakashi twisted his lips into what he hoped was a convincing smile. It was hard to fake expressions with his whole face. “I’m not going to molest you, ‘Ruka, relax. Just come have a hug, okay?”

Iruka slowly crawled over to him and wrapped his arms around his waist loosely. He looked like a child, wearing his oversized sweater and cuddling into his chest. Kakashi placed one hand on his back and stroked the other through his hair absentmindedly. “You don’t have to make excuses not to have sex with me, you know. I’d just rather you didn’t turn me on before telling me that.”

“Sorry.” Iruka buried his head further into Kakashi’s chest. “Didn’t mean to.”

“I don’t mind.” He kept stroking the soft brown hair until he felt Iruka’s breathing even out and slow, indicating that he had fallen asleep. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, sitting cross-legged on the couch with the chūnin’s weight draped over him, but he’d had worse on missions, and he enjoyed watching the younger man sleep. Slowly he let his own eyes drift shut, a small smile gracing his lips.

 

He awoke to find Iruka leaning over him, watching him closely. It frightened him just a little that he’d let his defences down enough to find himself in this position, so he eyeballed the younger man warily. “What?”

"Ah,” Iruka scratched at the scar across his nose, “You were snuffling in your sleep. It was kinda cute.” Kakashi looked doubtful, and slightly intimidating. “I’m sorry for falling asleep on you. You must feel pretty uncomfortable.”

Kakashi stretched, and heard more than felt his shoulder pop back into place. His left leg had gone completely numb, probably from where Iruka had been lying on it. “Maa, your couch is more comfortable than a branch.”

Iruka handed him a cup with a small smile on his face. “I’m glad it’s not too bad. I made you some tea, it’s got stuff in it that should help relax your muscles and make you feel a little better.”

Kakashi sniffed the cup cautiously, then took a sip. Finding it not too hot he gulped down the rest and set the cup on the table. “You know your way around healing herbs then, Sensei?”

Iruka blushed lightly. “I know a little bit, yes. It helps with the children, when we go on outings I can point out different plants to them that might help one day, if they ever retain any of the information I give them. I’m not really an expert though.” He paused, staring down at his feet. When he spoke again his voice was quieter, lacking his usual assurance. “Could you stop with the ‘Sensei’ please?”

Kakashi bit back a comment that he could, but it didn’t mean he would, sensing that this was somewhat important to Iruka and not wanting to be kicked out this early. “Hn. So ‘Sensei’ is out, but you don’t mind if I call you ‘Ruka’, right?”

The smile on Iruka’s face made up for the ache in his back where he’d been leaning against the couch support all night. “Yes, anything but ‘Sensei’. It’s a title, not a name. Even when you say it,” he struggled to find a word that meant _sensually_ without being too obvious, “The way you say it, it’s still just a title. It’s not really… intimate enough.” He flushed red as he said that last part. He hadn’t meant to use _that_ word.

Kakashi grinned predatorily. The poor, helpless chūnin had no idea what he’d just done to himself with those innocuous little words. “So I can call you Sugar-Tits?” He leaned back against the couch, satisfied with the horrified expression passing across Iruka’s face. “Big Daddy? Honey Cakes? Sweetie-Pie?” The horrified expression was now settled, Iruka’s mouth wordlessly opening and shutting like a fish on dry land. “Stud Muffin? Sweet Cheeks? Cuddle Bunny?” He waited as long as he thought his shocked partner could handle before delivering his last blow. “Or maybe ‘Cutie Patootie’ is intimate enough for you.”

Iruka let out a strangled cry halfway between exasperation and embarrassment. He should have known, really. Anything was fair game in a conversation with perverted jōnin. “No! None of that.” With a shiver he remembered the ANBU calling him ‘chūnin’ as if his rank was all that he amounted to. Kakashi’s options were at least slightly better than that. He let a small smirk play across his lips. “Unless you want me to call you ‘Pookie Bear’ in front of Gai.”

If Kakashi had still been drinking the tea he would have sprayed it all over the table. “Not even you’re that cruel.”

“Wanna bet, Sweetums?” The smirk warped into a dangerous looking smile as Iruka launched into a disturbingly accurate Maito Gai impersonation.   
“My Hip and Amazing Rival! To have stumbled across True Love – pause for manly tears – is such a Beautiful Charming Feat! You have Bested me and I must Inform all of Konoha of your Gracious Chivalry, Sweet Pookie Bear!” 

He topped it off with a teeth-flashing smile and an exaggerated thumbs up. Kakashi cringed. “Please never do that again. Ever. Or I may have to melt my eyes out.”

“So you’re not going to call me ridiculous pet names?”

“I swear on Icha Icha and all that is holy.”

“Good boy.” Iruka patted him on the arm consolingly. 

“But I can still call you ‘Ruka?”

Iruka nodded and flashed him a brilliant smile. “Are you ready to go?” 

“Ready to go where?”

“To your apartment, remember? You promised.” Iruka pouted. Kakashi was widely known to use his genius brain to talk his way out of situations he didn’t want to be in. He wasn’t going to let him win this time.

“Oh, that.” Kakashi scratched at the back of his head, stalling. Now that he was actually looking he could see that Iruka had already dressed before waking him, and was wearing a snug pair of jeans and a plain black t-shirt that was just tight enough to show off his well-muscled chest if you looked in the right light. He had to admit, it was pretty hot. He shrugged. If the teacher was going to dress like that he could go anywhere he liked. “Yeah, let’s go.”

 

Kakashi’s apartment was not really an apartment. Looking around, Iruka would describe it more as a room. On his right was a tiny area which he optimistically called a kitchen. A single bench running along the wall housed a microwave, two elements, a sink, and not a lot else. He suspected if he looked in the single cupboard and fridge/freezer that all he would find was instant TV dinners and packet ramen.

On his left was a carpeted area housing an ancient looking couch and a two tier bookcase, nothing else. The top tier housed the entire Icha Icha collection – Iruka rolled his eyes at that – and the bottom a mismatched series of taijutsu, ninjutsu and genjutsu techniques and tips. Two closed doors were on the wall facing him. Kakashi caught him looking. “That’s a bathroom,” he pointed to the one on the left, “And that’s a closet,” to the one on the right.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” Iruka said slowly, “Where do you sleep?” He couldn’t quite believe that anyone lived here. Apart from the fact that the place was tiny, it was also spotless. It looked like a hotel room.

“The couch folds out,” Kakashi said blandly. He was pacing across the room (only taking four or five steps before he had to turn around again) obviously uncomfortable with having a visitor in his home.

“So you don’t even have a proper bed?”

“Hn.” His nerves were upsetting his bladder, so he jabbed a thumb at the door on the left, “I’mma go…” and hopped it, glad to be out from under the chūnin’s close scrutiny for a while.

Iruka wandered over to the wardrobe and pulled open the door. He sighed as he was greeted by the same thing he had expected to see: seven or eight matching uniforms hanging neatly. He moved in closer to see if there were any personal effects at all, but was stopped as he stubbed his toe on something large. Stooping down, he saw that the thing that caused him pain was an ornately carved wooden chest. Curious, he flicked open the clasps and lifted the heavy lid, peeking inside. Almost immediately he slammed it back down again and backed away to slump down on the couch, arms wrapped protectively around his knees. He should have expected it, should have been ready, but he’d put it to the back of his mind. Kakashi was being so nice to him, it just didn’t make sense. Of all the things he’d guessed he might find in Kakashi’s apartment that grinning dog mask had not been one of them.

The jōnin had reappeared again and was staring at him intently, crossing the room with large strides. “You okay, ‘Ruka?”

He nodded weakly, then shook his head. There was no way he could just forget this and go shopping with this man – did he even know him at all? “I’m… I don’t feel so well. I might just go back to bed.”

“Do you want me to stay with you?”

_No._ His mind screamed. _No, I want you to stay as far away from me as possible._ Iruka managed a shaky smile. “I should be alright. Just need to rest a bit.”

“If you’re sure.”

Iruka nodded. “I’ll see you sometime soon.” _Hopefully not too soon._ He performed a shaking transportation jutsu and, finding himself in his bedroom, sunk down relieved onto his bed. _What an awful mess._ He sighed, and buried his face in his pillow. He’d deal with it tomorrow. Or the next day. Just not right now.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Hanakotoba, the Japanese flower language, sunflowers represent love, adoration and respect.

Kakashi leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes in frustration. _Well. That hadn’t gone down very well._ While he had been encouraging the idea, not wanting to give himself too much hope, he hadn’t truthfully believed that Iruka would react so badly to finding out that he was merely a shell of a person. Knowing that Iruka was the most understanding and caring person in the entire village made the fact that he’d been rejected even worse.

He sunk down to the floor and rested his chin on his knees. He could see his home through Iruka’s eyes quite easily. It wasn’t actually a home, just a place to exist in between missions. For a cold hearted bastard who lived only to go on those missions. Nothing like the teacher’s cosy apartment. He missed it already. If he couldn’t go back… he had no idea how to even start making this place into a home he could enjoy coming back to. Especially because it didn’t have Iruka in it.

He thought back over the previous night. Iruka had only insisted on seeing his place after he’d told him that he didn’t own civvies. Maybe that was part of the problem? Actually, the chūnin had seemed dead set on taking him shopping, probably so that he could acquire clothing that wasn’t necessary for field work. He couldn’t really see why. Most of the time he was on missions, and the time he had off was usually spent lying in bed and not being able to move from chakra depletion. There didn’t seem to be a logical reason, but maybe civilian clothing would make him seem more human. If he went and bought something, maybe Iruka would like him more.

 

The shop he’d entered was much like the last one; racks of clothes everywhere, loud, horrible music, and bright signs proclaiming ‘great bargains’ or ‘new stock’. Worst of all, every time he glanced around he seemed to catch sight of himself in a mirror. They were everywhere. He was completely out of his depth, and his senses were screaming at him to run. This loud, bustling place would be a perfect place for enemy nin to attack and most possibly get away with it. People were staring at him and whispering as if he wasn’t supposed to be there and it was making him decidedly uncomfortable.

He had no idea what he was doing. And even if he did find clothes, he realised, he had no idea what to get. The only thing he could think of that he’d like to wear was loose dark pants and a dark long sleeved top (blood doesn’t come so easily off white, he’d found, so why they picked it for ANBU gear he had no idea) – but there was no point putting himself through this hell just to buy what would amount to basically another uniform. What would Iruka like?

He wished he had someone to help, but it was embarrassing to admit that he had no idea what to buy himself to wear. Gai, he knew, wouldn’t tease him about it, but he would cry manly tears and he didn’t think his chūnin was particularly attracted to spandex. Genma, on the other hand, had good taste (for the most part) but would likely spread his predicament around until the entire fleet of shinobi knew he was fashion challenged – in only a few hours. Kurenai he would trust, but he wasn’t quite comfortable around her. She didn’t really seem to like him all that much, and he wasn’t particularly keen to place himself in her debt.

“Kaka-sensei!” He turned to the voice distractedly, only now realising that he’d been standing in one spot for the last ten or so minutes, creating more interested chatter from the shoppers around him. He spotted Sakura threading her way through the crowd towards him almost immediately, her face flushed almost as pink as her hair. He lifted a hand in greeting, pretending it was absolutely normal for him to be standing in the middle of a crowded clothing shop.

“Yo.”

“What are you doing here?” she asked curiously. He noticed Inoichi’s daughter tagging along behind her. They’d been good friends/enemies since before he’d taken on his genin team, he remembered. 

“Ano… looking for clothes?” he said helplessly, shrugging his shoulders. It was embarrassing to be caught at such a loss by one of his former students, but she may just be the solution to his problem.

Sakura and Ino shared an excited glance, grabbed an arm each, and dragged him out of the shop. He went willingly, because he hadn’t been completely sure how to get out of that mess himself. 

“Were you looking for a present for your girlfriend?” Ino trilled, and Kakashi laced his fingers together in an attempt to keep them from jumping up and covering his ears.

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he said shortly. 

“Then what were you doing in there?” Sakura asked. Both girls were looking at him with puzzled expressions.

“I told you. I was looking for clothes.”

“For who?”

“Myself.”

The girls exchanged a look that he couldn’t decipher, then turned back to him. “Kaka-sensei,” Sakura said slowly, “Why would you be looking for clothes in a shop that specializes in women’s lingerie?”

“You’re not a cross-dresser, are you?” Ino added.

Kakashi glanced from the girls, to the shop, then back to the girls again. “Is that why they were all looking at me weird? I thought it was just the mask. Hn.”

“You didn’t know that was a woman’s clothing shop,” Sakura said, disbelief obvious in her voice.

“I think we’ve already established that,” Kakashi replied dryly.

“Does that mean you’ve never been shopping for clothes before?” 

Kakashi bobbed his head slightly, wishing she’d get it over with.

“Then why are you starting now?”

Now that one was a bit harder to answer. “Iruka-sensei said I needed to get some.”

“And you’re just… doing it because he told you to?”

Another brief nod. The two girls exchanged a look again, and nodded decisively. “Kaka-sensei? We’re going to help you shop.”

Kakashi closed his eyes nervously as the two girls circled around him. He felt like he was being sized up physically, and it was uncomfortable in a way that being sized up strength-wise by an opponent wasn’t. The commentary didn’t help either.

“Wow, Kakashi-sensei, you have a really nice arse.”

“Ooh, and look at these arms! He must be so strong. You really should show off these muscles.”

“Something should probably be done about the hair, though.”

“Yeah, it’s definitely a bit wild.”

“Lay off the hair,” he growled, “All I want is some clothes.”

“Yes, but you want to look good for Iruka-sensei, don’t you?” Sakura smiled prettily up at him, batting her eyelashes. 

He blushed. He could feel it, and it made him mad. He _did not_ want to blush, even if they couldn’t see it. It was embarrassing for a jōnin such as himself to be caught by his own student. 

“Good.” Sakura nodded as if he’d answered her, and he had the distinctly unpleasant feeling that she knew he was blushing. “C’mon, Ino-pig, we’ve got work to do.”

 

Kakashi didn’t remember much of being dragged from shop to shop. His mind cheerfully blanked out the entire traumatising experience. He only remembered pausing once, to run his fingers along the fabric of a silken kimono which was such a deep blue it was almost black. It had tiny silver stitches detailing small, abstract birds around the hem and the sleeves.

Sakura had sidled up behind him. “That would look good on Iruka-sensei, ne?”

“Hn.” He grunted in response. It had been what he was thinking, but she didn’t need to know that. When she wasn’t looking he slipped it in with the rest of the clothes they had picked out for him, but he suspected she knew anyway. She always was way too damn perceptive. 

 

Iruka sighed. He was having more trouble than usual controlling his class today. He hadn’t seen Kakashi in two days now, and memories of his night with the ANBU troubled him. It had to have been Kakashi, there was absolutely no other explanation, but then why was he just acting as if nothing had happened? He’d gotten to know the jōnin quite well over the last few months, or so he’d thought, and the Kakashi he knew wasn’t particularly good at hiding his emotions once he took the mask off. That little piece of fabric did more than keep his face a mystery, it also kept him in shinobi mode. When he took it off it seemed he almost forgot how he had been brought up to act and just acted on impulse. 

Iruka frowned. Kakashi was a genius, and it was possible that everything he’d said or done so far had been calculated, but he counted himself as a pretty good judge of character and deep down he just didn’t feel that Kakashi had been faking. Which left him struggling to explain his ANBU problem. He felt sure that if it had been Kakashi he’d be shooting guilty looks at him every other second, and burning with shame inside. Instead he was giving him chocolate and pet names and just generally acting like he didn’t have any worries in the world. Iruka slammed his head down on the desk in frustration, making his class jump. _Why?_

“Alright kiddies, you can go home early today. Pack up all your stuff and leave the classroom as tidy as it was when you came in.”

Iruka looked up in surprise as his current mini-nins filed out the door, staring at him with wide eyes. _Shit._ He’d never blanked out that badly before, not during class. He looked over to the man who had spoken.

“You don’t get to leave. I need to talk to you first,” the man said without turning around. They both watched in silence as the last of the kids left. “Now, what’s up with you?”

When Raidō smiled the left side of his mouth failed to rise as much as the right. It had been a long time since Iruka had even noticed this, but he noticed it now and it made him think of Kakashi’s scar. He buried his face in his hands. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Raidō sat down on the edge of the desk and gently pulled his hands away. “Whatever it is that’s bothering you it’s interfering with your teaching, and I know you don’t want that. If you tell me about it maybe it won’t be so bad.”

Iruka laughed bitterly. “No, I don’t think anything could make it better.”

“Try me.”

“Well.” Iruka rubbed a hand against his temple. He’d hit his head harder than he’d thought. “What do you know about Kakashi?”

“Hatake Kakashi?” Raidō hid his surprise well, but it still leaked through in his voice. “I don’t know him very well, he tends to keep to himself. Why are you asking?”

Slumping forward onto his desk Iruka picked up a pen and studied it listlessly. “I can’t figure him out.”

The older ninja studied the younger, worried. He’d never seen Iruka like this. Not even when Naruto was in trouble did he get this distracted. “Are you in a relationship with Hatake-san?” 

Iruka nodded once, and stabbed the pen through a stray piece of paper, making a mark on the desk. “I don’t understand it. Most of the time he’s with me he’s like a… a perverted child, or something. Like he’d do anything he could to make me happy. But then,” he stopped and stared down at his hands, not sure if he could continue.

Raidō placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed reassuringly, knowing it would be better if he didn’t say anything.

“But then he came to me in full ANBU gear and just – just fucked me, and left.” Iruka shivered, remembering the disgusting feel of cold, wet semen being dragged across his back. “And now he just acts as if it didn’t happen, and I don’t get it because when I look at him I can tell that he has no idea what happened, but there was no one else it could   
have been.”

“Iruka,” said Raidō vehemently, “When you say fucked, do you mean fucked, or do you mean raped?”

The chūnin shook his head, eyes pleading. “I can’t use that word -”

“Did you want him to touch you?”

He hung his head, for once wishing his hair was free so it would shield his eyes. If he used the word ‘rape’ it would make everything so much more real, and he didn’t think he could handle that. Still, he couldn’t deny that the ANBU had forced himself onto him.

Raidō sighed and rested a heavy hand on the chūnin’s head. He didn’t know how the sweet teacher had ended up with a fuck-up like Kakashi, but there’d been weirder couples. He knew better than to tell Iruka to just talk it out with Kakashi. No matter how ‘cute’ he might seem to the chūnin he was still an unpredictable deadly assassin. “You don’t mind if I talk to Genma about this, do you? He knows more about both Hatake and ANBU than I do.”

Iruka looked up at him briefly. “But Gen -”

“Gen’s a gossip, I know. But he’s a good guy, and he does know when to keep his mouth shut. If you don’t want me to say anything to him I won’t, but he might be able to help you.”

Iruka nodded wearily. He didn’t really have all that much choice. “Thanks, Rai.”

“Just look out for yourself, okay? I have to go, Gen’s leaving on a mission tonight and -” he had the sense to blush, “Well, you know. But if you ever need a friend, I’ll be here.”

“I know, Rai, go to him.” Iruka worked up as believable a smile as he could manage.

 

When Kakashi entered the classroom (via window) an hour or so later Iruka was still staring at the wall, pen in his hand and none of his papers marked. He startled when a large object was dumped unceremoniously on his desk, and looked up. Staring him in the face was the biggest, brightest sunflower he’d ever seen. The flower itself had a bigger circumference than the pot it had been forced into, but in some extreme defiance of gravity it was standing up relatively straight.

Iruka was pondering the logic of this when Kakashi’s faced popped out from behind the flower. “So, ‘Ruka, do you like it?”

“Ano…” He stared at the grinning silver-haired man. There was something different about him. He gasped when he realised, and ran his eyes up and down that slender body, drinking in the sight and forgetting he was supposed to be mad at this man. Kakashi was wearing a slightly rumpled white button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. It hung open to reveal a plain black singlet which clung like a second skin, showing off well defined abs, and stretched up to include his mask. Below that he had on the tightest pair of gray jeans Iruka had ever seen, and on his feet was a plain black pair of sandals. _He has nice feet,_ Iruka mused before finding his gaze pulled upwards again to appreciate just how tight the pants were. He could feel drool collecting in the corner of his lips and fought to keep it in his mouth.

“Maa, Iruka, please stop staring. It makes me nervous.” He did indeed sound nervous, and he was twisting his hands together in an awkward fashion. Iruka noticed with a wry smile that he’d kept his plated gloves, obviously not relaxed enough to remove his entire uniform.

He cleared his throat, if just to give himself something else to concentrate on. “Why did you bring me a sunflower?”

“Because sunflowers turn their faces to follow the sun no matter where it goes, and you are like the sun to me, my love, the one who lights my days. This flower is to remind you-”

“You stole that from Icha Icha, didn’t you?”

Kakashi nodded meekly.

“So why?”

“Sakura and Ino took me shopping the other day, after you left. I was walking past the flower shop just before and Ino came out and told me I absolutely had to give you a flower, so I got you this one because I _adore_ you.” He grinned, and then frowned. “I hate these bloody pants. I can’t move in them at all!”

Iruka leaned forward, appreciating the view. “Why did you buy them if you’re not comfortable in them?”

“Sakura said ‘my arse looks good in them so I had to get them’.” Kakashi rolled his eye.

Iruka slammed his fist down on the desk. “Nobody should be looking at your arse but me!”

Kakashi raised his eyebrow. “My, my, ‘Ruka, that’s a little possessive, isn’t it?”

“Don’t care,” Iruka mumbled then leaped over the desk, almost knocking over the sunflower and landing on a startled Kakashi’s feet. Or he would have, had the nimble jōnin not jumped back at exactly the right time to avoid collision. And then fallen backwards on his arse.

“Goddamn pants, bloody sandals,” he muttered, kicking his legs out to send the footwear soaring and rubbing the back of his head where he’d hit it in his hasty descent. “Shouldn’t make clothes this tight, goddamn impractical.”

“But they look good on you,” Iruka said, a little worried by the fact that he’d managed to injure the Great Copy-ninja. He hovered over him, unsure what to do. “Are you alright?”

Kakashi froze. “Do you really think it looks good?”

No matter how hard he tried Iruka could no longer connect this insecure man to his ANBU visitor, no matter what the evidence pointed to. He knelt down, knees either side of the jōnin’s waist, and wrapped his arms around him. 

“Reeeeeally good,” he purred in his ear.

Kakashi shivered and moaned slightly. “Don’t turn me on ‘Ru, if I get hard these jeans will pop.”

Iruka smirked, and slo-owly pulled down the mask so he could get at the forbidden face that no one else got to see. “Then you’ll have to try very hard,” he ran his tongue along a trembling lower lip, “To think about something else,” he worked an earlobe between his teeth and nibbled, just enough so it would be felt, “Won’t you?”

He leaned forward, purposefully pressing his groin against his captive lover’s. Kakashi whined deep in his throat and pushed back reflexively. Trying to get a hold of himself he bit down hard on the shoulder in front of him, teeth ripping through the shirt and drawing blood, causing Iruka to yelp in pain. 

“Sorry ‘Ru.” Kakashi pulled the torn shirt down over his shoulder and lapped at the blood with his long, smooth tongue. “You excited me a bit much.”

Iruka had just been cursing the fact that he’d taken his flak jacket off before Kakashi had arrived but as the warm tongue flicked over his wound he changed his mind and instead gave in to the fuzzy feeling that was trying to drown him.

“We should probably leave,” Kakashi murmured between licks, his hand sneaking up under his chūnin’s shirt, “Don’t wanna get you fired, after all.”

He wouldn’t have minded sex in a public place normally, but the pants were killing him. He was very hard by now and though the fabric wasn’t ripping it was extremely tight, and he felt like he was being rubbed raw every time the sexy brunet on top of him moved his hips.

Iruka suddenly sat very still. “We’re in my classroom.”

“Yes, we are,” Kakashi provided when it seemed nothing else was forthcoming.

“I was just about to have sex, on the floor, in my classroom,” he whispered.

“You still can,” Kakashi offered, “I just thought you might want to relocate.”

“I initiated this.”

“You did,” the jōnin agreed.

“Stop being so damn agreeable,” Iruka moaned.

“Alright.”

Iruka growled. “When did you turn me into a pervert?”

“You’re not a pervert, I’m just damn irresistible.” 

He was leering, but Iruka could read the uncertainty behind it and it made his heart break. How could he have questioned the integrity of this man? He leaned forward and captured the lips in front of him, gently caressing. He pulled back before Kakashi could turn the kiss into anything else and whispered, “You really are, you know that?”

Then Kakashi was hugging him, and the world was falling, and he’d never been happier. 

“You can open your eyes now, Iruka.”

He did as requested and suddenly felt quite dizzy. “It can be a bit disorientating when someone else jutsu’s you. Sorry.” Kakashi was holding a cool palm against his forehead and he had to admit, it did make him feel a bit better. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Mm.” Iruka nodded, realising they were now on his bed and he was still straddling the jōnin. He blushed, and went to move away.

“Don’t.” 

Sometime during that last rushed moments the covering he’d been using to hide the sharingan had disappeared and Iruka was looking without restriction at the face of the most mysterious man in Konoha. He found he couldn’t speak, was drawn too far into those mismatched eyes, so he spoke with kisses. Soft, tender kisses, and he was surprised when Kakashi didn’t lead them to become forceful or demanding but instead followed his lead.

“’Kashi,” he breathed, trailing his fingers lightly down one smooth, porcelain cheek, “Make love to me.”

Kakashi grinned, but it was too lazy to be called teasing. “Get me out of these damn pants and I’ll do whatever you want me to.”

Iruka smiled, and let his fingers drop down to the waistband of the tightest pants known to man. With slight difficulty he popped open the button and pulled on the zipper, tugging the tight pants down narrow hips. Kakashi sighed in relief when the jeans were finally on the floor. “You have no idea how good that feels. I can breathe again.”

The chūnin didn’t reply, instead slipping the shirt off his shoulders and waiting patiently for him to lift his arms so he could divest him of the singlet. Satisfied that he now had a naked Copy-nin underneath him he slipped off his own shirt and pants and slid underneath the covers of the bed, motioning for Kakashi to follow.

More than a little turned on by this bold Iruka, Kakashi did as he was bid. They didn’t often have sex actually in bed, usually just bouncing around on top of the sheets, and being trapped in this cacoon of blankets infused with the scent of his lover and the warm body beside him was intoxicating and new.

They didn’t speak, instead exploring each other with touch and taste, the only sounds slight panting and soft, wet moans when a particularly sensitive spot was found. Fingers trailed along ribs, tracing old scars and defining muscles, and tongues and mouths slid eagerly over normally hidden skin, biting and sucking and tenderly licking.

When Kakashi finally pushed himself into his warm and willing lover he was overcome by a strange sense of belonging, as if he was doing what he was made to do. Those thoughts easily dissipated though as he was distracted by the little mewling noises Iruka made when he rocked against his prostate. He leaned forward until he was covering his lover’s body with his own, and placed chaste kisses over that beautiful tanned face as he rolled his hips slowly.

Iruka clung to him, tight and desperate, breathing unintelligible noises in his ear that meant nothing, and at the same time, everything. He rocked harder and faster, the lithe body underneath him effortlessly matching his rhythm, until he was gone and everything exploded into white.

When he opened his eyes he found himself gazing at the face he adored. The expressive brown eyes were glistening with unshed tears but his lips were curved up into a small, heartbreaking smile. He bent his neck and placed a small, wordless kiss on the trembling lips. He’d like to ask if everything was okay but he didn’t want to break the silence, and somehow he knew that even if everything wasn’t okay, this was perfect, and for now nothing else mattered.


	6. Chapter 6

Shiranui Genma twisted his hair into a knot and squeezed, releasing a fine arc of water droplets onto the bathroom floor. Raidō curled up his lip in disgust. “You know, Gen, if you just did that while you were still in the shower it would make cleaning up after you a lot easier.”

Genma rubbed a fluffy towel roughly over his head then picked up his senbon off the bench, sticking it in his mouth and rolling it around with his tongue a little until it felt comfortable. He stared at his reflection for a while in the foggy mirror. Raidō watched him. It amused him how Genma was perfectly happy to stand there naked, so long as he had his precious senbon. “You don’t have to clean up after me. You’re not my father.” He flicked the senbon against the side of his mouth and turned to face Raidō again, grinning cheekily. “But if you were -”

“- Then what we just did would be considered incest. I know.” Raidō barely managed to restrain himself from rolling his eyes.

“No,” Genma frowned, “I was gonna say your cock would be bigger – hey!”

Raidō had slammed him up against the wall, pinning him by his wrists. “Say that again.”

“Geez, Rai.” He pouted, and almost lost the senbon. “I was just kidding. Although if you wanted me against the wall, you only had to ask.” He smiled seductively and wrapped his bare legs around Raidō’s waist, effectively pushing their groins together. He leaned forward suggestively, only to have his lover turn his face away.

“I am not kissing you with that needle in your mouth, Genma.”

“But I thought you _liked_ danger. It’s exciting,” Genma whined.

“No, you’re the one who – let’s not have this conversation tonight, alright? Let go of me and get dressed. You have a mission soon, remember?”

“All the more reason for you to fuck me, right? You’ll regret it if you don’t and I die.”

A stony silence fell, and Genma slowly let his legs fall to the floor. “Rai…”

Raidō let go of his wrists and he slumped against the wall. “Get dressed,” he growled, and left the room, swinging the door shut behind him.

 _Damn, that was stupid._ Genma shuffled into his pants and regulation singlet as fast as he could, but slowed down to wrap his legs. No matter how much he needed to go fix his mistakes with Raidō right now this came first. If he did it wrong and it unravelled it could cost him his life. He sighed. He should have known better than to joke about that.

“Rai?” He’d taken the senbon out of his mouth in an attempt to appease the older man but kept it in his hand, rolling it in his fingers, unable to think properly without it.

Raidō was sitting on their bed, leaning against the wall, one hand covering his eyes. Feeling Genma’s presence he lowered his arm and stared at him. “Tell me about you and Hatake.”

Genma had been about to slink over to the bed and offer up more sex but at those words he paused. “I thought you didn’t want to have this conversation tonight. We only have three more hours before I have to leave, so why do you want to talk about him? It’s bad enough that I’ll have to spend the next four or five days with him.”

“You’re going on this mission with him?”

Genma nodded. “Apparently, word is he’s been back in ANBU for a couple of months already. I guess training those kids didn’t make him so soft after all.”

“Tell me about him and ANBU. Please.” Raidō spread his arms wide in an inviting gesture, and Genma took the opportunity to slide onto the bed and lean into his lover’s side.

“Kakashi is,” Genma began and then stopped, fiddling with his senbon. “I don’t really know what to say. He’s pretty messed up.”

Raidō nodded. Anyone could guess that without even meeting the guy if they’d seen his records.

“When he puts on the mask,” Genma began again, “He becomes a different person. I mean, when I put on the mask my body automatically knows it has to be constantly alert, and the part of me that thinks about food and sex and alcohol and all that stuff shuts down. But I’m still me. When he does it, all of him disappears. It’s like he has another self that takes over to do his dirty work for him then he wakes up in the morning and can’t remember a thing, as far as I can work out.”

“What’s he like, the Other Kakashi?” Raidō felt as if there was a cold hand reaching up his spine getting ready to close around his heart.

“He’s a damn good captain, but he looks down on anyone he thinks is weaker than him. Not someone you want to cross. You didn’t really know him back before he took on that genin team, right?” Raidō shook his head. “Well rumour has it that Sandaime forced him to quit ANBU because he was becoming a liability to himself. Wanted him to make some friends, be a normal person and not a killer. Kakashi didn’t take that too well.”

Raidō slipped his arm around Genma’s waist and pulled him closer, hoping the warmth from the other man’s body would stop him from feeling so cold. “What about sex,” he whispered, not wanting to hear the answer. “What was he like with you?”

The younger man closed his eyes and ran his fingers along the scarred chest in front of him. “You already know,” he whispered back. “I don’t need to tell you that.”

Raidō paled. He did know, and that made it worse. _Iruka-sensei…_ When he’d started dating Genma the seductive senbon sucker had only ever wanted it hard and fast. He liked to play games involving handcuffs and weapons, and got off on getting hurt. He still remembered the first time Genma had bled, after begging him to take him with no preparation or lube. He’d been horrified to see blood on his cock but Genma had just turned around and said, _“Keep going. The blood acts like lube, it’ll get easier.”_ He’d learned that from Kakashi, he later found out.

“Gen, you still like it, don’t you? You still want to be hurt like that.”

Genma frowned. “Well yeah, I guess. But I know you’re not into it and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“No.” Raidō swallowed a couple of times in an attempt to keep his voice from shaking. “I mean, if he – if Kakashi - asks you, I want you to say yes. But only – only if you’ll like it.”

“You want me to say yes? After you’ve spent so many years trying to get me not to want it?” Genma looked doubtful. “What’s wrong with you, Rai?”

Raidō closed his eyes and took a deep breath. _In, then out._ “He went to Iruka-sensei. It’s just… I have the feeling he’ll go back there if he doesn’t get off somewhere else. And I don’t know how Iruka will handle it.”

“So you want him to get off with me? That’s a bit fucked up, Rai-kun. But,” he softened his voice, “I do get what you mean. Iruka-sensei’s the only damn innocent left in this village, and that’s including the children. Why’d Kakashi pick him, you know?”

Raidō shrugged. “Apparently they’ve been dating for a while.”

“Hm.” Genma leaned his head against his partner’s chest and licked tentatively at a nipple, signalling the close of the conversation. “I’ll see what I can do.”

 

Iruka was lying on his back with his eyes open, but not really seeing anything. He concentrated instead on the feel of Kakashi’s fingers as they played up and down his chest. The older nin’s hands were large, bigger than his own, and calloused, with small scars littered across the fingertips from years of summoning. The skin was rough but the touch was gentle, and it went a long way towards soothing him.

“I have to go soon.” Kakashi broke the calm silence that had been stretching over them since they’d landed in the bed.   
Iruka turned his head lazily to look at him. “What do you mean by soon?”

“An hour.”

“S-rank?” 

A slight incline of the head.

“How long?”

“I’m not sure. Four, five days at most.” Kakashi smiled, and grazed his lover’s jaw lightly with his knuckles. “Get that look off your face, I’ll be fine. I’ve been doing this all my life.”

Iruka did his best to dredge up a halfway decent smile. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll be back before you even notice I’m gone,” Kakashi replied with false cheer.

 

Genma slipped silently in through the window that had been left open for him, ripping his mask off and tossing it on the floor. He hated that mask. It stood for inhumane death and blind loyalty, and the thick ceramic made it hard to breathe. Coming home from these missions was always hard, re-establishing himself as a person instead of a killer, but it was harder when this happened. He’d realised it even before he’d climbed in the window, always alert for danger. The tightly made bed and spotless room – Raidō was on a mission.

He sighed, worked a senbon into his mouth – that was another bad thing about those masks, there was no room for him to feel the soothing metal on his tongue – and climbed into the shower fully dressed. Rai wasn’t going to be very happy with him when he got home, and that wasn’t because his mask would leave bloodstains on the carpet. He’d messed up with Kakashi, and Iruka was going to pay for it.

_Hound surveyed the damage with a critical eye. Six missing nin were sprawled out at his feet, only two of them dangerous enough to have been in the Bingo Book. Despite their weak status, their plan to invade Konoha through the underground scene was likely to have worked, and could have been quite successful. They’d gotten quite close before they’d been noticed._

_“Is that all of them?” Genma asked, his tone low and even._

_“I can’t sense any more,” Hound replied without turning his head, “But even if there are, they’ll be useless without this one.” He kicked at the body of a large, muscular man. The corpse’s head lolled back and gaped at Genma with wide, unseeing eyes. “We’ll report back after we get rid of these.”_

Genma stripped off his armour and clothes, leaving it in a heap in the bottom of the shower in the hopes that the pounding water could get rid of the smell of death ingrained into the fabric. He hated destroying corpses. The stench was unbearable; it seeped into your nose, your eyes, your lungs, through the pores in your skin, and there was something that just seemed demonic about extinguishing someone’s life so there was nothing left, almost as if they’d never lived at all.

One of the ninja they had killed had been young, barely a man, with a bright shock of blond hair. He’d reminded him of Naturo, and he wondered if Kakashi had felt anything dispatching that life, but Hound stood stoic and still. He didn’t ask.

_They were back within the borders of Fire Country when Genma drew up alongside Hound. “You look tense. Do you want to work out some of that anger?”_

_He felt weird, as if he was offering up his soul. It had been a long time since he’d been given an outlet for his masochistic tenancies and the thought made him excited and frightened at the same time, his blood racing hot through his veins. He’d never propositioned Hound before either, because Hound used to come on to him first. He felt a stab of guilt for Raidō but kicked it to the back of his mind. It wasn’t like it’d be cheating. Rai understood mission sex, and he’d actually asked him for this._

_Hound turned to look at him, not slowing his pace, moving with unnaturally feline grace. “You want to be fucked, Crow?” His voice was mocking, cruel. “You still get off on being used?”_

_Genma felt his cheeks heating up and was grateful for his mask for the first time. He felt humiliated and tiny, and the fact that it was turning him on made him disgusted with himself. “Yes,” he forced himself to say._

_Suddenly Hound was behind him, pressed hard against his back, one gloved hand on his balls and the other around his neck. Hound squeezed with both hands, just enough to make his vision foggy, and he felt his dick jump to attention. Oh gods, Rai was never like this. Hound scraped the claws of his glove up his inner thigh, and he could feel them drawing blood._

_“It’s just too bad,” the mocking voice said, and the pressure was released. He felt suddenly very cold. “I don’t desire you. I have a new toy.”_

_Hound leapt away, continuing homewards without another word. Genma followed, stumbling slightly, his thigh stinging and his cock aching.  
_  
Genma leaned against the wall, not noticing or not caring that the water had gone cold. He’d never been turned down before, he realised. Most people jumped at the chance to mess around with him. In a weird way, he was jealous of Iruka for being wanted, and that made him feel sick. He’d just have to hold out until Raidō got home, because Rai had healing hands that made everything better.

 

Iruka looked over at the sunflower beside his bed for the nth time and smiled. It had already started to wilt when he’d gone back to his classroom the day after Kakashi had given it to him which had confused him, until Ino happened to mention that the flower she’d given to the silver haired nin had been chopped and not planted. Apparently that genius had just stuck it in the dirt and expected it to start growing again. He’d shaken his head in exasperation when he’d heard that, but he’d been smiling. It was still incredibly cute, although how a man could be a genius and not know how plants grow was beyond him. He’d put the flower in a vase and now it was looking slightly healthier, though he knew it would be on its way out soon. 

It reminded him of Naruto in a way, if he dared delve that deep into his own mind. It matched his hair and his bright exuberance, and it appeared to have the same determination (Iruka wondered again how it managed to stand so straight. It was an even more difficult feat for a flower which didn’t have roots, and it puzzled him. Perhaps it was a distant relation to Kakashi’s gravity defying hair). 

 

He awoke to the feel of very sharp nails sliding down his spine, pausing on his tailbone. “Hello, pretty chūnin,” a voice that froze his blood in his veins said in a sing-song manner, “I’m going to take you tonight.”

Iruka didn’t move, more out of self-preservation than fear. The nails on his back weren’t fingernails, he realised, but claws. And if they dug in any deeper where they were he could end up paralysed.

“Good boy,” the voice crooned, and a clawed, gloved hand stroked across his face. The ANBU ran his other hand down his leg, claws tearing through the cloth of his sleeping pants like it was silk and peeling it off. He didn’t think he’d ever felt so vulnerable, naked and face down on his bed while his fully clothed captor hovered over him. It was frightening and unsettling. He twisted his head a little so he could look at the sunflower, and thought of Naruto.

The ANBU had taken one of his gloves off (he was thankful for that, at least) and was working a couple of impatient fingers inside him. It was bruising and painful and he found that he couldn’t keep the picture of Naruto in his head, couldn’t send his mind away from what was happening, because the man was too heavy, too real, and the cloying smell of dried blood and death hung on him like a cloak.

Hound was silent as he worked and couldn’t help but wish the chūnin would make some noise, a whimper or a moan or a scream, any kind of reaction at all. The chūnin quivered when he pushed in three fingers, but didn’t make a sound.  
Frustrated, he pulled his hand away and thrust his cock swiftly into the hot depths of the chūnin, not pausing before pulling halfway back out then thrusting in harder. It felt unbelievably good, the hot walls of the passage sucking onto his cock tighter than anything he could have imagined. It felt even better when he heard the chūnin’s half strangled scream, muffled slightly by the pillow.

The ANBU pulled his face out of the pillow by his hair, watching with a sick kind of glee as his head bounced back and fourth while he pounded into his tight ring of muscles. Iruka screwed his eyes shut. _I can bear this. It won’t last much longer. I am a shinobi. I’ve been through worse,_ he lied to himself. 

Hound was hot and heavy on his back, the claws on his left hand biting into the skin on his hip and his vile breath came hard and fast in his ear. He wished he could block out the sounds the ANBU made as he moved but he had to use his arms to keep himself up, to stop the strain in his neck and prevent his spine from snapping in two.

The wild moan the ANBU made when he came sounded so much like Kakashi that Iruka wanted to cry. He was so far out of his depth and incredibly confused and aching. Nothing made sense any more. Why would anyone do this to him? Why would _Kakashi_ do this to him? Was it a stupid joke at his expense? If it was, he wanted it to end, now. 

He barely noticed when the ANBU pulled out and walked away. He lay where he’d been left, discarded, and listened to the sound of his own shaky breaths until they disintegrated into quiet, chest-racking sobs with tears that burned his eyes and stung his face.

 

Kakashi felt shaky all over. His palms were sweating, his heart hammering in his chest and – he looked down – there was blood on his dick. His stomach took in this new information faster than his brain could, and he turned and vomited in the toilet. He slowly slid down the wall beside the bowl and growled to himself. “What the hell Hound, you better not give me diseases.”

Then he shook his head. Talking to yourself is one of the first signs of madness, right? Well, he knew he quite possibly was mad but it wasn’t the best idea to admit it.

Studying his blood-splattered dirt-caked armour he wondered again why he had decided to get back into ANBU. Most people didn’t last more than a year or two, but he’d done something like eight years before Sandaime had forced him to quit, and now here he was back again. Why? Because he had needed something to fill the gaping hole left by his former students, if he was being completely honest. But now that he’d found something better to fill that hole with, (he’d look back on that thought later and giggle madly behind his book) a beautiful tanned chūnin sensei that fit perfectly, he didn’t think that Tsunade would let him leave.

Most of those he’d known during his first stint in ANBU were now dead or crazy. Those who held the title now had never been to war, and a lot of them tended to think too highly of themselves. She’d wanted Hound back because he was famous among ANBU and would cause quite a stir just by being back, not to mention the benefits of his actual expertise.  
Kakashi didn’t like Hound. Essentially that was like saying he didn’t like himself, but recently he’d started seeing the ANBU warrior as someone completely aside from himself. He’d started out as one person, he knew. And it had ripped him apart. He’d been too young to handle what he was doing so his mind had created a place for him to hide when things got too hard, and his body’s primal instincts had taken over. The part of him that came to be known as Hound grew up with him and protected him from things he saw and did that would otherwise have broken him, leaving when things calmed down again.

Near the end of his first stint in ANBU he’d wondered offhandedly if Hound would one day just not let him come back. At that point he’d been more Hound than Kakashi, and the thought hadn’t really bothered him. He wondered about it now, and realised he didn’t even know who Kakashi was anymore. He also realised that he’d really like to find out, because even if he wasn’t much good at it he enjoyed being that person, the one who knew how to make Iruka-sensei blush in all the good ways.

Sitting up straight he realised he was once again in Iruka’s bathroom for some reason. Shaking his head, he decided to figure out the ‘why’ of the situation later and put getting clean as his top priority. He pulled off all his armour and placed it in a semi-neat pile underneath the sink, creating a new pile for his pants, singlet and hitai ate. He’d have to put those ones back on, and he wasn’t looking forward to it.

The water felt good against his skin, soothing, and it almost put him to sleep. Almost, because when he did start to drift off he toppled and hit his head on the wall with a very unmanly squeak. Sighing, he scrubbed his hands through his hair and watched the water turn a weak pinky brown as he squeezed. He didn’t even want to know how he’d managed to get blood in his hair. That was something Hound could keep to himself.

When he’d finished he rubbed his foot against the corners of the shower box, acutely aware that this was not his bathroom and not everyone appreciated blood rims around their showers. When he’d satisfied his cleaning need he used Iruka’s hand towel to dry himself off as best he could. He hadn’t even thought about what he’d use when he got out. _Some genius, ne?_ He laughed at himself, and it had an almost hollow sound.

It was as disgusting as he’d thought to pull his dirty ANBU clothes back over newly cleaned skin but he did so without complaint. He’d had worse, and if he was lucky Iruka would let him take them off again soon enough. He cracked a smile when he thought about being wrapped in his chūnin’s warm arms, and padded out down the hallway.

He didn’t know what made him look into the bedroom, only that when he did he felt like someone had just thrown a bucket of icy water over his head. Iruka was lying on the bed naked, cuddling a sunflower. It sounded like it could be the start of one of his nicer dreams, except that in those dreams Iruka wasn’t all hunched over protectively like that, he wasn’t shaking, and he definitely didn’t have tear tracks staining his cheeks. His whole body quivered as Iruka looked up and large, pleading eyes met his for a second – then flickered away, not wanting to see him. The chūnin curled in on himself tighter and a fresh wave of silent tears started.

Kakashi wished he’d had the sense to cover his sharingan before leaving the bathroom. This scene, he knew, would   
haunt him forever. He wanted to vomit, and scream, and cry, but he would do none of these. He’d just found out the ‘why’ of being in Iruka’s house and it was the emotional equivalent of being kicked in the stomach. He’d never been more disgusted with himself. So he did the only thing he could do under the circumstances, the only thing he’d ever really been good at. He ran.


	7. Chapter 7

Genma studied the shinobi before him without appearing to do so and felt a grudging respect for the man. Umino Iruka was going about his day as normal, smiling and laughing and yelling about incomplete and inadequate forms. If he was a little pale or had a barely noticeable downwards turn to his lips nobody said anything about it. 

The special jōnin himself was having a hard time keeping it together. Raidō still wasn’t back, and he’d found a note telling him it’d probably be another two days before he did get back, and it was making him antsy. He wished more than ever that Kakashi had taken him up on his offer, because at least then the raw tumultuous emotions boiling inside him would have had some release.

It wasn’t the mission that had him yearning for an outlet, though. He’d been through far worse, and he didn’t feel particularly bad about killing ninja who had abandoned their villages. It was this Kakashi thing that he’d been inadvertently sucked into that was making him crazy. The man was a walking time bomb. It was his fault that Iruka was hurting and confused, his fault that Raidō was worried and questioning his morals, his fault that he was once again aching to be brutally fucked until he couldn’t remember his own name. He flicked his senbon to the other side of his mouth angrily, almost stabbing himself in the cheek.

“Genma-san, do you have something you want to say to me?” Iruka’s voice was calm and his face betrayed no emotion.

“Erm.” Genma looked down at his feet and faked a cough. It probably wasn’t the best time to talk to the man when he was thinking hateful things about his partner. “Why would you think that?”

“Because you’ve been watching me for the last half hour.” Iruka raised an eyebrow. 

“Ah, well.” The special jōnin patted his side where a hidden pocket held his poisoned senbon collection, drawing comfort and strength from the familiar shapes. He stared straight at Iruka with a well-practiced and calculated leer. “If you didn’t want people to stare you’d make yourself less attractive.”

The blush he’d expected wasn’t forthcoming. Instead Iruka looked down at himself with a frown. He didn’t think he looked any different than usual. He was wearing his normal uniform, flak jacket closed, and his hair was up in its normal bristly ponytail. He glanced back at Genma and noticed that the man’s hands were shaking, but couldn’t figure out whether it was from fear or anger. There was something bigger going on here.

“Genma-san,” he said quietly, “I finish here in an hour. Would you like to go have lunch with me then?”

Genma nodded without thinking, then wondered if Iruka had actually thought he was hitting on him. He pushed the thought away almost immediately. He didn’t know the chūnin that well, but he did know the guy was extremely perceptive and quite intelligent. He had to be, to deal with pre-genin. He wasn’t looking forward to this chat but at least he had an hour to get his thoughts together.

 

Kakashi sat huddled in the corner of his apartment, surrounded by his silent ninken. He wished they’d leave him alone to wallow in his misery but they were too damn stubborn and refused to be kicked out. They’d felt the sudden imbalance in his chakra, a flare of pain more intense than they’d felt from him before, and come running. He laughed, because if he didn’t he’d fall apart. It was a sad, broken sound. 

The dogs were watching him warily, pressing up against him any chance they could, and he knew they were thinking of Sakumo. He almost laughed again. It was so terribly ironic that his father had done what he’d considered the right thing and died for it, yet he’d done something so despicable even he knew it was wrong and would live. He was too much of a shinobi to die in any other way than directly for his village. 

He rubbed a hand on Pakkun’s head and sighed heavily. The only thing he could do was avoid the teacher completely. He should have known better than to get in a relationship in the first place. He’d tried to take something good for himself when he knew that he didn’t deserve it. Kakashi wasn’t worth shit. He’d be Hound and do what he knew best, in an arena where blushing schoolteachers couldn’t catch him off guard and make him feel like a clumsy teenager with a crush. Assassinations were safe. 

He stood up and waded through his dogs to the couch. It was covered in plastic bags, which he was slightly confused about until he opened one and remembered his humiliating shopping experience with Sakura and Ino. Well, that had been a waste of money. He’d have no need for civilian clothes now. He paused as his hand brushed against silk; the kimono he’d brought for Iruka. Feeling slightly irrational and more than a little unhinged he gathered up all the bags and threw them into his closet, slamming the door shut and sinking down to the floor in front of it. Obitio’s eye watered, and he let the tears fall freely down his face. It was oddly comforting. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried.

 

Genma was way out of his comfort zone and itching to run away. He’d swapped his usual senbon for one coated in a mild sedative but for some reason it didn’t seem to be working. And Iruka was sitting across from him with the same calm expression he’d had in the mission room, as if he was perhaps slightly bored, or at the very least uninterested. He’d never felt so shaken, and this man was just a chūnin. What the hell was wrong with him?

The special jōnin was looking everywhere but at the chūnin until their food arrived and it would have been considered rude to be so distracted. He was surprised to see Iruka gazing down at his hands, inspecting his fingernails as if they held all the secrets of the world. He suddenly looked a lot smaller, and very alone. “I’m guessing Raidō talked to you,” he said quietly.

Genma stared down at his plate. The food smelled incredibly good, but he didn’t think he’d be able to eat anything without throwing it up again. And that was saying something, because every bartender in town knew him as ‘The Iron Stomach’. “Yeah.”

Iruka was twirling noodles around his chopsticks with no intention to eat them, barely registering what he was doing. When he looked up his eyes were brimming with some undisclosed emotion, and Genma wondered how he’d ever managed to become a chūnin with a face that expressive. “Can you help me?”

“Did he go to you last night?” Genma wasn’t sure why he’d asked the question; he didn’t want to know the answer. Or rather, he already knew the answer but didn’t want to hear it said. That would make it so much more real, so much worse. “I couldn’t stop him,” he thought bitterly, and was surprised when he realised he’d spoken aloud.

“I don’t need you to stop him.” Iruka’s mouth twisted up into something resembling a smile then dropped again almost instantly. “I just want to know _why_ he’s doing it.”

“If it helps, he probably doesn’t even know that he’s doing it.” Genma couldn’t help but find himself intrigued by this man. Did he think he didn’t need protection, that he could go up against the Copy-nin on his own? “He split himself in two when he was a lot younger so he could cope with being who he is. The one who’s causing you trouble is Hound, who takes care of the difficult missions so Kakashi doesn’t fall apart completely. I don’t understand why he’s targeting you, though. Hound’s pretty loyal to Konoha and wouldn’t usually hurt a fellow shinobi on purpose.” 

He chewed on his senbon thoughtfully, unease evaporating as he wondered aloud. “And he didn’t seem to need mission sex the way the rest of us did, ya’know, as a way to remember you’re human and all that, I think he did it ‘cause he liked the feeling of completely dominating someone. I don’t think he ever did it to anyone outside of a mission before.”

Iruka stayed silent, so Genma kept rambling. “Though Kakashi’s never been in a relationship before either. Hound must think you’re rightfully his, or something. He must like you. He’s never turned me down before.”

“Turned you down?” Iruka’s eyes were hard and sharp and the special jōnin squirmed under his gaze. He’d let his guard down a bit too much.

“I offered to let him fuck me because then he might not have gone to you. He said no.” The swearword tasted weird on his tongue directed at the teacher and he suddenly felt ashamed of himself.

“But what about Rai?”

He was shocked the chūnin wasn’t thinking about himself but realised he shouldn’t be. That’s all this man had ever done. He’d been a friend to the kyuubi kid before any else was willing to give him a chance, and he’d been raped by one of the most powerful men in Konoha and was trying to understand him rather than running like hell. “Rai told me to,” Genma said, and wondered why just saying the words made it feel like his partner had sacrificed him for someone else. Probably because he had.

“Why?” Iruka was practically shaking with anger and Genma was shocked to realise that the anger was on his behalf. “Why would Raidō offer you to him, just as a means of placating him? He has to know that it wouldn’t exactly be pleasant sex.   
I know how much he cares about you.”

Genma tried to twirl the senbon but the sedative had put his tongue half to sleep. He hadn’t wanted to go into this, but there didn’t seem to be any other choice. “I have a thing for… being dominated. Kakashi would do it for me if I asked, but there was a difference between when he did it and when Hound did it. I couldn’t explain it if I tried, but it was there. I sort of got the feeling that Hound got too much pleasure out of it. Rai knows, he’s been trying to get me to grow out of it or something for years. He doesn’t like to hurt me.” He spat the senbon out and it embedded itself in the wood of the table. It was too stupid to keep it between his lips with his mouth as numb as it was.

It was weird; it didn’t seem as awkward as he had thought to share one of his best-kept secrets with a man who was pretty much a stranger. At least Iruka didn’t seem revolted by him.

“Is it a self-worth thing,” Iruka said suddenly, after minutes of silence. “Does someone taking pleasure in your body in such a brutal, carnal way make you feel like you’re being useful, like them getting pleasure from you makes you worth something to them?”

Genma stared at Iruka, meeting his eyes, and instead of seeing the pity he’d feared would be there he saw understanding. He didn’t answer the question. He knew he didn’t need to.

“You’re worth a lot to him,” Iruka said, and Genma didn’t need to ask who he was talking about. “Thank you for telling me about Hound. I was going a bit crazy trying to figure it out without any background information.” He laughed slightly uncomfortably.

“Does Kakashi know about this?” Genma asked curiously.

Iruka cast his eyes down. “He saw me, last night. After – after it happened. He just stood there and looked for a moment, and then ran.” Desperation etched into his features for a few seconds then was gone, smoothed out by a perfect blank mask. “I could deal with it if he stayed. I could handle Hound if Kakashi came back to me afterwards, and just held me and made me feel a bit like myself again. But I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.” He smiled softly at the table and repeated his last words. “No, that’s never going to happen.”

 

Kakashi stared at the memorial stone. It stared back. “If you were still alive you’d hate me right now, Obito.” He thought he heard laughter and wondered if he truly was going mad. “You’d know how to fix this and make everything right, if you were in my position. Of course, if I were you I’d never have done it in the first place.”

He sighed. “You would have liked him. He’s a lot like you, you know. I bet you find that funny, that out of all the people out there I fall for the one who had your stupid stubborn streak and intrinsic selflessness. Go on, laugh at me.”

The monument stayed silent. Kakashi rubbed his face in exasperation. _What am I even doing here, trying to get advice from dead people?_ He would have laughed, but didn’t have the strength to find it funny. _It’s actually a good thing they don’t reply,_ he mused. Aside from the fact that that would make him certifiably crazy he didn’t think he’d be able to handle Minato’s disappointed pitying expression. Rin would be upset for him, Obito would be mad at him, and Minato would just stand there with the piercing look that said he felt truly sorry for him. He’d watched him with that look on his face often, when he didn’t think Kakashi was aware of it.

Kakashi wondered what it would be like if Iruka pitied him instead of being upset or angry about what had happened. He cast the thought aside with a shudder. Iruka wouldn’t pity him, for Kami’s sake. He’d just raped the poor man. His mind choked on the word. _Raped._ That was unforgivable.

“I think he would forgive me after a time, because he’s like that. Like you forgave me for wanting to abandon my team, for costing you your life. But even if he did I’m not sure I’d deserve it.” He bent forward and ran his fingers across the names in the stone, whispering. “You should really just have let me die, you know. Then you would have lived, and you’d be really good for him, not just mess everything up all the time like I do. He’d like you.”

“Who would?”

“Iruka-sensei.” It took him a few seconds to realise that the voice hadn’t come from inside his head and he’d just shared unnecessary information. He turned his head slightly and glowered at the sannin standing next to him. “You shouldn’t sneak up on people.”

“I didn’t. You were so out of it I could have brought ten Naruto’s with me and you still wouldn’t have seen me coming,” the white haired pervert said with a casual flick of his wrist. “So what’s got your panties in a twist, hmm?”

Kakashi contemplated telling vs. not telling. The old man looked serious enough and he’d trust him with his life in a battle situation, but he didn’t really want to risk the chance of his love life (or lack thereof) being turned into a dirty novel. “I don’t wear ‘panties’.”

Jiraiya wasn’t listening. “Iruka, Iruka, Iruka. Hmm.” He tapped a finger against his jaw as he spoke, gazing off into the distance. Kakashi wished he’d stop saying that name. “I’ve got it! Iruka-sensei was Naruto’s first teacher, right? That crazy chūnin who can go from nice to angry in 0.3 seconds.”

“That’d be about right,” Kakashi said dryly.

“What did you do to him?”

“Why do you think I did something to him?”

“Because you were just moaning about forgiveness and all that crap. You must have done something pretty bad.”

Kakashi snorted despite himself. “‘Pretty bad’ doesn’t really cover it.”

“So are you going to go talk to him about it, or do you only spill your depressing secrets to guys who are dead?”

“Talk to him? Do you really think I’m capable of that? And I don’t think they even make ‘Sorry I raped you’ greeting cards.”

Jiraiya studied the man beside him a little sadly. He looked a lot like his father with his pale skin and wild silver hair, but most of all from the defeated slump of his shoulders. Whatever his relationship with the Umino man, what he had done was obviously bothering him a lot. He’d have to keep this one a secret from Naruto or the boy would likely try to beat the crap out of his old sensei for hurting the man he looked up to as a father. And from the way he was acting now he knew that Kakashi would just take it without even trying to protect himself.

He remembered Kakashi as a child, and the pride Hatake Sakumo had had in his genius prodigy. Sakumo’s wife had died giving birth and as a result he had focused all his energy on training his new son to be an emotionless killer, under the belief that if he never loved anyone then he could never get hurt the way he had been. Looking at the desolate Copy-nin now Jiraiya wondered if there had been some truth in that. He’d watched the young Hatake grow up from a distance, more quickly than he’d ever thought possible. It was no wonder that the man beside him today had no idea how to succeed in a relationship. He’d never had a childhood, and never had anyone around to show him what a loving relationship was.

“Turn up on his doorstep and just tell him how you feel. If he can handle Naruto I don’t think he’ll kick you out.”

Kakashi looked at him like he’d sprouted a second head. “Tell him how I feel,” he said flatly.

“Well, you know.” Jiraiya jerked his shoulders up and down in a shrugging motion. “Just stand there and give him that puppy dog look of yours. I don’t know how you do it with only one eye, but it seems to work on all the ladies.”

Kakashi swept a hand through his hair in an agitated manner. “It’s best for him if I just leave him alone.”

Jiraiya eyed him carefully for a long moment and then shrugged again. “I can’t really help you because I don’t really know what’s going on, kid, but just think about it for a while. Is it best for you if you leave him alone?”

“It doesn’t matter. I lost the right to have an opinion when I crawled into his bed uninvited.” The silver haired nin gave an exaggerated version of his eye smile. “I always was a fighter not a lover anyway.”

“Kakashi-” 

He was gone before Jiraiya could say any more. The old man turned to the monument and offered a wry smile. “I don’t understand how you ever managed to handle that brat, Minato. He’s much more difficult than his father was.”

 

“Iruka-sensei! Iruka-sensei!”

Iruka’s face broke into a genuine smile as he saw two of his former students running towards him. “Sakura, Ino, it’s good to see you. How are things going at the hospital?”

“Oh, it’s great.” Sakura beamed. “Tsunade-sama has been a great teacher and I’ve learned so much. I finally feel like I can be a help to my team.”

Iruka decided against reminding her that her team wasn’t really a team any more, what with the betrayal of Sasuke and Kakashi’s part-time return to ANBU. He felt a little sad at being replaced as the Sensei she looked up to, but it happened with all his kids sometime and he was genuinely glad she had found her niche. “I’m happy for you Sakura. You’re   
working to become a medic-nin too, aren’t you Ino?”

The blonde girl nodded, face a picture of seriousness. “I’m training as hard as I can, and soon I’ll surpass Sakura!”

“You’ll never beat me Ino-pig!”

“Bring it on, Forehead Girl.”

“It’s good to have a little competition, but remember in the end you’re both still working for the same village so it’s often a good idea to work as a team.” Iruka smiled at his former students. They were growing up and doing so well, but in some ways they were still the same kids he’d had in his classroom only a few years ago. “So why were you wanting to talk to me? I’d like to stay and chat, but at the moment I’m in transit between jobs.” He shifted the stack of papers he was carrying to his other arm. “I have mission desk duty in ten minutes.”

“Iruka-sensei, you always do too much. You’ll run yourself into the ground one of these days,” Sakura admonished. Iruka just shook his head and smiled. “Well, we just wanted to know what you thought of the kimono.”

The chūnin screwed up his nose in confusion. “Kimono?”

“You know, the one Kakashi-” Ino yelped as her friend hit her over the head.

“Baka! He probably hasn’t given it to him yet,” Sakura hissed.

“Wait. So… Kakashi brought me a kimono?” Iruka scratched his head. “Why?”

“Last week we saw him in a lingerie shop and he looked so lost and cute.” Sakura fluttered her eyelashes and held her hands against her chest in a swooning motion. Iruka blinked owlishly. _Kakashi? Lingerie?_ “And he said he was looking for clothes so we took him shopping with us.”

“And when we were in that shop in the civilian district, I can’t remember what it’s called, it has the most beautiful formal wear -” Ino cut in.

“- He was touching this one kimono and kinda staring off into space, it was amazing, and I said he should get it for you -”

“- And he said no, but I saw him put it in the pile of stuff to buy anyway.”

“Um. Okay. I kind of have to go now.” Iruka scurried away. He’d forgotten how scary those two could get when they were together. Worse than Naruto and Sasuke. And now he was thinking about Kakashi again. He’d managed to forget about him for the whole morning; it didn’t pay to be distracted when you were teaching small children how to handle weapons. But now he was back to having Copy-nin on the brain. What Genma had said about Kakashi having a split personality certainly made sense, and he was glad that Raidō had gotten him to talk to him. It had also opened up a whole new side to Genma that he hadn’t previously been aware of, and he decided he’d probe that gently after this Copy-nin business was sorted out. 

In all honesty he had no idea what to do with Kakashi. He was incredibly sweet and naïve, but on the flipside he was rough and uncaring. He’d seen the pain and the guilt on the jōnin’s face when he had seen him lying on the bed like that, and he knew that none of that had been faked. But he couldn’t work out why he had run away and just left him, cold and naked and alone. Was the famous Sharingan no Kakashi really such a scaredy cat?


	8. Chapter 8

Iruka closed the door to his apartment behind himself with a satisfying click and leaned against it, sighing. Summoning the last of his energy he set about dropping his bag on the floor in an untidy heap, shrugging off his flak jacket and loosening his hair out of its tight ponytail. He usually dreaded having his hair down – it was messy and distracting, got in his face all the time and was in no way practical for a seasoned shinobi – but he must have tied it too tight this morning because the way it was stretching his skin made his forehead ache and his teeth clench. 

He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. Mission room duty tended to be quite unpleasant work, and there were only two types of shifts he had ever encountered in all his time working there. Shift Type One was where nobody came in, and was dreadfully boring. He tended to spend those shifts marking student work and revising lesson plans for the next day. Shift Type Two was when every shinobi and his mother came in wanting a mission or handing in a mission report. He tended to spend those shifts yelling.

The shift he’d just finished was of the latter variety, and his throat was sore from all the screaming he’d participated in. He still couldn’t actually believe he’d been stupid enough to get into a shouting match with Anko, who’d decided it would be fun to rile him up to relieve herself of boredom. He smirked as he remembered handing her the ‘swamp-cleaning’ mission scroll. That should certainly keep her from being bored for a while.

He shucked off his shoes and padded into the kitchen. Lemon tea sounded good, something to soothe his aching throat. He was rooting around in the cupboard for some tealeaves when he heard the unmistakable sound of someone clearing their throat behind him. Whirling around in surprise he let go of the glass jar in his hand, wincing as it shattered on the ground near his bare foot.

“Pakkun?” Out of all the people he’d expect might show up unannounced in his apartment Kakashi’s favourite nin-dog had not been one of them. _Though I probably should have expected it,_ he thought wryly, _That stupid jōnin likes to go out of his way to put people out of their depth._ “Why are you here?”

“Boss asked me to check if you were alright,” the little pug said with a very human sounding sigh. “Of course, he probably didn’t want you to know that, but I don’t intend to go sneaking round your house uninvited.”

“Ano, that’s very nice of you then,” Iruka said awkwardly. He hadn’t had much experience with Kakashi’s ninken in the time they’d been together and he was unsure how to treat the self-assured dog. “Would you like a steak?” he offered tentatively.

“That would be very nice of you,” the pug replied, slightly taken aback by the offer of hospitality. “I already like you better than the Boss.”

Iruka smiled tightly and set a thick chunk of meat in the microwave to defrost. “Is Kakashi avoiding me?”

Pakkun watched the steak as it spun with hungry eyes. “Yep. He’s come to the conclusion that you are better off without him. He’s probably right, you know. No one in their right mind wants to spend more time with him than they have to, at least when it comes to humans. He’s not too bad when it comes to us dogs.”

Iruka put aside the first part of the speech to deal with later and focussed on the rest. “What do you mean, no one wants to spend time with him?” He was genuinely confused.

The pug took his eyes off the meat for a second to look at him warily. “I probably shouldn’t be talking to you at all.”

Iruka ground his fists into his forehead. “You can’t just say something like that and then expect me to forget it.” _I will not start an argument with a dog,_ he repeated to himself. _I will not start an argument with a dog. Even if said dog is owned by the most infuriating person alive and shares some of his most annoying traits._

“Well.” Pakkun glanced at the microwave and realised that if he pissed off this person he wouldn’t be getting that steak.   
And it wasn’t likely that Kakashi would have anything that good waiting for him at home, especially with the way he’d been acting lately. “Boss is not exactly a social butterfly, if you hadn’t noticed. You’re the only one he’s tried to get close to since – well I don’t even know, really.”

“What about Genma?”

“That long haired senbon sucking guy? Naw, that wasn’t even what I’d call a friendship. More like they were mutually using each other. He was kinda close to Minato before he died, but it was more that he admired him than anything else. He never let anyone get close to him really.”

The pug felt kind of bad about spilling his master’s secrets, but Iruka-sensei was nice and he didn’t think he’d tell anyone. Besides, it wasn’t anything he couldn’t have seen if he’d been looking himself. The microwave dinged and Iruka crouched down, setting the steak down on the floor in front of him.

“Why did he choose me then?” Iruka vaguely remembered a conversation in which the jōnin had told him it was because he had a big heart but he still just couldn’t believe that such a strong, famous man would want a lousy little chūnin like him for a partner. _Unless he’s looking for someone he can dominate easily,_ a voice in his head sneered at him. He shuddered. _But if that was true he’d have everything he wanted in Genma. Willing submission from a good-looking partner._

“I don’ knaw,” Pakkun said with a piece of steak held between his teeth. He swallowed it hastily and continued, “He doesn’t tell me stuff like that. Doesn’t tell anyone.”

“Wait a minute!” Iruka thought back. “You said Minato… you mean the Yondaime, right?”

“Yeah.” Pakkun scarfed another chunk of the meat. “Boss’s sensei, nice guy. He was hit pretty hard when he died, last of his ‘precious people’ I guess. That was about the time he started taking non-stop ANBU missions. Worked us to the bone.”

He hurried to finish the rest of the steak. Who knows what he’d end up saying if he stayed here much longer. “Well, I best be going.”

“Wait.” Iruka held out a hand as if to stop him. “Tell your ‘boss’ that he’s coming here for dinner tomorrow night, okay? Six o’clock, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

Pakkun gave him a doggy grin. “Sure will, Iruka-sensei. I think you’re good for him.” Then he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Iruka sighed, and set about sweeping the glass off his floor. Maybe he was good for Kakashi, but he wasn’t completely sure that the anti-social jōnin was good for him. He’d never been so confused in his life.

 

Kakashi was pacing back and forth in an agitated manner when Pakkun poofed back into his apartment. “So?” he growled.

Pakkun stretched his tongue up to lick his nose clean. It had been the best steak he’d had in a while. “He wants you to have dinner with him at six tomorrow.”

The silver haired man reached out and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck. “What did you say to him?”

“Nothing.” Pakkun squirmed.

“Then why does he even want to see me? He should be running for his life.”

“Maybe he’s just a nice guy?” the pug said hopefully. “The way he said it I’m pretty sure he’d be really mad if you didn’t show up.”

Kakashi slumped down onto the sofa, dropping the pug down on his knees. “I don’t understand, Pakkun.”

“Neither do I,” the dog said truthfully. “But I like him. You should keep him.”

“No, no.” Kakashi waved a hand in front of his face. “It’s better if I don’t go to dinner. That way I can’t hurt him accidentally.”

Pakkun bit him. “No you don’t. I will not take the blame for you not showing up. I told you, now you have to go. Six sharp.”

Kakashi sighed. “But what on earth shall I wear?”

 

Iruka opened the bathroom door and almost fainted. The smell of blood was incredibly strong, not to mention unexpected. He spied the problem almost immediately, and it made him want to faint again. _Kakashi’s ANBU armour._ He didn’t want to touch it, didn’t want to even go near it, but there was no way he could just leave it sitting there. He picked up the ceramic mask and studied the patterns on it. Just touching it made him nauseous, and without thinking he flung it against the wall as hard as he could. It bounced off, leaving a dent in the wall.

If it didn’t have such bad memories attached to it he would have thought it amazingly well crafted. Pushing all his feelings to the back of his mind he threw the armour piece by piece into the shower and turned on the tap. He’d expected the blood and dirt to just wash straight off but now he wondered just what exactly had given him that idea. The armour had been sitting there for quite a while now and the blood was hard and dry. It would have to be scrubbed off. Sighing, he rolled his sleeves up past his elbows and set to work.

 

Kakashi was bounding through the trees, his feet leaving dents in the branches as he landed. Like always, he was late for something. But this time he didn’t want to be.

He’d been going mad trying to imagine the reasons why Iruka had seen fit to invite him to dinner, so he’d picked up a simple B Class to give him something to distract him. Unfortunately the mission hadn’t been hard enough to take up all of his concentration so he’d ended up thinking about it anyway, and it had also taken him longer than expected.

He didn’t want to be late. He’d hate to hurt Iruka even more by not showing up, because the chūnin would probably think that meant he didn’t want to see him. But it was already 7:15 and he knew turning up now would mean he’d get yelled at, and he didn’t want to show up wearing his dirty uniform either.

He picked up the pace, and calculated that at this speed he’d be in the village in another twenty minutes.

 

Iruka rested his head in his hands and sighed heavily. It wasn’t like he’d expected the Copy-nin to be on time, but… he’d hoped. He’d hoped that maybe he meant something to Kakashi, enough that he’d want to show up on time for once. He looked at the now cold food on the table and wondered if he’d even show up at all. _Probably not,_ a scathing inner voice told him. _You are just a chūnin, after all. He has more important things to do with his time._

He stared at the food. He’d gone out of his way, even taking off time from work, to cook this meal for the lazy man who hadn’t even bothered to show up. It had taken him a long time; cooking wasn’t one of his talents, so he’d gone slowly to make sure everything in the recipe went right. He wasn’t hungry now, and Kakashi wouldn’t show, so all his effort had gone to waste.

In a fit of anger he scraped the untouched food off both of the plates into the bin. It would have made more sense to save it in little plastic containers for later, which is what he usually did, but he didn’t think he could stand looking at it in the fridge, let alone eating it. It would just remind him of how worthless he actually was, how very beneath the radar he was to a certain famous jōnin.

He didn’t know how he would deal with the man when he came - because he _would_ come, at least to get his ANBU armour back – and he really didn’t want to think about it. He knew how to take a hint, and Kakashi’s was very clear. It might hurt, but he could handle. After all, it wasn’t the first time in his life he’d been disappointed.

 

Kakashi arrived in his apartment wild-eyed and flustered. He glanced around uncertainly for a while before diving into the bathroom to have the quickest shower he’d ever taken. That dealt with he jumped back into his living-room-cum-bedroom-cum-kitchen and ran a kunai hastily over his thumb, dripping blood on the carpet as he waved his hand around, finally managing to complete the summon.

“Pakkun, Pakkun, Pakkun! What do I wear?”

The little dog cocked his head and stared at him. The Boss was raking fingers through his hair hastily, getting blood in it, and standing there in only a towel, dripping water all over the floor. _Wild_ was the only word he could think to describe it. He’d like to say he was surprised, but Boss tended to be a bit odd sometimes.

“Wear where? Don’t you always wear your uniform everywhere?”

“Iruka’s!”

Pakkun decided then that it was a good thing Boss wore the mask and hitae-ate all the time, because staring at that face while those mismatched eyes darted everywhere and the mouth twisted in weird ways was downright disturbing, not to mention very un-ninja like. “You’re late,” he said.

“I _know._ ”

It was interesting, he’d never seen Kakashi panic before. The rest of the pack would be jealous. “I thought you didn’t want to go.”

“I don’t.” Kakashi twisted his hands nervously. “But not going is worse than going.”

Pakkun grunted a laugh. “Yeah, Iruka-sensei would string you up by your balls. But he’ll probably do that anyway, ‘cause you’re late.”

Kakashi snarled, and made a half-hearted attempt to swipe at him. “Get out of here mutt, you’re not helping at all.”

“Just wear your damn uniform, he’s not going to care,” Pakkun said, before disappearing. He wasn’t stupid enough to stick around while Boss was in this state. Plus there was absolutely no chance of getting fed.

Kakashi flung open the closet and dumped the contents of all the bags in it on the floor. _There must be something in here…_

 

Iruka was getting annoyed. There was someone standing at his door, and they had been standing there for over ten minutes. He knew this because he could feel the person’s chakra spinning wildly. They’d been there for ten minutes, and they still hadn’t even knocked once.

He knew it was Kakashi, and it made his heart beat faster even though he specifically told it not to. The man was two hours late, for Kami’s sake. He shouldn’t let him in, even if he did knock. He’d probably get some lame excuse like ‘a little old lady was stuck in a tree and her cat asked me to help get her down again.’ But still he couldn’t help wanting to see him. Kakashi was addictive, in a way that no one had ever been before. He loved the smell of him, the taste of him, the sight of him, the feel of him. Even his voice could be incredibly sexy when he wanted it to be. He groaned aloud. That was _not_ what he needed to think about right now.

Kakashi was still standing there, and it was starting to make him antsy. He stood up and jerked open the door. “What?” he said harshly. “Why are you standing there?”

The Copy-nin looked up from where he had been scrutinising the dirt on the floor and Iruka could see the uncertainty in his eyes. Eyes plural, he realised. Kakashi wasn’t wearing his hitae-ate, or anything else to cover his sharingan eye. He briefly wondered why. “Pakkun said you wanted me to come to dinner?” His voice was quiet, and he sounded unsure.

“I did,” Iruka replied between gritted teeth, “At _6 o’clock._ ”

Kakashi actually flinched at that, and his hands were shaking. Iruka was starting to feel sorry for him, but he cut that thought off where it started. He was the one in the right here, not Kakashi. He had every right to be angry.

“I was on a mission,” he said quietly. “It took longer than expected.”

Iruka looked him up and down. He didn’t look like he’d just come from a mission. He was wearing a black turtleneck jumper with the collar pulled up over his nose, a pair of faded jeans and sneakers. His hair was wet and – was that blood? There was blood spread over his left hand too, now that he was looking. Iruka grabbed the injured hand in both of his, shocked. “What happened?”

The jōnin followed his gaze and rubbed the back of his head with his other hand, embarrassed. “It’s not as bad as it looks… it’s from a summon.”

Iruka watched the other hand scratched his head and figured he’d solved the mystery of how the blood got in his hair.   
“Why were you summoning your dogs?”

“Just Pakkun,” Kakashi said quickly, feeling his face heat up. “I, um, well,” he cursed the way that he found it almost impossible to make up plausible lies when this close to Iruka, “Can I come in?”

Iruka stepped back a little, only now realising he’d been questioning Kakashi while standing in the doorway. He felt a little ashamed. He was never this impolite with guests, even ones who were over two hours late. “Yes, but I want you to summon Pakkun again for me.”

Kakashi stepped cautiously through the doorway, looking as if he was ready to run. Iruka wished he’d worn his uniform, because in what he was wearing now he was perfectly delectable. “Can I ask why?”

“Sure.” Iruka stared into his eyes, and was pleased when the jōnin looked away first. “I think he’ll be able to explain things better than you can.”

Kakashi emitted a sound that could only be described as a whimper. “Please don’t? He’ll tease me forever.”

The chūnin truly felt sorry for him and his resolve was weakening, but he really needed to know the truth. “I’ll only ask a few questions.”

Kakashi gulped visibly but lifted his hand to his face, biting down and reopening the cut on his thumb. He performed the summon silently, and looked to the side when the pug appeared.

“Oi, Boss, what’s your problem, disrupting my sleep twice in one day,” Pakkun complained, before his gaze landed on Iruka. “Oh, so you actually had the balls to show up?”

Kakashi didn’t say anything, which Iruka thought was more telling than anything else had been. “Pakkun, what happened tonight? Why did he summon you the first time?”

He felt slightly out of place questioning the dog while his master stood beside him, but quashed down the feeling.

“Ah.” Pakkun scratched his ear with his hind leg, and glanced at Kakashi. “He wanted help deciding what to wear.”

“What – what to wear?” Iruka said faintly.

“You weren’t any help at all,” Kakashi growled at the pug, who just sat there looking smug.

“Hey, I know how to get a mate. You can’t pin the blame on me.”

“You look… very nice, Kakashi,” Iruka said quietly. “But perhaps you could wash your hands. And Pakkun, you can go   
now. Thank you.”

“You better not disturb me again tonight. I’m a tracking master, not a date advisor,” Pakkun grumbled at both of them before disappearing.

Kakashi stared at his hands. “I didn’t even notice,” he said dumbly.

“It’s okay,” Iruka said gently. He wondered briefly if anyone else got to see the Copy-nin like this. Probably not. “Just go clean that up, come back out and we’ll talk.”

When he didn’t move Iruka circled a hand loosely around his wrist and pulled him to the bathroom. “In there.”

“Okay.” Kakashi stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, breathing a sigh of relief. Iruka didn’t seem that mad, and that was a good sign, right? He was washing his hands when a glint of white under the sink caught his eye. Curious, he crouched down and pulled it out to see what it was.

The object in his hand was an ANBU issue arm guard. He turned it over and run his thumb along the side, confused. There was no way Iruka could be ANBU, because he was a chūnin. And he was fairly sure that he didn’t have a tattoo. Putting it down beside his foot he reached back in and pulled out the next object.

Rocking back on his heels he stared at the dog mask in his hands. It made sense now, but knowing it was his own uniform didn’t make him feel better. He remembered why his armour would be here, and it made him feel sick. _After I did that, why on earth would Iruka want to invite me to dinner?_ It was puzzling. His paranoia wanted him to believe it was a trap but he just couldn’t imagine that Iruka would do that.

He was awoken from his thoughts by a soft knock on the door. “Kakashi, are you alright?”

He stood up shakily. How could he be expected to face this man after what he’d done? The desire to transport himself back to his own apartment was stronger than anything he’d ever felt before, but he had the distinct feeling that disappearing would make the chūnin incredibly mad, and that sounded dangerous.

Iruka opened the door slowly, only to be greeted by a very pale Kakashi holding his ANBU mask out in front of him. “How can you – I don’t – Why am I here?” He was shaking, and one eye was leaking tears. He wiped an arm across his face and was shocked to realise it was his right eye crying.

Iruka looked at him, then at the mask, then back at him. He sighed. “Oh, come here.” He pulled the mask out of his hands and dropped it in the sink, wrapping his arms around the startled jōnin. 

“Why are you doing this?” Kakashi whispered.

Iruka pulled him tighter. “Because I like you, and I don’t want you to beat yourself up over this.”

“But I-”

“No,” the brunet said firmly. “It wasn’t you.”

“How can you say that? You know it was me.”

“No it wasn’t, not in essence. – Look, can we have this conversation somewhere else?” he released his hold on the other man and led him, unresisting, to the bedroom where he pushed him down on the bed.

“It was still me,” Kakashi said stubbornly.

Iruka leaned over him, getting right in his face. “Did you want to rape me?”

Kakashi shook his head and shivered. “But I-” He closed his eyes and dug deep down inside himself to find a centre of calm. Opening his eyes again he said, “The only reason he’s targeting you is because I like you. If I just stop-”

“No.” Iruka grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. “Are you stupid? Pretending to stop liking me isn’t going to work. You can’t fool yourself.”

The jōnin’s face was schooled into a blank mask. Iruka thought he’d never seen anything scarier. “I can’t stay with you. I’m hurting you.”

“Please…” He sank down so he was straddling the jōnin, wrapping his arms around his neck and bringing their faces close together. “I want you, and you deserve to have someone. Even if you ignore me he’s not going to, and then I’ll have all the bad parts and none of the good parts.”

Kakashi bent his neck so their foreheads were touching. “But I can’t do anything about Hound. I don’t think I could bear hurting you again.”

Iruka stared at him, determination hot in his eyes. “I’m a big boy. I can handle it. Just promise me you’ll come back to me afterwards.”

Kakashi gulped. “I’ll try,” he whispered, and that seemed to be enough.


	9. Chapter 9

“Just forget about it for now. If I can forget about it, so can you.”

Tanned hands smoothed the frown lines from his forehead and stroked down the side of his face, slowly peeling down the neck of his jersey until his face was fully uncovered. Soft lips met his and he closed his eyes, submitting completely to the sensation. 

He opened his eyes again when he felt his shirt being lifted. Iruka watched him for any sign of discomfort but he gave no reaction except to watch expectantly, so he continued pulling the shirt over his head and off. He shivered as hands ran up and down his pale torso.

“Sakura said you bought me a kimono.” Iruka’s voice was right by his ear, husky and low. A tongue slipped out and licked the shell of his ear. “You didn’t bring it with you, did you?”

“N-no.” Kakashi squirmed, trying to regain control of his treacherous body. He really shouldn’t be doing this. “I thought you’d take it as a – ah – bribe or something. I couldn’t give it to you after – argh.”

He gave up speaking as a tanned hand wriggled into his pants and started stroking him. “’Ruka. Why are you doing this?”  
The chūnin didn’t answer, but removed his hand in favour of taking his own shirt off. Now bare-chested he pushed his body up against the older man, kissing his right eye then his left, trailing down the scar to his lips and capturing those as well.

“You shouldn’t be trusting me like this.” Against his will he arched into the touch, wanting, needing more.

Iruka bit his lip, drawing blood, and the jōnin yelped. “I told you not to think about that.” He then licked it gently. “I’m sorry, but you and him are not the same. You don’t even remember what happened, do you?”

Kakashi shook his head mutely, finding it hard to concentrate on the words with the chūnin’s hands down his pants squeezing and stroking a certain body part that was getting harder by the minute.

“Good,” Iruka purred, pushing him back into the pillows so he was lying on the bed with the chūnin on top of him. “Because I want you.”

“I,” Kakashi started to say, but Iruka cut him off with a bruising kiss.

“You don’t speak.”

Kakashi obeyed simply because he’d lost the will to fight his libido, kissing back gently. Iruka was sliding his pants down his hips, kissing down his chest and over his thighs.

“So demanding,” Kakashi breathed and Iruka’s head shot up.

“I’m sorry. I’ll stop.” He was blushing and used all his strength to roll them over so the jōnin was on top, where he belonged. _What was I thinking? I can’t dominate the Copy-nin._ He almost laughed at the absurdity of it.

“Maa, what are you doing?” Kakashi rolled them back so Iruka was on top. “I think you’re damn sexy like that.”

Iruka blushed harder and buried his face in the jōnin’s chest. “I…”

“You’re adorable.” Kakashi kissed his shoulder while working his hands downward, unbuttoning. “Keep going.”

Iruka stood and shimmied out of his pants, head bowed forward so his hair covered his face.

“Those too.” Kakashi pointed to his underwear.

The chūnin obliged and stood there naked, hair still a dark curtain masking his expression. Kakashi stopped breathing for a few seconds. The younger man was beautiful, skin highlighted in strips by the moonlight. He glowed, and it almost seemed as if he was an illusion.

Kakashi kicked his own pants off, and fisted his cock. “Mmm, beautiful ’Ruka.”

Iruka gasped and lifted his head, pushing his hair behind one ear. The Copy-nin was jerking off… to him? And gods was that a hot sight. It made his heart pound and his cock ache. The tomoe in Kakashi’s sharingan eye were spinning slowly, and he found it kind of eerie. He clambered back onto the bed and knelt overtop the jōnin, knees to the outside of his thighs. He placed a hand over the red eye curiously. “What’s that?”

‘Ano,” Kakashi had the decency to blush lightly, “It’s recording you. So I can watch you later.” _In case you never want to see me again after this._

“Oh.” Iruka removed his hand. Knowing he was being recorded made him feel incredibly shy, but it also sparked a little bit of excitement in him. “Do you always do this? With all your partners, I mean? I’ve never noticed it before.”

“Well, the sharingan records everything it sees, I can’t actually stop it. Though I usually have it covered or closed, during sex. You’re special.” _Obviously, if even Hound’s interested in you._

“Are you going to record, uh, this? Us together?”

“If you’ll let me.” Kakashi held his breath.

Iruka smiled shyly and scratched his nose, his face dusting a light pink. “If you want to. I’m not that good though.” He slid down so he was lying flat on Kakashi, erections pressing together and his head resting on the flat pale chest.

Kakashi curled an arm around his back lazily. “You’re right, you’re not ‘that good,’ you’re perfect.”

Iruka bit him lightly to hide his embarrassment. “And that was incredibly cheesy.”

Kakashi laughed, and Iruka thought it was the best sound he’d ever heard. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard the jōnin laugh. “But it’s true,” he mumbled. _Kami, you’re too perfect for me._

“Hmm.” Iruka wiggled a bit, creating a tantalising friction on his crotch. He wiggled again, sucking gently on his lover’s neck while his hand snaked down in between them to grab both of their arousals.

Kakashi arched into his touch, moaning. “Gods ‘Ru, that feels nice.” He ran his hands up and down his chūnin’s back, wishing he could capture the smooth, warm feel of the skin beneath his fingers with the sharingan.

Iruka felt hands on his lower back and added one of his own to urge them further down. He was aching to be filled, to get as close as humanly possible to his partner and find release.

“No.”

“No?” _That couldn’t mean… Hatake Kakashi, open pervert of Konoha, was refusing to have sex with him?_ He pouted. “You don’t want to fuck me?”

Kakashi closed his eyes. He needed confidence for this. “No. I want _you_ to fuck _me.” There is no way I’m taking you again after what I’ve done._

Iruka froze. “Wh-what?”

He couldn’t say it again. He was too nervous as it was. Only the constant pressure of his chūnin’s warm cock against his was keeping him hard. He enclosed a tan hand in his and moved it slowly down between his legs, pushing fingers that weren’t his against his entrance. Iruka’s eyes were wide and fearful. He was afraid for a second until he realised that it was not fear of him, but fear of hurting him in his lover’s eyes.

“I don’t think I can do this,” Iruka whispered.

Kakashi just smiled and pushed the chūnin’s fingers past the first ring of muscle. It hurt, but he was well trained in hiding pain. Iruka snatched his hand away, horrified. “You can’t do that!”

“Then show me how to do it.” Kakashi fished a tube of lube out of the bedside cabinet and pushed it into his palms. He leaned forward and breathed into the chūnin’s ear, “I want you inside me, ‘Ru,” earning himself a delightful full body shiver.

He tensed instinctively as the first lubed finger slipped inside him. “Relax,” Iruka whispered, kissing and licking up his neck and back down to his nipples in an attempt to put him at ease. It didn’t hurt, per say, but it was mildly uncomfortable and he wasn’t sure if he liked it. Iruka smiled shyly at him, and set his other hand to work alternatively stroking and licking his arousal.

He was concentrating hard on capturing that image – Iruka’s hair splayed out over his chest, his tongue licking rapidly at the head of his cock and his smouldering brown eyes staring at him hungrily – and cementing it for future viewing in the sharingan’s memory. For that reason he didn’t feel the second finger, even when they started moving apart and stretching him. 

He felt the third, but the uncomfortable pain was dulled to unnoticeable when Iruka crooked his fingers to tickle his prostate. His hips jerked upwards automatically and a low moan escaped from the back of his throat.

“Oh wow,” Iruka breathed, mesmerised by the way his body twisted and his face contorted in pleasure. “Do I look like that when you do this to me?”

“You look – incredibly - sexy when I - do it - to you,” Kakashi said between gasps. Iruka crooked his fingers again and the jōnin saw stars. “Fuck, ‘Ru, that feels so good. Why did I never try this before?”

The fingers stilled. “You’ve… never done this before?”

Kakashi moved his hips a little, trying to keep the delicious friction going. “Does it matter?”

Iruka pulled his fingers out, frowning, causing the jōnin to whimper. He felt suddenly and inexplicably empty. “Kakashi, why are you letting me do this?” 

“Please, ‘Ru.” The jōnin squirmed underneath him. “I promise to talk later. Can you just fuck me now? Please?”

Iruka was renown for his high patience levels from dealing with kids day in and day out, but never before had he been placed in a situation where the Copy-nin, the man of his dreams, was writhing beneath him, begging to be fucked by him. Not even he had the level of patience to say, _oh, that can wait. I’ll just finish interrogating you first._

So he did the only thing he could do. He slicked up his cock and inched it inside his partner. Kakashi hissed at the sudden intrusion. It was much larger that a couple of fingers, and his body didn’t like it. Iruka forced himself to pause. He’d forgotten how good it felt to be buried inside another man. “Did I hurt you?” he asked worriedly.

Kakashi shook his head and forced himself to loosen his hold on the chūnin, realising he’d been making little half moon marks in the tanned skin with his fingernails. “It just feels a little uncomfortable.”

Iruka kissed his eyelids, his nose, his lips. “That’ll go away soon. You’re just so tight you need a little while to get used to it.” _So, so tight. And so hot._ He pushed in a little further, until he was buried to the hilt. It took all of his concentration not to move. The pressure on his cock felt incredible, and he knew friction could make it feel even better. Kakashi looked stunned, so Iruka bent down and nibbled his bottom lip gently. “You ‘kay?”

Kakashi nodded. It felt weird, to be stretched out so wide, and he still wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. It wasn’t a bad feeling, and he felt kind of happy about the fact that Iruka was inside him. He was finally giving and not taking. Then Iruka moved, and it felt wonderful. He was hot and wet and it just felt so _right._ He moaned. Iruka was moving carefully and each slow thrust brushed against sensitive nerve endings in a tantalising manner, sending a tingling feeling shooting along his veins.

He scooted backwards so he was leaning against the headboard of the bed, holding himself up on his elbows so the chūnin wouldn’t slide out. Iruka glanced at him curiously, but placed the pillows under his bottom so he could stay more comfortably in that position without comment. Kakashi pushed against him, gasping as the movement drove Iruka’s throbbing cock further inside him. “It’s so I can see you moving inside me,” he explained.

Propped up against the headboard he had the perfect view of where their bodies met, and the chūnin had a better angle to hit his prostate. Iruka was staring at him, frozen, and he was beautiful. His lips were slightly swollen – Kakashi might have bitten him at one point, he couldn’t remember – and his hair was a mess, haloing wildly around his flushed face.  
“You should move, and faster,” the jōnin suggested with another tilt of his hips. He prayed that Iruka wouldn’t make him beg, like he often did when the tables were turned, because he didn’t want to be reduced to that and he knew he would do it, if he had to. He’d beg this chūnin on his hands and knees and promise him anything, if only he’d move. It shocked him that he’d feel that way. If anyone had refused him anything sexually before, well, there was always someone else who was willing. People tended to be proud to have the Copy-nin as a notch on their bedpost, even if he had hurt them.   
He felt a surge of warmth as he realised that he would never be just a perverted collectors item to Iruka.

He also felt a wave of relief and something else as Iruka started rocking his hips again, faster this time, and he raised his own to meet the thrusts. _It’s an amazing view from up here,_ he congratulated himself again on changing position. From here he could watch the sweat slicked chūnin’s muscles tense and strain as he snapped his hips back and forth, watch his thick, dark cock as it slid nearly all the way out then slam back into his body at slightly different angles and oh gods, what the fuck was that? He cried out, unable to stop himself.

“Did I find it?” Iruka snickered and licked a long line up his neck, tasting sweat on the freshly cleaned skin.

“Keep doing that,” Kakashi gasped. And fuck reputation, yes he would beg if Iruka asked him to, anything to continue feeling like that.

“You’re going to come soon.” Iruka’s tongue was flicking like a lizard’s over and around his collarbone, up his neck and over his chin, tasting skin sensitive from years of concealment. He continued thrusting at the same angle obligingly, and slid a hand down to pump the jōnin’s own neglected member.

Kakashi was in heaven and hell at the same time. His body felt like it was on fire, his nerve endings frazzled with pleasure. It felt so good he wanted it to last forever and yet he knew he couldn’t handle it for much longer. He needed release and he was so damn close. Iruka was hot and heavy all over him, their sweat mingling together and making their bodies slide wetly against each other. The brunet leaned closer and _moaned_ into his ear, thrusting in a fast and erratic pattern, the jerky movement of his hand on his cock desperate and pressed tight between his chest and the chūnin’s. 

“Oh gods, ‘Kashi, you’re so tight and wet and _fuck_ I want to come inside you.”

He came, spurting hot liquid over the younger man’s hand and their already sticky chests, clamping his muscles down on the cock inside him. Iruka gripped his sides tightly as he came too, jerking sporadically and breathing hard. Spent, he flopped down on his partner’s sweaty and sticky chest, panting.

They lay in a companionable silence for a while, basking in the warm afterglow, Iruka lazily watching the patterns his hair made as it stuck in sweaty clumps to the jōnin’s pale skin. Kakashi spoke first, the semen on his chest having cooled down and starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable. “I’m glad you don’t talk dirty like that all the time ‘Ru.”

The chūnin blushed and Kakashi noted with interest that the red tint stretched to about halfway down his chest. “Wasn’t I any good? I wasn’t actually thinking, I just felt like I had to say it.”

Kakashi ran a hand lazily down his back. “Maa, it’s not that. It’s more that if you did that too much I’d come way too fast, and that would just be embarrassing. You’re damn sexy when you talk like that.”

Iruka hid his face. “I’m not.”

“Whatever you say.” Kakashi trailed pale fingers over the curve of his butt and down the back of his thigh. “I don’t know why I’ve never tried that before. It feels… amazing. Why have you been hiding that from me?”

“Hiding? How was I hiding anything from you? I never even thought about topping you, you’re so much stronger than me. I didn’t think you’d want me to.” Iruka smiled bashfully, with eyes like liquid chocolate. “I’m glad you liked it though. I didn’t know if I’d be good enough. But, can you tell me why you asked for it now?”

Kakashi wanted to hide from that smile. “I wanted you to have all the control. Because when Hound,” he tried to find a softer word than ‘raped’, “Messed with you, you had no control. I wanted you to be able to stop or walk away if you felt you needed to.”

He watched for a reaction to the word ‘Hound’ but Iruka didn’t budge, just twisted his fingers into fluffy silver hair. “That’s nice of you ‘Kashi. But I didn’t want to run away from you. I trust you.” His words were slow and slurring and his eyelids heavy. Kakashi felt his heart jump a little at the ‘trust’ bit. He knew he didn’t deserve any of Iruka’s trust, but he’d hold it close to his chest anyway. It was precious to him, even if it was stolen.

 

Kakashi was back at the monument, staring at the familiar stone without seeing it. He’d worry about people thinking he was losing it, talking to a slab of marble, but shinobi all knew loss and gave each other the space to deal with it in their own ways. And the general consensus seemed to be that he was crazy anyway. A crazy pervert.

“Do you laugh at me?” he wondered aloud. “Coming here to talk to you when you never liked me, when you’ll never answer me anyway. Coming here because I don’t have anyone alive to talk to.” He smiled wryly. “Bet you think I’m pathetic. Obito, Rin, Minato-sensei, Sandaime… Father.

“I still don’t know what to do with him. I don’t understand why he just accepts that I hurt him, and wants me to forget about it. No one ever really trusted me before yet for some reason he does, and I’ve given him more than enough reasons to withdraw that trust. Yet he doesn’t. Why not?”

He sighed, and scuffed at the dirt a bit with his foot. “It doesn’t help that he makes me feel good,” he added quietly. “I don’t want to let him go.”

He and the monument shared a companionable silence for a time, until it started getting dark and he decided it might be time to leave. He reached for his latest Icha Icha and was surprised when he didn’t find it in his usual pocket. He tried to remember when he’d seen it last and realised that he hadn’t actually read it at all in the last week. He’d been too busy thinking about Iruka. He semi-smiled at that. Thanks to the sharingan he’d no longer need Icha Icha for its masturbation value. He knew if he did use those images to gratify himself he’d feel incredibly guilty afterwards, but he didn’t think he’d be able to stop himself if he felt the need. Besides, Iruka had given him permission knowing what it would mean, it wasn’t as if he’d stolen them from him. And when the chūnin finally realised he was more trouble than he was worth he’d at least have something to hold on to.

An image came unbidden into his head of a naked Iruka splayed wantonly out on his bed, pleasuring himself. It made a nice picture, and Kakashi noted to himself that if he went back to the chūnin he’d have to try convincing the younger man to let him watch him touch himself. It was incredibly arousing, although he doubted the chūnin would be like this if he knew he had an audience. The dream brunet tipped his head back and moaned the jōnin’s name as he came all over himself.

 _That was incredibly real for a waking dream,_ Kakashi thought. There was something off about it. He thought back over what his mind had just shown him. _I was watching through the window,_ he realised. _If that was a normal fantasy I would have been participating, or at least in the room watching. And it felt more like a sharingan memory than any fantasy, but I know I’ve never seen that before._

His blood froze in his veins and he shivered despite the warm summer air. _Because it’s not my memory. It’s Hound’s. Hound was watching…_ He didn’t even want to think about it. However the memory made up his mind for him. He’d keep away from Iruka as much as he could, because even the smallest amount of contact and he wouldn’t be able to keep himself away.

 

Raido could feel the familiar chakra inside the house swirling and weaving in an uneven, uncontrolled pattern. It felt like a ton of bricks to his solar plexus. The man inside was upset because of his selfish actions, and he might have awoken the very monster he sought to destroy. With a heavy heart he slid through the nearest window, dispelling the trap on it with a small pulse of chakra.

He found Genma huddled on the end of their bed wearing only his underwear, knees drawn to his chest like a small, frightened child. “Gen?” he called softly.

Genma looked up, and he seemed scarily younger without his backwards bandanna-style hitae-ate and trademark senbon. “It doesn’t help,” he whispered, unfurling his arms and legs slowly and holding them out for Raidō to inspect. “I’m trying, but it’s not the same.”

Raidō crept closer. From afar you wouldn’t be able to tell anything was wrong, but experience told him what to expect. Small, barely noticeable holes evenly spaced in tracks down both legs, from the top of his thighs to his knees. Bruising speared out from the main concentration of puncture marks. “Oh, Gen. You didn’t poison them, did you?” He eyed the only visible senbon he could see, on top of the dresser.

The long-haired jōnin shook his head, and Raidō noticed his bottom lip was crusted in blood. On closer investigation it seemed a senbon had pierced straight through it, which drew further attention to the fact that there was no long needle resting between those lips at the moment. “Rai.” His voice was small, his eyes huge. “Fuck me.”

Raidō reached out blindly, wanting to hold and comfort the younger man, but Genma flinched away. “Don’t. I don’t want you to make love to me, I want you to fuck me.” Honey brown eyes raked over the older jōnin, drinking in the blood on his vest and the shake in his hands, the determined set to his stance. “I know you can do it. You’re feeling wired, take it out on me. I’ll love you for it.” Genma sidled up the bed, throwing his head back to expose his tender neck and spreading his arms and legs in open submission.

It hurt, knowing that this was what he called ‘love.’ It hurt, but he’d known it for a long time, known it as long as he’d known Genma, since before they’d first slept together, since before their first bruising kiss. It came with the territory, and he’d walked into this aware. Unhappy, but aware.

With a heavy heart Raidō dropped his defences; his common sense, his self-control, his love. And then he pounced, teeth barred, on the man on the bed.


	10. Chapter 10

Genma lay motionless on the bed with his eyes closed, allowing Raidō to cover his naked body with salve. Raidō worked quickly and efficiently, smearing over trenches dug by scratching nails and pale skin broken by snapping teeth. It was routine, or at least it had been in the past. When Raidō hurt Genma he was allowed to patch him back up again the best he could without challenge and then the younger nin would allow himself to be cuddled. These were the unspoken rules.  
If Raidō’s hands were shaking, Genma didn’t comment. If his touch was sometimes more like a gentle lover’s than a disinterested medic nin’s Genma pretended not to notice. After all, it had been a long time since they had needed to do this.

Raidō finished cataloguing the damage he’d done. It wasn’t a lot, for them, and probably wouldn’t be enough to satisfy Genma’s thirst for blood. But the fact that the younger man was asking for this at all was the main damage, and Raidō knew that he had caused it, by asking him to go to Kakashi.

 _Kakashi._ The scarred jōnin held a grudging respect for the infamous Copy-nin, because no matter what he was as a man as a weapon for the village he was unrivalled. But as a person Raidō was inclined to avoid him or any affiliation to him because of what he had done to Genma. He wouldn’t lie to himself and say that Genma hadn’t known what he was getting into; he had, and he’d even instigated it. But he still didn’t feel at ease around someone who he knew got off on others’ pain. Genma’s case hadn’t really given him enough reason to hate the Copy-nin but he could certainly do it for Iruka. He didn’t even want to think about what that silver-haired pervert was doing to poor, innocent schoolteacher Iruka.

He stopped thinking about Kakashi abruptly because it was making his blood boil and that would quickly evolve into out-of-control chakra, which would upset his partner unnecessarily. Placing the salve on the dresser he slipped under the sheets, pulling Genma with him and curling his body protectively around the younger man. He did it as much for himself as he did for Genma. The special jōnin may refuse to admit it but he had a tenancy to be clingy after these bouts of insecurity.

“I didn’t do it, you know.” That was new. Genma never spoke first.

“Do what?”

“Kakashi. I asked him, and he said no.”

Relief flooded through Raidō’s veins, for purely selfish reasons. He didn’t want to be compared to the king of sexually inflicted pain and found wanting, as strange as it may seem. He didn’t enjoy hurting Genma but he also didn’t enjoy it when the masochistic nin went elsewhere to satisfy his cravings, although even after those discrepancies he had always come back contrite for his salve and cuddles.

“Iruka?” He felt a sudden stab of guilt for not having thought of the teacher first.

“Yep.” Genma’s voice was flat and toneless. _He got what I wanted,_ went unsaid between them. “Kakashi picked up a three week mission, so it looks like he’s trying to escape himself.” He laughed bitterly. “Iruka really likes him, you know? He’s going to be either spitting mad or heartbroken when he finds out, because I’m pretty sure that jerk didn’t tell him he was leaving.”

Raidō breathed in the sweet smell of peaches from the back of his lover’s neck, and tightened his hold on the younger man. He was suddenly inexplicably afraid that life as he knew it was going to collapse. Funny, cynical Genma was going back to the hurting, angry Genma of his teenage years. And if that happened he would also be going back to a certain silver haired shinobi who would give him his drug of choice freely. He didn’t even want to think about the repercussions that would have on the sanest, most level-headed and righteous ninja in the village. He had the feeling Iruka would sink much faster and further than he would.

 

Iruka hummed quietly as he sorted the jumble of papers on his desk, unable to hide his face-splitting smile. Things weren’t perfect, he knew that, he wasn’t stupid, but they were definitely looking better. He enjoyed figuring out how people worked and how to put them back together when they broke. As such he had originally looked at Kakashi as a kind of lost cause whom he could fix, much as he had done Naruto. Unfortunately Kakashi would not be placated with ramen and had much deeper-seated problems than the enigmatic blond, most of which he was not willing to share. Not even with a lover.

He couldn’t help but feel that last night had been some sort of breakthrough. The jōnin had trusted him to top him (he blushed at the memory, recalling he had said yes when Kakashi had asked if he could record it) and seemed to enjoy it, afterwards speaking easily and unguardedly with him. This was a big step because while most shinobi were slow to trust others Kakashi took that lack of trust beyond the normal into the ranges of extreme paranoia. Just knowing that Kakashi trusted him made him slightly giddy, like a lovesick teenager. 

He picked up the stack of papers he needed to mark tonight and slotted them in his bag to take home, filing what was left on the desk into his top drawer. He was thinking about whether or not he would see Kakashi again tonight. His heart pounded in excitement at the prospect of seeing him again, and he chided himself gently. _You’re supposed to be a man, dammit, not a starstruck schoolgirl!_ A silly grin broke across his face. _The only man to ever top the Copy-nin._ Nobody would believe him, if he told them. He chuckled quietly to himself.

Of course, it wasn’t just the sex that he looked forward to. He loved the other man’s company, his perverted jokes and his powerful presence. And he was jealous of the village of Konoha for taking him away on long missions all the time. Academy teachers needed a little bit of loving time too.

He slipped out of his classroom and strode confidently down the hall, still humming. Feeling disturbed chakra, he paused in front of an open classroom door and peered in.

Raidō was slumped over the teacher’s desk, head in his hands. Iruka frowned. “Hey Rai, you okay?” It was a pretty stupid question to ask, both because it was obvious he was not and that the standard shinobi answer would be to deny it. It scared him a little to see the older man like this. Raidō was always in control, the one who put things back together when everyone else broke. If Iruka had ever thought about it more he would have realised that he and Raidō were not so different.

Raidō’s eyes were unhappy and apologetic when he looked up. “Iruka,” he said brokenly.

Iruka walked into the room and pulled up a seat near the jōnin, sitting on it and leaning forward with his chin propped on his hands. “I wanted to thank you for talking to Genma-san about Kakashi,” he said. “He really explained a lot.”

Raidō shuddered visibly. “I think I’ve fucked things up,” he whispered.

The chūnin frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I told Genma to have sex with Kakashi,” the scarred ninja said blankly.

Iruka stared at the dusty floorboards beneath his feet. “He told me that, but I guess I didn’t really believe him. Why did you do it?”

If Raidō was surprised by the lack of emotion in Iruka’s response he didn’t show it. “I’ve been trying to figure that out myself. I guess I just wanted to save you from more pain, and like the coward I am I used my boyfriend to do it.” He paused, frowning. “But that’s probably not all of it. Gen’s been kind of tense lately, for a long time actually, and I’d hoped Hatake would be able to cater to his needs the way I can’t. It was supposed to be like two birds with one stone. Gen gets what he wants, and you don’t get what you don’t want.” He sighed. “Unfortunately it didn’t work like that.”

“I appreciate it, but don’t bother trying to protect me again. I don’t need it. What happened to make you like this? I can’t imagine it’s what happened to me.” 

“Gen’s flipping out,” Raidō said shortly. He trusted Iruka enough, but he wasn’t about to spill his partner’s secrets to anyone.

Iruka bowed his head. “Genma-san told me about his… unique desires. Is it something to do with propositioning Kakashi?”

Raidō stared at him in surprise. Genma hadn’t spent much time with the chūnin before, they weren’t even friends, and he had told him about that? He knew Iruka’s whole disposition just screamed that he was trustworthy, but still. Unless Kakashi had told him, but that was even less unlikely and besides, he didn’t think the younger man would lie about that.  
“Yes, his… desires. I should never have told him to go to Hatake. Now because he got turned down he thinks he’s undesirable, and because I told him to do it he doubts how much I want him, and because he got a taste of what he used to have he’s started wanting it again.”

“How can he think he’s undesirable? Genma-san is possibly the sexiest person alive,” Iruka blurted, then realising what he’d said and who he’d said it to he blushed profusely and scratched at his scar.

Raidō raised his eyebrows and smiled despite himself. “What about Kakashi?”

“Well, Kakashi is – Genma-san just naturally, uh, exudes sexiness. It’s the way he walks and talks and acts or something.” Iruka didn’t think he could get any more embarrassed. “’Kashi’s only sexy when he tries to be. Genma-san, he just is.”

The older man was surprised to realise he was starting to feel better, albeit at the expense of the young teacher’s embarrassment. He had a point. Genma did walk with a fluid grace that made peoples heads turn, and tended to talk in a low sultry tone just to amuse himself. Not to mention the way he used his tongue to play with his senbon. And Kakashi went out of his way to make people perceive him as lazy and perverted. “You’re right,” he concluded, “Genma is sexy.”  
He remembered a time when he’d hated how sexy Genma was, when his face was freshly scarred and he was feeling fragile and Genma was too beautiful, and suddenly unobtainable. The special jōnin had flirted with anyone and everyone then, oblivious to the effect his easygoing nature had on Raidō.

Finally he’d snapped, and yelled at him, _“Why are you still here with me? You could have anyone, someone beautiful! Get the fuck out.”_

He must have touched his face, along his scars, because Genma had stared at him with a new, unreadable expression. _“I don’t give a fuck what you look like, Rai. You’re still the same, and you’re still my best friend.”_ And then he’d kissed him hard, on the lips. The flirting had toned down a lot after that.

Raidō looked at Iruka, really looked, decided that he was cute and wondered what people saw when they stared at him. Genma was sexy, Iruka was cute, Kakashi was mysterious and he was what, scarred? “I don’t know what he sees in me,” he said, and regretted it instantly. He hadn’t meant to bring the chūnin in on his self-pitying trip.

“You’re strong,” Iruka said quietly. “Genma-san needs someone he can trust to look after him and protect him without seeming to do so, because he is a shinobi and he is proud. That’s the reason you’re breaking down here, and not at your apartment. He wouldn’t be able to handle you breaking because you’re always the one who fixes him.” He fixed his big brown eyes on the older man. “Am I right?”

Raidō just stared at him and wondered when he’d got so perceptive.

“If it helps any, I’m not sure what Kakashi sees in me either.” He gave a small smile.

“Do you know how hard it is to see the person you love weak and pretty much shattered, begging you to hurt them?” Raidō asked suddenly. Iruka’s eyes went wide. “How much it hurts when you do hurt them, because you know that’s what they want, and then you have to live with the fact that you’re the reason they’re limping, the reason they can’t take off their shirt because it hurts too much to lift their hands above their heads.”

Iruka shook his head. “I can’t – I could never do that.”

Raidō clenched his fists. “I hate myself because I _can._ ”

 

When he ran into Genma on his way home he ran his eyes over the older man, searching for signs he’d been hurt. He seemed fine, just a little tired.

“Hello, Genma-san,” he said with a bright smile.

Genma seemed to genuinely smile back at him. “Iruka-sensei,” he nodded. “How are things going with Kakashi?”  
Iruka couldn’t stop the stupid grin that spread across his face. “He’s starting to open up, I think. I’m hoping to see him tonight.”

Genma frowned, his own heart breaking for the happy chūnin. He’d kill that silver-haired idiot the next time he saw him. He was starting to get attached to Iruka, and couldn’t understand how anyone could hurt someone so adorable so blatantly like that. “I don’t think you’re going to see him.”

Iruka’s face fell. “Why not?” 

“I saw him in the mission room this morning, and he took a three week job.”

“Three weeks,” Iruka repeated, feeling his good mood evaporate. His face clouded over. “Thank you for telling me this, Genma-san. I have to go now.”

Genma watched him go and wondered why on earth this by all appearances intelligent man still wanted to pursue a relationship with the emotionally stunted Copy-nin. He shook his head. People were _weird._

 

Kakashi held in a sigh as they stopped for yet another break. He wondered again why he had taken this job. He’d wanted the longest time away possible so he didn’t have to deal with Iruka and the bundle of emotions that went with him so he’d just taken the first one available without checking what it was.

“Kakashi-kun,” a voice cooed and his shoulders stiffened in annoyance. 

“Yes, Kimiko-hime?” he said with as much detachment as he could muster.

“Being a ninja is totally cool. I mean, like, you must be super strong and stuff, right?” The girl was suddenly right next to him, and he would have been proud of her speed had she been one of his students. She batted her overly long eyelashes, twirled her long blonde hair around a finger and pushed her breasts together right under his nose.

Too bad he wasn’t interested in sixteen year olds. 

“I bet you’re really handsome under that mask.” She tapped a finger with a ridiculously long nail on his nose. He used every ounce of self-control he had not to flinch. _Iruka thinks that,_ he thought with a pang.

“I don’t take the mask off for anyone,” he said flatly. _Except sexy little chūnin teachers._ “Please don’t touch my face, Kimiko-hime.”

She pouted playfully, and his mind generously overlaid her face with Iruka’s. It was a lot cuter, but it also made his heart hurt.

“I think we need to get moving soon,” he said, shaking his head to get rid of his Iruka vision. “Groups like this are a favourite target for Missing-nin.”

“Oooh, that sounds dangerous!” The princess’s eyes lit up. “If we were attacked I would be saved by the brave and dashing Kakashi-kun, isn’t that right?”

“It is my job,” he said tonelessly, and she swooned. “You need to get back in the cart, Kimiko-hime.”

He was here to escort the princess back to her city safely. She’d been to Konoha for the sole reason of getting her hair cut and styled and her nails painted. He still couldn’t figure out why a ninja village would be the best place to do these things, but apparently ‘the like, most famous salon ever’ was in the civilian section of the Leaf.

And he now remembered why he never took escort missions. Because he had to be polite to snotty rich people, was never allowed to read his Icha Icha, and he had all the time in the world to think. About Iruka. Every time that Kimiko brat called him Kakashi-kun in her sing-song voice it made him want to slice his own ears off. Unfortunately he valued his job, and deaf ninja weren’t all that popular.

“Kakashi-kun! Stay close to the cart, I want to talk to you.”

“I have to stay where I am in the best position to defend should you be attacked, Princess,” he said in even tones. 

“Aww.” He saw her out again from the corner of his eye. “You must have a pretty little girlfriend at home, to be able to refuse my womanly charms.” She adjusted her top so her breasts were very nearly falling out, and sent him an exaggerated wink. “She doesn’t have to know. What happens on the mission stays on the mission, ne?”

He wanted to gag. _Twenty more days of this._ He started listing all the jutsu he knew in his head, in backwards-alphabetical order.

 

Iruka didn’t collapse until he reached his bed and saw the neatly folded kimono on it. There was a note on top of it with about ten lines scribbled out, finally reading in childish handwriting at the bottom, _I had to go. –K._

He held the note up to the light and squinted at the scribble. Most of it was pretty blacked out, but he could see _sorry, not good enough,_ and _hurt you._ He wanted to cry. For a genius that man was stupid, stupid, stupid.

He wished he had someone to talk to. For the first time in a long while he cursed being friendly with everyone but not having friends. He’d thought Kakashi could fill that hole, but obviously he didn’t know how. Raidō was the closest to a friend he had at the moment, and he didn’t need anyone else’s problems to add to his own, especially not his. Kotetsu and Izumo were too wrapped up in each other to notice him much anymore, but he couldn’t blame them for finally seeing how deep their friendship went. He had been telling them that for years, after all. Sandaime had been the last person who he’d really talked to, and he missed that sorely. The Third had always had time in his busy schedule to look after a scared and lonely orphan, and later on a self-doubting teacher.

He sat cross-legged on the bed, dry-eyed, running his fingers over the kimono. It was beautiful, something like what he would have picked for himself had he the money, but he couldn’t think about that right now. How could he have a relationship with Kakashi when the damn man kept changing his mind all the time?

 

“’Kashi-kun, you don’t eat at _all,_ ” Kimiko whined, pressing her boobs against his chest.

“I have ration bars.” _And you only want me to eat because you think then you’ll see my face._

He hated the way she shortened his name, it reminded him too much of a certain dark-haired chūnin he’d rather not think about. Of course, when Iruka shortened his name it was usually because he was breathless and out of his mind in ecstasy. But he really shouldn’t think about that.

“Bleh.” She screwed up her face. “Those twigs look gross. You should share our food.” She gestured to where the four muscular guys who carried her cart were sitting around a fire. Whatever they were eating did smell good, and he was pretty sick of ration bars, but he really didn’t want any of their company. He’d prefer to be alone in his misery, thank you.

“I have to keep lookout here,” he said.

“No!” she shouted, stamping her foot like the insolent child she was. “I’m the client, and you have to listen to me.”

Kakashi weighed up his options. Stay here in the cold eating ration bars, listening to her whine, or get good food and warmth and listen to her whine. Not a hard choice when he put it that way. They’d been on the road for nearly two weeks already and hadn’t seen any sign of trouble. He could keep watch while eating, no sweat. “Okay.”

Kimiko stared at him, mouth open. She had obviously been expecting another protest. Quickly her expression melted into a grin. She grabbed his arm to lead him over to the campfire, ushering him to sit down and then sitting nearly on top of him, face tilted up to gaze into his eyes adoringly.

One of the muscle men handed him a bowl, and he nodded in thanks. It did smell pretty good, whatever it was. It looked like some sort of soup. He didn’t really care at this point.

“So, ‘Kashi-kun, are you, like, a famous ninja?”

“Yes,” he said and watched without amusement as her eyes grew as big as saucers.

“Really? My ‘Kashi-kun is a big famous ninja?” She made him sound like a teddy bear, and the ‘my’ was just a little too much. _Only Iruka can call me that,_ he thought angrily, then almost kicked himself. Iruka wasn’t really his.

One of the men snorted at the comment, and Kimiko shot him an unamused look. Kakashi took the opportunity to pull down his mask and tip the whole bowl down his throat. It burned a little, but he’d had worse.

“Thank you for the dinner,” he said, and Kimiko looked with wide disappointed eyes at his empty bowl. “And please don’t call me ‘your’ anything. I do not belong to you, I belong solely to the village of Konoha.”

She scowled at him. “Why are you so loyal to your girlfriend? She would never know if you slept with me.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he said blandly, and wished he could pull out his Icha Icha. It was in his weapons pouch, right underneath his kunai, and his hands itched to carry its familiar weight.

“There must be someone,” she demanded, and he cursed her in his head for directing his thoughts back to Iruka.

“Look, I’m just not interested in you,” he said coolly. _Iruka would never throw himself like that on anyone,_ he thought with distaste. _He’s much too refined, and nice._

“Are you gay?” Kimiko asked suddenly, as if that could be the only reason anyone would fail to fall to her charms.

“No. I like both women and men equally,” he said calmly.

“So you have a boyfriend,” she crowed.

 _Shit. Just shut up already. I don’t want to talk about him, he’s not even my boyfriend. I can’t stay with him._ “No, I just don’t like you.” Kakashi crinkled his eye up into his best eye smile, just to be spiteful. It was a stupid idea to piss off a client but well, he was human too, and even he had limits.

Kimiko stormed off and climbed back into the cart, flashing all the men her underwear as her skirt flicked up. “We’re going now,” she shouted snottily, pointedly avoiding looking at Kakashi. He wished he’d thought to say that earlier.


	11. Chapter 11

Kakashi was dead on his feet. Tired, cold, hungry and running towards Konoha purely by memory. He hadn’t slept much on the way out because escort duty required semi-alert dozing, just in case anyone decided to attack at night. Aside from that the girl, Kimiko-hime, tended to shuffle closer to him in her sleep ( _apparently_ in her sleep, her breathing told him otherwise) and tried to touch him in places that really should be left alone.

When he did sleep, simply because his body could no longer take being awake, he was assaulted by images of a certain scarred chūnin, laughing and smiling and naked and moaning and he really had to put a stop to it because it was making him crazy and he did not want to wake up with a hard-on while Kimiko was lying next to him. He wished he could take the sleeping pills in his back pocket just so he could have a dreamless sleep for one night, but it would defeat the purpose of the mission if a rouge band of thugs managed to tie him up and kidnap the princess while he was sleeping off his idiocy. 

It had been dark for a while when he finally stumbled through the gates, which he was glad of, because he didn’t think he could pull off a lazy slouch and he didn’t want his reputation to be ruined because of this stupid mission. He ignored whoever was on gate duty and plodded home tiredly. He couldn’t help the small smile on his face. Tonight he’d get to sleep in a bed and be able to dream whatever he wanted without the fear of being molested. 

He stopped in front of his apartment door, swaying slightly on his feet, and knocked. He wondered for a moment why he had knocked, then decided to just let it go. He didn’t really have the energy to question his mind’s judgment.

 

Iruka woke up slowly, his mind still foggy with sleep. He’d thought he heard – _knock, knock knock_ – that. Someone knocking on the door. He’d fallen asleep on the couch, he realised. Again. And managed to lie on the last four students homework and crumple it, he realised as he looked down. He sighed. He’d been doing this for the last three weeks, working until he dropped so he didn’t have to even think about his silver haired problem. It had been a rather productive three weeks, but he was sore in lots of different places from the uncomfortable positions in which he fell asleep.

He’d done it in Kakashi’s kimono too, and now it was all crinkled. He shook his head in disgust at himself. He’d been wearing the damn thing every day since he’d found it on his bed, only taking it off to go to bed and when he had to go out. He was still trying to convince himself the reason he was wearing it was not because he missed the perverted jōnin, but it was hard. The material was nice and it was quite comfortable if he tied the obi loosely, but he still felt more comfortable in his uniform pants and shirt. 

The knocking had stopped, but he realised that he could still feel a faint chakra signature outside his door. Iruka rubbed his eyes blearily. The clock on the wall opposite him said two fifteen, and he doubted that he had slept so late that it was in the afternoon, so that meant someone wanted to see him in the early AM. And the only reason anyone was likely to be knocking on his door at this time of night was if someone important to him had been hurt, or the Hokage needed him for something. As he knew that Tsunade liked her sleep and was probably dead to the world on her fourth bottle of sake this time of night, someone had to be hurt. His heart froze. _Naruto. Kakashi._ With shaking fingers he flicked away his wards and flung open the door.

“Kakashi?”

The jōnin was slumped against the wall beside the door and looked up at him with a hint of confusion in his glazed over eye. “Iruka? What are you doing in my apartment?”

“It’s not yours it’s mine, idiot.” Iruka scanned the jōnin quickly for injuries but didn’t sense any, and couldn’t keep the relief out of his voice.

“Oh.” Kakashi stood up shakily, using the wall to prop himself up. “Sorry, I thought this was my place.” He glanced around unsurely. “Ano… could you tell me where I live? I can’t seem to remember.”

“You stupid genius!” Anger and relief were cycling in dizzying circles around Iruka’s head and it was just too much for this time of morning so he shut them both off, unable to decide on anything while he was feeling so emotionally wrought and tired.

He had originally intended to keep away from Kakashi when he returned until the jōnin had given his word (and a written declaration, signed and dated) that he would stop changing his bloody mind all the time about whether he wanted to stay or go, but seeing him sitting dazed on his front step brought out all his mothering instincts. Kakashi’s lecture could wait until morning. “Get your lazy butt in here.”

Iruka hefted Kakashi’s arm over his shoulder and half dragged, half carried him through the doorway and into the bedroom, not bothering to reset his traps. He started stripping the mostly unresponsive jōnin, who just stared at him.   
“Arms up,” he said, like he was talking to a child, and Kakashi complied without complaint, his eyes shifting to the bed.

“Do I get to sleep with you?” he said hopefully.

“For tonight, yes.” Iruka sild Kakashi’s long sleeved shirt over his head and tossed it on the floor. “Because I’m tired and   
I’m not nasty enough to just leave you sitting out there. But you’re going to still be here in the morning, and then we’re going to talk.”

“I probably smell,” Kakashi offered up helpfully as the chūnin pulled down his pants. “I haven’t really showered since I left. I should probably sleep on the floor.”

Iruka sighed and motioned for him to step backwards out of his pants. “To be honest, Kakashi, I don’t really care. I just want to go to bed and if you’re with me I’ll know when you try to leave.”

He pulled back the covers and gently pushed the jōnin into bed, slipping out of his kimono and hanging it in the closet before turning off the light and getting in himself. Kakashi curled around him and he snuggled back into the warmth of the other man’s skin.

“Iruka?”

“Mm?”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Shut up, Kakashi. Go to sleep.”

 

When Iruka awoke he was alone in the bed, the empty space beside him barely still warm. He sighed and buried his face back into the pillow. He should have known Kakashi would skip out as soon as he could. The older man had a sixth sense for avoiding confrontations and seemed to prefer leaving things murky rather than talking them out.

He slowly slid out of bed and into a pair of uniform pants. He didn’t think Kakashi had noticed he had been wearing the kimono the previous night and he sure as hell wasn’t going to give him a chance to notice if he showed up again today. Padding into the kitchen he filled the kettle and switched it on then hunted in the cupboard for some sort of tea, a mindless routine performed out of habit.

He put a cup on the bench, the teabag in the cup, and stared at the kettle while it was boiling. It was a Saturday and it was by some miracle work-free, which he was glad of because it was already eleven and his alarm hadn’t gone off. Pouring the water carefully into the cup he picked it up with the intention of drinking it on the couch. Turning, he squeaked in shock and almost dropped the cup.

Leaning against the bench with his hair dripping wet and his skin shining pink, wearing only a towel, was Kakashi. “Maa, ‘Ruka, I hope you don’t mind that I borrowed your shower. And your towel.”

“You – you-” Iruka couldn’t do more than stutter as his eyes greedily took in the man in front of him. He’d expected that the jōnin had left and now instead he was standing in his kitchen wearing barely anything… it was all he could do to stop   
himself from drooling. “I thought you had left.”

Kakashi arched a white brow. “But you said we had things to talk about.” He barely managed to keep the nonchalant tone in his voice. He wanted to run, badly. The conversation they were about to have was one he would like to avoid at all costs. Knowing this, he had purposely taken the shower without snagging some of Iruka’s clothes to put on afterwards (nothing could make him get back into the uniform he’d been wearing for the last three weeks). This left him wearing a towel and made it less likely he would make a break for it. Although knowing how the chūnin’s temper got sometimes he wasn’t completely sure he wouldn’t be driven to the point where he’d run out the door anyway, clothes or no clothes.

He studied the chūnin from under his lashes and couldn’t help smirking. Iruka was staring at him like he wanted to eat him. That didn’t actually sound like a bad idea. He hadn’t had sex in three weeks and if they did it now maybe Iruka would forget all about that conversation he wanted to have. Plus the younger man did look particularly good in just his pants with his hair slightly mussed from sleeping. When the little voice in his head said, _you’re supposed to be moving away and forgetting this man, not fantasizing about taking him on the kitchen floor,_ he took it out to the back of his mind and hit it until it blacked out.

Iruka was more than surprised when Kakashi descended on him and captured his lips. He couldn’t think well enough to stop his body from responding and leaned in to the warmth of the other man, threading his fingers into still damp silver hair to pull him closer and get more of that wonderful taste in his mouth. Gods he missed this man. Kakashi’s tongue was in his mouth and it was hot and wiggling and felt absolutely amazing. The jōnin’s hands were mapping out his back and sliding down to cup his butt and it felt so good, too good, this is where he’d wanted to be for the last three weeks – _the last three weeks._ Oh.

Iruka broke the kiss and pushed Kakashi away, palms flat on his chest. He was embarrassed when he realised the whimper when their lips parted had come from him, and that even just having his hands on the older man made him way too eager to touch and stroke and squeeze. “We need to talk,” he said breathlessly, but with a hint of steely determination in his tone.

Kakashi pouted and brought his hands up to cover Iruka’s on his chest, stroking his fingers. Iruka looked away a second too late. A full-grown man shouldn’t be cute pulling a face like that, but Kakashi was. And he was playing it up to the best of his abilities. 

“Kakashi please,” Iruka tried, but suddenly there was silver hair in his face and warm, wet kisses travelling down his neck, teeth scraping the skin and making him shiver. “Ah, ‘Kashi – don’t-”

“You like it.” The voice was deep and husky and coming from right beside his ear. It made him hard, instantly, and he couldn’t quite bring himself to be mad because Kakashi was pressing against him and it felt sinfully good. The jōnin gave a low chuckle that sent waves of desire singing through his veins. “My, ‘Ruka, you seen pretty eager.”

There was a hand rubbing his aching dick through his pants and he arched into it, digging his nails into a pale shoulder in an attempt to keep himself upright. “It’s your fault I haven’t gotten-” He moaned as he felt Kakashi’s other hand squeezing his arse, cutting into his own speech, “Laid in so long, you prick. Why the hell did you run away from me?”

Kakashi’s hands paused in their assault on his lower body, not for long, but for long enough to know that something he’d said had made the older man think. His hands were moving slower and more gently and while the new pace made Iruka desperate for friction he also thought it meant he was going to get an answer until Kakashi bent forward and whispered huskily in his ear, “I want to fuck you on the kitchen bench. Is that okay?” while sliding his hand down the back of his pants to touch his entrance, just to make sure his point had fully gotten across.

Despite the fact that the words had Iruka melting and he wanted to find release so badly he would have agreed to sex on top of the Hokage’s desk if Kakashi wished it he found the courage to push the older man away (again) and yell angrily, “No, it’s not okay! I am not going to just lie back and spread my legs for you to take what you want before you run away again.” His own words hit him hard and he was suddenly very unhappy, and not at all turned on.

“Listen, Kakashi, I care about you a lot. I’ll take the good and the bad, because one doesn’t come without the other. But by ‘bad’ I mean Hound and things that are out of your control. I will not – cannot – take it if you’re just going to keep running away every time you think something’s too hard or you’ve done something wrong.”

Kakashi reached a hand towards him hesitantly then let it drop. “I’m sorry.” He took a step back from Iruka, his head hanging and his shoulders slumped. He wanted desperately to say, _If the kitchen bench is out then I’ll be happy to have you on the table,_ just to make light of the situation, running from this horrible conversation in the only other way he knew how. Somehow he knew that saying that would probably get him kicked out, and he didn’t want that because he was only wearing a towel. _And because you desperately want to stay with your sweet little chūnin,_ the annoying little voice said from deep in his mind. He didn’t bother trying to shut it up this time. It was pretty much right.

Iruka heaved a sigh. “’Kashi, please don’t look like that when I’m trying to tell you off. It makes me feel bad.” And he really did feel bad, but Kakashi jerking him around made him feel worse. “I know this is hard for you, but all I want is a concrete answer that you’re going to stand by. Do you want to stay with me, yes or no?”

“I want to stay with you,” Kakashi said quietly.

Iruka frowned. He needed to get this right. “Maybe I should reword that. _Are_ you going to stay with me and not run away when things get hard, instead talking things over like a real man?”

“I would never run away from you if ‘things’ were getting _hard,_ ” Kakashi leered, and instantly regretted it. His chūnin’s face had warped into full scowl mode.

“Is this a joke to you?” Iruka bit out his words. “Do you find me funny?”

“’Ru, I’m-” _It’s a defence. I’m scared shitless, so I pretend it’s not important and we can just laugh and forget to talk about this._ He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t admit that he was scared, especially of such a stupid thing, especially to Iruka who was so strong.

Then Iruka was moving away from him, disappearing, coming back and throwing clothes at him. “Put these on, then leave.”

“’Ru…”

Iruka pointed to the clothes. “Put them on, then leave. We can talk later, if you’re mature enough, but right now I want you out of my house.” 

His voice was cold and his tone final so Kakashi dressed in the clothes he was given and left without argument. This was what he’d wanted, for Iruka to kick him out so that he could get over his crush, right? So why did he feel like he’d royally fucked up?

 

“Obito, I messed up again,” Kakashi said conversationally to the stone. “And he’s still giving me another chance.”  
 _We can talk later, if you’re mature enough._ That was an ‘I’m pissed now, but I still love you’ kind of thing to say. He froze that thought right in its tracks. Nobody had said anything about _love,_ and he was going to damn well make sure it stayed that way. 

“I wanted to give in this morning, you know. Say to hell with trying to protect him from me, because the stupid man seems to want me anyway.” He shook his head in frustration. “I don’t get it, I really really don’t.”

He’d gone to the memorial stone because that’s what he always did when he was upset or angry or just needed someone to talk to. Usually the stone’s silent acceptance calmed him, but today something was off. When he realised what was missing, he felt his heart sink. He was definitely in trouble.

He transported himself to the training ground he’d once mucked around on with Team 7, where he hoped to be able to work off some of this excess – whatever emotion this was. And landed nearly on top of a naked female Naruto, next to a googly-eyed Jiraiya and seven or eight other Naruto-girls. They were all on their knees with their hands clasped in front of them saying, “Please, Ero-sennin, pretty please continue my training? Just for now?”

Kakashi eyed the young blond. He’d put Naruto to the back of his mind with all his Iruka-obsessed thoughts taking up most of the space in his brain, but now he wondered how the boy would react if he knew his two former teachers were getting it on. He’d probably get a dressing down (which the whole village would be able to hear) about ruining Iruka-sensei’s ‘innocence.’ Iruka could tell him, he decided, if the boy really needed to know. He paused in thought and realised he’d just admitted to himself that they had a relationship, and he wanted it to continue. That wasn’t good.  
“You can train with me,” he said brightly, arcing his eye into a happy curve. “I feel the need to beat the shit out of something, and you’ll do for that.”

“Kaka-sensei!” The henge and the clones disappeared in clouds of chakra smoke and suddenly a male Naruto was attached to his waist like a limpet. He just stared for a while until the kid realised he wasn’t going to get hugged back and disentangled himself, unembarrassed. “I’ve gotten heaps stronger! You won’t be able to beat me this time!”  
Kakashi felt a little bad for his decision of using Naruto as an opportune punching bag but figured the kid needed a workout anyway; he had way too much energy. Although Jiraiya was staring at him in a way that made him uncomfortable. 

“Kid, go get some ramen.” The sannin tossed some coins at the blond, who caught them in midair. “I’m going to train with Kakashi.”

“Yosh! Ramen!” Naruto pumped his fist in the air and ran in the general direction of Ichiraku, singing “Ramen, ramen, ramen!” happily. Both men watched him go.

“He really hasn’t grown up, has he?” Kakashi observed with a smirk. Jiraiya wanted something from him, and he was nervous as to what it was.

“He has in some ways,” the sannin objected, “But I didn’t send him away so we could talk about him. We need to talk about you.” He eyed the Copy-nin carefully.

Kakashi ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. “I already said, I don’t want to talk, I want to kick the shit out of something.”

“Well then, we spar first – normal rules, remember, taijutsu and weapons only – and then you’ll tell me what’s wrong with you, okay?”

“Why are you so interested in my business?” Kakashi glared at the old man.

“I promised your father that should anything happen to him I would look after you. I was still too obsessed with girls at that point though, so I didn’t really watch over you in perhaps the way I should have. So it’s partially my fault you’re so emotionally retarded, and I’m trying to fix my mistakes from back then.”

“I’m not retarded.”

“Maybe not in general, but even you have to admit you’re socially screwed.”

Kakashi’s leg shot out to catch the sannin around the ankles, who jumped away at the last second, large grin on his face. “Shut up and spar, old man.”

 

Iruka paced around his living room, mad at Kakashi and mad at himself. It was his only day off this week and he’d just guaranteed he’d spend the whole day miserable and unable to relax. He’d known Kakashi was nervous and out of his depth and he really should have given him a chance after he’d made that crack about hard things. But he’d been nervous too, and the jōnin making jokes had made it seem like he wasn’t taking things seriously.

In retrospect he realised the reason Kakashi had done that was because he _was_ taking things seriously and it was too much for him. It must have hurt, being kicked out basically over nothing. He hardened his heart when he remembered the mission Kakashi had been on. He had high enough clearance to check which ninja were on which missions up to A class, and he wasn’t particularly happy with the one Kakashi had chosen.

Kotetsu had told him about Kimiko-hime a few months ago. Apparently she came to the village once a month for her beauty check-ups and then handpicked a ninja to escort her home, by what he looked like. She didn’t care for rank, and so the mission level was ranked as whatever level the ninja was that she chose. The reason she picked them by physical appearance was because she had wild sex with them every night, Kotetsu had leered at him. According to him she was pretty experienced. Izumo hadn’t talked to him for a couple of weeks after he came back.

He didn’t even want to think about Kakashi jumping out of his bed and into bed with this ‘princess’. The thought made his knees weak and his stomach turn. Somehow he didn’t think the jōnin had done anything, but he knew that Kotetsu had been telling the truth about this particular client and he didn’t really know what to think.

 

The elite jōnin and the sannin lay flat on the ground, staring at the sky and breathing hard.

“I think that’s enough for now,” Jiraiya wheezed, trying to keep his voice even.

Kakashi just nodded, too out of breath to bother speaking. It had been good to let out all his energy in a fight, he realised. Somehow he felt a lot better, even though nothing had really changed. He watched the clouds for a while and decided that ninja should be forced to take a leaf out of Shikamaru’s book every once in a while and just take time out to do nothing. It was relaxing, and almost put him to sleep.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s up your ass now? It’s that Umino guy, isn’t it? What did you do this time?” 

Kakashi opened his eye a crack. Jiraiya was sitting up and staring at him. He wasn’t going to get out of this one. He closed his eye again and curved it upwards. “Yes, he was up my ass. It feels incredibly good, by the way. Have you ever tried it?”

Jiraiya stared at him, but chose to ignore the comment. “What did you do?”

“It’s not what I did, exactly.” Kakashi sat up, leaning back on his hands. “I was at the stone today.”

“You go to the stone every day, you morbid bastard.”

“I was at the stone and I was talking to Obito and it felt wrong.”

“It felt wrong?” The sannin frowned. “Like someone’s been messing with it?”

“No. I talk to Obito about everything I’m thinking about rather than anyone else because I know he can’t answer me or judge me. But when I was at the memorial just before, I was waiting for it to yell at me or laugh at me or throw things at me then tell me I’m stupid for a genius. I wanted it to blush and smile at me… it’s a damn block of stone, but I was disappointed when it didn’t react.”

“I’m pretty sure even you can see what that means, Kakashi.” Jiraiya couldn’t help but grin. If he helped Kakashi get together with his true love then Sakumo might not kill him a second time after his death for supplying his only son with porn.

“I know what it means,” Kakashi said quietly, “I just don’t think I like it.” 

Jiraiya stood up and dusted dirt off his pants, then looked at Kakashi with an expression more serious than he’d ever seen on his face before. “Just think on it for a bit. It’s about time you started living with the living instead of amongst the dead. That schoolteacher will be good for you.”

Only after the old man had disappeared did Kakashi say softly, to no one, “But I don’t think I’ll be good for him.”


	12. Chapter 12

Kakashi was frustrated. He’d come to the conclusion that there was no ‘right’ thing he could do, because if he left Iruka alone then the chūnin would get mad at him, and if he hung around then eventually he’d wind up hurting him again. He frowned. How had he even gotten himself into this situation anyway?

Right. Those liquid eyes and that infectious smile. He hadn’t been able to resist. He sighed and rubbed his head. Truth be told, he still couldn’t resist. That chūnin was too good-looking for his own good. He wanted to just give in, and hold on to the teacher so tightly he wouldn’t be able to leave even if he wanted to.

He’d stayed for nearly an hour on the training field after Jiraiya had left, just lying there and thinking. All he had really succeeded in getting after his prolonged thought session was more frustrated, and also uncomfortable after he’d realised he was still wearing Iruka’s shirt and pants under his flak jacket and mask. He smelled of the chūnin, underneath his own sweat, and he liked it. He couldn’t help wanting the younger man to leave his scent on him, mark him as taken. The desire was so strong it shocked him. He’d never felt that way before.

He was walking home slowly, slouching with his hands in his pockets, breathing in eu de Iruka happily. He wasn’t going to think further than now, because if he did he’d probably have a panic attack. Iruka’s scent he was enjoying, but the actual Iruka he didn’t want to deal with right now.  
A sudden whistling sound alerted him to the fact that it wasn’t safe to daydream while walking the streets of a ninja village, and he snapped his hand in front of his face defensively. A senbon pinged against the metal plate on his glove and bounced harmlessly away. He dropped his hand from his face slowly, and stared at the man in front of him without expression.

“Shiranui-san.”

“Hatake-san,” Genma drawled slowly. “I hear you’ve been playing with our little friend Iruka-sensei.” He was standing with his feet spread apart, ready to attack, twirling another senbon between his fingers.

Kakashi shifted his position so he’d be able to defend easily if the long haired man decided to lunge at him, and frowned. “I didn’t know you were friends with Iruka.”

Raidō dropped down from a roof to land beside Genma. He didn’t move into an attack or defence stance, instead standing languidly with his head tilted slightly, appraising Kakashi. “Everybody in this village cares about Iruka,” he said flatly.

“And we don’t like it when people hurt him,” Genma added, senbon glinting between his lips.

Kakashi had to work hard to stop himself from flinching. “You don’t have to tell me that.” _Do you think I like hurting him?_

“I think we do.” Genma smiled, and it wasn’t a nice smile.

 

Iruka finally gave up his pacing and left the apartment. He’d go find his favourite blond and take him for some ramen or something. And then maybe beg for a shift at the mission desk, preferably one that would last all the way until midnight. Staying indoors with all his traitorous thoughts was giving him cabin fever.

“Stupid jōnin,” he muttered.

 

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. “What do you know?”

Genma clenched his fists and scowled, baited by the silver haired man’s nonchalant tone. Raidō pushed him back gently, motioning for him to stay silent. “Kakashi-san, do you find Genma attractive?”

“What?” He didn’t even try to hide his confusion. _What sort of a question was that?_

“Yes or no, Kakashi-san.”

Kakashi was glad to know he wasn’t the only one put off-guard by the question; Genma’s eyes were bugging out and he now looked as if he wanted to kill Raidō instead of him. 

“If I say yes you’ll say I’m disloyal to Iruka, and if I say no then he,” Kakashi jabbed a thumb in Genma’s direction, “Will likely try to kill me.”

“I promise none of that will happen.” Raidō was solemn and didn’t seem to notice the senbon specialist’s glare. “This has nothing to do with Iruka-sensei.”

“Then, yes?” He figured he might as well tell the truth. He wasn’t interested in sleeping with Genma any more, but that didn’t mean the man wasn’t attractive.

Raidō looked relieved, of all things. Genma was staring at him like he’d just said he wanted to give up being a ninja and become an au pair. “What?” he said, mildly annoyed. “Everyone knows that Genma’s damn sexy. It’s not a secret, he’s slept with most of the village.”

Before Raidō could stop him Genma blurted out, “Then why wouldn’t you have sex with me?”

This was getting more confusing by the minute. Didn’t these guys want to fight him just a little while ago? True, there was supposed to be a fine line between love and hate, but this was taking it a tad too far. “Why _would_ I have sex with you? I have a boyfriend.”

Oh. He’d just admitted Iruka was his boyfriend, again. Looks like his mind had made up itself.

“Who you like to rape,” Genma snarled, and Raidō paled noticeably, making his scars stand out vivid on his face.

Kakashi stood absolutely still and didn’t speak. He feared that if he moved even a single muscle he would tear apart. His second thought was that he deserved to be torn apart.

“Stop!” a new voice screamed. “You did _not_ just say that to him.”

Iruka was standing between them, trembling with righteous anger, pointing at Genma. “Never ever let me hear you say that again,” he said in a low, deadly voice.

Genma took a step back, bumping into a frozen Raidō and gripping his arm to keep himself steady. “You’re defending him?” he said in disbelief. “He just left for three weeks without telling you.”

“Just because he’s stupid and has no social skills doesn’t mean he’s a rapist.” Iruka turned to look at Kakashi, who still hadn’t moved. “Look what you’ve done,” he hissed, grabbing the front of the special jōnin’s flak jacket. “Do you know how hard it’s been to convince him that that wasn’t him? Fix your own relationship and stay out of mine.”

He pushed Genma back and let go of his jacket, turning and stalking back to Kakashi. Kakashi just stared at him, and he smiled in an attempt to show he wasn’t the enemy. “Come,” he said softly, tugging on a gloved hand. Kakashi didn’t move. Iruka reached up, took hold of his shoulders firmly, and kissed him hard on the lips through his mask. “Please come with me, you’re making a scene and there are people watching.”  
Kakashi’s hands slowly moved up to settle on his waist. “You’re not mad?” he whispered.

“Yes I am,” Iruka whispered back, “But if you transport us back to my apartment right now and explain some things to me I can stop being mad.”  
He moved so he was standing closer to the older man, their chests touching. He could feel Kakashi’s heart beating hard and fast and his warm breath on his neck as the jōnin preformed the seals behind his back. He hoped more than anything that Kakashi would find the courage to speak to him properly, but didn’t dare believe it would happen.

 

“What… what just happened?” Genma stared at Raidō, wide eyed.

Raidō stared at the crowd of people watching them curiously and tugged on Genma’s sleeve. “Uh, Gen, we should probably go too.”

“But why would he stand up for him?”

Raidō sighed, and tugged again, trying to get the younger man to move away. “It’s not really any of our business. I’m pretty sure Iruka-sensei can handle this on his own.”

Genma refused to move. “He needs protecting,” he protested. “Kakashi is a monster and he’s just a chūnin.”

Raidō gave up trying to convince him that they were better off talking somewhere else and performed his own transportation jutsu without waiting for permission, taking them to their bedroom because that’s where Genma should feel most at ease.

Genma flopped down on the bed in defeat but sat up quickly as he realised something else. “You asked him if he thought I was attractive.”

“I did,” Raidō agreed, slipping off his jacket and sitting down beside him on the bed to take off his shoes.

“Why?” the senbon sucker asked angrily. “Why would you ask that?”

Raidō finished taking off his shoes and placed them neatly beside the bed before turning to his lover, untying his hitai-ate, brushing the hair out of his face and kissing him. “Because you’ve been upset.” He kissed him again, keeping it soft and innocent, knowing it would drive Genma crazy. “For some reason him turning you down holds more weight with you than me doing things for you that you know I don’t like.” He paused, feeling his old scar issues well up inside him. “Is it because he’s better looking than me?”

He cursed himself for his insecurities, for letting them show. It had been a long time since he’d questioned Genma, but now… Kakashi wasn’t sexy, but there was something about him that seemed to charm people, even when he was being a complete asshole. Raidō didn’t like the guy, but he had to admit he’d caught himself once or twice just looking, and wondering what if. His only consolation was that the silver haired celebrity seemed to want to play it completely straight with his new lover and wouldn’t touch Genma.

“You mean a lot more to me than he does, Rai.” Genma was touching his face, trailing his fingers over ugly burn scars and staring at him with sad and slightly shocked eyes. “You’re beautiful.” His tone was reverent, and Raidō knew he wasn’t seeing the scars at all, even though he was touching them. He was seeing him as he had been before, although even then he hadn’t been nearly as good looking as Genma was.

“Don’t bother, Gen.” He turned his face to the side, flinching out of the younger man’s soft touch. “You were acting like you thought you weren’t attractive because _that man_ turned you down. It didn’t matter to you that I find you attractive, because you thought he didn’t. So I asked, and now you know he does, so everything can go back to normal, right?”

He offered up the best smile he could manage but it was shaky and his scars pulled the left side of his mouth out of balance and he knew he was failing at looking normal. It was hard, and he was getting sick of being the one to try and put things back together. He hadn’t broken down properly in over three years because every time he’d come close Genma had appeared begging to be ripped apart and then put back together again. He’d held himself together so he could see Genma through, because Genma was younger, and Genma had been through hell, and Genma needed protecting.   
In the beginning he’d thought that maybe ripping into Genma’s body the way the younger jōnin wanted would help him release some of the raw emotion that was tearing him apart from the inside. And it did, for a while. He didn’t see or feel or think anything when he was doing it and it was just what he wanted. But afterwards he felt so much worse, sick and guilty and scared of himself.

“Rai!” Genma’s hands were fisted tightly in his shirt, twisting the material, swirls of deep blue against long pale fingers. “Kakashi means nothing, nothing. Please don’t be like this. I need you.”

_He should be too old to whine like that,_ Raidō thought absently. He almost wanted to laugh. Yes, he wasn’t allowed to break down because Genma needed him, the man said it himself. It annoyed him slightly that he couldn’t find it in himself to be angry. This is the way it always has been. Genma breaks and Raidō comforts him, even though they do the same kind of missions.

He grinned suddenly, a half crazed smile warped by his scarred skin that made Genma fearful. And then he started crying and couldn’t stop. Genma wrapped his arms around his sobbing lover hesitantly, unsure what to do. Raidō had never collapsed on him before and he wondered if this is what Iruka had meant when he’d said to fix his own relationship. He hadn’t even realised anything was wrong.

 

He’d transported to the couch because it would be comfortable enough to get naked on if things went well, but also close enough to the door for him to make a break for it if he managed to mess things up, the latter being the most likely scenario in his pessimistic mind. He hadn’t thought it out in so many words, but his genius had evaluated the situation instinctively, as it did for any hostile situation. Although Iruka did seem rather forgiving, going by how close he was standing.

They’d arrived in the room a couple of minutes ago and the chūnin was yet to let go of his flak jacket. He moved his hand up to cover Iruka’s and the younger man pulled away, startled. “Sorry, I didn’t- I wasn’t meaning to do that.” He was blushing, and looked almost as out of his depth as Kakashi felt.

“It’s alright, it’s just the after effects of the jutsu,” Kakashi said, deciding he could at least put one of them out of their misery. “Do you feel dizzy at all?” 

He remembered the last time he’d been transported by someone else using that jutsu. He’d been chakra depleted and the room had spun around him for about an hour after they’d landed in the hospital.

“I did, but it’s better now.” Iruka smiled at him, ignoring the fact that he’d rather still be clinging to the older man. 

“Ah, well.” Kakashi scratched the back of his head awkwardly. Iruka was being nice and he looked happy, so was he just supposed to bring up the argument they’d had this morning? Or could he pretend it never happened and just go with this? “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

“Kakashi.” _Oh shit, he looks serious now._ “Could you just talk? Tell me why you run, and tell me that you’re not going to again.” He took a step back as Kakashi reached for him. “And don’t touch me. I won’t be distracted this time.”

Kakashi squirmed, and sat down on the couch gingerly. “Can I at least hold your hand?” _I need something to hold on to. Just – I promise I won’t let things get out of control. I’m not that stupid._

Iruka sighed and sunk down beside him, crossing his legs and leaning back into the cushions. He held out a hand, palm up. “You’re such a big baby, you know that?” he said crossly, but he was smiling. “And I wish you’d get rid of that kicked puppy look, it’s much too distracting.” _And makes me want to cuddle you._

The jōnin took his hand in his own, curling his fingers around it loosely and doing nothing else. He stared down at their joined hands, as if it would give him courage. Black leather and pale, scarred fingers against a smaller tanned hand. Iruka’s hand looked fragile in his, his hand that killed and maimed and tore lives apart.

“I want you,” he said quietly, turning the hand over and tracing the lines on the palm with his finger. Iruka didn’t pull away. “I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted before.

“I’ve never done this before though,” he continued, comparing the size of his pinkie to Iruka’s and hooking them together. “And I can’t really say that I won’t run away, because I’ve never really been good at confrontations.” He smiled behind the mask but didn’t look up, afraid to see Iruka’s expression. “Unless they’re purely physical, of course.”

“’Kashi.” Iruka wasn’t sure how he was supposed to take any of that. He tightened his fingers around the hand holding his. “Can you promise me you will try?” The leather of the glove was soft and warm from wear, a glaring contrast to the cold hard plate on the back.

Kakashi looked up, looked at him, and he suddenly felt like he couldn’t move, trapped in that dark silent gaze. “Try not to run away?”

Iruka nodded, his mouth dry.

“I can try, for you.”

“Thank you,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I can take it, if you’re there for me.”

Kakashi didn’t want to think about what he’d need to be there for. If he thought about that for too long he’d bolt, and then Iruka would be mad again. “No, thank you.” Iruka looked confused, so he added, “For giving me a chance. Believing in me.”

“Everyone deserves a chance ‘Kashi,” Iruka said softly, moving closer to the older man and moulding his body into his side. “And I’m doing it for purely selfish reasons. I’m kind of addicted to you.”

Kakashi freed his hand and shifted his arm over his chūnin’s shoulders. “Addicted?” he questioned.

Iruka blushed and buried his nose into the jōnin’s shoulder. “I think about you all the time, and I miss you when you’re gone,” he mumbled into the shirt. “You make me crazy.”

“Do you dream about me?” Kakashi couldn’t help teasing.

Iruka’s answer was a purposefully unintelligible mutter and Kakashi laughed. “Because I dream about you,” he said in a low voice so the chūnin was left with no question as to the context of the dreams starring him.

“ _Ka_ -kashi,” he scolded, embarrassed.

“What, I’m an adult. I’m allowed to watch porn. Besides,” he grinned and tapped his hitai-ate, “You gave me permission to record it.”

If possible, Iruka’s face got redder. “I didn’t actually think… do you watch it? What we did?”

“No,” Kakashi admitted. Iruka was slightly surprised to find himself disappointed by this. “I’ve spent the last three weeks with a psycho girl who just wanted to get laid. I didn’t dare go near it in case she thought I was getting excited over her.” His lips twisted up into a smirk beneath the mask. “That doesn’t mean I didn’t want to, though I’d prefer the real thing.”

“You didn’t have sex with her?” Iruka asked, caught off-guard by the off-handed mention of Kimiko. 

Kakashi put on a shocked expression, knowing Iruka would know even through the mask. “That’s disgusting. She wasn’t much older than Sakura, and looked like Tsunade. Boobs everywhere.” He shivered.

Iruka twisted in his seat and swung his leg over so he was straddling the jōnin’s thighs. He put the tip of his thumb in his mouth and pulled a pouty face. “Oh poor ’Kashi-kun that must have been _horrible,_ ” he said in a baby coddling voice.

Kakashi nodded seriously. “It was the worst three weeks of my life.”

Iruka hooked a finger under the top of the jōnin’s mask and pulled it down, then wiggled forward until their noses were touching. “Maybe ‘Ruka can make it feel better?” he asked, and it came out more breathless than he had intended.

Kakashi chuckled and closed the gap between them, kissing the chūnin softly. “My ’Ruka can make anything better.”

 

Iruka wiggled a bit, burying his face in the warm flesh next to him. The sunlight streaming through the gap in the curtains was warm but much too bright, and he wasn’t ready to wake up just yet. In fact, he wanted this moment to last forever.

The skin against his face stretched taut and he could feel the hard muscle underneath. He wiggled closer. “Don’t get up yet,” he whined, voice muffled by a toned abdomen he had been rather impressed by last night.

Kakashi gave a half chuckle, half yawn. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said, wrapping strong arms around his chūnin. “I did always think you were a morning person though, ‘Ruka.”

Iruka glanced up into smiling mismatched eyes. “I think I’m growing out of it,” he said, “I could get used to waking up like this.”

He almost regretted adding the last line, knowing how Kakashi was wont to avoid relationships or commitment. But the jōnin only smiled and slung a leg over his. “It is nice, isn’t it,” he agreed. “Is there anything you have to do today?”

“Mmm.” Iruka had to think about it. The jōnin was messing with his whole schedule. Usually he’d be cleaning his apartment at this time on a Sunday, then doing the laundry and getting the groceries. But this was much nicer than that, so he wasn’t going to complain. Much. “I have a five hour stint at the mission room starting at four. What about you?”

Kakashi glanced at the clock. 10:15. He tended to be chatting to Obito at this time if he was in the village, but he figured the orange goggled loser could deal without him for a day. He had been going there more frequently than usual lately anyway. “I’m probably expected to start another mission soon, Tsunade’ll be mad I took that last one because anyone could have done it and it meant she couldn’t give me assassinations for the past three weeks. I don’t really want to take one though, so I’ll just wait for her to call me.”

Iruka propped himself up on one elbow and stared down at the jōnin. _He really does have a nice face when you can see all of it,_ he thought. “You don’t need to take missions?”

Kakashi frowned, wondering what he was getting at. “No, not for financial reasons. I don’t need the money.”

Iruka found it hard to believe. He worked two jobs as well as taking B and C ranked missions through the holidays and that gave him just enough to live comfortably. Teachers didn’t get paid a lot and if he didn’t work at the mission room he’d be forced to live in a place similar to Kakashi’s pathetic excuse for a home, and probably in a worse part of town. His parents had left him with nothing. They hadn’t been particularly well off before they died and their home had been destroyed in the Kyuubi attack. “Then why do you still take missions?”

“It’s who I am,” Kakashi said, and despite the fact he was naked and lying on his back in bed with tousled bed hair Iruka could sense the seriousness in his voice. “If I wasn’t a shinobi I wouldn’t be anything.”

“But you could stop doing S-ranks, right?” Iruka couldn’t keep the hopefulness out of his voice. “You could quit ANBU and just be a normal jōnin.”

“There’s no such thing as a normal jōnin,” Kakashi said, smiling.

Iruka whacked him on the head with the back of his hand. “You know what I meant.”

“Yeah.” Kakashi grew serious again. “I can’t quit though. It’s expected of me to take difficult missions because I am able to and it’s my duty to the village to do it. Your duty is to teach, because that’s what you’re good at, and mine is to kill, because that’s what I’m good at. I’m honour bound to protect the village to my best ability, to make up for my father’s mistakes.”

“Your father?” Iruka was curious. Kakashi had never mentioned any family before. “What did he do?”

“I’m sure you’ve heard of him,” Kakashi said, an underlying bitterness in the tone of his voice. “You probably use him as an example of a traitor when you’re teaching your students how to perform a mission honourably. He was known as the White Fang of Konoha.”

“The White Fang?” Iruka’s eyes grew round. “He was your father?” _The man who flunked a mission to save his teammates lives?_

“Yes.” Kakashi stared at him, with both eyes, daring him to contradict him. “Are you going to look down on me now?”

Iruka dropped down and snuggled his face into his lover’s neck, breathing in deeply. “Why would I do that? It’s not right to blame you for your father’s mistake.” He stuck out his tongue and licked the skin in front of him, unable to resist. “And for what it’s worth I think what he did was right. We are supposed to teach about him but I don’t, because they won’t let me say that while he did the wrong thing as a shinobi he did the right thing as a human being.”

“I was ashamed of him for a long time,” Kakashi admitted, shifting so his chin rested on top of Iruka’s head. “People saw him as a traitor and they saw me as a traitor too, by default. I hated him.”

Iruka nuzzled at his neck. “You were just a child. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”

“I was supposed to be a genius.”

“But still a child.” Iruka bit him lightly. “Your father wouldn’t hold it against you, you know. He’d be proud of you if he saw you now.”

“I was never a child. Only ever a shinobi.”

Iruka frowned and ran his fingers over a warm pale shoulder and down a warm pale back. “Then your father also has something to apologize for,” he said quietly. “But that’s all in the past. Concentrate on now.”

He put all his concern, all his love, all of who he was into a kiss and held the older man tightly. “I will not let you go,” he whispered, and believed it with all his heart.


	13. Chapter 13

“Are you sure that this is not poisonous?” Kakashi looked dubiously at the vegetable in his hand. 

“It’s an aubergine, Kakashi, you’ve probably eaten it before.” 

Iruka sighed and moved to take the vegetable away but Kakashi shuffled out of reach and held it beside his ear, shaking it and listening intently for some sort of reaction. Iruka couldn’t hide his smile. He’d never imagined that he’d be going grocery shopping with the Copy-nin, and it was an experience and a half. There were all day vegetable markets on Sunday’s in Konoha (ninja worked weird hours, and the civilians tried to be accommodating) and apparently Kakashi had never been to one before. Never ever.

People’s gazes followed them wherever they went and it wasn’t just because of who Kakashi was, more because of what he was doing. Iruka found it unnerving. People tended to leave him alone when he shopped by himself because he blended into the background. Kakashi’s whole essence screamed ‘look at me!’ even when he wasn’t trying to rearrange the cucumbers so they were tallest to shortest.

“I still don’t know what it is.” Kakashi was on the verge of lifting up his hitai-ate to peek at it with the sharingan when Iruka finally managed to snatch it away and put it safely in the basket hanging over his arm.

“Eggplant. Surely you’ve heard of eggplant?” The chūnin shook his head in frustration.

“I’m still not sure.” Kakashi stared at the offending vegetable heatedly. “It’s _purple._ I’m sure purple things are not good to eat.”

“Well I’ll cook something with eggplant in it tonight, okay? And then you can try it.” 

Iruka’s breath caught as he realised he’d just assumed that Kakashi would want to come over and have dinner with him. It’d be a late dinner too, seeing as he was rostered in the mission room until nine and he usually ended up staying a couple of hours longer than that. Kakashi didn’t seem to notice his presumptuousness and simply kept eyeing the aubergine balefully. “I still don’t trust it.”

“It’s fine ‘Kashi.” Iruka reddened, realising he’d used the pet name in public. He hadn’t meant to, it had just slipped out. He was starting to think of Kakashi as his ‘Kashi and he didn’t really know what to think of that. “Have you really not been to the market before?”

Kakashi shrugged, reluctantly pulling his eyes away from the vegetable to look at Iruka. “I never really had time to go to markets and find good food to cook for myself. I was on pretty much continuous missions even before my father died. Actually,” he scratched the back of his head, a little embarrassed, “You can probably say I don’t know how to cook at all.”

“No wonder you’re so skinny,” Iruka tsked at him. “Well, I’d be happy to teach you, if you wanted to learn. I’m not the best, but I know a little and I am a teacher, after all.”

His smile was so beautifully genuine and honest it made Kakashi’s heart stutter for a few beats and his mind go blank. If he didn’t think that they’d get in trouble for taking off with the veggies Iruka was carrying he’d have jutsu’ed them right out of there so he could ravish the chūnin. As it was he settled for openly staring.

Iruka looked away and shuffled his feet a little, unnerved. “Why are you staring at me like that?”

Kakashi smiled, his eye curving happily. “I’d love for you to teach me to cook.”

“Oh, well, that’s good.”

The jōnin grabbed his arm and dragged him over to another stall where he picked up a strange green skinned fruit that appeared to have scales.   
“What’s this?” He squeezed it, just a little, and the fruit exploded on him, sending whitish pulp everywhere. He stared at his now wet and sticky glove for a second and then shoved his hand up under his mask and stuck his fingers in his mouth. “Hey, it’s not that bad.”

Iruka was mortified. “Kami, what did I do to deserve this? You’re worse than a child,” he scolded.

“Wanna try some?” Kakashi wiggled his pulp-covered fingers in front of Iruka’s face. 

“No ‘Kashi. You need to look but don’t touch,” he said sternly.

Kakashi laughed. “Maa ‘Ruka, I’m sorry. I just don’t know my own strength.” He paused and stared at his sticky hand again. “So what were those?”

“They’re called cherimoya,” Iruka said, unable to stay mad at the childlike jōnin. “Custard apple. They’re nice frozen.”

“Mmhmm.” Kakashi was moving on already. “And this? What is this thing, it’s all hairy.” He held up a small oval-shaped brown fruit, which was indeed covered in a fuzzy layer of fur.

“What did I just tell you about touching?” Iruka warned. Kakashi dropped the fruit back into the pile. “And that’s a kiwifruit, you don’t eat the skin.”

“I don’t see why anyone would want to eat something with that much fur on it.” The petulant jōnin glared at the fruit. “I bet that’s what Asuma looks like naked.”

Iruka choked back a laugh. “Well if you really want to know try asking Kurenai.”

Kakashi looked shocked. “No way. I don’t want that verified. I’d rather not know, thanks.”

“Are you sure?” Iruka waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“Yes,” the jōnin said shortly, and bounded over to the next stall. “Now this you definitely cannot eat, am I right?”

He was pointing (he’d learnt his lesson about picking things up, thank you very much) at the oddest fruit Iruka had ever seen. It was red with green shoots sprouting off it up to a point. “I don’t actually know. Maybe we should get one and try it?”

“That would be good.” Kakashi leaned over to pick one up but stopped short.

“Yes, you can pick it up,” Iruka smiled. It was an incredibly weird and out of body experience to be giving orders to the Copy-nin but Kakashi was acting just like a puppy and seemed eager to please, so he couldn’t find it in himself to feel bad about it.

Kakashi dropped the fruit in the basket and suddenly clutched at his arm, grimacing. “Fuck.”

Iruka spun around, mind going mile a minute to try and figure out what could have happened. “Are you alright?”

And then he realised Kakashi was clutching his left arm just below his shoulder and felt the blood drain from his face. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry ‘Ru. We’ll have dinner some other time, right?” There was a painful mix of hope and unhappiness in the jōnin’s visible eye.

Iruka tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. “Y-yeah.”

And then Kakashi was kissing him on the forehead and he was standing alone in the middle of the crowd with a basket of vegetables on his arm. He’d never felt so stupid before. What had he been thinking? Kakashi wasn’t a _puppy,_ he was a shinobi, and one of the finest Konoha had ever seen. How had he forgotten that?

 

Kakashi didn’t want to put the mask on. As ridiculous as it sounded he wanted to go back to the market and play happy families with Iruka. It was stupid, he knew, and it probably wouldn’t last, but still. He hadn’t ever asked for anything for himself before. He hadn’t had time off since he’d been a genin – at five - and he’d actually asked for extra missions at some points. After twenty-three years of constant loyal service he probably deserved a break. But the village came first.

He stared at himself in the mirror, his wild Hatake hair, the scar over his eye, the almost feminine shape of his face. He wondered, not for the first time, who he actually was. There was a time when he could have answered that question without hesitation. _I am shinobi. Weapon of Konoha._ He wasn’t completely sure that that was who he was anymore. 

He put on the mask.

 

He wouldn’t admit it, but Iruka was frightened. He wanted to talk to someone but the only viable people were Genma and Raidō, and after that scene yesterday he’d be surprised if either of them wanted to talk to him again. They’d only wanted to help, and he’d gone in yelling without thinking. But Genma’s hurt feelings were really the least of his worries right now.

Everything just came back to Kakashi. Kakashi who made him laugh, Kakashi who made him smile, Kakashi who made him breathless and Kakashi who made him cry. And gods, he did not want to cry. He’d done his best not to think about it, but if he had this would be worse than anything he could have imagined. 

Knowing Kakashi was going on an ANBU mission. Knowing when the jōnin came back he’d probably find himself pressed against the nearest surface against his will. And not knowing when he’d be back.

He considered going to Tsunade to ask when Kakashi was due, just so he’d have an approximate time of when to expect it and not have to be constantly afraid. He couldn’t do that though, because then she’d ask questions and he didn’t think he could lie to her. Besides, ANBU missions were so secretive they didn’t even go through the mission desk, only through Tsunade herself.

He was in a hopeless position, and he knew it. All he could do was wait.

 

Genma was scared. Raidō was sleeping now, breathing deeply and evenly, but he couldn’t do the same. Every time he closed his eyes he saw his scarred lover try to smile and fail, then burst into tears. He didn’t know what to do, and he didn’t know how to get his brain to stop. _Raidō never cries, never ever. Not when he first saw his disfigured face, and not when Hayate died. Not when he found me after that particularly bad time with Hound, and not when his sister had come back from that mission missing her tongue and unable to explain the torture she’d been through._  
She’d never been the same after that. When Genma had seen her, tears streaking down from haunted eyes, mouth opening and shutting wordlessly, he’d vomited. Raidō had said nothing, just cleaned the vomit off his shirt and comforted _him._

It was horrible, when he thought about it. He hadn’t been close to Raidō’s sister; she’d been a few years younger than him and being Rai’s sister she wasn’t quick fuck material and as such didn’t interest him much. She was nothing to him and everything to Raidō and yet he had been the one who broke. He’d been so afraid it could happen to him.

Genma suddenly felt incredibly guilty. It shouldn’t really be such a shock that Raidō was breaking, he realised. The man had years worth of unshed tears stocked up, and it was his fault. He steeled himself resolutely. Raidō had always been there for him, the least he could do was repay that favour. Even if Raidō’s tears made him feel like the world was tilting out from underneath him.

He dropped a soft kiss on a scarred cheek and slipped under the covers beside his lover. He didn’t know how to deal with a breaking Raidō but for now he could just be with him, put his own selfish worries aside and worry about how comforting someone worked when he woke up in the morning.

Iruka had never loved his teaching job more. Dealing with thirty kids all holding sharp weapons that they had no basic control of allowed no time for any other thoughts than survival. And that’s exactly what he needed.

So far today he’d broken up two fights, comforted a crying girl who wasn’t picked as a partner by the boy she liked and taken a shuriken in the arm to stop a potential injury to a child who wouldn’t move out of the way. It took an extreme amount of concentration but he was in his element.

These kids didn’t judge him. They looked up at him as the strongest shinobi ever (“Except faw my daddy,” one child sniffed, “He’s weally stwong.”) and were thoroughly impressed when he did a simple henge. It made him smile that most of these kids who viewed him with such awe would surpass him in rank before they were the age he was now.

Iruka poked absently at his bento. He wished he could have just kept working through lunch with his class but that wasn’t fair on them. For a weapons training session they had been spectacularly good, and there had been no injuries except the slash on his right arm. It hadn’t been particularly painful because kids at this age didn’t have much muscle behind their throws. The poor boy had burst out in tears when he realised he’d injured his beloved teacher. In just a few more years he’d think nothing of a scratch like that.

Thinking about how he was turning these sweet little kids with their gap-toothed smiles and their fluffy heads into killing machines was something he usually tried to avoid thinking about. He loved each and every child that came through his classroom and he’d seen the name of more than one shinobi who had once been an eager to learn fluff ball carved into the stone. It cut a little bit of his heart out every time. He didn’t even want to think about the day that would come when – and it was a when, not an if – he’d be reading Kakashi’s name on the memorial.

 

Raidō stretched and peeled open his eyes slowly. It was bright and he flinched away from the light, shading his eyes with his arm. He felt like shit. “Gen?” His voice was cracking and painful. 

“Rai. Are you feeling better?” The voice came from his chest and he realised the person he’d been asking for was pressed up against him. The voice was wavering and unsure, not tones he was familiar with coming from Genma. Even when the younger man was breaking he knew what he wanted.

_Feeling better?_ Of course. He’d broken down before. He felt ashamed. He’d cried in front of Genma, and completely fallen apart when the younger man had needed him. He struggled to sit up, and peered out the window through the slanted blinds. The sun was surprisingly high in the sky. “Gen, why are we sleeping so late?”

Genma was curled around his leg now, his head resting at the top of Raidō’s thigh. “Mm, told Tsunade-sama you were sick. You didn’t wake up so I came back to bed and just let you sleep.”

Raidō twisted his fingers through the younger man’s hair, gently untangling knots and smoothing it out. He was feeling strangely shaky and very unlike himself, and Genma’s weight on his leg was a welcome anchor. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Sorry for what?” Genma’s arms were cinched around his lower leg, his fingers tracing slow and unrecognisable patterns on his skin.

“Falling apart on you when you needed me.”

Genma’s fingers stopped moving. “It’s fine, Rai. I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

There was something he wasn’t saying, some odd tint to his voice that had Raidō worried. If he didn’t know better he would have said it sounded like guilt. “It’s not fine. You needed me and I couldn’t help you.” Raidō felt useless. He remembered his conversation with Iruka and how he was supposed to be the ‘strong’ one. Fat lot of good he was.

The hands on Raidō’s leg tightened. “No, Rai, _it’s fine._ ” Genma growled out the words. “I’m a big boy. I could have handled myself a lot of the time but I came running to you because you were there and you let me. I was selfish. I couldn’t see past my own pain to realise you were hurting too, because you keep yours locked away so far down inside no one can tell. I should have known better.”

Raidō rubbed his face and dragged his fingers through his choppy hair, confused. “Uh?” He felt kind of dizzy.

“I don’t really need to be treated with kid gloves. I can hold myself together better than I have been. Now it’s my turn to look after you.”

“But – but you’re the sexy one. I’m supposed to be strong.” This wasn’t the way things were meant to go. Raidō’s world was spinning.

“What?” Genma sat up, and Raidō was momentarily distracted by the fact that he wasn’t wearing a shirt. “What are you talking about?” he demanded.

Raidō’s mind was nowhere near clear enough to explain how he had come to that conclusion, but he was inexplicably starting to panic. “But if I’m not strong, you won’t need me anymore.”

Genma stared at him like he had lost his mind, and spoke as if he was speaking to a particularly thick child. “You _are_ strong, dumbass. And even if I didn’t need you anymore it wouldn’t make me want you any less. You’re not going to get rid of me like that.”

Raidō smiled, and Genma’s heart leaped when he realised it was real this time. He opened his arms and Genma crawled into them happily. “Thank you, Gen.”

The younger man leaned into him, nuzzling his neck. “I’ll always need you anyway, Rai.”

Things weren’t perfect, but they were better than they had been in a long time. 

 

Hound was crouched on a roof, silent, his chakra a nearly unnoticeable flicker. He watched a window across the street where a mother was tucking her young daughter into bed. The little girl had blonde curls trailing halfway down her back and bright green eyes set in warm pink skin. She was begging for a story, anything to stay up later, and the mother laughed and gave in, selecting a thin book from a shelf crowded by soft toys.

The mother had cropped dark hair and a regal bearing, even though with the child she seemed relaxed and smiling. She slipped under the covers with the little girl in the tiny bed and wrapped an arm around her as she started to tell the story. She was an animated storyteller, and the child clapped her hands in delight more than once before the story was over.

When the woman left the room after multiple kisses and hugs Hound tracked her progress through the house by the lights that went on and then off again. She finished up in another bedroom, one he knew from the map of the house was the master bedroom. She sat down in front of a vanity and started brushing her hair, humming softly to herself. She didn’t look like she’d be going to bed any time soon.

Hound settled himself in for a long wait.

 

Iruka sat down, then stood up again and walked to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. He’d been going through the same motions for the last few hours, sitting then standing then pacing, and was almost considering begging Tsunade for some sort of sleeping pill that would knock him out for the night. He couldn’t sleep, and he couldn’t concentrate enough to actually get any work done.

A knock on the door broke his mind ranting, and he decided that whoever was there was a godsend and whatever their purpose was he was going to invite them in and they would stay for as long as it took for his mind to shut down. No matter how much they wanted to leave.

He opened the door to reveal a sheepishly smiling Genma. 

“Ano,” the special jōnin shifted his gaze somewhere to the left of Iruka’s shoulder, “I just wanted to apologize. You know, for the other day.”

Well. That was unexpected. Iruka moved to the side so Genma could enter the apartment. “That’s okay. I know you have your own things to worry about, Genma-san.” He turned and sunk down cross-legged on the couch. “How is Raidō?”

Genma followed and sat down awkwardly on the far end of the couch. “Just call me Genma. How did you know that Raidō was going to break?”

Iruka looked at him, surprised. “I didn’t. I saw him a couple of days ago, and he was… upset, but it didn’t seem that bad. He didn’t want to break down in front of you.”

Genma sighed and fiddled with his senbon. “It wasn’t really a breakdown as such, not like I’ve seen in other ANBU, but for Raidō… I think he composed himself again too fast though. He needs to break down properly.”

“He didn’t seem to think you’d be able to handle it if he collapsed,” Iruka admitted.

Genma frowned. “Well, thanks for telling me that.” He glanced toward the door. “I should probably go back to him.”

He rose to go and Iruka got up too, panicking slightly. Genma looked at him oddly. “Please, don’t go?”

The special jōnin studied him carefully, taking in his rumpled clothes and messy hair. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked slowly, a little annoyed that he hadn’t noticed the chūnin’s state when he’d first arrived. That sort of thing was what got good shinobi killed.

Iruka twisted his hands together. “Ano, Kakashi’s gone on an ANBU mission. I don’t know when he’s coming back and I’m… lonely. Just stay for a little bit longer?”

_Lonely? He’s not lonely, he’s afraid._ Genma allowed himself a moment of anger towards the silver haired man who was messing up everything even when he wasn’t around. He chewed his senbon thoughtfully. “If you wanted, you could come stay with me and Rai for a while, he won’t mind. I think we have a spare futon somewhere.”

Iruka stared at him, unable to hide the hope in his large brown eyes. “Are you sure I won’t be a bother?”

“Naw.” Genma waved a hand and smiled. “Just bring whatever you need for school tomorrow.”

“Thank you!”

And then Iruka was hugging him and he had to twist his face awkwardly so as to avoid stabbing the poor guy in the eye with his senbon. He coughed, a little embarrassed. “It’s really not that big of a deal.”

Iruka peeled himself off the special jōnin, blushing. “I’m sorry, it’s just that,” he shook his head and didn’t continue, instead moving around the room to pick up things he thought he’d need. _It’s just that I didn’t think I had any friends left who’d do something like that for me._

 

The woman was in bed, and Hound was in the child’s bedroom. The little girl looked like an angel with her golden curls haloed out over the pillow and pink dusting over her cheeks illuminated by the soft glow of a unicorn shaped nightlight. She clutched a teddy bear in her tiny hands, and breathed an innocent sigh as she turned slightly in her sleep. 

The room was making Hound feel nauseous. It was covered roof to floor with cotton candy shades of pink, and boasted more frills than he’d ever seen before. He scanned the room warily with his sharingan, and saw nothing to protect the little girl. Either the mother was stupid, or just unbelievably trusting. The mission hadn’t said why he needed to kill the kid, but the fact that the client was willing to pay A-rank fees for it said she was of some importance.

He felt nothing as he slipped the needle under her skin. Neither did she, simply turning over onto her other side before breathing her last sigh. He waited until he was sure she wouldn’t breathe again then slid back out the window. It would take him another couple of days to get home, and there was a particular window in Konoha he was aching to slip through. Hound grinned under the mask. He didn’t stop to think about the mother who would wake up to find her whole world had been destroyed.


	14. Chapter 14

Hound glanced around the empty bedroom, snarling. This was wrong. His chūnin was supposed to be here and waiting for him, not off somewhere else. He could call Pakkun, but he had the feeling that the stupid pug didn’t appreciate what he was doing and wouldn’t help him.

He paced angrily around the room and kicked the wall, putting a large dent in the plaster and causing a photograph to fall off the shelf and smash, littering the floor with glass. He picked it up and scowled. The chūnin and the kyuubi, grinning and standing much too close together, waved at him from within the frame. _They_ didn’t have any right to be so happy.

The picture did jolt his memory, though. His chūnin was a workaholic, he’d forgotten that. The masochistic fool chose to sit behind a desk and file missions and seemed to enjoy being trapped in a classroom with thirty screaming snotty children.

He stalked out of the bedroom and into the lounge, checking the clock. Perfect. In half an hour the little brats at the academy would be sent out to lunch. He settled down to wait.

 

Iruka had settled back into his routine. He felt like he was intruding a little bit, staying with Genma and Raidō, so he tried he best to find things to do elsewhere and only turn up to sleep. They insisted on cooking him dinner and making him lunch, and he felt more than once that they were treating him like a child the way they fussed over him. It was nice, being looked after, although he wished that Raidō was the only one who cooked because   
Genma had a penchant for attempting complicated and original dishes that tasted strange and were quite often burnt.

He was surprised at the way Raidō shovelled back Genma’s food and heartily praised the taste until the older man confided in him that he’d invented a jutsu that numbed your tastebuds for a little while. The only thing he had to deal with was the texture, which could get quite bad in and of itself. Iruka was extremely appreciative to learn this jutsu, even though it was incredibly weird to put food in your mouth and not be able to taste anything. He figured it’d be a handy thing to know when Kakashi started learning to cook.

Kakashi he didn’t want to think about. He was aware that the two jōnin avoided mentioning that name while Iruka was around, and he was thankful of that. He was extremely nervous about what would happen when the silver haired nin returned, and he felt incredibly useless. He had absolutely no control over anything that was happening to him, except for his class. They were an anchor of normality that he could cling to, and so far he’d manage to hide his trepidation from them.

“Put that down, Moegi,” he roared, without turning away from the board. “And I want you to write a hundred times ‘I will not sneak weapons into the classroom. And if I do, I won’t get caught.’ If you had been captured and this was a prison you would just have lost your main chance at getting out alive.”

“But Iruka-sensei,” Moegi whined, “It’s not mine. Konohamaru gave it to me.”

He turned around and fixed her with a stern gaze. “And ratting on your teammates is also something you must never do. A team that does not stand together is a team that will fail. You just caused the possible torture and death of one of your team members.” He swivelled his gaze to Konohamaru. “Although you shouldn’t have snuck in that kunai in the first place. You must write a hundred times ‘I must obey the team captain. The rules are there for a reason.’ Got it?”

Iruka faced the rest of the class as Konohamaru squeaked an objection, eyeballing them one at a time. He enjoyed the way they shrunk back slightly from his gaze. It was the first time he’d felt really and truly in control of anything for a while. “That goes for all of you. I am like the team captain you will have while you are out in the field, once you become ninjas. Questioning your captain or directly disobeying orders can be fatal.”

The class shifted in their seats uneasily as Iruka turned back to the board to continue with the lesson he’d been teaching before he was interrupted, a plan he’d created himself on grammar and punctuation. He was sick of wading through barely literate reports so he was doing his best to force the next generation of ninja to at least be able to spell. And if he kept making them write lines for wrongdoings perhaps their handwriting would get a little better. He didn’t think that previous teachers had focused much on getting the children to learn how to read and write past the basic stages, which would at least explain Kakashi’s unreadable scrawl. Although he sometimes suspected the incorrigible Copy-nin did it on purpose just to rile him up.

The bell tolled for lunch and he waved the children out, sinking down into his chair with a sigh after they’d gone. He didn’t really want to spend lunch alone in his classroom anymore, but he had lesson plans to adapt and if he suddenly turned up in the teachers lounge they’d all look at him strangely. He wasn’t really known for being social while in school. 

He pulled his lunch out of his bag, and couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him. The bento was shaped to look like a chibi Genma and wasn’t half bad. The way the rice seemed more than a little undercooked and the senbon sticking out of chibi Genma’s mouth was actually a senbon and not food made to look like one told Iruka that the special jōnin himself had been the one to make it for him. He smiled softly. They were maybe a little misguided in the ways they were trying to help him out but the two jōnin had an odd ability to cheer him up without even being there.

“That’s Crow,” a voice said from behind him. “Shiranui Genma.”

“Yes,” Iruka said happily, turning to face the person who’d spoken. His smile froze when he found himself face to face with a familiar porcelain dog mask. “K-Kakashi?” _Oh gods, I hope so. He wouldn’t do anything to me here, right? We’re in a classroom._

Hound picked up the bento and flung it at the far wall. The box dropped to the floor and rice splattered across the wall, senbon stuck point first in plaster, quivering. “Why are you eating Genma?”

Iruka stared at him, mouth open. “He made it for me,” he said when he finally found his voice.

Hound hit him. He heard the crunch of bone as his nose cracked and felt searing pain flare up behind his eyes. He squeezed them shut and dropped his head, hoping that would alleviate some of the pain. He figured if Hound had hit him full strength he’d be missing his entire face, so it at least seemed like he wasn’t going to be killed. “He was just – being friendly. To make – me smile,” he whispered, pausing to cough up the blood that was dripping into his mouth.

Hound gripped his chin in clawed fingers and jerked it up, so he was forced to look into the blank mask. The ANBU radiated fury, although it was kept so close to his body Iruka was probably the only one who could feel it. He was doing it on purpose, he realised. He was powerful enough to hide his chakra this well even though he was so mad it was leaking.

“You can’t be friendly with him. You’re my chūnin.”

He didn’t argue, couldn’t. There was really no point. Hound was forming seals, creating some sort of glowing barrier around the perimeter of the classroom, and Iruka was suddenly very afraid. He was alone, and no one would be coming to help him. His nose stung, his eyes threatened to water, and he could taste the coppery tang of blood over his lips and in his mouth.

“My chūnin.” Hound was tugging on his pants, and Iruka felt his muscles freeze up. _This can’t happen. Not in my classroom. How will I teach in here again?_ His mind woke up and suddenly he was struggling, reaching for something, anything, to hit the ANBU with. 

His flailing hand found a stapler which he managed to hit his aggressor with, in the shoulder. It did nothing but aggravate the ANBU more, giving him more than enough reason to tie up his hands with the rope Iruka himself had conveniently placed beside the desk for the afternoons knot-tying lesson.

Iruka’s pants were pushed down to his ankles and the air was cold across his legs. Hound twisted him around expertly, shoving him so he was bent over the desk, face down. The movement jarred his balls against the edge of it and he squeaked in pain. He was starting to feel dizzy and his nose still hadn’t stopped bleeding.

Hound ran his hands over the backs of his legs and around his bottom, scraping the skin in what would be a gentle way had he not still been wearing his clawed gloves. As it was, everywhere his fingers went they left a trail of bright red scratches, not quite deep enough to draw much blood but enough to make sure it would be painful to sit down for the next few days.

Gloved hands grabbed a smooth round buttock each and pulled outwards, spreading him wide and leaving him feeling incredibly vulnerable. A clawed thumb investigated down the crevice and poked lightly at his puckered entrance. Iruka squirmed, catching his balls on the table again as he tried to get away. He’d rather be taken without any preparation than have those hands in those gloves inside him. He knew how sharp the ANBU kept those claws, and they weren’t something he ever wanted anywhere near his privates. “Please don’t,” he groaned, unable to stop himself.

“You don’t give ANBU orders, chūnin. Learn your place,” Hound growled, tangling clawed fingers into his hair and shoving his face down onto the desk. His nose smooshed at an unnatural angle and his dizzy, bloodless mind wondered how hard it was to get blood out of wood.

He screamed as two gloved fingers was pushed into him anyway, and sobbed as Hound crooked them, cutting a line through the tender flesh inside him with the clawed fingertips. He thought feverishly that someone must have heard something by now, but his mind offered the pessimistic realism of Hound being smart enough to include a silencing jutsu in the barrier.

The claws were withdrawn and wiped clean down his leg, and he was reminded that Hound fought using these gloves and they were more than likely contaminated with other peoples blood. He whimpered as the hands gripped his hips, nails breaking the skin, and Hound’s hot length rubbed against his aching backside. He wanted Hound to hurry up and just do this so he could clean up, collapse and cry.

The ANBU thrust into him without warning, ripping another scream from his throat, hands gripping harder and drawing blood. It felt wrong, so wrong. Each movement of Hound’s hips drew an unrestrained cry of pain from his lips as the ANBU’s erection grated along his stinging channel.  
He almost breathed a sigh of relief as Hound began to thrust faster and more erratically, pulling right out before slamming into him, crushing him against the desk. Hound was breathing hard and panting, and Iruka knew that it meant this would be over soon. 

When Hound came Iruka gasped, but nothing more. The semen seeped into the cut inside of him and stung like hell, but his brain phased it out. Hound pulled out and grabbed a handful of Iruka’s shirt, wiping himself clean with it. He pulled up his pants and admired his handiwork for a while before whispering predatorily, “ _My_ chūnin,” dispelling his jutsu and transporting out of the classroom as silently as he’d come.

Iruka slithered down off the desk into a broken pile of chūnin on the floor. He’d been expecting pain, but he hadn’t been expecting that. He let himself cry for a little bit, then used every last bit of his strength to pull himself together. He had fifteen minutes before the kids came back and he’d need to make himself presentable, plus clean up the classroom.

He hoisted himself up using the leg of the desk and found he couldn’t bend well enough to pull up his pants standing. It wasn’t that much of a problem though, because after a couple of wobbling steps he fell back down again. His butt ached, his legs stung, his head throbbed and his nose dripped. But he could do this, dammit.

He’d managed to get his pants up to his knees when Raidō walked in. The jōnin’s eyes widened. “Iruka?” 

He almost asked _what happened?_ but with a sickening lurch of his stomach he already knew. His eyes swept the room taking in the bento on the wall, the blood staining the desk and the chūnin with his hands tied together trying very hard not to cry in the middle of the floor. Iruka’s hair was wild, his nose at an odd angle, and blood was smeared down his face. His pants were around his knees and his wrists rubbed raw underneath the rope. Large brown watery eyes stared up at him. “You need to go to the hospital, Iruka-sensei.”

Iruka shook his head vehemently, the reaction he’d expected. “No,” he croaked out. “No one can know.”

“Alright.” _For now,_ he added silently. Raidō slipped over and wrapped his arms around the chūnin, transporting them into his bathroom. Iruka shivered as the cold tiles touched his bare skin.

Raidō stood up and turned the taps on in the bath, put the plug in and poured in a generous amount of Genma’s favourite bubble bath mix. He then grabbed a washcloth and wet it, wiping the blood off the chūnin’s face. Iruka was crying silently, and Raidō didn’t think he even realised he was doing it. He wrung the washcloth out, sending spirals of pink down the drain. He moved forward again but stopped, hesitant about touching the chūnin’s lower regions. 

He’d done similar things for Genma before and it was routine, but this was Iruka-sensei and it threw him off balance slightly. It just didn’t seem right for the innocent teacher to be this way, and he felt almost as if he was intruding on something he shouldn’t see even though he knew he was helping Iruka by being here. He decided against any touches in personal areas; they weren’t that close as friends and the poor guy had had more unwanted touching in the last month than he should ever have had to go through.

Instead Raidō knelt down and pulled off the unresisting brunet’s sandals, followed by his pants. Iruka made a small noise of protest, and he looked up to smile reassuringly at him. The smile was a flop. Iruka’s nose was at an odd angle, his eyes were shining with tears and there was bruising starting to show around them. He couldn’t smile when faced with that.

“I’m just going to put your nose back, okay? It’ll hurt a little,” Raidō said in a calm and slow voice.

Iruka brought his hand up to touch his nose in wonder, almost as if he hadn’t realised it was broken. Raidō gently moved the hand away and after a moments study, snapped the nose hard to the left. Iruka let out a cry of surprise, which the jōnin ignored, focusing on flowing healing chakra into his hand. He wasn’t the best medical ninja but he knew enough, and he knew enough about Iruka to know that he wouldn’t go to anyone else for help. In fact, the only reason he was letting Raidō help was probably because he didn’t have the energy to run.

“Now I’m going to take off your shirt and put you in the bath.” Raidō spoke in soothing tones while doing as he described. “You’re going to stay here while I go send your class home, clean your classroom and get Genma to take over my class. I’ll be back as soon as possible, got it?”

Iruka, whose eyes had closed the moment he was settled into the water, opened them so he was peering out of slits. “That’s too much. You can’t do that much for me, Rai.”

“Don’t be stupid, it’s nothing,” Raidō waved him off. “All you gotta do is not drown. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

 

Kakashi sunk to the floor, exhausted. He was in Iruka’s bathroom again, but he was too afraid to check and didn’t have enough energy to send out tendrils of chakra to feel if Iruka was there. He had a sinking feeling that he would be.

He struggled out of his uniform and stepped into the now familiar shower. He’d promised Iruka he wouldn’t run, and he wouldn’t. He just needed a little time to collect himself, and the shower would give him that. After that he could go cuddle his chūnin and make him feel all better. He was being cowardly, but he figured Iruka wouldn’t want him to dirty his bed anyway.

 

Genma was explaining how he poisoned his senbon to a group of interested genin when Raidō ran up to him, gasping for breath. “Gen, you need to take over my class,” he panted.

Genma raised one eyebrow. “Can I ask why?” He almost added that he’d need to be paid back for it with a horizontal dance but stopped when he saw his lover’s eyes. He was in absolute panic mode, and as far as he knew Raidō didn’t even _have_ an absolute panic mode. “Rai, what’s wrong?”  
Raidō grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the kids. “Hound came back. Iruka… it’s pretty bad, I need to go home and patch him up a bit. I don’t like the idea of leaving him alone for too long.”

“Okay.” Genma pulled the senbon out of his mouth and gave him a quick kiss, sensing he needed some kind of reassurance and forgetting they were out in public. “What about Iruka-sensei’s class?”

“I sent them home, said he got food poisoning. If he even ate your food it would probably be true. I know you put a senbon in there, and I doubt you washed it.” Raidō tried to smile.

“Well I licked it clean, isn’t that enough?” Genma said defensively, then sighed. “Go home and look after him. I’ll deal with your brats.”

“Thank you Genma. I will make it up to you, I promise.”

Raidō transported himself away for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. It was starting to make him feel dizzy, and he decided he wouldn’t be doing it again in a hurry.

Genma stared at where he had been for a little while, and then did the same. He really disliked kids, but he’d watch over a class for a couple of hours for Raidō. And for Iruka. He wanted to kill Kakashi for what he was doing to all of them.

 

Iruka sunk down into the bubbles. It stung, the water burning everywhere he’d been cut, but at the same time it felt so good. When Raidō had healed his nose he’d also inadvertently got rid of some of his headache, and he no longer felt so dizzy. It was nice to be weightless in the water because he knew as soon as he got out he would be heavy again, and aching all over.

He scrubbed at his skin everywhere Hound had touched, paying careful attention to his backside. He’d never been so grateful to anyone as he had when Raidō had walked into his classroom and taken him away without commenting. If his students had found him like that… he didn’t even know what he would have done. Nothing probably. He was too weak to do anything.

He shuddered at the thought of Naruto finding out. If the blond found out who had hurt him Iruka had no doubt he would try to kill Kakashi, and more than likely succeed. The boy was getting stronger, and somehow he didn’t think Kakashi would put up much of a fight anyway. Then his lover would be dead and the person who was closest to his family would be put in prison.

He was disturbed from his thoughts by Raidō’s return. The older man came into the bathroom carrying a giant fluffy towel and a pile of clothes. “Can you stand up by yourself?” he asked, setting the clothes on the floor and holding the towel stretched out in front of him.

Iruka nodded, not completely sure he could manage it but not wanting to seem weak. He gripped the edge of the tub tightly in both hands and lifted himself up slowly, bringing one foot over the edge and then the other. It was harder than he had thought, and he all but tripped into Raidō’s arms. He would have been embarrassed at being naked in front of the older man but he was so exhausted physically and mentally he just couldn’t find the strength to care.

Raidō wrapped the towel around his body and started to rub him dry gently, somehow knowing it was all he could do to keep standing. He was concentrating so hard on not falling over he didn’t notice Raidō had stopped drying him and was kneeling at his feet with a pair of satin boxers until the older man spoke. “Lift your feet, one at a time. You can lean on me if you like.”

Iruka did as he was told, leaning heavily on the older man’s shoulder. As Raidō slid the material up his legs he wondered at how at ease he was with all of this. He wasn’t bothered very much by Raidō bathing him, drying him, dressing him and seeing him naked. Maybe it was in the way he did it so detachedly.

When he was finished, Raidō stood up and walked around behind him, staring at scratches on the back of his legs. “Can I ask,” he said hesitantly, “What made these? Was it his gloves?” He was careful not to say the name, Hound or Kakashi.

Iruka nodded silently.

“I want to put some salve on them, would you mind? Did he get you anywhere else?”

Iruka flushed a brilliant red and ducked his head down. “He, uh…”

Raidō was surprised. It was the first time Iruka had blushed since he’d found him in the classroom and he couldn’t figure out why. “You need to get antiseptic cream everywhere he scratched you because it’s highly likely it’ll get infected.”

“He cut me inside,” the chunin mumbled, his hands moving automatically to cover his backside.

Raidō followed with his eyes, disgusted that anyone could do _that_. “Shit. Uh, maybe there are antiseptic pills or something?”

“I can’t go to the hospital!” Iruka’s eyes were big and pleading. “They’ll hurt him. I can – if you give me some cream I can do it myself, right?”

Radiou wasn’t surprised that the chūnin was defending that fucker of a Copy-nin because Iruka had always been too nice for his own good, but he was annoyed. The silver haired rapist didn’t deserve his sympathy. “I don’t know if it’s safe to put up there.” Iruka looked crestfallen so he added, “But Gen might know, I can ask him when he gets home if you like.” He didn’t want to think about the reasons Genma would know something like that, but it was highly likely he did.

“Yeah.” Iruka was suddenly very tired. “Could you help me get to bed?”

The older man didn’t answer, just lifted the chūnin’s arm over his shoulder and settled his own arm loosely around the other man’s waist. They hobbled to the bedroom like that, Iruka doing his best not to wince at every step. He wanted to complain that they were giving him too much as Raidō laid him out on the bed – their bed, not the futon he’d been sleeping on for the last few nights – but he didn’t have the strength to protest.  
He startled a little as Raidō poured could cream onto his legs but relaxed as the jōnin rubbed in soothing circles, slowly drifting off to sleep.

 

Kakashi took slow steps down the hall, afraid of what he knew he would find. He was relieved and worried at the same time when he saw that Iruka wasn’t in the bed where he’d expected him to be. He supposed it meant that this time he hadn’t attacked the chūnin, which was a good thing, but where was he? His dazed eyes settled on the clock in the corner and he laughed at himself. Iruka would still be teaching. 

As he curled up under the blankets he was smiling. He felt lighter than he had in a long time.

 

Iruka woke much later to Genma standing over him.

“Sorry to wake you but you really should eat something. I don’t think you ate lunch, did you?” The needle clicked against Genma’s teeth as he talked, and he held out a bowl of soup. He laughed at the dubious expression Iruka gave the bowl. “It’s alright, I didn’t make it. Rai did.”

Iruka blushed lightly, and Genma took that as a good sign that the chūnin would be back to normal soon. “Am I that obvious?” he asked as he took the bowl. “Thank you, though. You two are too kind to me.”

“Yep, afraid so,” Genma said, eyes twinkling. Then he leaned in closer, whispering, “I know I’m a terrible cook. But Raidō has to admit that before I’ll stop forcing him to eat my food. And,” he said this in his normal voice, “You don’t need to thank us. You do a lot for this village without asking for thanks, so it’s the least we can do.”

Iruka ate a spoonful of soup and with it came his appetite. He hadn’t realised how hungry he was before, and he finished quite fast. He watched Genma out of the corner of his eye. There was no way he was going to tell the man that the reason Hound had been so harsh on him was his food.

“I don’t really do so much,” he mumbled. “I’m just a teacher.”

Genma snorted. “What planet are you living on? You teach the kids of this village how not to die, you keep the jōnins in line in the mission room, and you single-handedly saved the soul of the Kyūbi brat.” He didn’t mention how he was possibly making Kakashi a saner person because he wasn’t sure it was true.

“I guess.” Iruka didn’t really agree but he figured he could humour the man seeing as he was in his bed and all. _In his bed? Oh shit._ “I’m sorry, Genma-san, did you want to go to bed? I’ll move, I feel better now.”

He moved to get out of the bed but Genma raised a hand to stop him. “No, you stay here. Rai and I can sleep on the futon.”

Iruka was horrified. “I can’t kick you out of your bed!”

“We’ve slept on worse,” Genma said, shrugging.

He turned to leave, bowl in his hand, signalling the end of the argument. Iruka felt strangely fearful at seeing him go. “Wait!” he cried, then blushed as Genma turned back to him. “Could you, I mean, would you both… sleep with me?” He bowed his head, hiding his face behind curtains of his hair. “It’s a big bed, I won’t be a problem.”

Genma was surprised, but he didn’t show it. He hadn’t thought the chūnin would be ready to share a bed with anyone. He mulled it over for a few minutes. It would definitely piss off Kakashi and it could be kind of awkward in the morning, but the liquid eyed chūnin was hard to say no to when he was blushing and hiding like that. Besides, from what he could see, Iruka had a pretty nice body – but he so wasn’t going to go there.

“I’ll have to ask Rai,” he said eventually. Raidō saw Iruka as a kind of younger brother to be looked after and he wasn’t sure if his partner would be willing to share a bed with him, innocent or no. “I’ll be right back.”

Iruka sunk back into the pillows with a sigh.

Raidō was drying the dishes when Genma walked into the kitchen and set the bowl down on the bench.

“He wants to sleep with us,” Genma said matter-of-factly, and Raidō dropped the cup he’d been drying, his eyes wide. Genma caught it neatly and placed it back in his hands, grinning. “Not like a threesome, you pervert. Just in bed. I don’t think he wants to be left alone.”

“And you just left him alone,” Raidō pointed out. He sighed. “Look, I don’t mind keeping him company. Go back in there and lie with him, but keep your pants on. You are _not_ sleeping naked when we have visitors. I’ll come in when I’ve finished these.” He waved at the dishes.

Genma smiled and spat his senbon so it landed with a thunk in the wall behind his lover before kissing him. “I thought you’d say no.”

Raidō shrugged. “You’ve grown up quite a bit in the last few years, Gen-Gen.” He tapped his lover lightly on the head with the pot he was drying. “I trust you to keep your hands to yourself now, especially in these circumstances. Now go make sure that poor boy isn’t freaking out by himself in there.”

Genma trotted off to the bedroom happily, shedding his hitai-ate, flak jacket and shirt as he went. Iruka was half asleep as he slid in beside him. “Rai’s coming later,” he whispered.

Iruka mumbled something incomprehensible and curled up around him. The chūnin was heavy and his skin felt way too hot against his back but Genma didn’t have the heart to shove him off. 

Raidō grinned at the sight of the chūnin schoolteacher cuddling Genma, who hated cuddling and tried to avoid skin on skin contact unless it was sex. _Cute, much?_ He pulled off his shirt and sunk down on the other side of the bed. Iruka, feeling his weight dip the mattress, shuffled backwards into his arms and dragging Genma with him so he was sandwiched between the two men, Genma muttering something about “pushy chūnin.”

He couldn’t help but be amused. Iruka seemed to crave body contact and he wondered how Kakashi took it. The Copy-nin didn’t appear to him to be one for cuddles. He didn’t want to think about Kakashi, the man needed to be taken out back and shot. He was taking a perverse kind of pleasure in the fact that he was holding the Copy-nin’s boyfriend in his arms right now while Kakashi was probably alone. It wasn’t fair to Iruka, but he couldn’t quite quell the thought and he went to sleep with a smile on his face.


	15. Chapter 15

Iruka woke disoriented and confused, and much too early. He felt warm and safe, but the room didn’t smell right and the moonlight wasn’t shining at the right angle to hit his bed the way it usually did. He stretched his legs out, pointing his toes to the foot of the bed, and the jarring pain that resulted sent his memories of yesterday pouring back into his mind.

He’d been eating his lunch, Hound had come back – here his mind skipped a scene or two – he’d had a bath, Genma had given him dinner and then he’d gone to sleep. With Genma and Raidō. Which would explain why his nose was pressed into long, light brown hair that smelled of cinnamon and sawdust for some absurd reason, and there was a warm presence on his other side although not quite as close.

He untangled his arms as gently as he could from Genma’s torso and flipped onto his back, resisting the urge to groan. _What’s going to happen when he wakes up? How embarrassing._ He’d been snuggling the special jōnin like he was a teddy bear.

Remembering Raidō - _gods I was just cuddling his boyfriend, how am I ever going to live this down?_ – he sneaked a peek to his left and was relieved to see that the older man was still sleeping. Until he opened his eyes and grinned. “Do you feel better?”

Iruka squeaked and felt his face burn red. “Y-yes, Raidō-san.”

“You don’t have to call me that,” the older man said, rolling onto his side so he was facing the quivering chūnin. “You are in my bed, after all.”

Iruka’s cheeks turned a deeper shade of tomato and he wished he could bury his head under the covers and not come out. However he figured that might end up even more embarrassing.

“Cuddling with my poor little Genma,” Raidō continued, but with a smile so that Iruka would know he didn’t really mind.

Iruka wasn’t completely sure about the smile. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t really thinking.”

Raidō shook his head, laughing quietly. “Don’t apologize to me. He’s the one who doesn’t like to be touched.”

Iruka stared down at the still sleeping special jōnin in wonder. “And he let me?”

Raidō shrugged. “You needed comfort, so he let you take it. He sees you as valuable to the village so he’ll do whatever needs to be done to keep you alive and sane.” Iruka looked like he was going to protest so he added, “I think he’s getting used to it anyway. Well, I hope so.”

He looked over at sleeping man with genuine affection in his eyes. Iruka was glad that the two jōnin had each other. He was starting to feel in the way. As far as he knew they hadn’t been intimate since he’d first arrived, and it was probably his presence that stopped them. “Raidō,” he said slowly, realising something else, “My class…”

Raidō placed a heavy hand on the worried chūnin’s head in a comforting, fatherly way. “You have food poisoning. I’ve already got someone to relieve for you today, and you can see how you feel about going back tomorrow.”

Iruka closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. If he told the truth, he never wanted to go back to that classroom, let alone teach in it. He didn’t know if he actually could. The smell of blood filling his senses and the sting of claws on his back and legs would always be in the back of his mind.

“I’ll work on getting your classroom switched with mine,” Raidō said quietly. “I don’t know how, but it should be possible.”

“No,” Iruka said, quietly but firmly. He was not going to let Raidō go out of his way to try and do something that would be impossible without a barrage of awkward questions, just because of his stupid feelings. “It’s fine, I’ll just get a new desk and get the kids to draw new pictures to stick on the walls. Have a little change.” He smiled much too brightly.

“Iruka,” Raidō paused, unsure how to say what he wanted to say. “Don’t push yourself to accept this. What happened isn’t really something you should brush off and pretend to forget about.”

“I know.” Iruka dropped his gaze, his blush long gone. “I need to talk to Kakashi but I don’t think I can handle it just yet.”

“Are you afraid of him?” Raidō asked. If he were in Iruka’s place he would be. Kakashi was not only strong, much stronger than the chūnin, but he also had intelligence to back him up. It was a very brave or very stupid person who would not be afraid of the formidable Copy-nin.

“No.” Iruka’s eyes snapped up to meet his, fire blazing in them. “Kakashi won’t hurt me.” He spoke with such conviction Raidō almost believed him. “It’s his guilt that I can’t handle. When he sees me he’ll know. And he’ll feel so bad… it tears me apart.”

“You believe that he doesn’t know what he’s doing,” Raidō snorted disbelievingly.

Iruka glared at him. “You haven’t seen him. He hates himself for what Hound does to me.”

“He’s a top shinobi. That means he’s a good actor.”

“Without his mask?”

“Eh?”

“Have you ever seen him without his mask?” Iruka demanded.

“Nobody has,” Raidō replied blithely, forgetting who he was speaking to.

“I have,” Iruka snapped, “And when he takes it off he takes off his last layer of defence. He can’t lie to me, and he wouldn’t.”

Raidō suddenly realised it would have been a whole lot smarter just to keep his mouth shut. Iruka was hurting enough as it was without him airing his hatred for the stupid genius, even if he was only trying to protect him. “I’m sorry, Iruka. I didn’t mean to question you.”

Iruka calmed down too, although his heart was still beating a thousand miles a minute. _What on earth was I thinking, getting into an argument with Raidō? He’s helped me so much and I just go and yell at him._ “I’m sorry too.” He scratched the bride of his nose sheepishly. “It’s just, he questions himself enough I don’t need other people doing it too.” He glanced around surreptitiously, trying to find a good way to change the subject. His eyes landed on Genma. “How is he still asleep?” he asked, truly amazed. Shinobi were trained to wake at the slightest sound, but Genma was actually snoring lightly. 

“It’s because he’s home, his senses are dimmed,” Raidō explained, glad that awkward conversation was done with. “And he can feel my chakra, which helps him to relax I guess. We don’t get sent on missions together anymore, so if he can feel me he knows he doesn’t have to be alert. Watch.” He reached over and pulled Genma’s hair. The sleeping man swatted lazily at his hand and rolled over to face them, muttering something that distinctly sounded like ‘don’t Rai’ but not opening his eyes.

Iruka smiled. He wished more than ever that he could leave them alone so they’d have some time together with him interfering but he knew Raidō would never let him go off by himself, not after yesterday. “I’m sorry you got dragged into all this,” he said suddenly. “I did think I could handle it but… he was never like that before. He caught me off guard.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Raidō yawned and rolled over to face away from him. “You should probably get some more sleep, it’s early. Think about what you want to do later.”

Iruka did as he was asked, feeling a little self-conscious about sleeping between the two lovers even if Raidō didn’t seem to care and Genma was dead to the world. It still felt odd, and he wanted to be back in his own bed with Kakashi and forget about this whole messed up situation.

 

When Kakashi woke up he realised he’d slept through the entire afternoon and most of the night. It was about six in the morning now, and he could see the sun beginning to peek above the tips of the trees.

He also realised that Iruka hadn’t come home. The sheets on the far side of the bed were straight and unrumpled, and disgustingly cold. He wondered if the chūnin was avoiding him for some reason. _He must have got stuck doing a night shift, or fallen asleep grading his papers at school,_ he told his panicked mind to calm it down. Common sense told him that no one would give an academy teacher a night shift on a weekday, but Iruka was well-known for taking on other people’s jobs whenever they asked him, whatever they were. He was just too disgustingly nice sometimes.

He climbed out of the bed and searched in Iruka’s drawers for clothes to borrow. He eventually settled on a pair of uniform pants and uniform shirt, knowing they’d fit and feeling slightly uncomfortable about wearing any of Iruka’s casual clothes without permission. It was bad enough he was considering borrowing his chūnin’s underwear (there was no way he was going commando, what if he got into a fight? He’d be all flapping around and stuff, and it’d be majorly uncomfortable) although as he fingered the material of those it kind of turned him on a little.

Once he was fully dressed he headed out to the memorial. Wherever Iruka was at this time of morning – _oh Kami please let him not be sleeping with someone else_ – he wouldn’t want to be disturbed. Even by him. And Obito was always glad to see him, or at least he assumed he was. Must get boring lying around dead all day.

He reached for his porn twice, forgetting that he didn’t take it on ANBU missions and so it had been left behind in his lonely apartment. He didn’t want to go there, not even to pick up his Icha Icha or to get some of his own clothes. It was empty and lonely and would make him feel more Iruka-less than ever. Besides, he didn’t think he had the presence of mind to actually concentrate on reading the words.

“Where is he, Obito?” He crouched down and rubbed his thumb over the names on the stone, so many people he had fought beside and seen destroyed by their job. “Is he safe?”

It was getting harder and harder to resist summoning Pakkun to track Iruka down, just to make sure he was safe, wherever he was. He hung back because he didn’t want Iruka to be mad, and if the chūnin was sleeping with someone else he didn’t actually want to know. He didn’t know what he would do if that happened. Iruka deserved someone who could be there for him all the time and not - _rape_ \- hurt him.

Kakashi sunk down against the stone, resting his back on the smooth surface. “I told him I would be there for him, Obito,” he whispered. “And then he wasn’t there for me.”

Iruka was alone the next time he woke. He slipped out of the bed, realising when his feet hit the floor that he was only wearing a pair of boxers and didn’t have any clothes. He blushed and berated himself for being embarrassed when there wasn’t even anyone else around to see it.

Genma watched him from the doorway, flicking his senbon with his tongue. _He really does have a nice body for an academy teacher,_ he mused. Raidō would probably be mad at him for thinking anything further along those lines though, and Kakashi’d kick his ass if he ever tried something, but it was still nice to look.

That is, until Iruka glanced up and caught him staring, causing the blush to up a notch in terms of brightness. “Uh, Genma-san,” he stuttered, unsure what exactly he was supposed to do in this situation.

Genma took pity on him and reached past the stunned chūnin to rummage around in a drawer. “Here.” He tossed a pair of pants and a shirt over his shoulder, both uniform. He wasn’t really sure the schoolteacher would appreciate his taste in casuals.

“Thank you Genma.” Iruka seemed more at ease wearing clothes, which wasn’t really all that surprising. “Ano, I’m sorry about last night.” He rubbed at the scar on his nose awkwardly.

Genma grinned. “It’s fine, I was just disappointed you didn’t try to grope me. Unless you did?” he asked hopefully. “Once I’m out I’m out, I probably wouldn’t have noticed if you had gone for a quick squeeze.”

The blush had been receding but now it was back full force. It amused Genma greatly. “No! I would never do that to you or Raidō.”

“That’s disappointing,” the special jōnin said, pouting.

Iruka looked startled. _Is he… flirting with me? Why would he do that?_ “Why do you say that?” he asked hesitantly.

Genma’s eyes raked over him in a way that made him glad he was wearing clothes. “You’re good-looking, have a sweet personality and you’re fun to be around when your pervert boyfriend isn’t beating you up,” he said. Genma wasn’t exactly known for his tact. “You’re a little bit young though, I wouldn’t like to drag you into what I like to do. You’ve been through too much of it already.” He chewed his senbon thoughtfully. “Rai really wouldn’t appreciate it, and Kakashi would murder me. You could probably date anyone you wanted if it wasn’t for that Copy-nin.”

Iruka smiled slightly and looked at his feet. “That doesn’t really matter, because the only one I want is Kakashi.”

Genma shook his head. “I don’t know whether to think you’re brave or just stupid.”

“I’d like to think I’m neither,” Iruka said softly. “I think I’m just in love.”

 

It was later than he’d intended when Kakashi left the stone. His mind had gone blank as he’d sat there watching the clouds pass and listening to the birds, and it had been a blessed release from the incessant chatter of his Iruka thoughts.

He found it morbidly amusing that the boy he came here to see hadn’t even been his friend, just someone that put up with him. If he’d lived longer Kakashi liked to think that they could have been friends, mostly on the basis of the Uchiha kid’s forgiving heart. He brought his hand up to his covered eye without realising it. Obito had changed his life more than anyone else, before or after, and he didn’t even know it.

He waved goodbye to the monument lazily and headed off in the direction of the Academy. By the position of the sun Iruka should just about be letting his class go, and he could catch him before he left.

 

“I want to go to work.”

“Raidō says you shouldn’t,” Genma said, flipping a page in his book. He was lying on the couch with his feet in the air while Iruka scowled at him from across the room.

“Do you always do what Raidō-sama tells you to?” Iruka retorted snarkily. He knew he sounded like a petulant little kid but he couldn’t help it.

Genma put his finger on the page to hold his place and looked up, one eyebrow cocked in amusement. “That’s not going to work on me, Iruka-sensei. I trust Rai’s judgement and you really should be thankful for the day off.”

“But I’m bored, and I don’t want to make someone else cover my shift for me when I’m perfectly able to do it myself.”

“I’ll be covering your shift,” Genma said, turning another page. “And I don’t have anything better to do either.”

“If I’m working at the mission desk then I know something better you can do,” Iruka said, smiling triumphantly, “You can do Raidō!”

The thin piece of metal in Genma’s mouth slipped out and impaled a few pages. _Iruka-sensei just said something dirty. Maybe he has been hanging around Kakashi too much._ “Nah, if it comes to that Raidō’ll be the one doing me,” he said nonchalantly, and was pleased when the teacher blushed. _At least something’s still the same._

“How about we go together then?” Iruka suggested hopefully. He wanted to be doing something, and not stuck here staring at the walls with way too much time to think. “I don’t need a guardian, but if you insist there’s no reason you shouldn’t tag along.”

“No.”

“Please? I’ll be good.”

Genma glanced over at the whinging chūnin and immediately wished he hadn’t. He was pouting, lower lip quivering and big brown eyes shining wetly with unshed tears. Genma sighed. “Okay.” _How could anyone resist that face?_

Iruka grinned. Apparently that trick didn’t only work on Kakashi. “Thanks Genma,” he said cheerily.

The special jōnin just shook his head, knowing he’d been duped. By a chūnin. _It might be a good trick to learn,_ he mused.

 

Kakashi had arrived at the Academy in time to see Iruka packing up the materials he’d used for class. He’d swung in through the window and seen that the person was not, in fact, Iruka. He may have been a bit harsh in his questioning of the frightened chūnin, but it was only because he was panicking.  
The chūnin teacher told him shakily that Iruka had gone home yesterday with food poisoning – _It must have been that purple thing he was trying to convince me was edible,_ his mind supplied – and taken the day off today. That was fine, except Iruka _hadn’t_ gone home yesterday, because he’d been at Iruka’s home yesterday.

He shot off to the hospital, even though he was quite certain Iruka would not have gone there unless it was so bad he had to get his stomach pumped. The nurses were adamant they hadn’t seen his boyfriend in a long time ( _oh, that teacher is so sweet and polite,_ one of the nurses swooned) and he had definitely not been admitted in the past two days.

As the last of his resolve faded into panic he bit the bullet and summoned Pakkun. He’d deal with the repercussions later.

“Hey Boss, what do you want?” Pakkun was giving his hind leg a tongue bath and seemed more interested in that than anything else.

“Find Iruka,” Kakashi snarled.

Pakkun looked up in surprise, his tongue still hanging half out his mouth. “You’re stalking the poor guy now? Did you not wear the right clothes or something?”

Kakashi growled at him. “He didn’t come home last night, okay? Just find him.”

“Okay, okay.” The pug sniffed around a bit. “You smell like him, Boss.”

“I know,” Kakashi gritted out. “Just do it.”

“Fine.”

He started out at a trot but as he felt Kakashi’s frustration leak out into his chakra he started to run. “You need to work on that Boss, you’re scaring people.”

“I don’t care,” the jōnin spat, his eyes on the little pug and nothing else. He didn’t notice the people stepping out of his way as fast as they could, wide eyed and staring. He didn’t care if he was ruining his reputation as a lazy, good-for-nothing pervert. He was building on the ‘bat-shit crazy jōnin’ rep instead.  
His eyes narrowed as Pakkun led him into the Mission Room. Iruka loved his kids, so why would he not go to school and yet still do Mission Room duty? It didn’t make sense. He pushed the thought aside, relieved to catch sight of dark hair caught up in a bushy ponytail. Perhaps he’d been sick this morning and just now felt better. His chūnin didn’t like taking more time off work than he had to.

The room was fairly empty, caught in a lull between rushes, so Pakkun walked up to the desk, jumped up and sat down in front of Iruka. He glanced at Iruka, who was grading papers, at Genma, who was leaning back on the legs of his chair and looking utterly bored, and at Kakashi, who was standing behind him watching Iruka with an unreadable expression and stealing glances at Genma.

 _So he can smell it too,_ the pug thought. _This isn’t going to be good._ He fake coughed to get the chūnin’s attention, and the man looked up immediately.

“I’m sorry I – Pakkun-san?”

Iruka looked past the pug to where Kakashi was standing. The Copy-nin was watching him with an odd look in his eye and he wasn’t sure that he was ready to talk to him just yet.

“Good afternoon, Iruka-sensei,” said the little dog. He figured he should ask it since Kakashi wasn’t exactly the gentlest interrogator, even if he’d rather not get involved with the stupid genius’ love life. “Why do you smell like Shiranui-san?”

Iruka blushed, unsure how to answer that without making things awkward. Genma answered for him. “He had to borrow some clothes after he got,” he glared at Kakashi and stressed the next words, “Food poisoning.”

Kakashi caught his tone and scrutinized Iruka further. His earlier euphoria at believing he hadn’t touched the teacher while in ANBU mode had all but evaporated. Apparently Genma thought he had. He placed his hands flat on the desk, one either side of his nin-dog, and leaned forward so their noses were almost touching. He didn’t miss the way Genma snapped alert at his movement.

“’Ruka, drop the henge,” he commanded.

“W-what?” Iruka squeaked.

“You’re hiding something. There’s a concentrated area of chakra over your face.”

Iruka looked down at his knees and Kakashi brought one hand up to his hitai-ate. “I can always just see through it using this,” he said, beginning to lift the band.

“Don’t bother,” Iruka said quietly, dispelling the henge. He knew he should have used foundation to hide the bruising instead, but he’d felt too embarrassed to buy any and in any case he wouldn’t have known how to apply it.

Kakashi reached out and tilted his chūnin’s chin upwards with a barely steady hand. Iruka met his eyes and didn’t look away, giving him a good view of the bruises under his eyes. “Did I do that?” he asked, his voice soft but his chakra swirling around him in choppy agitated waves.

Iruka flinched, and Pakkun glared at his master. “Baka! I told you to control that!”

“No,” Iruka said firmly, doing his best to stay calm.

“Then who did?” Kakashi whipped around, realising he could also smell his chūnin on Genma and hating the man for it. “Did you do it?” He stalked toward the special jōnin, grabbing the front of his jacket.

“Stop, please.” Iruka laid a restraining hand on his arm. “Genma was just helping. Hound broke my nose.”

Kakashi turned back to his lover angrily. “You just said I didn’t do it.”

Iruka glared at him. “You’re not Hound.”

“But I -”

“You. Are. Not. Hound.”

Kakashi stared at him for a while before disappearing with a loud pop in a cloud of smoke. Pakkun disappeared after him, grumbling “Stupid brat.”

Genma watched them both go with interest before turning to Iruka. “What just happened?”

Iruka shook his head, a little dazed. “I’m not exactly sure.”

 

Kakashi was back in Iruka’s apartment and he was fuming. He’d hurt his Iruka again. What had he said, _Hound broke my nose?_ Broke his nose. Fuck. And no doubt raped him while he was at it. If Hound was angry enough to do something like that there was no way he’d stop there. He couldn’t keep living like this and stepping all over Iruka. But even if he walked away from all this – not that he could even if he wanted to, he desired Iruka much too much – Hound wouldn’t stop, and Iruka would grow to hate him. He was amazed that the chunnin didn’t already hate him, actually.

He stalked into the bathroom, picked up his mask, and performed another jutsu.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the halfway point of all the chapters I've currently written, if you're wondering how long this story goes for. And I haven't quite finished writing, though it's close.

Tsunade had been doing her best to calm down the irate businessman who’d stormed into her office indignantly for over half an hour, so she was equal parts annoyed and grateful for the distraction when Hatake Kakashi appeared in front of her desk.

Her mood quickly changed to alarmed as she realised he was visibly shaking with anger. The businessman stared at the newcomer in open-mouthed amazement.

“I can’t do this anymore,” he said, voice cold and hard as steel.

Tsunade’s hands reached out automatically to catch the thing he tossed at her. His ANBU mask. “Kakashi…”

“No! Have you _seen_ him?” His hands were shaking, as was his voice, which was rising higher in pitch.

“Seen who?” Tsunade asked calmly. It wasn’t good for one of her best shinobi to be breaking down in front of a potential client, but if there wasn’t anything she could do about it she’d damn well get some answers.

Kakashi kept talking as if she’d never interrupted. “Have you seen how much I hurt him? I can’t go on doing it, I’ll break him and then there will be nothing left, _nothing.” Nothing for me to live for. Nothing to come home to._

“Who are you talking about, Hatake?” Tsunade barked, confused like never before. _Crazy Jōnins._

He didn’t reply, just grabbed her by the arm and dragged her across the hall into the Mission Room. She let him, knowing that if she really wanted she could make him let go but wanting to get away from the infuriating man still standing in her office. This seemed like a good enough excuse to make him wait for her.

“Look at him,” Kakashi demanded, and she looked to find herself staring at a shocked looking Umino Iruka, of all people. He hadn’t bothered to reapply the henge and she could see the discolouration that was the start of two black eyes. _What on earth is going on around here?_

“You’ve been beating up academy teachers,” she said blankly, trying to get a handle on why she was here.

“No more,” Kakashi said ferociously, grabbing his mask back out of her hand and stomping on it as hard as he could. When this produced only the tiniest crack in the porcelain he went through the hand seals for a chidori and burnt it to a crisp, along with the section of floor that was unfortunate enough to be underneath it. “No more ANBU,” he said firmly, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at her. He was standing with his back straight for once, and at his full height he looked quite formidable.

The whole room was silent, all eyes trained on the Copy-nin. Tsunade spoke first. “You could have just asked to quit, brat.” She looked from Iruka to Kakashi then back to Iruka. Something obviously needed to be sorted out there. The poor chūnin looked like he was in a state of shock. “I want both of you to go home and sort out whatever the hell your problem is. You’re taking three days enforced holiday and after that time I expect to see you both in my office to explain.”

That seemed to jar Iruka out of his stupor. “No,” he gasped.

She raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you challenging my authority, Iruka-sensei?”

He flushed red but powered forward. There was no way he’d lose this battle. If she found out that Kakashi had done more than just punch him in the face she might feel obligated to lock him up or send him to Ibiki. It was an unforgivable crime to purposely injure a fellow leaf shinobi. “I’m sorry, Tsunade-sama, but there’s really nothing the matter. You don’t need to waste your time on this silly argument.”

Tsunade did not count a face off where one of her strongest ninja interrupted a meeting and destroyed an ANBU mask as a ‘silly argument’ but seeing Iruka’s closed face she realised that he would never tell her anything anyway. It might be best to just check up on this particular problem in secret. “Fine,” she said, waving a hand at them in a gesture to leave. “Your time off starts now, so get out of here. I don’t want to find out either of you have been causing any trouble.” She’d talk to Jiraiya about it, see what he knew, she decided.

“But my shift -” Iruka protested.

“Shiranui can finish it,” she cut him off. “Now leave.”

“Yes Hokage-sama,” he said humbly, bowing his head.

 

It felt almost weird to be alone with Kakashi again. Iruka was nervous, and it was made worse by the fact that Kakashi wasn’t talking to him. They were walking in silence, a respectful distance apart, and Iruka wanted to close that gap but he had no idea how. Kakashi was still radiating anger, but there was something else underneath it.

Iruka closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and slipped his hand into the older man’s. Kakashi jerked back slightly, surprised, before looking down at their joined hands then up into his face. “Why did you do that?” He curled his fingers around the warm hand protectively. He didn’t understand why Iruka would trust him enough to want to hold his hand but now that he had he didn’t want to let go.

“I want to be close to you,” Iruka said simply.

“But I hurt you?” He’d been watching the chūnin closely out of the corner of his eye and he had a definite limp, although he was hiding it well. _He must be in pain._

Iruka smiled up at him. “’Kashi, it doesn’t matter.”

The combination of that smile and the nickname sent warm tingles through him, although he’d definitely have to set the chūnin straight about what did and did not matter. He didn’t want to simply walk anywhere anymore, there were too many other people around, so he gathered his lover in his arms and transported them both into the chūnin’s living room.

Iruka’s mouth was hanging slightly open in surprise from the impromptu jutsu so Kakashi took the opportunity to yank down his mask, push the chūnin against the wall and get his tongue into that inviting opening. The day had been stressful and his nerves were frayed. This was exactly what he wanted.  
He stopped when he realised Iruka wasn’t kissing him back, and the whimpering noises he was making weren’t exactly sounds of pleasure. He pulled back to stare into wide, round brown eyes. The only thing he could see in them was fear. _Shit._

He backed up quickly, hands already forming seals to get out of there.

“Stop, Kakashi,” Iruka said quietly. “No running, remember?”

Kakashi paused, effectively dispelling the jutsu. He had promised, and that was the least he could do. He perched uneasily on the edge of the couch, unsure what he was supposed to do. “Sorry.”

He had his head bowed so he only heard Iruka cross the room and sit as close to him as possible, thighs touching, and take one of his hands. “It’s alright, you just surprised me.”

Kakashi shook his head, not looking up. “I scared you.”

“Yes, I…” he couldn’t deny it, he’d frozen in absolute terror when Kakashi had lunged at him. “I don’t mind if you kiss me, just give me a bit of warning first. No surprises.”

“May I kiss you then?” Kakashi asked hesitantly, looking up.

Iruka drew in a breath. Without his mask Kakashi really was naked. He wasn’t used to hiding emotion in his whole face, and he probably didn’t even notice that he was worrying his bottom lip in his teeth nervously. “Yes,” he breathed, and leaned forward.

Kakashi captured his lips gently, reverently, as if he was afraid the privilege would be taken away from him if he was at all demanding. Iruka found it sweet and endearing, and left the kiss as light and fluttery as the jōnin was ready to make it. He’d get his confidence back eventually, so for now Iruka was content to experiment with this new, hesitant Kakashi. 

“Can you,” Kakashi’s hand stroking across his face was so light he wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t imaging it, and it made it hard to process thoughts properly, “Can you tell me what I did to you, yesterday? Because I’m sure I did more than just break your nose.”

Iruka pulled away. He couldn’t tell him that, he just couldn’t. Kakashi would never forgive himself. “No,” he whispered. “If you really want to know, ask Raidō. But I can’t tell you.”

He buried his face in Kakashi’s shirt, breathing in the familiar smell to try and calm himself, only to realise Kakashi was wearing one of his own shirts.

“If you won’t tell me, can you show me?” Kakashi asked, trailing feather light touches up his lover’s back, still in slight disbelief that he was allowed to be here with this wonderful man after all the hideous things he’d done to him.

“You want me to strip?” Iruka asked hesitantly. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that.”

“I can be naked too if that would make you feel better,” Kakashi suggested. “I’m not trying to push you into anything, I just want to make sure you’re okay with my own eyes.”

“I’m not sure.” It was weird, somehow he felt that he owed this to Kakashi even though he was the one who’d been hurt. He’d do anything to help this messed up silver haired hero to become confident in himself again. “I’ll try, though.”

Iruka unzipped his flak jacket and hung it over the arm of the couch, pushing his – Genma’s – shirt up and over his head, shivering slightly as the cold air hit his body. It felt odd and mildly uncomfortable to be just standing there and having Kakashi run his eyes up and down his chest.

The jōnin was satisfied he hadn’t touched this part of his chūnin while he’d been Hound, but that made him worry about the other parts. His chest was nice though, and the lower parts of his anatomy were certainly taking note of the tanned skin stretched taut over muscle and the cold-hardened nipples. He ran his fingers over one experimentally and Iruka shivered. This was nothing like the calm and detached way that Raidō had treated him. Kakashi’s eyes were hungry.

Kakashi placed his hands on his chūnin’s hips and turned him around gently, noting with relief that his back hadn’t been touched either. He was unable to stop himself from tracing the contours of muscular shoulders down the spine to the dip above his bottom. He ran his fingers over the large shuriken scar, knowing the skin was extra sensitive and delighting when Iruka shivered.

He leaned in closer to kiss it, and that’s when he noticed tiny marks around Iruka’s hips, like he’d been held there tightly. He studied them carefully. They weren’t finger-marks, as he’d guessed, but looked more like claws. _ANBU gloves?_

He tugged the waistband of Iruka’s pants a little lower, and the chūnin let him. As he’d thought, four red dents on the front of his side and one on the back. They looked pretty well healed though, well past just scabbing over, as if the marks were caused a week ago and not a day ago. He kissed the marks, one by one, and looked up to see Iruka staring down at him. “Are these old?” he asked, unsure because he didn’t remember seeing them before on his chūnin’s perfect body.

Iruka shook his head. Kakashi wondered about that, but didn’t push it any further. He had to be on his best behaviour if he wanted to stay here. “Will you take these off?” he asked, tugging at his pants again. He didn’t want to frighten the younger man, but he had to see.

Iruka turned away from him and very slowly dropped his pants to the ground and shuffled out of them. Kakashi made a noise of surprise. “Satin boxers?”

“They’re Genma’s.” Iruka watched him carefully for a reaction, and decided that the lack of expression was dangerous so went on to explain. “Hound kind of… ruined mine.”

“Hn.” Kakashi was reminded that he was wearing Iruka’s underwear so it probably wasn’t that big of a deal, but still. He didn’t like the idea of anything that that pervert wore touching his chūnin. “I don’t like them. Take them off.”

“Kakashi…” Iruka felt incredibly exposed standing there in what weren’t even his underwear while the jōnin sat on the couch fully clothed watching him. It was embarrassing and reminding him that Hound never took anything off either, fucking him with even the porcelain mask still in place. He bowed his head to stare at the floor. “I’d feel better if you took something off too.”

Kakashi didn’t have a problem with taking his clothes off. It was just that if he was naked, and Iruka was naked, then he’d have a hard time convincing his libido that nothing X-rated was going to happen. And the most important thing was not to startle Iruka. But then again, if his lover wanted him naked he was fine with that. He efficiently stripped off all of his clothes, leaving only his hitai-ate covering the sharingan, and sat back down on the couch. “Better?”  
Iruka stared. He hadn’t meant the man had to strip completely. It actually was better, in a way. It was still weird, but he felt a little bit more comfortable now. “Thank you.”

“Meh,” Kakashi said, waving a hand uselessly, “Now get rid of those. I don’t want to see them again.”

Iruka heard the threat even though the tone was nonchalant and was reminded of how Hound had reacted to the Genma-shaped bento. He wondered if Kakashi would do the same as he slipped off his last piece of clothing and stood with his hands cupped over his privates. It wasn’t like Kakashi hadn’t seen them before, but this was weird.

Kakashi turned him around so he was facing the other way and ran his hands over his butt and down the backs of his legs. The thin scratches were barely noticeable. “How were these healed so fast?” he asked, comparing them to the marks above Iruka’s hips.

“I don’t know,” Iruka said honestly. “Raidō put something on them to stop them getting infected and it all healed faster than I expected.”

“Raidō was touching you?” Kakashi couldn’t help but get jealous. Nobody was allowed to touch his chūnin but him. It was bad enough that he stunk of Shiranui.

“Yes,” Iruka said firmly, pulling the jōnin’s fingers one by one from his sides where they were clutching a little too tight. “He helped me because I could barely walk by myself let alone treat my injuries. They needed to be cleaned immediately because of what made them.” He felt terrible for confronting Kakashi with Hound’s dirty work, but he needed to be made to understand that Raidō was just being a good friend.

 _Because he was cut by ANBU claws,_ Kakashi realised. _Prone to cause infection, although I clean them as well as I can. Raidō must have used ANBU issue cream, it’s the only thing that would let him heal this fast._ “Did he get all the places I hurt you?”

Iruka blushed, and cursed his tell-tale skin. “Well, no.”

“No?” Kakashi raised an eyebrow. Not really the answer he’d been expecting. He’d inspected Iruka and although he flinched at all the marks he’d touched - _I caused these_ \- they didn’t seem particularly bad. “Show me where.” He gestured for his chūnin to move forward, because he had stepped back at his last admission.

Iruka moved closer awkwardly, and Kakashi pulled him down so he was sitting in his lap. “You can tell me,” he whispered, searching the deep brown eyes for an answer with his lone gray one.

Iruka leaned his head against a pale flat chest and hid his eyes. “Inside,” he whispered.

“Inside?” Kakashi repeated dumbly. _Surely he doesn’t mean I cut him up there._

Iruka just nodded. _Shit._ “Does it still hurt?”

Another nod. “Will you let me make it feel better?”

Iruka looked up. “How? Rai said he didn’t know if it was okay to put cream there.”

“You would let Raidō put his fingers inside of you,” Kakashi said, his voice dangerously flat.

“No, I’d do it myself. I just didn’t know if it was safe.”

Kakashi relaxed a fraction. “Well, I’m not going to use that stuff, though it probably would help.”

“Then what are you going to do?” Iruka asked, nervous. He was quite content to sit on Kakashi’s lap, but if he was honest with himself he really didn’t want the jōnin to go anywhere near his ass for a while at least.

Kakashi held up two fingers and channelled chakra into them so they glowed green. “Heal you.” In the back of his mind he realised Iruka hadn’t actually said yes yet. “If you’ll let me.”

Iruka stared at the fingers dubiously. He really didn’t want to, but he knew it was a bad idea to let a cut that deep go untreated, especially in the place it was and considering the weapon it was inflicted with. “I guess,” he said slowly. He leaned forward and buried his face in the jōnin’s bare shoulder.

“Hey.” Kakashi snaked his arms around his chūnin’s back, pulling him close so their chests were touching. “I’ll be gentle. And it doesn’t have to lead to anything else.”

Iruka snuggled into the delicious pale neck, the warm familiar scent actually making him feel a little better. “I know you’ll be gentle,” he mumbled into the rise of a collarbone, “But it doesn’t seem to make it any easier.”

Kakashi instructed his brain to keep a good grip of the blood in his body. Having a sexy naked sensei on his lap cuddling in to him might be enough to give him an erection, but having an erection also might be enough to scare said naked sensei away. “Would it help if I give you a massage first?”

Kakashi ran his hands lightly up and down his chūnin’s back, keeping well above the waist. A back massage was a double win for him. It was likely to make Iruka feel sleepy and comfortable enough to let him inside, and even if it didn’t he’d still get to run his hands all over his sexy naked chūnin.

“Okay,” Iruka agreed, “But you have to carry me to my room. I don’t want it on the couch.”

The Copy-nin thought about it for a while. He’d like to carry Iruka, but if he picked him up the way he was sitting now his chūnin’s crotch would be rubbing against his stomach as he walked and his dick didn’t need any more incentive to get excited. His chakra was already working double time to divert the blood flow.

Thinking it too risky, he performed a transportation jutsu. Which also turned out to be a bad idea, because it made Iruka cling to him and let out a highly erotic (at least to his ears) gasp.

And when the chūnin finally got his bearings and muttered, “Stupid jōnin, using flashy tricks for no reason,” he pretended not to hear.

Kakashi worked on getting untangled from his lover and pushed him face down on the bed as fast as he could. In this position Iruka wouldn’t notice his arousal and he could slink off to the shower for a while after his chūnin fell asleep. He knew he wouldn’t be getting any tonight and it would be best if Iruka didn’t know he was horny.

“Look in the top drawer,” Iruka said, voice muffled by the pillow and pointing in the vague direction of his dresser.

Kakashi did as instructed and returned triumphant with a bottle of massage oil. It would work well not only to loosen up his muscles and let down his guard but also to ease the way into his body when the time came. He shook his head to try and rid himself of any dirty thoughts but gave up as his gaze returned to the form on the bed. _Gods, Iruka is beautiful._

The tanned man was stretched out full length over the bed, muscles taunt and smooth. Kakashi had to work hard to tear his gaze away from the beautiful mounds of flesh that was Iruka’s ass. 

“I’m waiting,” said the muffled voice, sounding slightly annoyed. Kakashi pegged it as embarrassed annoyance, but Iruka was getting more frightened than embarrassed. If Kakashi wasn’t touching him he had no idea where he was or what he was doing and that made him edgy. He was face down and naked, and couldn’t really be in a more vulnerable position.

“Hm.” Kakashi’s weight settled on his thighs and he felt a cool wave of relief wash over him. It occurred to him that he probably shouldn’t be relieved that Kakashi was sitting on him – and naked, how could he forget that – but the thought disappeared when the jōnin started rubbing his shoulders with slick hands.

He let out a low moan as Kakashi released a particularly big knot over his shoulder blade and decided if the Copy-nin ever decided to retire he could make a lot of money as a masseuse with all the knowledge of the body his taijutsu training had given him. He changed his mind almost immediately, deciding that he was the only one who would ever get to feel the Copy-nin’s wonderful hands. 

Kakashi nearly came when Iruka moaned and twitched underneath him. He imagined burying himself in the beautiful chūnin and having him thrust back against him as he slid his hands over the oil-slicked skin of Iruka’s back and almost moaned himself. _Get a grip Hatake,_ he snapped at himself. _You have to earn that._ Although he had to admit Iruka looked like he was enjoying the massage a lot.

His hands ghosted over Iruka’s bottom and the chūnin actually lifted his hips into the touch. Kakashi cursed whatever god it was that had made his chūnin so goddamn naïve about what moving his body like that did to a man. A couple more centimetres and the smooth skin of his ass would have brushed against Kakashi’s straining cock.

He slid an oil slicked finger as slowly as he could manage into the tight opening that was begging him, reminding himself that he was not allowed to fuck his chūnin senseless, he was only supposed to heal him. Iruka stilled completely as he pushed the finger further in. _That’s not good,_ he thought abstractly, but was completely distracted by the tight wet heat sucking him in. He’d need another finger to be able to do any proper healing, he decided, so wiggled his finger about a bit to prepare the way for the next one.

“’Kashi!” Iruka’s voice was panicky and broken, his breathing suddenly ragged, “Please, I need to see your face.”

He strained and twisted then, and would have injured himself further if Kakashi hadn’t had the foresight to remove his finger. Iruka flipped himself over so he was facing the Copy-nin, panting and looking most delectable in his disarray. “Please.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Kakashi nuzzled his cheek and kissed him gently. “I won’t do it if you don’t want me to.”

Iruka wrapped his arms around the jōnin’s back and pulled him down, crushing him to his chest. Kakashi felt semi-guilty about his erection, which was now pressing into Iruka’s thigh, but figured he couldn’t do anything about it so he should forget about it. Iruka had his face buried in his chest – again – and was mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like _sorry._ Kakashi was about to say there was nothing to be sorry for when the chūnin hooked his legs around his back, crushing their groins together. Iruka was unmistakably very hard.

“Okay,” Kakashi said in the calmest voice he could manage, “You’re going to have to stop that, or else I’m going to have to fuck you. Or you can fuck me, I don’t care at this point.”

Iruka didn’t let go.

“Seriously ‘Ru, I don’t have any patience left and I don’t want to hurt you. Please let go?” His voice was straining.

“’Kashi, you can put anything you want inside me, I just need to see you while you do it.”

If the situation hadn’t been so delicate he would have taken the chūnin up on that suggestive ‘anything.’ “Don’t you hurt?”

“I don’t care.”

 _Oh gods, what did I do to be put in this situation?_ “Well I do. I’m going to heal you, you’re going to stay very still while I do it and then you decide whether you’re ready for anything bigger.” _And I really hope you are, you little tease._

“Okay.” Iruka unwrapped his limbs reluctantly from Kakashi and stared up at him with big trusting eyes. “Do you always makes your massages that sensual?”

Kakashi scratched the back of his head, embarrassed. “I’ve never actually given one before.”

“Good.” Iruka smiled and opened his legs wider in invitation.

Kakashi wondered if he had fallen asleep and was having an erotic dream as he wiggled his finger back inside his partner. This was not how he’d imagined the evening to go, although he definitely wasn’t complaining. He used his other hand to hold down Iruka’s hip to stop him from squirming. Though he couldn’t do anything about the breathy moans and gasps coming from those perfect lips – wait, yes he could! He grinned as he slithered up his partner’s body to capture a willing mouth with his own lips.

Iruka’s lips parted easily and he eagerly returned the favour when Kakashi’s tongue dived into his mouth, attempting to buck upwards to get a little bit of friction. “Stop that,” Kakashi growled, gripping his hip a little tighter. “You’ll just hurt yourself.”

Iruka moaned, but knew better than to complain. It did hurt, but he wasn’t going to tell Kakashi that because it also felt sinfully good to have the other man on top of him. Kakashi carefully inserted another finger. “Stop moving, it’s distracting me.”

Iruka stilled on command and watched his lover’s face with interest as he gathered healing chakra to the tips of his fingers. Kakashi was completely focused on his task, brow furrowed in concentration, and it was a beautiful thing to watch. The chakra tingled inside him and only served to turn him on more, especially as the uncomfortable pain was fading.

“Is that better?” Kakashi asked, without removing his fingers.

Iruka nodded and pushed himself forward, rubbing against Kakashi’s fingers. “It feels good. But I want you inside me.”

Kakashi’s eyes widened slightly. How could he say no to that? He added a third finger and thrust them in and out of the tight hot passage faster than before, watching his lover writhe underneath him.

“Now, ‘Kashi,” his chūnin moaned.

He wasn’t sure if this was such a good idea after all. He didn’t know if he had the patience to treat the chūnin as carefully as he needed to to make up for whatever he had done as Hound. Making a split second decision Kakashi rolled off his lover and onto his back beside him. Iruka turned on his side to stare at him, confused.

“Ride me,” Kakashi said, nearly breathless. “Sit up.”

Understanding dawned on Iruka’s face and he hesitantly clambered up so he was kneeling above the jōnin, a leg either side of his waist. He was still nervous, but thankful. His lover had chosen the one position where he would be in control and could take it as fast or as slow as he wanted.

Kakashi tipped more massage oil in his hand and rubbed it up and down his own cock that had been previously untouched. The friction felt amazing but was nowhere near as good as the walls of Iruka’s tight passage surrounding him would feel. 

Iruka looked down at the flared tip of the penis waiting for him to engulf it and gulped, then looked up at his lover’s face. Kakashi was smiling reassuringly at him. He’d never had to do this to himself before, and it was daunting because he knew it would be painful before he’d get any pleasure out of it. That said, he was a ninja and if he was scared of a little pain he had no right to call himself a chūnin.

He lined his entrance up carefully and felt tiny shivers rake through his system as the blunt head of Kakashi’s cock rubbed against him. The jōnin was watching him intently and had pulled off his hitai-ate to drink in the sight with both eyes. Iruka closed his eyes and pushed downwards hard, seating himself in one thrust. It burned and he figured he’d probably torn something again, but although all he felt was incredibly stretched he was happy with the knowledge that he had Kakashi’s throbbing organ inside him and he was in control.

He waited for the stinging to ease then lifted himself up slowly. _Wow._ He moved down then up again at the same pace. It felt tortuously good and a lot different to when Kakashi controlled the pace. Kakashi desperately wanted to beg him to move faster because the pace was driving him crazy but he bit his lip hard to stop himself from speaking out. He’d chosen this so Iruka could do whatever he wanted and if that meant taking him to the brink of insanity then so be it.

Iruka smiled wickedly and leaned forward – _ooh, that’s a nice feeling_ – and kissed him, tasting blood in his mouth where Kakashi had actually bitten through his lip. He bounced a little, teasingly, causing his lover’s aching cock to rub against his walls and Kakashi to groan loudly. “You want me to go faster?” he asked, smiling.

 _Fuck yes._ “If you want to,” Kakashi gritted out. It was all he could do not to thrust up into the bloody prick tease of a chūnin. What he really wanted was to flip them both over so he could ram into his lover and get his satisfaction quickly.

“Mmm.” Iruka bounced a little more, enjoying the desperate look Kakashi probably didn’t even realise he was broadcasting. It wouldn’t be long before he snapped and Iruka wanted to make the most of this. He bent over and licked at a nipple. Kakashi’s whole body quivered. Iruka didn’t know whether it was from pleasure or if it was just the jōnin failing to restrain himself. “It’s alright, I’ll stop playing with you,” he said, kissing the shaking Copy-nin on the lips. He was having trouble moving so slowly anyway, his body begging him for more friction.

Kakashi changed his mind on how much he hated the position when Iruka started to move faster. The experience of watching his lover practically fuck himself using his cock was amazing, not to mention how it felt. Iruka was beautiful and wild, his hair loose and framing his face, his head tossed back with his bottom lip firmly between his teeth and his eyes tightly squeezed shut.

Kakashi ran his hands up and over the tightly muscled chest before him and down to squeeze his partner’s hot leaking dick. Iruka gasped and Kakashi’s sharingan spun wildly. He hadn’t asked if he could record this but damn if he could stop it. “Gods – ‘Kashi – fuck -” His hand was still slicked with oil and it slid easily over Iruka’s heated skin as he pumped.

Iruka let out a low moan. “’Kashi don’t, I’ll come -”

“I want you to,” Kakashi purred, “I want to see you come all over me and then lick it clean.”

Iruka gasped again, his whole body shaking as Kakashi stroked him harder and faster. His body finally exploded when the jōnin brought up his other hand to finger his balls, his eyes glued to his face with an intense hunger. He collapsed forward, panting, barely able to keep himself propped above his lover with his arms. Kakashi smiled at him, and leaned up for a kiss. The movement jolted something against his prostate and he saw almost painful white stars for a second. “You’re still hard,” he whispered. _And still inside me and oh gods, I don’t know if I can take any more of this it feels too good._  
Kakashi kept smiling and nodded. “You don’t have to do anything about that.” _Perhaps the hardest sentence I’ve ever had to say in my life, but this was for Iruka. It doesn’t matter if I get off or not._

Iruka clenched his knees tight around the jōnin’s waist and rolled them so Kakashi was on top. “I’m not going to chance getting a reputation for not being able to get you off,” he whispered, smiling. “But I need you to do it.” He lifted his hips, effectively pushing Kakashi’s cock further inside him.

Conscience be damned, Kakashi didn’t have the willpower to resist that invitation. “Fuck ‘Ru, you’re so tight,” he moaned, unable to stop himself from slamming into the poor chūnin. Iruka just gasped and curled his fingers into the sheets to stop himself from sliding away. His body was screaming at him that it was too much but at the same time Kakashi was looking at him like he was the only person in the world and he didn’t want the moment to end.

It seemed to last forever as well as no time at all, probably some weird glitch with his sharingan, and Kakashi felt completely sated like he hadn’t in a long time when he came. He pulled out and flopped down on top of his lover, exhausted both from having his eye uncovered and his mind-blowing orgasm. He struggled to clear his head, realising how rough he’d been when Iruka had allowed him control. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “Didn’t mean to hurt you.”  
Iruka kissed him lightly on the forehead and closed his eyes, smiling. “Don’t be, it felt good. I’ll just be a little sore in the morning.”

Kakashi rested his head on a sweaty tanned shoulder and let his eyes drift shut, a small smile playing across his lips. Everything was okay, for now. And that was as much as he could ask for.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse the end of this chapter. It is unbelievably terribly written crack, but I'm leaving it in there for the sake of old times.

The white haired man ran a hand through his hair in a distracted manner and sighed. He tapped his pen on the pad in front of him agitatedly. Outside the sun was shining and the birds were singing and he wished they’d just shut the fuck up. If he wasn’t having a lovely day surely they weren’t allowed to either. He’d been sitting at his desk for at least three hours already and what did he have to show for it? About fifteen screwed up balls of paper littering his floor and three scribbled out lines.

Writing porn – er, great literature – had certainly got a lot harder since they’d hired someone to put that warning jutsu at the women’s hot springs that set off an alarm if it was passed through or tampered with. He’d tried deactivating it but that also set off the alarm that made all the women run for their towels. He sighed again. It was hard being an open pervert sometimes. Maybe he’d have to ditch Konoha soon and go somewhere where the woman enjoyed being appreciated. Although of course, chasing them was half the fun. 

He looked up as he felt another presence enter the room. “Tsunade? It’s not often you come here. Up for a little nookie?” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and openly stared at her chest.

“Cut it out, Ji-ji.” Her punch was half-hearted and only sent him flying through one wall.

Jiraiya stood up and calmly dusted off his pants, stepping back through the new hole in his wall. “What’s wrong with you, Tsu-chan? Been too long since the last time you got laid or something?”

Tsunade ignored the nickname graciously. “Is sex the only thing you ever think about, baka?”

‘Well, kissing is nice too.” Jiraiya grinned and pursed his lips. Tsunade slapped him, leaving a vivid red handprint on the right hand side of his face. “Hey,   
you know that’s going to bruise, right? You just marred my good looks,” he pouted.

Tsunade snorted. “You can’t miss what you never had, Ji-ji. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Hatake Kakashi.”

Jiraiya rubbed the red portion of his face absent-mindedly. “Kakashi? Why?”

“Because he came into my office yelling about not being in ANBU anymore and incinerated his mask and part of the floor,” she said matter-of-factly. “He was obsessing over one of my chūnin.”

“Umino Iruka,” Jiraiya mused, almost unaware he was speaking aloud.

Tsunade grabbed the front of his shirt and shook him. “How did you know that?” she demanded.

“Hey, hey.” He held her back so he’d have some time for his brain to stop sloshing back and forth. “You can’t just treat me like your hapless chūnin assistants, Tsu-chan.” A huge perverted smile lit his face as his rattled brain struck gold. “I’ll tell you what I know if you do me one favour.”

Tsunade eyed him warily. “What?”

“Remove the jutsu on the women’s bath house.”

Tsunade’s eyes narrowed.

“I’ll be good, I promise.” Jiraiya gestured to the papers strewn across the floor. “I just can’t write without my inspiration!” He grinned as he hit his second gold mine of the day. “And little Kakashi-chan will be back in your office yelling if he somehow finds out you’re the reason there’s no more Icha Icha coming out.” 

Tsunade glared. He had a point. “Fine. Tell me what you know,” she snapped.

“Hm.” Jiraiya sat back down at his desk. “Did you look at his files?”

“Shizune did this morning. It said that Sandaime recommended he leave ANBU and become a jōnin instructor.”

“You reinstated him as ANBU without reading his file first?”

“Well, yes. I was busy and he has a reputation for being the best. We need good shinobi in ANBU and as he’s done it before I didn’t see any reason to deny him,” Tsunade said defensively.

‘Sandaime didn’t recommend he leave ANBU, he forced him to.”

“How do you know that? It isn’t written on the official file,” Tsunade asked curiously. She didn’t question the statement; she knew Jiraiya wouldn’t lie.

“I was around at the time and asked about him. I promised Sakumo I’d look out for the kid, see, and never really did a good job of it.” He looked down at the desk, ashamed. “Sandaime said he had pretty much become a tool, and was failing as a human. He took Kakashi out of ANBU to force him to get a life. I looked into it further, out of respect for Sakumo. Sandaime was only skimming the top of the problem.”

He paused, and Tsunade thought she’d never seen him look older or weaker. “Kakashi basically reverts into a different person whenever he has to do something his mind thinks he won’t be able to emotionally handle. It stems back to when he was a child and couldn’t deal with the missions he was given. His other personality jumped out, killed whoever it had to, and then disappeared when it was no longer needed. At the time Sandaime kicked him out of ANBU there was not much ‘Kakashi’ left to Kakashi.”

“But he seems fine now,” Tsunade said, frowning. “He’s a bit weird, but all jōnin are. He doesn’t seem particularly unstable, except for this morning.” 

Jiraiya shook his head gravely. “The act of putting on the ANBU mask probably reawakens his other self, because he needed that protection when he was seventeen and first joined the ranks. I don’t think he can control himself when he’s in that state, which is why he hurt that schoolteacher. He probably thinks that quitting ANBU will solve his problem.”

“What do you mean?”

“Being in ANBU isn’t actually the problem. The mask is just a symbol; it doesn’t hold any power. Any assignment that his brain deems as too stressful or difficult could make him revert back to his other state.”

“I didn’t mean that,” Tsunade scowled, completely missing what he’d said, “I want to know what he did to Umino.”

“I don’t know much about that,” Jiraiya said slowly, staring into her eyes this time and not her chest, “But I believe the word Kakashi himself used was ‘rape’.”

 

Iruka sat at his kitchen table cradling a cup of coffee that was steadily going cold. He was trying to work out whether what had happened the night before had been a good thing or a bad thing. When he thought about it his body reacted as if it had no reservations about it being a good thing, but his mind wasn’t so sure.

The only thing he knew for sure was that he was glad Tsunade-sama had given him three days off. Three more days where he didn’t have to go back into his classroom. It was probably a bad thing and he should go and face his fears straight away but he was happy being a coward. He’d miss his students but at least he wouldn’t have to see that desk again for a while.

“’Ruka.” A yawn. “Why’d you get out of bed?” A pout. And then Hatake Kakashi was standing in front of him shirtless, mask-less and hitai-ate-less. How was he supposed to think bad thoughts about this man when he was standing in front of him looking cute and undeniably edible? It was impossible.

“It’s midday,” Iruka pointed out, nodding his head toward the open window through which sunshine shone brightly. “Most people get up sometime before then.”

Kakashi shrugged and flopped down on the chair opposite Iruka’s, propping his elbows on the table and his chin on his hands. Iruka envied him for being able to do it gracefully. If he’d done that he probably would have looked like a giraffe trying to climb a tree. He inwardly shuddered at the thought. Maybe he should get Kakashi to give him some ‘grace’ training. He shook himself out of his thoughts and grinned brightly. “So, I heard something about you quitting ANBU. Is that right?”

Kakashi smiled back at him, taking care to keep his left eye closed. “Maa, I seem to have misplaced my Inu mask on the road of life and they don’t let you stay without one.”

Iruka untied his hitai-ate – he’d put on his uniform when he’d gotten up before remembering he was banned from work – and walked around the table to wrap it around Kakashi’s head, covering his eye. Kakashi stiffened a little and then relaxed as he realised what he was trying to do. “Thank you.”

“You should be more careful with that,” Iruka said sternly. “You could really hurt yourself.”

Kakashi stared at him. “You care if I get hurt?”

“Of course I care, baka. What did you think, that I sleep with you because you’re good in bed?” Iruka blushed at his own words.

“So…” Kakashi mulled it over, apparently unable to quite understand. “You think I’m not good in bed?”

“No!” Iruka felt like tearing his hair out. “I meant that I don’t just like you for the sex. I like you for you as well, and I care about you. Although the sex is good.” His face felt like it was on fire.

Kakashi would be grinning smugly, but he knew all too well the kind of sex Iruka had gotten from him, and not all of it was ‘good’. “How can you still care about me getting hurt when I hurt you so badly? If I were you I’d probably want me to get hurt,” he said softly.

“Hey.” Iruka dragged the chair out from under the table, a hard task with the jōnin still sitting on it, and plonked himself down on Kakashi’s lap. “If you’re not in ANBU then Hound’s not going to come back, right?” He felt a lump settle in his throat at the assumption. He wanted more than anything for it to be true.

“I-I’m not sure.” When he looked into Kakashi’s eye he saw the deepest sorrow, and wished with all his heart that he could be the one to make it go away and not the one who caused it. “I think so, though. Would you leave me if it happened again?”

Iruka shook his head vehemently. “I don’t think I could, even if I wanted to,” he answered honestly.

“Then,” Kakashi started hesitantly, and then stopped, shaking his head. “Never mind.”

“Then what?” Iruka prompted, poking him in the ribs with his finger. “You have to say now, I’m curious.”

Kakashi mumbled something that Iruka couldn’t quite catch.

“Louder.” Iruka wriggled his fingers under the jōnin’s chin, forcing it upwards so Kakashi had to look him in the eyes.

“Will you let me move in here?” he whispered, his words tumbling over each other as they rushed to get out of his mouth. He jerked his chin away from Iruka’s hand and stared down at his lap, cheeks heating in embarrassment. “I don’t want to go home.”

“Move in?” Iruka repeated, stunned. 

Kakashi shifted uncomfortably, wishing Iruka would just get off his lap and tell him to get fucked so he could run away and live like he had in the days before Iruka where embarrassing situations like this just didn’t happen. “I know I have no right to ask anything of you after what I’ve done,” he said quietly. “Forget I said anything.”

“That wasn’t a no, baka,” Iruka chastised gently. “You just surprised me. Are you sure that you want that? Everyone would know about us.”

“I want everyone to know you belong to me,” Kakashi said hotly, and then dropped his head again. “I mean, that is if you wanted to.”

Iruka laughed. “Then I don’t see why you can’t stay here. I’d like to wake up next to you every morning.” He rubbed his nose gently against an uncovered cheek.

Kakashi closed his eyes, surprised but undeniably happy. _Is that it? He just says that and it happens?_ He felt a warm glow in his chest. _To wake up next to Iruka every morning. And to never have to go back to my cold and lonely apartment._

“Do you want to go get your stuff now?” Iruka leaned forward and captured the Copy-nin’s lips with his own. The more he thought about it the more he liked the idea of Kakashi as a permanent fixture in his home. He was a little nervous about letting people know that they were together but also excited about it.

“Mmm.” Kakashi wrapped his arms around the sexy chūnin on his lap, dragging him closer so he could feel the erection pressing through his pants. “Maybe a little later?” he suggested.

Iruka just laughed and leaned in for another, more intense kiss. “Maybe,” he agreed.

 

“Hmm.” Iruka glanced around the spotless, tiny room. “Do you actually have any stuff? This’ll probably be the easiest move I’ve ever helped with.”

“Hey, I do have some things,” Kakashi defended.

“What, like your Icha Icha?” Iruka let out a noise that sounded suspiciously like a giggle before clamping a hand over his mouth.

“I’ll have you know that Icha Icha is a sacred relic of my childhood.”

Iruka burst out laughing. “Its _porn,_ Kakashi. You can’t tell me you read it as a child.”

Kakashi smiled and didn’t bother telling him that a young Jiraiya had actually given him the first book when he was eight years old in a misguided attempt to say _sorry your dad died, kid._ “I have this.”

He walked over to his wardrobe and pulled out the chest that held his ANBU uniform. Iruka took a step back. Kakashi watched his reaction curiously for a moment, and then flicked up the clasps. He reached in and Iruka was irrationally scared that he was going to pull out the ANBU mask. _Don’t be stupid,_ he chastised himself, _You already saw him destroy it, baka._

Kakashi’s hands were suddenly in front of his face, holding something out, and he flinched. “Are you alright, Iruka? You seem jumpy,” Kakashi said.

“No I’m fine,” Iruka said, forcing himself to look at what Kakashi was holding. A long thin knife in a scabbard that looked like it had seen better days. “Is this…”

“It was my father’s tanto,” Kakashi said, smiling behind his mask. “Made of a special metal so it’s easy to force lightening chakra through the blade.”

 _His father… the White Fang._ “Do you still use it?”

Kakashi shook his head. “I broke it once, when I was young and stupid.” _When I got Obito killed._ “So after I got it fixed I decided to keep it safe.”

He wondered if Iruka knew what he was doing. If he realised that he was forcing himself to give up information nobody knew to prove that he trusted the chūnin, and that he could be trusted in return. He needed to give Iruka a reason to trust him to prove to himself that he was worthy of the younger man’s trust.

“I’m glad you have some treasures.” Iruka smiled sadly at the blade, touching it softly with his fingertips. “When our house was destroyed in the Kyuubi attack I lost everything I had of my parents.”

Kakashi felt his heart clench and placed the tanto gently on his couch, moving forwards to wrap his arms around Iruka. He’d never been much of a touchy-feely person, but something about the chūnin screamed that he needed to be held and comforted. And what’s more he found himself wanting to do it. Holding Iruka made him feel better as well.

Iruka was surprised to feel arms around him. It was nice, but unnecessary. “Kakashi? What are you doing?”

Kakashi shhhed him. “You’re feeling sad. I’m making you feel better.” He tightened his grip.

“I’m touched, but you don’t have to do that.” Iruka smiled and tried to pull away. It proved harder than he’d thought to escape the jōnin’s clutches. “Kakashi, I got over losing my parents a long time ago. I’m not upset.”

“Shh,” Kakashi said again. “Just another minute?” His voice was almost pleading.

Iruka sighed, but smiled at the same time. “Alright.” A clingy Copy-nin he could deal with. It was actually kind of cute. But after a while he started to get antsy. He’d spent most of the morning in bed and then when Kakashi had finally gotten up he’d ended up back in bed again. And now it was mid-afternoon and he wanted to do something. “Do you have anything else you want to bring with you, or is it just the tanto?”

Kakashi reluctantly pulled himself away and headed back to the chest. “No, I have these.” He held up two framed photographs, one of his childhood genin team and one of the genin team he’d taught. 

Iruka smiled at the picture of Naruto and Sasuke scowling at each other. “They must have been hard to handle.”

Kakashi flipped the picture around and stared at it somewhat sadly. “I wasn’t good enough to handle them.”

 _Oh._ Iruka wished he’d kept his big mouth shut. All of Kakashi’s students had scattered to be taught by sannins. He hadn’t even considered that the man might think that he’d failed to be a good teacher for them. He placed a hand on the jōnin’s arm gently. “You were good for them.”

Kakashi’s grip tightened on the photo. “I couldn’t stop Sasuke.”

“Neither could Sakura, or Naruto,” Iruka countered. “I could have done better by him, should have realised that he was just as alone as Naruto was. But that’s the past, and I can’t change it. Neither can you, so there’s no point thinking about it.”

“I’m supposed to be the fucking Copy-nin,” Kakashi said bitterly. “I’m supposed to be great. But the only thing I know how to do is kill. I can’t save anyone.” He looked down at his hands holding the photo and he could see the blood of all the people he’d killed running off his dirty hands and smearing across the glass. The frame fell from his hands.

Iruka caught it, and after placing it on the couch next to the tanto took the older man’s hands in his. Kakashi jerked away. “Don’t,” he said harshly.

“You know how to do more than just kill,” Iruka said softly. He willed Kakashi to look him in the eyes. “You know how to love me.”

Kakashi couldn’t help but think that he’d failed at that too, spectacularly, but the way Iruka was looking at him made the words stick in his throat. The frustratingly optimistic chūnin would just deny it and then they’d get into an argument and everything would go to hell. “I guess so.”

He allowed Iruka to pull him into a quick hug then sidled out of it as soon as he could. “I’ll just get the rest of my stuff.”

Iruka watched with interest as he quickly pulled bags out of his closet that hadn’t been there when he’d last been in the apartment. Kakashi caught his gaze. “From when Sakura and Ino took me shopping,” he explained with a half smile.

Iruka smiled. _Civilian clothes, eh?_ He still had two more days with Kakashi to himself. It would be entertaining to play dress up the Copy-nin.

It wasn’t long before Kakashi was done. He swept his books into the chest, which was rather empty without his ANBU armour, and stuffed his uniforms into one of the clothing bags. He had very little bedding, and the few kitchen utensils he had had come with the apartment. It was a rather sad little pile of belongings, he thought. Certainly not enough to represent twenty-eight years of life. Iruka was probably thinking the same thing.

When he looked up from his pitiful pile of stuff he realised Iruka was smiling at him, and there was raw excitement in the chūnin’s expression. He wondered why for a moment, and then remembered he was going to live with his lover. Kakashi felt a smile split his own face. _I get to live with Iruka. To come home to a warm body in a warm bed._ He might not have much stuff to show for the last twenty-eight years, but maybe he could start collecting from now on. Because now he had somebody to share the things he collected with.

 

Jiraiya crept towards the wooden fence that separated the men’s hot spring from the women’s with a perverted grin on his face. Internally he rubbed his hands together in glee. He’d done the impossible and gotten Tsunade to agree to undo the jutsu that had been specially made to keep him out, which was kind of like having spoken permission to spy.

He wasn’t completely sure she wouldn’t go back on her word though, so he approached the fence carefully. He could see the little hole that provided him with inspiration and it was so close. He stopped just over four metres from the fence, which was where the previous jutsu had been placed, and stepped cautiously over the invisible line. Nothing happened. He crowed (silently, of course. He wasn’t stupid enough to scare off all the lovely ladies).

There was a signpost in front of him that he knew hadn’t been there before. _Please do not look into the women’s baths, they respect your privacy so –_ he stopped reading. Of course that didn’t apply to him. He was a sannin, after all. He leaped forward to glue his eye to the little gap in the fence, and suddenly felt the strangest sensation.

He was shrinking? He turned around and noticed what he hadn’t before; Tsunade had laid another trap, this time two metres from the fence. He sighed. Of course that woman would have to make it as difficult as possible. What was so bad about admiring beautiful women? They should be thanking him for the attention.

Deciding whatever had happened to him wasn’t important because he was already within the boundary of the trap Jiraiya turned back to the fence, only to find he wasn’t tall enough to reach the hole. Even when he jumped, and he could jump pretty high. He looked down at his warty hands. She’d turned him into a frog. And a tiny one, at that. He was ugly. Could it get any worse?

Yes, it could get worse, he realised a minute later when a large bird swooped down and picked him up by the back of his warty neck. Luckily the jutsu seemed to wear off as soon as he was back out of the two-metre radius of the fence. It was less lucky for the bird which suddenly found itself plummeting out of the sky with a fully grown man in its mouth to land unhappily in the men’s baths.

Jiraiya stood up, hair plastered to his face and dripping uncomfortably down his back, and vowed he would come back with a telescope.


	18. Chapter 18

“You know, I’ve never had this much time to just do nothing before,” Kakashi said contemplatively, folding his arms up underneath his head and leaning back on them. “I kind of like it.”

Iruka rolled over and poked his nose playfully into pale ribs that had been revealed as the older ninja’s shirt rode up. “Are you sure I don’t bore you?”

Kakashi pulled one of his arms from underneath him and swatted at his head lazily. “’Ruka, you’re the only thing stopping me from getting bored.”

They were lying in the grass just outside the village, hidden from view by a conveniently placed grassy knoll and soaking up the sun in a decidedly cat-like manner. Iruka had made a picnic lunch with an interested Kakashi hanging over his shoulder and stealing handfuls of grated carrot and cheese when he’d thought the other man wasn’t looking, and they’d decided to eat outside as it was such a nice day.

Kakashi’s hand stayed where it was, stroking the hair back off his lover’s face in a languid manner. Iruka had left his hair down all day, much to the jōnin’s delight, even though he complained that it irritated him and got in his face all the time. Kakashi loved Iruka’s hair. It was smooth and shiny and he liked to imagine it had never had blood in it. Which was probably a weird thing to think, but blood was part of his every day life and he liked to pretend Iruka never had to deal with it. His Iruka was innocent, naïve and virginal. 

He frowned. Well, maybe not. Iruka knew how to do some pretty wicked things with his tongue that thoroughly disproved his innocence. And he was definitely not a virgin. Kakashi smirked. That train of thought brought up some nice images. But still, there was something undoubtedly pure and intrinsically good about the chūnin sensei that Kakashi wanted to protect. It had stayed intact even after all the things Kakashi himself had done to him, and that fact never ceased to amaze him.

“What’re you thinking about ‘Kashi?” Iruka slithered upwards until his head was resting in the crook of Kakashi’s shoulder.

“You,” Kakashi answered truthfully. “You’re beautiful.”

Iruka smiled shyly into his shoulder, shaking his head.

“You are.” Kakashi watched the light catch in the dark brown strands as the chūnin shook his head, making his hair shimmer. Iruka was proving him right while trying to tell him he was wrong. “There’s something about you that glows.”

_You are the colour to my gray. To my black and white, and most of all my red. Just don’t let me pollute your light with my monochrome existence. Don’t let me drag you into blood and darkness._

“I don’t glow,” Iruka said as indignantly as he could while feeling so sated and lazy. “I’m not an angel, or anything.”

“No,” Kakashi said, closing his eye and smiling, “If you were an angel you’d probably have to go back to heaven. And I have no intention of letting you leave.”

Iruka contemplated punching him and decided it wasn’t worth the effort because he was feeling lazy and Kakashi would probably just laugh at his futile efforts anyway. Instead he pulled down that irritating mask and kissed him. Kissing, he had discovered, was quite an effective way to shut Kakashi up. Of course he usually had to have at least an hour's free time after the kiss, because the Copy-nin didn’t like to stop once he’d got started.

Kakashi slid his hand up underneath his chūnin’s shirt, fingers probing the warm skin lightly, and slipped his tongue inside his warm yielding mouth, deepening the soft kiss. Iruka moaned quietly and pressed harder against him, moving his leg to rest between Kakashi’s, effectively straddling his thigh.

“Aren’t you scared your students might catch you like this, ‘Ruka?” Kakashi teased when they broke apart. “Naruto would be horrified if he saw you looking so sexy.”

A pink tinge spread across Iruka’s cheeks. Kakashi thought it was beautiful. “I’m not sexy. And my students can mind their own business. It’s my day off and I can do whatever I like,” he said firmly.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. “So you wouldn’t say no to sex out here?”

Iruka shook his head. “I don’t have the energy for that. I just want to be with you.”

“I’m pretty sure I could give you the energy.” Kakashi grinned and reached for his chūnin’s crotch. Iruka batted his hand away.

“Don’t, ‘Kashi, I don’t want the energy. I’m happy like this.”

“You’re no fun.” Kakashi kissed his forehead, the tip of his nose, then swiped his tongue across his scar making him shiver. “Good thing you’re so cute or you wouldn’t get away with it.”

Iruka smiled and kissed him, pulling back quickly so there’d be no follow-through. “What’s with all the compliments today?” he asked. “First I’m beautiful, then I’m glowing, then I’m sexy, now I’m cute? Do you want something from me?”

Kakashi tilted his head to the side a little, thinking. He hadn’t even realised that he’d been complimenting the chūnin, he’d just been saying what he was thinking. And it was so nice out here under the sun with his bones feeling like they were melting he hadn’t really been keeping his brain in check. Gods, he’d almost said _making love_ instead of _sex._ What would Iruka have thought if he’d made that mistake? No matter what the context he always steered clear of the word love around Iruka. He didn’t want to admit it but that word and all its connotations made him nervous. It was almost as bad as the word commitment.

“I wasn’t aiming for anything in particular,” he said eventually. “I just want you to know how I see you.”

Iruka laughed, and nipped at his chin lightly. “What, as some sort of perfect being? I’m far from it.”

Kakashi growled and rolled over, pinning the startled chūnin beneath him. “Listen, and listen carefully because I probably won’t say this again.” Iruka held his breath. 

“Your hair,” he ran a gloved hand lightly through the strands, “Is like silk. Your skin tastes better than anything I’ve ever had in my mouth.” Kakashi kissed his lover’s forehead gently and didn’t even consider adding innuendo to the sentence. “Your eyes burn so bright with everything you feel and I” _love it_ “am happy when they burn for me. Your scar and your little nose are adorable. Your lips – your lips are mine.”

He kissed each feature as he said it, lingering a little on the lips before sliding down his partner’s body. “Your neck is so responsive.” He nibbled gently and Iruka made a little noise of pleasure, twisting slightly beneath him. “Your hands. They do so many amazing things, and not just for me.” He sucked a finger into his mouth and massaged it with his tongue, making Iruka buck up against him with a gasp.

“Your chest feels so good against mine.” Kakashi tweaked a nipple through the thin shirt and kissed his lover’s belly button. _And I want to know that your heart is mine,_ he refrained from saying. “And you move your hips in such an alluring manner.” He ran his tongue slowly along a prominent hipbone, jutting out from above the waistline of his chūnin’s pants.

Without warning Kakashi buried his face in his lover's crotch, causing Iruka to yelp in surprise. Kakashi smiled and breathed through the material lightly. He was pleased to note that his chūnin’s member was proudly standing up to meet him. “I don’t know if I need to say anything about how much I appreciate this part of you,” he said slowly, grinning, “But it seems like it likes me well enough.”

Kakashi rubbed his face against the clothed erection and Iruka bit back a moan. “ _Kakashi,_ I thought I said no to sex?”

Kakashi stuck his tongue out and wiggled it dangerously close to Iruka’s straining cock, his eyes on his lover’s face. “I never intended for us to have sex,” he said happily, “I was simply telling you how amazing your body is.”

Iruka scowled. “You manipulative bastard.”

“Are you saying you want sex now?” Kakashi asked, pretending to be surprised. He licked the tip of Iruka’s cock through the cloth of his pants, making the chūnin arc his back in an attempt to get more. “Because I’m not adverse to it, myself.”

“Of course I want it now, asshole,” Iruka groaned, but his heart wasn’t really in it. Kakashi touching and describing his body had been amazing, and it felt almost as if the Copy-nin was trying to tell him he loved him without resorting to those three words. “But not here. Take us home.”

Kakashi thought his smile was almost going to break his face at the word _home._ Because Iruka’s home was his home now, and if he could help it he would never have to live alone again.

 

Iruka was actually rolling around on the kitchen floor, giggling hysterically. 

Kakashi scowled down at him. “What’s so funny?”

“Your face,” he gasped, “Your face.”

“Maa, Iruka, you know it’s not nice to make fun of people for what they look like. Especially when they’re so sensitive they keep their features covered most of the time,” Kakashi said pointedly.

Iruka shook his head so hard Kakashi thought his brain would fall out his ears. “You just have to see it,” he said, barely managing to restrain his laughter. “You look like a, I don’t know, a powdered doughnut or something.”

“A doughnut, really? So witty, Iruka-sensei,” Kakashi said dryly, and bent down to check his reflection in the oven door. He wouldn’t agree to the doughnut comment, but he had to admit he did look fairly ridiculous. “And you don’t look all that hot yourself.”

“I’m sorry, ‘Kashi, but it’s just, your hair, and – your face and -” Iruka collapsed into muffled laughter again.

“I’ll have you know that this is all your fault,” Kakashi said sternly, but his eye was twinkling. Even he could see the funny side of it and besides, Iruka looked   
so young and cute sitting on the floor like that, his face streaked in white. “You’re the one who threw it at me.”

He pointed at what had once been a bag of flour. Iruka stared innocently up at him. “How was I to know you’d squeeze it so hard when you caught it that it would explode?”

Kakashi folded his legs underneath him and dropped to the floor so he was sitting next to Iruka, causing a cloud of flour to puff up around him. “You could have given me a warning.”

“Kakashi, we’re baking a cake, not on a mission. You shouldn’t need warnings just for collecting the ingredients.”

“Hn.” Kakashi looked away and drew a circle in the flour on the floor with his fingertip. “Are you mad?”

“Why should I be mad?” Iruka was genuinely surprised.

“I just ruined a whole bag of white stuff. And made a disaster zone of your kitchen.”

Iruka stared at him. The idiot was completely serious. “Well, we’re not going to be able to make a cake now because that was my only bag of flour, but it’s not really a big deal. We can just go buy a new one.”

“And the mess?”

“It won’t be too hard to clean up.”

“Oh.” Kakashi brightened, and began making hand signs. “I know a good water jutsu that would-”

“No!” Iruka cried and launched himself at the jōnin, breaking apart his hands before he could make the final sign.

“Huh?” Kakashi stared at the chūnin, who was now sitting in his lap and breathing a sigh of relief.

“Kakashi, do you know what flour and water make?”

The Copy-nin looked at him blankly.

“The correct answer is glue,” Iruka said, rubbing his flour-covered face against Kakashi’s like a cat. “Now can you imagine how much worse this would be if we were covered in glue?”

“Ah. That would be unpleasant,” Kakashi admitted. “But then you’d be stuck to me, and we could have a warm shower together to get unstuck and we’d be all naked and wet and -”

Iruka hit him lightly. “Baka! Don’t you ever think about anything else?”

Kakashi grinned and shook his head, purposefully making flour fly everywhere. “You look so much better naked. And wet. And glistening.”

Iruka chose to ignore that one. “Well, do you know any wind jutsu that will blow all this mess out the window? Otherwise I’m going to have to clean this up by hand. And you’ll be helping.”

“Maa, you slave driver.” 

Kakashi flicked his hands through a series of seals with lazy motions. A miniature tornado slowly appeared in the centre of the kitchen, sucking up loose flour and dust as it spun. Kakashi dragged a hand through his hair, shaking out the flour, and watched disinterestedly as the soft white particles were sucked into his own personal whirlwind.

He then reached over and ruffled Iruka’s hair, sending more flour tumbling into the dust storm. Iruka leaned into his touch slightly. “I knew it was going to be a challenge teaching you to cook,” he grumbled, “But I didn’t realise it would be this bad.” 

“Really, ‘Ruka? I’m flattered.” Kakashi fluffed up his hair again and stole a quick kiss. “Am I more of a disaster than Naruto?”

Iruka shot him a horrified look. “Under no circumstance does Naruto ever enter my kitchen again.”

“What did he do?” Kakashi kept his eye on the mini tornado and flicked his hand a little, sending it whirling to the left to collect a bit more flour.

Iruka shuddered. “I don’t remember,” he admitted. “I think my mind repressed the memory. All I know is that I couldn’t get that horrible burnt smell out of my apartment for a month and the ceiling turned black.”

Kakashi looked up instinctively. Obviously Iruka had had some remodelling done, because the ceiling was now a clean beige. 

“But then,” Iruka added thoughtfully, “He actually finished making whatever it was he was attempting. You haven’t even managed to get all the ingredients to _start._ ”

“Hey, cut me some slack,” Kakashi whined, his eyes on his whirlwind and his hand creeping up the back of Iruka’s shirt. “I can’t be a genius at everything.”

“You could be, with a little practice.” The hand slid around to his front and grabbed a nipple. “But you don’t need any practice at _that_ ,” he added, slapping the hand away.

Kakashi pouted and tried to get his other hand into Iruka’s pants. “There’s always room for improvement though, right? I’d like to get better and you know that practice makes perfect.”

Iruka pushed the wandering hand away from his crotch. “If you get any better at that I’ll finish embarrassingly quickly.”

Kakashi scooted closer to his chūnin, placing one leg either side of the toned tan body and leaning his chin on a warm shoulder. “I have toys for that,” he whispered breathily into a conveniently placed ear. “And I can draw it out so that by the time I’m finished with you you’ll be begging for release.”

He grinned as a faint tremor rattled its way through Iruka, and bit down lightly on the junction between shoulder and neck. Iruka tilted his head back and moaned so quietly Kakashi thought he’d imagined it.

“Fuck, ‘Kashi, don’t do that to me,” he complained.

“That’s a dirty mouth you have there Sensei,” Kakashi purred, “And why not? Tsunade-hag gave us three days off so I could pound your sweet ass, did she not?”

Iruka tried to come up with a reason but drew a blank. And then realised what his perverted lover had said after that. “Did you just call our Hokage a hag? And suggest that she wants us to have sex?” he asked incredulously.

Kakashi just shrugged and wormed his way into Iruka’s underwear while the chūnin was momentarily distracted, grabbing his favourite handful of hot chūnin flesh. “You see? You have no legitimate reason why I shouldn’t do this to you.”

“No-” Iruka could sense that that he was soon going to be in very hot water, and focused all his energy on ignoring the delicate fingers that were stroking and teasing him in a last ditch effort not to become hard. He couldn’t remember why he was refusing, exactly, but letting Kakashi have his way felt too much like losing.

Kakashi frowned. Iruka wasn’t reacting the way he wanted. He was going to have to up it a notch if he really wanted to get laid. He grinned and placed all his concentration on the task at hand. Oh, how he loved a challenge.

Iruka was on the brink of giving in – it felt so nice to be played with, Kakashi was nibbling his shoulder while his fingers worked and he couldn’t figure out why exactly he’d wanted to avoid this – when there was the tinkling sound of breaking glass, and a noise that reminded him of a beaver gnawing through wood. He sat up straight abruptly and stared in horror as the now rogue wind jutsu chewed its way through his cupboard. “’Kashi,” he breathed, and a wide-eyed Kakashi made the fastest hand signs he’d ever made to dispel the jutsu. 

Unfortunately all that did was get rid of the tornado, and not what had been picked up by it. And the force of the spinning wind meant that what the whirlwind had picked up was now flung in every direction across the kitchen and over the two stunned men on the floor, making even more mess than there had been to start with.

Kakashi stared at Iruka, heart in his throat. Iruka stared at Kakashi. And then he started laughing hysterically. “You win,” he said between gasps for breath, “You beat Naruto. Even he’s not that destructive.”

Kakashi didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know if he’d just pushed the bipolar teacher over the edge into crazy territory, or if he really was forgiven. He’d been so caught up in trying to pleasure his chūnin he’d completely forgotten about the jutsu and cleaning. “I hope the reason Naruto ruined your house wasn’t because he was trying to turn you on,” he said, and then wondered why the hell he’d said it.

Iruka was red faced from laughing so hard, and he leaned back against the jōnin, trying to catch his breath. “No way,” he shuddered. “Naruto’s like my – like my son or something. Gross.”

“You were a young daddy then,” Kakashi teased. “Something I should know about? Who was your first?”

“My first what?” Iruka asked, confused.

“Your virginity. Who took it?” It was something he’d been wondering about for a while, actually.

Iruka blushed and dropped his gaze to his feet. “Why would you want to know that?”

“Because I want to know everything about you.” _And if you’re suitably embarrassed maybe you’ll forget that I just blew a chunk out of your kitchen cupboards._

“It’s not important.”

 _And now I’m really curious._ “It is to me.”

Iruka’s eyes flashed. “Why would it be important to you? You can’t change what I’ve already done. And look what you’ve done to my kitchen.”

Kakashi cringed. “You’re the one who was distracting me.”

“How?” Iruka demanded. He wasn’t really all that mad, but he figured it’d be better to guilt trip Kakashi than to talk about sex. It was all the man ever thought about, really. “I was just sitting there.”

“Sitting there looking sexy and making me want to touch you,” Kakashi corrected. “It’s your fault for being so damn good looking.”

“I’m not.” Iruka stood up, dusting flour off his pants, and headed out the door. “I’m going to find a vacuum cleaner.” Kakashi stayed where he was, tracing patterns in the flour, wondering where the hell he’d gone wrong this time.

When Iruka returned he was still sitting there, staring dejectedly at the floor, his fingers coated a powdery white. “Hey.” He nudged the silent Copy-nin with his foot. “I’m not really mad.”

Kakashi looked up at him. “Why wouldn’t you be? I destroyed your kitchen and tried to feel you up.”

Iruka shrugged and figured it probably wasn’t the best time to tell Kakashi he couldn’t actually afford to replace the cupboards. He could live without them for the next couple of paychecks. “Because you look so ashamed about what you did. It was an honest mistake.” _Except for the feeling up part, but I should have learnt to take that as a given no matter what I’m trying to do with you._ “If I really got mad at people for making mistakes Naruto would be dead by now.”

Kakashi looked slightly miffed at the idea of being lumped in with his boisterous blond student. “I should really be old enough to know better by now.”

Iruka reached down and ruffled his hair, then felt rather stupid for doing it. _He’s the freaking Copy-nin, I can’t treat him like a child._ “’Kashi, everybody makes mistakes when they try something new.”

“But I’m not supposed to make mistakes,” Kakashi said stubbornly. “Too many chances for me to die if I make mistakes.”

Iruka sighed and plugged the vacuum cleaner in, starting to clean up the mess. “It almost sounds like you want me to punish you.”

“Well.” Kakashi didn’t know how to answer that. He wasn’t completely sure what he was trying to say. The idea of Iruka punishing him gave him nice mental images involving lots of rope, blindfolds and gags but he figured his chūnin wasn’t thinking along those lines. “You probably should. Do you want me to call someone to get that fixed?” He gestured toward the busted cupboard.

“No, just leave it.” Iruka looked away, seeming to focus more on his cleaning task. “It’ll be fine like that for a while.”

Kakashi stared at him curiously. “How come?”

Iruka blushed and scratched at his scar. “I don’t have enough money,” he mumbled.

In seconds Kakashi was up, across the room, and had the chūnin pinned to the wall. Iruka avoided looking at him. “Did you really think I wouldn’t pay for it?”

“What?” Iruka squeaked, and slid his eyes back to the serious pale face in front of him.

“’Ruka, I broke your cupboard. I’m paying to fix it, alright?”

Iruka just stared.

“Speaking of money,” Kakashi mused, “I need to know how much your rent is.”

“W-why?”

“Well, if I’m living here, I intend to pay half. That is if you still want me around after all this.” Kakashi looked at the mess around him sheepishly. “I wouldn’t blame you if you kicked me out.”

“’K-Kashi I would never-” Iruka bit back the end of his sentence. He knew how mad Kakashi could make him, and there was a good chance that at more than one point he’d find himself kicking jōnin ass out his front door. Or window, he wasn’t picky. He opted to steal a quick kiss instead. “I’m keeping you. You’re not allowed to leave.”

Kakashi’s face split into a perverted grin. Iruka wanted him, and he had the chūnin pressed against the wall. That seemed like good odds for getting laid to him. He leaned in for a proper kiss only for Iruka to turn his head away. He frowned. “Why not?”

Iruka’s knee slid slowly up between his legs, brushing gently against his balls. It could have been quite sensual, but Kakashi could sense the threat. “I’m cleaning. And then we’re going out to buy more flour. Let go of me.” Iruka’s tone was final and Kakashi released him quickly. He was quite fond of his balls, thank you very much, and even though he was sure the younger man was also fond of them he knew Iruka would have no second thoughts about squishing them painfully if it got him what he wanted.

“Fine,” he muttered, stepping further back. He knew he had no right to be complaining – it was his fault Iruka needed to clean, after all – but that didn’t stop him from feeling grumpy. He just wanted a _little_ hot lovin’. Was that too much to ask?

“Thank you.” Iruka kissed him sweetly and his heart melted. He decided it wasn’t too bad of a deal as he watched his lover bend over to clean under the bench. Iruka’s ass was a very nice shape, he decided, and he could watch it wiggle like that for quite a while. It didn’t occur to him that it was rather impolite to destroy someone’s house and then just stand there and watch them while they set it back to rights again. Iruka’s ass was mesmerising.

“Done.” Iruka clapped his hands together, jolting Kakashi out of his trance. “Are you ready to go?”

Kakashi stared at him blankly. The chūnin had a smear of flour across one cheek and his hair was falling out of its ponytail in wild springs. He looked cute. “Go where?”

“Get more flour.” Iruka grinned cheekily at him. “I swear, you’re going to learn to bake at least one thing after what you just did to my kitchen.”

He was grinning, but Kakashi could see the cold steel of determination leaking out from underneath it. He was not going to be able to worm his way out of this one. He kind of felt like he didn’t actually want to, which surprised him. “Well, lets go then.”

Kakashi grinned back, tugging up his mask. He wasn’t going to tell the sensei he had flour on him, he liked the rumpled look. 

Iruka laced his fingers through the older man’s and smiled happily. He knew that Kakashi’s smile meant that the jōnin thought he’d forgotten that he was covered in flour. He hadn’t, but he was hoping that by pretending he didn’t notice Kakashi wouldn’t realise that he also was powdered white. He was looking forward to the stares they’d likely get.


	19. Chapter 19

Tsunade and Jiraiya glared at each other over the smooth oak of the Hokage’s desk.

“You can’t do that,” Jiraiya said, folding his arms across his chest. “Do you have any idea what damage it could cause?”

“I know what could happen,” Tsunade replied, voice heavy, “But I have no choice. I need him.”

“You have an endless supply of shinobi you could send instead. The kid really needs a break.”

“Your argument is null, Ji-ji.” Tsunade sighed heavily. “You know as well as I do that he’s the best and only option we have for this.”

Jiraiya frowned, but dipped his head in acceptance. He placed one large hand gently over hers and squeezed lightly. He knew she’d struggled with the decision, and he didn’t really want to make it worse. Neither of them wanted to do this.

 

“Why are there so many different types?” Kakashi stared at the shelf in consternation. “Isn’t it all just the same white stuff?”

“Nope.” Iruka plucked a packet off the shelf and dropped it in his trolley. He’d decided that he might as well get the rest of his groceries seeing as he was in the supermarket already. “You can get whole grade flour, self-raising flour, wheat flour, unbleached flour – different things depending on what you’re cooking.”

Kakashi stared at the shelf again and decided cooking was way too much of a hassle. He had a good memory and wouldn’t find it difficult to memorise the types of flour and their uses but he couldn’t see the point, not when he could just pick up the phone and have good food ready and on his doorstep within half an hour.

Iruka was humming as he strolled down the aisle, tossing things in the trolley every so often. Kakashi slouched along beside him, glancing around as he walked. It had been a while since he’d been in a supermarket. He tended to live off the ration bars he was given for missions even when he got home, simply because getting anything else to eat took effort. He was interested in food only in that he needed it to stay alive. Taste wasn’t particularly important.

The supermarket was loud and busy and he didn’t like it, but when he looked at Iruka he couldn’t help but smile. The chūnin was as much in his element here as he was in the mission room and at the academy. He walked with a purpose, knew exactly what he was doing, and waved and chatted to people as he moved along.  
Kakashi felt awkward and out of place. People would stop and say hi to Iruka, civilians and ninja alike, and then notice him and shield away slightly. It was slightly unnerving to know he provoked such a reaction out of people, and it made him wonder how Iruka had ever gotten past that fear. Then he realised that Iruka never had been scared of him. Iruka had been unafraid to challenge him even before they’d become friends.

“’Kashi, what’s your favourite food?” Iruka asked without turning his head, continuing to push the trolley down the aisle and keeping a sharp eye on the shelves for anything he might need.

“Well, _you_ taste pretty good,” Kakashi leered. He figured the chūnin would think he was even more of a social retard if he knew that he didn’t even have a favourite food.

Iruka rolled his eyes and gave him an exasperated look. “I mean things you put in your mouth that you actually swallow.” Kakashi grinned at him and he blushed, waving his hands around in front of his face as if that would fix his mistake. “Not like that, like actual food food. Chewable edible things that aren’t me.”

 _Well that didn’t put him off. I guess I could try flattering him._ Kakashi fluttered his eyelashes in what he thought was a charming way. “The food I like best is anything cooked by you, ‘Ruka-kun,” he crooned.

The murderous look on Iruka’s face made him question whether he’d perhaps laid it on a bit thick. The blush was definitely cute though, it had gotten a bit stronger since his last faux pas. “Kakashi, why are you avoiding my question? Is your favourite food really that much of a secret? Do you enjoy dining on ox entrails or something?”

 _Eech. Maybe I should tell him the truth._ “If you really want to know,” Kakashi started, bending forward so that none of the other nosy shoppers could hear him, “I-”

“Kakashi-san.”

 _Whew. Thank goodness for rude people,_ Kakashi thought. He turned to see who’d interrupted him and realised it was Genma. He frowned. _I’d rather have just told him. Shiranui should stay away from My Iruka._ “What do you want?” he asked curtly. “We’re busy.”

Iruka elbowed him in the ribs and Genma scowled. “The Hokage wants to see you,” he said, lips tight around his senbon. “Now.”

Iruka gripped Kakashi’s arm tightly and the jōnin turned to look at him. He’d gone awfully pale. “Is it about the scene, with the mask and that? She promised us three days.”

Genma allowed a small smile to slip through for the worried chūnin. He still had a bit of a soft spot for the young man, even though he had atrocious taste in lovers. “I don’t know. It’s possibly a mission, but she said she wanted to see both of you separately. Kakashi first.” He glanced at the trolley full of groceries. “You should have time to finish up here. He,” he jerked his head towards Kakashi, “Needs to leave now, but you’ve got another half hour or so.”

Iruka shot an unhappy look at Kakashi who just shrugged and ruffled his hair, his hand staying for a beat too long. “I guess I’ll see you later.”

“I guess.” Iruka looked down at his feet as the silver haired man took off. Things had been going so well he’d almost forgotten that they’d had their share of problems, and he really didn’t want Kakashi going on missions. Even if Hound only showed up when Kakashi was in ANBU gear he was still worried about what would happen when he got back. If he got back. That was the other thing he didn’t want to think about. _Kakashi is not going to die. He is indestructible,_ he told himself firmly, but couldn’t believe it.

“Cheer up kid, he can deal with whatever’s handed to him easily.” Genma patted him awkwardly on the shoulder. Iruka hadn’t even realised that he was still there. “Do you want me to help you take these home?” He gestured to the groceries.

“Uh, if you want to, Genma-san.” He had to do something to keep his mind off a certain silver haired jōnin. “How is Raidō?”

“He’s worried about you,” Genma said. “He’s not all that fond of Kakashi.” He frowned. “Neither am I.”

“Kakashi’s fine,” Iruka snapped, then sighed. “I know you guys don’t trust him, but I do. Can’t you just trust me to know what’s good for myself?”

“Kakashi’s a shinobi first and a person second. Are you sure you can handle being in a relationship like that?”

“Exactly,” Iruka replied, and fixed his gaze on Genma, large brown eyes imploring him to understand. “He needs me to help make him into a person. He deserves to be given a real chance at life.”

Genma snorted. “And you deserve a chance to not get raped.”

Iruka closed his eyes and a pained expression crossed his face. Genma felt like a first class asshole. “Please just – just don’t. And don’t ever say that to him either, he feels bad enough abut it as it is.”

Genma raised an eyebrow. “And how about how you feel about it? Isn’t that more important? He was the one in control, not you.”

Iruka shook his head. “He was never in control.”

“Then he’s dangerous,” Genma argued. “He needs to be locked up.”

Iruka hit him. Genma hadn’t been expecting it, and flew across the aisle to land painfully in a stack of cans. “Wha-?”

Iruka stormed over to him and grabbed him by the front of his shirt. “I’m sorry Genma-san, but please don’t say that. It’s not his fault he is the way that he is, and he doesn’t deserve to be treated like shit.”

“Neither do you,” Genma replied automatically, still slightly in shock that the mild mannered teacher had punched him.

“Then stop treating me like a child and let me make my own decisions. And give Kakashi a chance.” Iruka helped him up and started restacking the cans patiently. 

Genma gawked. It seemed that a lot of ninja must cause trouble in the supermarket because no one had come rushing to check what the noise was all about, and those who were walking past barely spared a glance for the man sitting among piles of canned soup.

“Alright, I’m going to let it go for now. But if he hurts you one more time I’m going to kick his ass into next week.”

“Genma.” Iruka looked at him tiredly. “You’re not going to do anything to him. He’s kicking his own ass at the moment and it hurts to see him so unsure of himself. You’ll only make it worse. Be nice to him.”

Genma hmphed and turned away, forgetting that he was supposed to be helping Iruka take his groceries home. “Only for you,” he muttered.

Iruka smiled softly and continued stacking the cans. Jōnin were amazingly similar to pre-genin, he’d decided. Just big children who unfortunately could perform incredible jutsu.

 

“What do you want from me.”

Despite the seriousness of the situation Tsunade found herself repressing a snigger. The infamous Copy-nin was slouching in front of her desk, looking bored and generally uncaring, covered in flour.

“Ah, yes,” she said after depositing her entire cup of ‘tea’ into her mouth, “I need you to go on a mission.”

Kakashi’s posture didn’t change, and his voice gave no hint of emotion. “You promised three days with Iruka. It’s been two.”

“I know, I know, I’m very sorry about that. I’ll pay you double for this assignment.”

Kakashi’s visible eye narrowed slightly. “I don’t care for money.”

Tsunade smiled brightly. “Ah, but you could buy Iruka-sensei a nice present with it.”

Kakashi considered informing her that Iruka would rather have his presence than a present, but he wasn’t completely sure about it. After what he’d done to the man’s kitchen he’d probably rather have a present. For some reason he became a kind of walking disaster around the chūnin. “I have money.”

Tsunade frowned. “Look brat, I’m not asking this of you, I’m telling you. You’re going on this mission, whether you like it or not.”

“Not if it’s ANBU,” Kakashi said stubbornly.

“It isn’t, I’m giving it to you as a jōnin.” _It should be, but I want you to do it. The ranking is not important._ “I promise you a week off to spend with your little teacher when you come back, alright?” _You’ll probably be completely chakra depleted and unable to actually go on missions when you get back._

“You just broke your last promise. Why should I believe you now?”

Tsunade sighed heavily and scrambled around on the desk for a pen and paper. “I, the Godaime Hokage, swear that Hatake Kakashi will receive seven days after his current mission to rest and will not be required to perform any duties to the village during this time. Happy?” She wrote as she spoke and scribbled a large signature on the bottom.

Kakashi took the paper and glanced at it. For some reason he felt like he wasn’t getting a very good deal, but he wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. He folded the paper and tucked it into a small pocket on the inside of his flak jacket. “Alright, what do you want from me?”

“I need you to find these three men.” Tsunade slipped a folder across the desk for Kakashi to look at. He nodded and pushed up his hitai ate to study the profiles with his sharingan. Two jōnin and a chūnin. If he was careful it wouldn’t be that hard to get them.

“They were spotted by Inuzuka Tsume and Kuromaru on the Eastern borders. We don’t know what they’re doing there, but she said they were acting suspicious. We think they’re planning an attack, but we need to find out whether they are acting on their own or on behalf of Rock.”

“So you want me to infiltrate their camp.”

“Yes.” Tsunade nodded. “I need you to find out as much as you can. Your prerogative what you do with them afterwards, depending on what you find out.”

“So why is it so important to use me for this mission?” Kakashi knew he was pushing it. He had no right to question the Hokage but he was getting pissed off at being treated like a toy.

“Sending more than one person would make it easier for them to spot you. Your dogs can take you to them, you’re fast, you’re good at infiltration and if you happened to get caught you have a good chance of surviving because you’re also powerful. You’re a great asset to this village, brat.”

“Hn.” What could he say to that? “I’ll be leaving now, Tsunade-sama.” He bowed.

“Ne, Kakashi?” 

He glanced up.

“You might want to change your uniform first. Seeing as it’s an infiltration mission and all.” Tsunade’s smile was so wide it almost split her face in half, but she was doing a good job hiding her giggles.

Kakashi looked down at himself. _Oh._ He was still covered in flour. There was no way Iruka wouldn’t have noticed that. Had his chūnin been pulling a little prank on him? His lips twitched upwards. He liked that thought.

“And send Iruka-sensei in when you go out, alright?” Tsunade called after him as he headed out the door.

 _What would she want to talk to Iruka for,_ he wondered. _She better not send him on a mission. He needs to be kept safe and sound inside the village._

“Kakashi!” Iruka was indeed standing outside the door, looking uncomfortable between the two ANBU guards. “Are you going on a mission?”

Kakashi nodded. “Leaving now.” He wanted to pull the younger man into a hug or do something to show that he cared, because what if he died on this mission? But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. His mind was tangled up in 'what if Iruka doesn’t want to be associated with me? What if I embarrass him, and in front of the ANBU too?'

Iruka didn’t seem to have the same problem. He flung his arms around Kakashi’s waist and kissed him on a masked cheek. “Be safe,” he whispered, and Kakashi wrapped his arms around his back. It was nice, he decided, to have someone who cared whether he came back alive or not. Someone who cared not because he was a good weapon, but because he was Kakashi.

He almost laughed when he realised his fears of Iruka not wanting to be associated with him were completely unnecessary anyway; they were possibly the only two flour coated ninja in the village and shinobi did not get to be ANBU if they lacked observation skills.

“Tsunade wants to see you,” he said as he carefully untangled himself from his chūnin’s clinging limbs. “My mission is urgent, but I’ll be back as soon as I can. Okay?”

Iruka nodded, because there was nothing else he could do. Kakashi belonged first and foremost to Konoha, and not to him. Kakashi smiled, and he was sure that he was the only one that could tell, a fact that warmed his insides a little. “Goodbye.” Kakashi dropped a kiss on his forehead and was gone.

Iruka held on to his happy feeling as he pushed open the heavy oak door. He had the feeling that he’d need all the happiness he could get.

“Iruka-sensei, come sit with me. Drink some tea,” Tsunade said happily as she heard the doors opening once again, pouring sake into teacups. She took a sip and looked up. Her eyes widened and she unceremoniously spat out her sake. “What on earth were you two doing?”

Iruka remembered the flour too late. Damn Genma and his distractions. “Baking a cake,” he answered in a level voice. “And you know that sake poured into teacups still counts as sake, right? It doesn’t automatically change into tea because of the vessel.”

Tsunade decided to ignore the last part and snorted. “Hatake Kakashi does not bake. He doesn’t do anything that doesn’t directly relate to fighting.”

Iruka knew that it was a bad idea to argue with the Hokage. He knew that it would get him in a large amount of trouble. But he was goddamn _sick_ of people talking about Kakashi as if he was simply a tool. “Kakashi is a person,” he spat, fists balling. “He’s not just your fighting machine. And if he wants to bake then he can damn well bake.” He scratched his nose, his anger fading and feeling slightly embarrassed by his outburst. “Well, he can try to, anyway.”

Tsunade stared at him, surprised, and wondered how the hell Kakashi had managed to get him so loyal. “I meant it when I said sit down, I want to talk to you.” She waved at a chair in front of the desk. “About Kakashi, actually.”

She finished off her drink then picked up Iruka’s cup, draining that as well and pouring seconds. Iruka crept forward cautiously. She hadn’t said anything about his complete lack of respect and she wanted to talk about Kakashi. Both things seemed pretty ominous. “Sit, sit. Don’t be shy.”

 _She can’t be drunk… can she?_ Iruka sat down in the chair she was pointing at because his knees were shaking so much he didn’t think they’d hold up for much longer. _What is the correct response if the Hokage starts hitting on you? Are you allowed to refuse?_ Iruka wished profusely that sensible old Sandaime was still alive. At least he actually drank tea.

“I’m curious,” Tsunade said, setting aside her teacup, “As to why you’re so protective of the brat after what he’s done to you.”

 _The brat? Does she mean Kakashi?_ “D-done to me?” _She can’t know anything, she can’t._

Tsunade watched with interest as the teacher’s face paled a few shades, and he gripped his knees tightly. _He would be useless under interrogation,_ she mused. _He shows his feelings much too openly._ Still it was refreshing to see someone like that after the hoards of emotionless ninja who moved through her office daily. “You know, raping you and all that.” She made it sound like an offhand comment, but it was killing her inside to say it.

Iruka’s eyes widened, and he was actually shaking. “Kakashi wouldn’t,” he hissed. “He wouldn’t!”

 _Well, that’s interesting._ Tsunade tipped her head to one side. _Denial, or something else?_ “But he did. Why are you protecting him?”

The well-loved teacher’s eyes were shimmering with unshed tears. “It’s not him,” he said quietly. “He doesn’t mean to do it. Please don’t hurt him.”

 _So the fear is for Kakashi, not himself? I doubt that brat has had anyone scared for him before._ “I don’t intend to hurt him,” she said gently, stroking Iruka’s trembling hand softly. “I just want you to tell me the differences between Kakashi and Hound, if you can.”

Iruka snatched his hand back and shoved it in between his knees to keep it from shaking. “I – why?”

“I want to know more to see if I can do anything about it. It’s important that Kakashi is stable, and hurting you seems to make him freak out. I also don’t like it when any of my shinobi are injured, particularly when it’s by someone from the same village.” Tsunade signed and drummed her fingers on the desk. “I won’t make you say anything, but I’d like you to.”

“I don’t know what to say, Hokage-sama.” Iruka wanted to crawl up in a ball and die. He was glad that she didn’t seem to blame Kakashi for any of this, but it didn’t mean he wanted to share his sex life with her.

“Well to start with, how does Kakashi treat you?”

Iruka bowed his head in thought. “He’s actually kind of shy. Insecure, but he teases me a lot. And gropes me, but if I said no and meant it I know he’d stop.”

“And in bed?”

Iruka clenched his fists. “He’s gentle, he looks after me. What am I supposed to say? I enjoy it.”

“If Kakashi came home from a mission and was Hound would you be able to tell?”

“Yes.”

“How?” Tsunade asked. She didn’t like making the man uncomfortable, but it was necessary.

“Kakashi always has a shower before he comes to me, no matter what his mission was. And he wakes me up. I know he does it on purpose, because he could easily get into bed without me knowing. Hound comes in my bedroom window and just… touches me.”

“Any differences in the way they touch you?”

“Hound isn’t interested in whether I enjoy it or not, he just wants to get himself off. He wears the mask, and keeps most of his uniform on too. ‘Kashi likes getting naked, but Hound wants to show that he’s in charge so he just strips me. ‘Kashi doesn’t mind letting me have control.”

“Kakashi doesn’t wear the mask when he’s with you?” She’d noticed how he was using the pet name. Iruka hadn’t. She really wanted to ask what his face looked like but didn’t dare. Iruka was in a fragile enough emotional state as it was. She had the feeling he would attack her for trying to invade his lover’s privacy.

“No, he knows that I don’t like it.” Iruka shook his head firmly.

She obviously wasn’t going to get anything else on that. “So what’s Hound like, have you talked to him?” Tsunade decided to change track.

“Not really. He thinks I’m beneath him and unimportant, calls me Chūnin. He doesn’t talk much, just – uses actions and not words to get his point across.” Iruka gave a little smile. “’Kashi likes to talk when we’re together. He likes to tease me and talks dirty.”

Tsunade frowned. From the way Iruka was talking Kakashi and Hound were complete opposites. But the Kakashi Iruka was talking about was not one anyone else saw, of that she was certain. “Iruka, what does Kakashi call you?” _Not Chūnin, I bet._

Iruka smiled, and she could see how he’d managed to get the antisocial Copy-nin to fall in love with him. Nobody could resist someone with a face that beautifully honest. “’Ruka,” he said. “He calls me ‘Ruka.”


	20. Chapter 20

His legs were cramping, his back was aching and he was frozen to his core. Kakashi hated missions like this, where all he could do is watch and wait. It had taken him four days to find the rouge ninjas, and that in itself annoyed him. That was four days he could have spent with Iruka. He knew he had to be careful not to get in over his head because Hound might decide he needed to take over.

The group of ninja he was studying seemed to be working under their own steam and not on order of their village as only two out of the four of them wore hitai-ate, and on those the rock symbol was scratched out. That didn’t mean anything though, as it could all just be a ploy to make them believe this attack wasn’t spearheaded by Rock. 

Kakashi frowned. He was already slightly off balance as Tsunade had said there were three ninja. The fact that there were four gave the possibility that there was more, and he’d have to be on high alert in case one came up behind him. The four he was watching wouldn’t be too much trouble if it came down to a battle, but if he was captured he wouldn’t have much of a chance to get out. Two of the men were jōnin level and the others were high chūnin at least, making them formidable opponents if there really was another in their band who could manage to get the jump on him. He resisted the urge to stretch his legs.

“It’s not hard,” a large, scarred man was saying, gesturing wildly with his clenched fist, “You have this and the civilian women jump all over you.” He tapped his hitai-ate with a chunky finger and adopted a squeaky falsetto, wiggling his hips. “Oooh, ninja-sama, have your wicked way with me.”

The other three men laughed. Kakashi wanted to bang his head against the tree he was sitting in until his brains flew out.

A skinny man with long, greasy black hair smirked. Kakashi had him pegged as a chūnin. “It’s so much better if they don’t want it though, ne? I love the screams my women make as I plunder their wet holes.” He gave a wicked grin. “Even better when it’s the new genin, who think they’re so tough and know so much about the world. I love to disillusion them of their stupid dreams.”

The man next to him, an unremarkable thug more stocky than anything else, thumped him on the back in agreement. “Aye, Izanagi-san, next time we should team up. The fear in their eyes is more beautiful than anything.”

Kakashi decided he wouldn’t feel guilty for killing them. He had decided it was unlikely these goons had been sent to attack Konoha by their village, but Rock nins were particularly noted for their course language and habits. He had no idea if they were really acting on their own or if all ninja from Rock were assholes. All he could do was continue waiting until they said something to convict themselves.

 

Iruka wanted Kakashi back. Mostly because he missed the jōnin and his warm smiles and teasing touches, but partly because he wanted the ‘homecoming’ part over with. He wasn’t completely sure Hound was gone for good, and he hated Tsunade with more venom than he’d thought he could possibly feel for sending his lover away. He really didn’t want to deal with Hound, but he’d do it if he had to – _what am I thinking, if I have to? It’s not like I have any choice in the matter._ He shook his head at himself in disgust. It was kind of pathetic, but he really would do anything for Kakashi.

He’d had to start teaching again yesterday. His legs were jelly, but he’d pushed down his fear and strode into the classroom as if it didn’t hurt, as if the mere sight of his desk didn’t make him want to throw up. 

Raidō had gotten him a new desk, and rearranged his classroom. It gave him a little bit of an edge and he clung to it, making a mental note to thank the jōnin later. He smiled at his class, who immediately bombarded him with questions.

“Sensei, where have you been?”

“The substitute was horrible.”

“We missed you so much!”

“Never leave us again!”

“Iruka-sensei, you’re the best teacher ever.”

Iruka had no idea how he’d managed to get through that first day. He was now ending his second, and he still saw flashes of pale skin and blood whenever he closed his eyes. He wanted Kakashi back, and he was well aware how fucked up it made him that the man who was causing him pain also happened to be the only one who could take it away.

“Hey, you busy?” Raidō popped his head around the door and Iruka smiled tiredly at him. Raidō smiled back and walked over to ruffle his hair gently, causing strands to fall out of his ponytail. Iruka found he didn’t mind, in fact he craved the contact. It helped him forget. 

“No, I haven’t really given the kids much homework. I was hoping to take on a shift at the mission desk, give Ko the night off.” _Because I don’t want to go back to my empty apartment just to think about him._

“It’ll get easier,” Raidō said quietly. “Each day you finish will bring you closer to accepting it and moving on.”

“Yeah.” Iruka stared down at his hands. “I know, but it’s still hard.”

“You should come for drinks with me and Genma, we were going to go out tonight,” Raidō said, his voice brightening to the point where it almost made Iruka wince. “Just relax a bit, and have fun with friends.”

“Are you sure?” Iruka asked hesitantly. That sounded like a good idea. He wouldn’t mind getting drunk enough to pass out so he wouldn’t have to think anymore. “Are you sure I won’t be intruding? I mean, I already stayed at your place for ages. I don’t really want to come between you.”

Raidō laughed. “I’m a lot older than you, Iruka. I don’t find it all that hard to go for a week without sex.”

“But I thought Genma was supposed to be a sex addict or something? Like he’s always flirting with everyone?” Iruka blushed, and bowed his head. For the life of him he couldn’t figure out why he had said that.

He was expecting to get a ‘mind your own business’ at the very least, but Raidō only smiled. “You’re one of the few people who have found out what Gen really likes and yet you’re saying that?”

 _Oh, that’s right. Genma’s a… a masochist._ “But he’s always saying dirty stuff,” Iruka mumbled.

“I think you’re really the only one he says that kind of stuff to,” Raidō said, “Because he thinks it’s cute when you blush.”

Iruka couldn’t stop his cheeks from turning red at that and Raidō took pity on him. “Come on, just a couple of drinks. Me and Gen will watch over you.”

He was surprised when he heard his mouth say, “Okay.”

 

“And so we gagged her with her own underwear, she had this really long blonde hair that was just begging to be pulled.”

“I fucked her from behind while you got her front, right Iza?”

“Yeah, she looked really good with two dicks holding her open.”

“What did you do with her afterwards?”

“We kept her for something like a week, right? She was a real pretty one.”

“Yeah such a pretty bit of pussy would have been a waste to only use her once.”

“She could really take a cock, remember? No matter where you put it.”

“That’s right, we kept her in that cave. We just left her there when she stopped fighting back.”

“Yeah ‘cause when they stop fighting they stop being interesting.”

Nods and murmurs of agreement. Kakashi felt sick. He wished they would stop talking about rape because it was making his sharingan spin into action and give him glimpses into memories of things he’d never been aware of happening. He didn’t know if the part of his mind that was Hound was showing him this to be spiteful or if it was just the vulgar words which nudged the memories into play and either way he didn’t care. He just wanted it to stop.

_Pale hands – his hands – raking down taut, tanned skin, clutching perfect round ass cheeks and viciously spreading them apart to reveal a tight, unprepared hole. Then his cock, ramming into the trembling chūnin, breaking him, making his face twist into pained expressions that had no business being on such a beautiful face._

Kakashi had never hated himself as much as he did at this moment. He still could not figure out why Iruka had not run as fast as he could the first time this had happened, and a secret selfish part of him was glad that he hadn’t. _I’m sorry, Iruka. But I need you._

 

Genma hadn’t seemed surprised to see that Iruka was tagging along, a fact which made the chūnin particularly grateful. He’d just grinned, flicking his senbon upwards, and said, “One night in bed with us is just not enough, is it? You have to come back for more.”

Radio hit him and Iruka blushed. “Don’t say that too loud.”

Genma just smirked at him. “Why not? Afraid someone might get the wrong idea?”

Raidō glared at him. “It’s self-preservation, baka. If Kakashi ever heard you say that your head would be separated from your body before you get the chance to explain you’re joking.”

The special jōnin just shrugged. “It’s not my fault his boyfriend prefers to sleep in my bed.”

Raidō’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “Shiranui Genma,” he hissed, words cold as steel, “If you make one more disgusting innuendo about Iruka you will not get laid this week, and he and I will go to the bar without you.”

Genma backed away slowly. “I was just joking, Rai.”

Raidō glared.

“I’m sorry, Iruka. I’ll be good from now on.”

“That’s better.” Raidō’s face lightened considerably. “Now we have to move quickly, because if we get there after Anko she’ll spot us and I really don’t want to talk to her.”

“Why not?” Iruka asked, curious. He didn’t make a habit of going to pubs, and had only a vague idea of what went on in them.

“She drinks a lot, and rambles.”

“And tries to get anyone she can to sleep with her,” Genma added with a grin. “Rai just doesn’t want your precious little virgin brain to be deflowered.”

“I’m not interested in women.” Iruka smiled faintly. “And you should know by now that I’m not a virgin.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean in the literal sense.” Genma waved a hand in front of his face offhandedly. “Just that you have an innocent mind. Don’t want you to be corrupted, and all that.”

Iruka seethed. He didn’t like being called innocent, especially not after what he’d had to go through in the past few weeks.  
“Oh, excuse me.” 

Iruka looked up to see a handsome ninja he’d never seen before standing in front of him. The mystery nin was smiling sheepishly and rubbing the back of his head in a surprisingly Kakashi-like way. “I’m kind of new to town, I was wondering if you might be kind enough to direct me to a hotel, or something.”

“Oh, no problem.” Iruka smiled at the other man. He wasn’t wearing a uniform or hitai-ate, rather a pair of tight jeans and a form-fitting sweatshirt, but the glow of chakra around him suggested shinobi training. “Actually, we were just going out to have a few drinks. Would you like to join us? I know how hard it is to get to know people in a new village.”

The other man’s face lit up. “Oh, would you really? I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

Iruka glanced at Raidō, who just shrugged at him. “No, it’s fine. My name is Iruka, by the way. This is Raidō, and that’s Genma.”

“I thank you, Iruka-san.” The man bowed. “My name is Zankokuna, but most people call me Zan.”

Genma and Raidō exchanged a glance. Iruka nodded blithely and smiled at his new friend. “Okay, Zan-kun. So why did you come to Konoha?”

Zan smiled sadly. “My mother died when I was small and it’s only been me and my father for a long time. He passed away recently, and as he was the only thing keeping me at home I decided I’d take the inheritance money and travel with it. I’ve always wanted to see Konohagakure, and so I came here first.”

“It is a beautiful village,” Iruka said happily. He was proud of his village and was pleased every time a visitor complemented it, almost as if he himself had made it that way.

“With beautiful people in it,” Zan said, gazing into Iruka’s eyes.

Iruka beamed, missing the point entirely. “Yes, Konoha’s citizens are amazing.” He blushed a little and scratched at his nose to hide it. “Well, I guess I’m kind of biased. I’ve never really been anywhere else.”

“I can’t believe that! Aren’t you a ninja?”

“Well, yeah, but I don’t really do a lot of missions.” Iruka smiled self-consciously. “I’m a teacher, mostly.”

They were at the bar by the time Iruka realised that neither Genma nor Raidō had spoken since Zan had joined their group. “Hey, are you two alright? You’ve been very quiet.”

“I just really need a drink.” Genma shot a warning glare at Zan and stalked off towards the bar.

Raidō shrugged apologetically. “Remember what you were saying about him before? Well, he hasn’t gotten laid in a while. Makes him a little tetchy.”

Iruka stared at him in surprise. It didn’t seem quite the truth, somehow. “Well, you should probably fix that,” he said slowly.

Raidō’s face split into a wide grin. “Oh, definitely.” He bid Iruka farewell without a second glance at Zan and stalked off in the direction Genma had disappeared in.

“What was that about?” Zan asked curiously.

“Nothing really. I guess it was just a bit of a lovers spat.” Iruka shrugged. Something was off about the way the two special jōnin were acting. He was sure they had been fine before Zan had come along.

“So they’re gay?”

“Uhuh,” Iruka answered without thinking, and threaded his way through the crowd to a table, Zan following.

“Iruka darling, whadda you doin’ here?” Anko leaned heavily on his shoulder, much too far into his personal space, and eyeballed Zan. “Ooh, you gotta nice piecea ass there. He for sale?”

“No.” Iruka carefully extracted himself from the drunken jōnin’s limbs, ending up sitting much closer to Zan than he’d intended. “Anko-san, you need to work on a little thing called politeness.”

“You’re not on offer then, are you ‘Ruka? I bet you have a pretty hot body under all that uniform.” Without warning Anko shoved a cold hand up his shirt.

“No, he’s not.” Genma’s voice was cold and hard, and Anko immediately retreated, pouting.

“You’re no fun, Genma-kun. You used to be a good lay.”

Genma glared at her and she wobbled off to annoy someone else.

“Thank you, Genma-san.” Iruka smiled at him. “Rai was right, it would have been nice to have avoided her.”

Genma shrugged and slipped two beers across the table to him. “It’s Anko, you can never avoid her. She’ll probably be back later.” He eyed Zan warily. “So where are you from, originally?”

“Iwa,” Zan said. “I’m not much of a ninja though, I struggled to even pass the chūnin exams. I don’t think I’ll ever make jōnin.” He sighed.  
Genma studied his chakra carefully. He could be telling the truth, but if he were jōnin level he’d probably be skilled enough to hide his chakra properly anyway. Iruka smiled at Zan consolingly. “That’s not a bad thing. I don’t ever want to make jōnin. If I did I wouldn’t be allowed to teach my kids.”

“So you’re still a chūnin too?”

Iruka nodded. “Sandaime asked me to try out for jōnin once but I didn’t really want to. That was a long time ago, though. I probably don’t have the skill now.”

Genma scowled and took a long drag from his beer. “You should train a little and stop letting stupid Copy-nin’s take advantage of you.”

Iruka narrowed his eyes. “Do you really think I’d ever have a chance at beating him, even if I trained my whole life? I don’t think so. I wouldn’t want to hurt him even if I could, anyway.”

“Well he seems to think it’s fine to hurt you,” Genma shot back.

“Genma. You’re supposed to be helping him, not attacking him.” Raidō slid into the booth beside his boyfriend and gave Iruka an apologetic smile. 

“I just don’t like -”

“Go dance or something, Gen. Let out your energy in some other way.” 

“I don’t want to dance,” Genma said sulkily, biting down on his senbon. 

“Then stop being such a downer. Kakashi is a banned topic from now on, okay?” Raidō said with a harsh glare at Genma.

“You mean Sharingan no Kakashi?” Zan spoke up, a look of wonder on his face. “He’s really famous. Even everyone in my village knows who he is.”

Raidō sighed and rubbed his forehead with his fingers. “Yes, he is, but we’re not going to talk about him anymore.”

“Do you not like him either, Raidō?”

Iruka was looking at him with such hurt in his eyes he found it impossible to say that yes, he hated the man and would gladly kill him. “We’re not exactly friends,” he said slowly. “Anyway, we shouldn’t get into all this, especially when we have a guest. Tonight was meant to be for letting go and not worrying, right?”

“I’m not really sure I want to be here now,” Iruka said quietly. “Neither of you trust him, and you obviously don’t trust me either.”

“Can you blame me?” Raidō asked. “After how I found you, and how you just went straight back to him. I trust you, but not your judgement.”

“He needs somebody to love him.”

“He needs to be kicked in the jaw.”

“No,” Iruka cried. “I love him.”

Genma grabbed one of his hands and squeezed it softly, voice quiet. “Has he ever said he loves you, though? I’m not sure he’s actually capable of loving anyone.”

“He does,” Iruka said miserably, not quite believing himself. “I’m going home.”

“Wait,” Zan said, grabbing his sleeve as he stood up to leave. “Would you perhaps be able to point out a place I could stay for the night? I don’t know where any hotels are.”

Iruka stared at him for a while then turned his gaze onto Genma and Raidō. “Oh, that’s right. It’s not just Kakashi you two don’t like, you also don’t trust me to make friends. I’ve seen you both looking at him funny all night, don’t think I haven’t noticed. Come on Zan, you can stay at my place tonight. I’m sure I have a spare futon somewhere.”

Genma and Raidō watched with wide eyes as Iruka and the Rock nin walked out of the bar. “I don’t trust that guy,” Genma muttered.

“Neither,” Raidō said, “But what can we do? If we follow him he’ll get mad.”

Genma slumped down, his face buried in his folded arms. “We really fucked that one up, didn’t we?” he said, his voice muffled by his shirt.

Raidō snorted. “You did. The point was to get him to stop thinking about Kakashi, not to get him on the defensive about him.”

“I know.” Genma sighed. “It’s just that the Kakashi I knew is not the nicest guy in the world, and I think Iruka deserves better.”

“He seems happy with him, though. Sometimes.”

“Yeah, and other times he’s falling apart. There are so many things about that relationship that are wrong.”

Raidō sipped his beer contemplatively. “Maybe we should just let him make his own decisions. It’s not like he’s a child.”

“Compared to Kakashi he might as well be.”

“Hn.”

 

“I’m so glad I left that stuck-up village,” the greasy Izanagi said, smirking. “Apparently my ability to sleep with whoever I want isn’t all that appreciated.”

“Hear, hear,” said the biggest man with the scarred face, “They don’t like it when you sleep with the Daiymo’s daughter either.”

One of the other men – they looked the same to Kakashi – snorted. “That’s understandable, the Daiymo’s daughter is twelve.”

The big man laughed. “Well she wasn’t when I had my way with her.”

Kakashi almost breathed a sigh of relief. This was exactly what he needed to hear and now he could just kill them all.

Izanagi lay down on his back, resting his arms behind his head. “How long is that brat going to take?”

Kakashi, who’d just been about to attack, froze. There was another one?

“You know him,” the big man said. “He’ll probably take some pretty boy to bed and work on getting the information only after he’s satisfied his fix. He’s good, no one ever suspects him, but it’ll take him a few days to get back to us, the little slut.”

“Geez, I still don’t understand why he goes after cock when he could just as easily get a nice pussy.” Izanagi shook his head in disgust.

“I can see the appeal,” one of the other men said. “It’s probably much more satisfying to subdue a man than a pathetic female. A lot more fun to break them.”

Kakashi couldn’t handle it anymore. He sent two kunai straight through the back of the man who was speaking, effectively silencing him for good.

“What the hell!” Izanagi was yelling and scrambling to his feet, still trying to get his bearings as Kakashi’s chidori slammed through his chest.  
He dispatched the other nondescript man without a problem, then turned to face the large scarred one. He’d already picked this guy to be the leader of the group, and knew he would be trouble. Still, he had more that enough hatred streaming through his veins to help him kill this guy easily.

“Hatake Kakashi,” the man said, grinning. “I’m flattered. You must have been here for a while. Did you enjoy our little stories?”

Kakashi growled.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” The other man lunged forward, and Kakashi slipped gracefully to the side. He was going to enjoy killing this man.  
The man moved surprisingly fluidly for his size, but Kakashi was faster, and stronger. He felt a sick sense of satisfaction as he watched the light dim and disappear from the nin’s eyes. 

Kakashi sliced his thumb, made a few signs, and his favourite little dog sat in front of him, grinning. “Did you mess up with Iruka-sensei again?” the pug accused.

Kakashi didn’t comment. “I need you to find a scent around here that isn’t theirs.” He gestured to the four dead men at his feet. 

Pakkun sniffed around obligingly. “Got it. You want me to follow it?”

“No.” Kakashi dragged the four bodies into a pile along with the rest of their stuff and cast a decomposition jutsu on them. “He’s in Konoha, so you can track the scent from the gate instead of here, if that’s easier for you.”

“Alright.” The little pug leaped into the trees, heading toward Konoha. Kakashi followed.


	21. Chapter 21

“Here we are.” Iruka fished around in his pocket for his keys and flashed his new friend an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry that I haven’t been the best company.”

Zan smiled back. “Oh no, you’ve been amazing. You didn’t have to let me stay here, you could have just let me go to a hotel.”

Iruka shook his head as he finally got the door open. “There’s only one hotel around here and they’re not keen on foreign shinobi, it’s mostly for civilians who are visiting. It wouldn’t have been a pleasant stay, and I want you to know how beautiful and hospitable Konoha can be.”

“Well, thank you anyway, Iruka-san.”

“Maa, don’t call me that. Iruka is fine.” Iruka froze. Since when had he taken up Kakashi’s lazy speech habits?

Zan didn’t seem to notice, he was too busy assessing the room. “Cosy place you have here,” he mused. “Do you live by yourself?”

Iruka blushed and scratched his nose. “No, my boyfriend moved in recently.”

If Zan looked slightly disappointed at that Iruka didn’t notice. “Wouldn’t he be mad that you brought another guy home?”

“Oh!” Iruka hadn’t thought about that. Kakashi would definitely be mad, but it wasn’t like he’d done anything wrong. Kakashi would just have to understand that he liked to help people. “Well, he’s on a mission right now, and it’s not like you’re going to be sleeping with me. He’ll just have to deal with it.”

Iruka gave a nervous chuckle. A jealous, possessive Kakashi he could probably handle, but he didn’t dare even think of what would happen if it was Hound who came in his window. He didn’t dare think of Hound at all.

Zan smirked at him. “So you’re not the type to cheat? I guessed as much.”

Iruka frowned at him, trying to understand what he was getting at. “Of course not.” _Even if I wanted to, which I don’t, cheating would result in Hound tearing my guts out. And more than likely my partner’s as well._

“That’s a pity.”

Iruka took a step back. “W-what?”

“Oh, nothing.” Zan waved a hand in front of his face nonchalantly and gave a disarming grin. “So where am I sleeping then? You said you had a futon, right?”

“Oh, y-yes.” _Surely he didn’t just suggest that he wanted to…_ “I’ll get it for you now.”

Slightly ill at ease, Iruka walked into his bedroom – his and Kakashi’s bedroom, he reminded himself with a smile – and knelt down beside the bed. There was a gap underneath it that was the perfect space to tuck away a spare futon, and he’d been delighted when he’d figured that out. Unfortunately it was a bit difficult to remove and he swore at it under his breath. He hadn’t had the best day, and the stupid futon was making it worse. 

A slight flash at the edge of his vision made him look up. The walls of his room were glowing. Where have I seen this jutsu before? He turned to look at Zan, who was stalking towards him with a predatory grin on his face. _Oh._ His stomach plummeted to somewhere around his ankles. _Hound used that jutsu when he – in the classroom. This can’t happen. Not again._ “Zan-san?” he said shakily. “What is that for?”

“Well.” Suddenly Zan was standing right next to him, cupping his face with a rough hand. He fought not to flinch. “I really wanted to be your first, so I was disappointed when you said you had a boyfriend. And I really wanted you to give yourself to me, but seeing as you don’t cheat this isn’t going to go the easy way. Now, are you going to be a good boy and not struggle? Or are you going to make this exciting for me?”

 

Kakashi was mad, streaking through the forest towards Konoha. Tsunade always got the important missions wrong. _Oh sorry, Kakashi, I had it from a good source that there was only six missing nin. But twenty wasn’t that hard for you to beat, right?_ He scowled. He really didn’t want anyone to get hurt because of him. He wouldn’t wish rape on anyone.

Iruka’s chunnin friends, what were their names? Yes, Izumo and Kotetsu – they’d be prime candidates for this guy, from what he’d heard. Pretty boys. Genma, maybe, but that depended on how strong the rock nin was. And although Genma could appear thick he actually had a pretty good head on his shoulders. Especially if Raidō was there to force him to think things through.

He didn’t know much about Izumo and Kotetsu, but from what he did know they weren’t that strong. Desk ninja through and through, even though Iruka would murder him for calling them that. 

It was a few more minutes before his brain caught up with him. _Iruka._ Of course, Iruka himself was the prime candidate sucker for a Rock nin wanting to fuck a pretty chūnin. If the guy appeared at all disadvantaged or different Iruka would immediately take him under his wing, no questions asked. _Shit._ He doubled his speed.

“Hey – puff – Boss, slow down!”

Kakashi stopped midstride and almost fell out of the tree he’d just landed on. “I can’t run that fast,” Pakkun complained as soon as he was sitting on the same branch, panting. “Tracking’s my speciality, remember? Not sprinting.”

Kakashi frowned at him, irritated. “If you can’t run that fast, then let me carry you.”

“I’m a nin-dog, not a pansy.” Pakkun looked as offended as a pug could. “I will not be carried.”

“Dammit, Pakkun, stop being so prissy. Get in my arms.”

“No.”

“Do it.” Kakashi glared. Pakkun glared back.

“I’m not going to be carried like some useless puppy.”

“You used to like it when you small. And you’re not a useless puppy, you’re an unfit dog. It’s not a lot better.”

“Hn.” Pakkun grunted. “If you’re just going to insult me, I don’t think I should help you at all.”

“Pakkun, you have to!” Kakashi’s voice was no longer flat or bored; the slight change in pitch was, for him, hysterical. “Iruka could be in danger.”

“Iruka-sensei?” That changed things. Pakkun liked Iruka, he gave him steak, and Kakashi seemed nicer the longer he spent around the affable chūnin. “Okay,” he muttered, “But you owe me a steak and don’t you dare tell any of the others that I agreed to this.”

Kakashi nodded more enthusiastically than necessary. “Up.” He held out his arms. Pakkun jumped into them, and he turned once more in the direction of Konoha.

 

Iruka took a step back, realising for the first time that he knew nothing about the other man in the room. Even his name might not be real. “If you touch me, he will kill you.”

“Your boyfriend?” Zan grinned, showing all his teeth. “What if I cut out your tongue, so you can’t tell him, hmm? Although I bet you make some pretty noises when you’re being fucked.”

“He’ll be able to smell you.” Iruka was frantically glancing around his room for anything to use as a weapon. He had a sinking feeling that he was desperately outclassed. “And he will hunt you down and kill you, then kill everyone close to you.” He hadn’t thought about it before, but he didn’t doubt that Kakashi would.

“That’s alright. I don’t really have anyone close to me. And I like to live on the edge.”

“You will die.” _In an extremely painful way, if Hound has anything to do with it._

“Your ‘boyfriend’ is Hatake Kakashi, right? I doubt he cares about you that much. He’s a soldier. Even your friends think he doesn’t care.” Zan moved forward swiftly and pinned him against the wall by his wrists, a knee pushed up between his legs to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. 

Iruka felt the surge of chakra and his only thought was, _I’m fucked._ But he couldn’t help his eyes flashing, and retorting, “You don’t know anything about him.”

Zan sighed, and swiped his tongue along Iruka’s cheek. “You’re missing the point here, honey,” he purred. “The point is I couldn’t give a rats ass about your darling boyfriend. I’m here, and he’s not. So I get to play with you.”

“You don’t mind dying then?” Iruka tried very hard not to flinch, and failed.

Zan laughed, low and hollow. ‘Darling, I’m not going to die. But you’re going to wish you could.”

 

_The Rock nin is not touching my Iruka. He’s holed up in a hotel somewhere, waiting for morning. Really, what are the chances? There are lots of other pretty men in Konoha, I’m sure._

Kakashi was trying to convince himself not to worry, but his genius brain provided him with answers he didn’t want anyway.

_Pretty good chances, actually. Iruka’s good-looking in an almost feminine sort of way, weak enough to be overpowered by a crafty enough jōnin and nice enough to take a stranger in when no one else would._

He swore, and picked up the pace. Pakkun watched his master, concerned, his ears flapping behind him comically in the breeze.

 

His wrists were bound with chakra wire and tied to the head of the bed. His feet were tied to the foot of the bed, one to each corner. He was still clothed, but he figured that would change pretty soon.

 _How did I end up like this?_ he wondered. He had known he wouldn’t be able to match Zan in skill, but he’d figured he’d get in at least a few good shots. Instead he was much slower than he’d thought he was, and Zan had overpowered him without a problem.

Zan, who was currently rooting around in his drawers, looked at him and flashed him a grin. “You’re so cute, you know that? But you’re not a very good ninja. I put muscle relaxants in your drink.” He went back to his task until he found what he was looking for, and then he held it up. “It’s the most amazing drug, really. Slows your reflexes and your body down, but keeps your mind alert so you can feel everything I do to you.”  
He tossed the tube of lube he’d found down on the bed and straddled Iruka’s hips. “Oh you’re going to enjoy this, pretty boy. I’ve been known as a pretty good fuck.” He laughed. “Although most of the people I’ve fucked are now dead.”

Iruka closed his eyes. If he struggled the chakra wire would just get tighter until it cut off the circulation to his hands and feet. If he didn’t… he had the sudden thought that Kakashi might not want him anymore if someone else used him. He’d be dirty. He was starting to think that maybe his entire reason for being was to be used as a fuck toy by powerful ninja. 

Zan carefully sliced through Iruka’s shirt, and moved so he could drop the chūnin’s pants to his ankles. He whistled. “Oh, very nice. I wish I could keep you.”

Zan settled back down around Iruka’s hips and leaned forward to kiss him. Iruka turned his head away. “Come on, my pretty. It’s just one night.” He felt a strange tingling sensation down his right side and realised that the Rock nin was drawing a kunai lightly over his skin. “Come on.”

The pressure on the kunai increased, and started to break the skin. “Just one little kiss.”

This – this was worse than Hound. At least he didn’t ask for intimacy, didn’t want kisses or cuddles or foreplay. He wouldn’t, couldn’t share that part of himself with this man. That was Kakashi’s alone.

Zan rolled his hips against Iruka’s groin and Iruka let out a startled yelp. He didn’t want it to, but it felt good. He hadn’t had sex since Kakashi had left and he begged his body not to respond to the friction.

The knife cut in deeper. “Release yourself to me.” Iruka refused. Zan took his kiss anyway, forcing the chūnin’s face forward and sliding his tongue between tightly closed lips. He growled, and bit him on the shoulder. “I bet you don’t kiss your boyfriend like that.”

Iruka didn’t answer. He was too busy trying to block out everything thing he could feel, see, hear.

“Fine,” Zan grumbled. “If you don’t want foreplay you don’t get it.”

He snaked a hand down and gripped Iruka’s flaccid cock, pulling so it was almost painful. Iruka instinctively arched back and away, but was held in place by the chakra wire. “Naughty,” Zan tsked at him. “You’re supposed to move forward, not backwards.”

Zan coated his fingers in lubricant and slipped one up inside Iruka. It was weirdly gentle, and if Iruka hadn’t been so freaked out he probably would have enjoyed it. “Why are you doing this?” he gasped. He was confused, scared and embarrassed. Could it really be rape if his body was enjoying it?

“I like you,” Zan said, carefully inserting another finger. “I saw you, thought you were cute, and decided I wanted to fuck you. So that’s what I’m doing.”

“If you really liked me you wouldn’t do this to me,” Iruka said, his mind swirling. He didn’t want this, but – it felt good. Gods, what if he came? What would Kakashi think of him? What would Kakashi do to him?

“You’re right. But I don’t really like you, I just met you. I just really like your body,” Zan said, adding a third finger. “And you’re so nice and tight, I love it.”

 _Love._ This man who he just met and was planning on raping him could freely say it, but Kakashi had never – what was he thinking? He couldn’t compare Kakashi to Zan. Kakashi was – he wanted Kakashi. Iruka squeezed his eyes shut.

Iruka didn’t respond at all when Zan removed his fingers and thrust into him, a fact that annoyed the Rock nin greatly. “Fuck, did I give you too much,” he muttered, leaning forward and peeling back an eyelid. Iruka glared at him.

“Doesn’t it feel good?” Zan wiggled his hips a little, bumping his cock along the walls of Iruka’s tight passage.

Iruka hissed through his teeth. If he said it didn’t he’d be lying, and that fact upset him. It felt good, but he didn’t want it. He desperately wanted Zan to leave. “I don’t like you. Get out of me.”

"Awww.” Zan thrust his hips shallowly a couple of times. Iruka hated how good it felt. “Poor little chūnin feeling defiant?”

Zan started to thrust faster. Iruka’s entire body trembled. “Get out, get out, get out!” he screamed. All he could think of was how Kakashi would despise him for cheating on him like this.

“You’re cute.” Zan tweaked a nipple and kept moving, faster and faster.

“No,” Iruka moaned, tossing his head from side to side because he couldn’t move his body. His arms and legs felt rubbery and his brain was spinning. He couldn’t even really feel what was happening now, could only tell from the dark storm cloud of self-hate and disgust that was gathering in the pit of his stomach.

He didn’t feel when Zan came, nor when he pulled out. He did feel something sticky being spread on his lips, his face, and when he was instructed to suck he obligingly opened his mouth to take in the fingers. Because if that’s all he was good for he better do a damn good job of it.

 

Kakashi didn’t think he’d ever run so fast in his life. He wouldn’t admit it to himself, but he was scared. He didn’t want to lose Iruka, no matter how selfish that was. _Iruka can’t die._ He was practical. He wouldn’t die without Iruka, but his life would be pointless. He’d go back to being a heartless shinobi, perhaps to the point of losing himself so much he’d attack his own village. Then they’d have to kill him and he wouldn’t get his name on the monument, just like his father. Iruka’s name, of course, would be on there. Iruka was loyal to a fault.

He didn’t pause when he reached the gates of the village. Pakkun bit his arm lightly. “Hey Boss, didn’t you want me to sniff around for that guy?”

“No.” Kakashi didn’t break stride. “We’re checking on Iruka first.”

Pakkun snorted. “It’s not like you to put people ahead of missions. Iruka-sensei finally getting to you, ne?”

Kakashi levelled him with a cold stare. “The Rock nin might be with Iruka. If I’m wrong I’ll be very happy about it and you can go sniffing around at the gate to see where he is. If I’m right, you won’t say anything.”

“Oh.” Pakkun fell silent. If Kakashi was anything, it was loyal. And now his loyalty stretched past the village to Iruka. If a time came where he had to choose between the two the little pug wasn’t sure which one Kakashi would pick. 

“Wait here.” Kakashi had stopped outside of Iruka’s apartment building and dropped him on the ground. He concealed his chakra so his aura was practically undetectable and stalked up the side of the building, lifting his hitai-ate to reveal his sharingan.

His heart froze when he saw the jutsu hanging around Iruka bedroom. A barrier that silenced everything within it and was practically impossible to get through. _Iruka doesn’t know that jutsu,_ his mind said.

His hands shook as he dispelled the barrier and jumped through the window, sending glass flying everywhere. His eyes took in everything at once; Iruka, unmoving and splayed out on the bed, and the Rock nin, standing over him and looking towards Kakashi with a surprised expression on his face which quickly turned to disappointment.

“I was hoping you wouldn’t show up,” Zan pouted. “He’s really very beautiful, I wanted to keep him.”

Kakashi growled, and unleashed the full force of his chakra. Zan took a step back. “You won’t ever touch my chūnin again.” Kakashi took a step forward and then lunged, pinning the Rock nin to the wall with a kunai through his palm. Zan screamed. “You are disgusting.” He caught Zan’s other hand and drove a kunai through that one as well, smiling as he sliced through bone. “And you will not make it out of this village alive.”

He tied Zan’s feet together and pulsed a fair amount of chakra through the wire to make sure he wouldn’t be able to get out of it, then turned to Iruka. Iruka who hadn’t moved since he’d entered the room. He pushed his own chakra into the chakra wire holding his lover to the bed until it broke. “Iruka?” he whispered, almost too afraid to talk. _What if he’s dead? What if he hates me for not getting here soon enough?_

Iruka cracked open one eye to find Kakashi’s face right in front of his own. He wiggled backwards on the bed, glad that he could move now even though he still felt rather boneless. Kakashi frowned. “Why are you running away from me?”

Iruka gulped, his heart in his throat. “Are you Hound?” he whispered.

Kakashi reeled back, hurt. He’d come to help Iruka, and Iruka thought he was going to what, rape him? It made him sick knowing that his chūnin had every reason to believe that. “No.” He tried to smile. “Kakashi.”

“I…” Iruka couldn’t be sure. Kakashi had come in his window covered in blood, straight from a mission, and called him _my chūnin._ True, it was definitely not normal circumstances, but the parallels were too many to discount. “Would you take off your mask? Please?”

Kakashi’s eyes darted to the man who was nailed to the wall and steadily growing paler, and decided there wasn’t actually a decision to make. He slipped off the mask, and Iruka smiled. It was heartbreakingly fragile, but it was still a smile. 

Kakashi patted him on the hand reassuringly then walked over to Zan and pulled the kunai from his hands, causing him to fall forward on the floor. He grabbed a towel from the closet and wrapped them around the nin’s bleeding hands. “Don’t want you to bleed to death before Ibiki can get a hold of you,” he said with false cheer, before hitting him with a complex paralysation jutsu.

He turned back to Iruka. “’Ru, can you move?”

Iruka shrugged loosely and avoided meeting his eyes. “I feel kind of rubbery.”

“Ah.” Kakashi scooped him up gently and carried him to the bathroom. Iruka’s head lolled on his shoulder. “Will you be able to shower by yourself? I need to take your little friend to Tsunade.”

 _He’s leaving me already,_ Iruka’s brain panicked. _He knows I’ve been bad, he’s going to punish me._ He clutched at Kakashi’s jacket desperately. 

“I’m sorry ‘Ru.” Kakashi’s heart was breaking as he wiped a washcloth carefully but swiftly over Iruka’s face, and then between his legs. “But I can’t just stay in here with you while there’s a missing nin in the bedroom. I don’t know how strong he is and I can’t let him escape. Not after this.”

Iruka whimpered. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted anymore, but he knew that he didn’t want to be left alone. “Shh.” Kakashi stroked his hair gently. “I’ll go get Genma and Raidō, alright? They’ll bring you to the Hokage’s office to see me.”

Iruka nodded bravely. _Shower, then Hokage’s office._ He could do that. He used Kakashi as a sort of ladder to pull himself up onto his feet, and wobbled toward the shower cubicle. Kakashi didn’t know what to say to him. Nothing he could say would make it all better, and anything he did say would probably make him some kind of hypocrite. After all, he’d raped Iruka before, too. “I’ll get you some clothes and a towel,” he said eventually, and made his way back to the bedroom.

“He’s a pretty good fuck, although I suppose you know that already,” Zan said conversationally, fighting off the pain in his hands to make his voice sound as normal as possible.

Kakashi scowled but didn’t rise to the bait. Instead he searched through the drawers until he’d found a comfortable old t-shirt and a pair of worn cotton pants. He then grabbed a towel from the top shelf in the wardrobe.

“He enjoyed it, you know. I lubed him up all nice until he was begging for me to fill him.”

“I’m going to enjoy handing you over to Ibiki,” Kakashi said over his shoulder as he left the room. “And by the way, I killed all your little friends out in the woods. So don’t even bother hoping for a rescue.” 

He knocked on the door lightly before entering the bathroom and placed the clothes beside the sink. “’Ruka? ‘Ruka, I’m going now. Will you be alright?” _Stupid question, genius._

All he got in return was a moan as Iruka slumped against the wall in the shower. “I’ll get Raidō for you, okay?” Kakashi was alarmed. He didn’t want anyone touching his naked lover, but Raidō was pretty trustworthy and Iruka liked him. He couldn’t stay here but he sure as hell wasn’t going to leave Iruka on his own. What if he drowned?

Kakashi returned to the bedroom and swung the unresisting Rock nin over his shoulder. “We’re going on a little tiki-tour,” he said cheerfully.   
“You better pay attention, because it’s most likely the last you’ll ever see of the outside world.”

Zan groaned, and Kakashi flicked through the seals for the transportation jutsu, leaving behind nothing but a slight curl of smoke.


	22. Chapter 22

Iruka stood with his head pressed against the shower wall, barely noticing the water streaming down his back. He tried to tell himself that he hadn’t wanted the sex and it had felt wrong to have someone other than Kakashi inside him but Zan hadn’t actually hurt him in any physical way. Unless you counted the kunai, but that hadn’t been much more than a scratch. Was it still rape? Some parts of it had felt really good, and his body had responded even when he hadn’t wanted it to. What he wanted was for Kakashi to fuck him, to erase the feel of the other man inside him.

Kakashi. He didn’t know what to do about him, or what he was thinking. For the most part he didn’t want to know what Kakashi was thinking. There were too many bad possibilities. He was ashamed of the fact that he might have enjoyed it. _I am a slut. A whore. Anybody can have their way with me._

Iruka forcefully pulled himself out of his slump. If Kakashi was going to get Raidō, Genma would come too. And then they’d be all like, _I told you that guy looked suspicious. You didn’t listen to us. This is all your fault._ And it was, he conceded. He’d made a mistake, and paid for it. He knew better than to invite a stranger into his home, he even taught that ‘Stranger Danger’ thing to his students, but he’d done it anyway. Why?

His primary judgement of people was usually right, but he’d misjudged Zan. That worried him. Could he still help strangers after this? He reached for the shampoo bottle absentmindedly. He didn’t even hurt that much, so maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal. He sighed as he soaped up his hair, and hoped he’d have time to put on a brave face before Genma and Raidō turned up.

 

Kakashi landed in Genma and Raidō’s living room, where he dumped the Rock nin unceremoniously on the floor. “Stay,” he commanded, waggling his finger in Zan’s face and giving him a sharp kick in the ribs for good measure. He smiled to himself. It wasn’t like the stupid fool could move anyway.

 

From the sounds of it, Genma and Raidō were in the bedroom and they weren’t sleeping. Kakashi shrugged. His little chūnin got hurt under their watch, and so they could deal with being interrupted. He was kind of interested to see how violent Raidō was willing to get with his senbon-sucking masochist anyway. He strode across the room and flung open the bedroom door.

Well. That was interesting. Neither of them noticed his presence, although Genma wouldn’t have been able to see him anyway, seeing as he was blindfolded. And tied to the bed, which made his stomach lurch a little bit. _Iruka…_ He didn’t have time to play games with these two. He released the hold on his chakra, letting it spiral freely for a while.

Raidō looked up, and upon seeing Kakashi his face turned a wonderful shade of cheery. He pulled away from Genma, who whined at him and wiggled his hips, and slipped over the far side of the bed to hide his privates.

“Kakashi-san? What are you doing here?” Raidō prided himself on the fact his voice was almost normal.

Genma made a noise of frustration, pulling against the bindings around his wrists. “Either get the fuck out Kakashi, or join in. I don’t care, I just want to get fucked.”

Kakashi ignored him, and glared at Raidō. “I thought you were looking out for Iruka.”

“I-” Raidō paled. “What happened?”

“He took a Rock nin home. Got himself into much the same situation as Genma here.” Kakashi nodded towards Genma without taking his eyes off Raidō.

Genma slipped out of his bindings and yanked off his blindfold, sitting up abruptly. “Then what the hell are you doing here? Where is he?” he demanded.

“Iruka’s in the shower. I have to take his little buddy to see Tsunade, so I want you two to bring him in for me.”

Genma just stared at him but Raidō nodded. “We’ll get there as soon as we can.”

Kakashi nodded back, gave a brief smile that neither of them could see, and backed out of the room.

Genma stared at Raidō. Raidō stared at Genma. Neither of them said anything, but the guilt was clearly written across both faces. They gathered up their clothes in silence.

 

“I have a present for you.”

Kakashi threw the Rock nin on the ground with more force than was necessary. He hadn’t bothered knocking, and was glad Shizune hadn’t allowed Tsunade to go home until all her paperwork was filled.

Tsunade raised an eyebrow. “You have something in particular against him?”

“I found him in my bed,” Kakashi said flatly. “With my chūnin.”

Tsunade frowned. “Where is Iruka?”

“At home. Genma and Raidō are going to collect him.”

“And who is this?” She glared at the man on the floor.

Zan struggled to talk. “Why does everyone assume that he didn’t want to have sex with me? He did take me home after all.”

Tsunade scowled at him. “Because Iruka-sensei is the most honest person in this village and would never cheat on his partner, even if his partner doesn’t deserve him.”

Kakashi decided to let that one slide; after all, it was true. “He’s with the ninja Tsume-san saw. There were five of them altogether, including him.”

“And what did you do with them?” Tsunade asked.

“They’re ashes now.”

“Hm.” Tsunade turned her attention back to the Rock nin. “What do you propose we do with him?”

“He needs to be sent to Ibiki to see if there’s any information I might have missed from his friends. But,” he paused, looking serious, “I think Iruka should decide what to do with him.”

“Iruka?” Tsunade was more than mildly surprised. “But you have to be aware anything he would describe as punishment would be nothing compared to what you want done to him, am I right?”

Kakashi bowed his head. “I know, but… I don’t feel right dealing out punishment to him.” _Because I’m guilty of the same thing._

“You don’t have to,” Tsunade pointed out. “I could.”

“I,” Kakashi paused, scooping up courage he didn’t know he had. “I want Iruka to decide what to do with him, and I want you to give me the same punishment.”

“What?” Tsunade slammed her fist down on the desk. “Why should I punish you?”

Kakashi looked her in the eye. “You know why.”

Tsunade sighed. “Listen brat, I had a talk with Iruka after you left. The thing he was most afraid of is that I would punish you for what you did. If I agreed to let you do this he would be very upset.”

“This is not about him.”

“Of course it’s about him, baka. If you follow this through you’ll only end up hurting him more.”

Kakashi stared her down, eye narrowed. “I deserve to be punished.”

 

“Iruka?” Raidō knocked on the door tentatively.

Genma pushed past him and twisted the door handle, surprised when it opened without resistance. “Kakashi said he was in the shower, he’s probably still in the bathroom. We might as well let ourselves in.”

Raidō glared but followed him inside anyway. “Do you really think it’s the best idea to betray his trust by just waltzing into his house?”

Genma turned to look at him with a small smile. “You baka,” he said almost affectionately, “How much could he do for himself when you found him last time? I’m sure he just wants someone to be with him, he won’t care how we get there.”

“Okay.” Raidō breathed out heavily. He couldn’t help but think that all of this was his fault. 

Genma reached over and squeezed his hand reassuringly. “Iruka’s tough. He’ll be fine.”

Raidō dipped his head and sighed. “He shouldn’t have to be, though.”

Genma shrugged. “Life’s hard. You forget that he’s a shinobi too, don’t you? He has been trained to get past this.”

“I know,” Raidō said tiredly, “But he just seems so – this sort of thing shouldn’t happen to him.”

Genma didn’t answer, just moved toward where he could feel Iruka’s chakra humming, pulling Raidō along behind him. “You should talk to him, I don’t think he likes me very much right now.”

“I doubt he likes either of us,” Raidō said, “It’s our fault he – that this happened. We should have watched him more carefully.” He groaned.   
“When Kakashi finishes with that Zan guy he’s probably gonna come after me.”

“Hi.” Iruka smiled shyly at the two special jōnin standing in his living room. Immediately their attention swivelled to him and he tried not to stiffen too much under their gazes, continuing to dry his hair with a towel as if he didn’t know they were checking him over for bruises or cuts.   
He was almost embarrassed that there were none. 

He was feeling a lot better though, just knowing that they were there. He never wanted to be left alone again. He gave a small, wry smile. “I guess this is the part where you guys say, ‘I told you so,’ right?”

Genma’s senbon clattered to the floor. When Raidō got his voice back he stuttered, “How can you say that? We let you leave with that guy. It was – it was…” He stared down at the floor.

“Let me?” Iruka frowned. “I’m not a child, you didn’t let me do anything. I was stupid, and I should have listened.” He laughed without humour. “I mean, what kind of idiot takes a foreign ninja home with them after knowing them for only a couple of hours? Even my pre-genin know better than that.”

“Iruka…” Raidō reached out towards him, shocked. “It’s not your fault, you know.”

Iruka shook his head. “No, it is my fault. But it’s okay, I’ll never do anything like that again. Are you going to take me to see Kakashi?” he asked hopefully. Kakashi would have questions that he didn’t want to answer, but he really didn’t want to sleep alone tonight and sleeping with Genma and Raidō would probably get them both killed by his vengeful boyfriend.

Genma and Raidō exchanged a glance, each wondering if Kakashi was really any better for Iruka than Zan was. He seemed fine, and when Hound had last had a go at him he had barely been able to stand by himself, let alone wander around the house. “Iruka, are you… alright?”

“Hm? Yeah.” _Not really. I’m so confused._

“Do you hurt at all?”

“Not a lot. Can we just go?” _I want him. I want to see him and know he doesn’t hate me._

“He did say as soon as possible,” Genma shrugged. “Can you do a transportation jutsu?”

“Yes, but,” Iruka shuffled from foot to foot nervously, “Would one of you be able to take me?” _I don’t want to get lost. And I definitely don’t want to be alone._

Raidō smiled softly. “Come here.” Iruka moved closer and wrapped his arms around the older man’s waist. Raidō looked at Genma over his head. “See you on the other side, Gen.”

Iruka wouldn’t let go even when they’d arrived in front of the Hokage’s office, staying clinging to Raidō. Raidō wrapped his arms loosely around him and Iruka felt safer than he had in a long time. 

“Umino Iruka, the Hokage would like to see you now.” A ninja in ANBU garb was standing right beside him without warning, and Iruka shield away. He didn’t want to have anything to do with ANBU ever again. His hands tightened on Raidō’s shirt.

Raidō gently loosened his grip. “You have to go,” he said in a soothing voice.

Iruka looked up at him, brown eyes wide and shimmering. “Can you come too?”

“Namiashi Raidō and Shiranui Genma are to wait out here,” the ANBU said.

Iruka glanced at the ANBU, wondering if he could ask him to come with him. He didn’t want to face the Hokage alone. “Come.” The ANBU walked to the door and pulled it open. Iruka let go of Raidō reluctantly and followed, dragging his feet. Which were cold, now that he thought about it. He wasn’t wearing shoes.

He slipped into the room with his head down and stood just inside the door, unwilling to go any further.

“Come here, Iruka,” Tsunade said softly.

Iruka looked up. Tsunade was beckoning him forward and Kakashi was standing in front of her, head bowed. _He’s not even acknowledging me,_ he thought, panicking. _He must hate me now._ He stumbled forward until he was standing beside Kakashi. He glanced at the older man out of the corner of his eye. Kakashi looked tired, and beneath his mask his mouth was set in a hard line. Iruka’s stomach flopped. _Kami, he hates me._

“Are you feeling okay, Iruka?” Tsunade asked.

“I-I’m fine, Hokage-sama,” he mumbled. _Physically I am. And I don’t understand that. He can’t have raped me if he didn’t hurt me, could he?_

It was hard to stand so close to Kakashi and not be able to touch him. Iruka figured if he tried to do so much as hold his hand Kakashi would have him pinned to the wall with a kunai at his throat within seconds, he was that wired. And besides that he didn’t think Kakashi would even want any contact.

“I’m glad.” Tsunade beamed. “Now, I have a little task for you.”

Iruka stared at her, confused.

“Kakashi has decided that it is up to you to choose what happens to our Rock-nin over there after Ibiki’s done with him.”

Iruka paled. She was putting the life of a man in his hands. He didn’t want Zan to live, not when there was a chance he would come after him again, but he also didn’t want to sentence him to death. “Why is it up to me?”

“Because he attacked you,” Tsunade said simply. “And I feel like you deserve to be given some control over this situation.”

“I can’t. I’m sorry.” Iruka shook his head. “I don’t want him to stay alive, but I can’t prescribe torture for anyone.” He didn’t notice Kakashi’s eye widen at that. “I know Kakashi wants to beat the crap out of him, and probably me too, so why don’t you just let him? I don’t want this decision.”

Kakashi rounded on him, eye narrowed. “What do you mean, ‘and me too’? Why would I ever want to beat you up?”

Iruka shrunk back and Kakashi relaxed a fraction, knowing he was scaring his lover and doing his best not to. “I – I don’t know!” Iruka looked like he was going to burst into tears. “But you’re mad at me and I don’t want you to hate me.”

“Hey,” Kakashi said softly, wiping his thumb across Iruka’s trembling cheek, “I’m not mad at you. I was just nervous waiting for what your punishment for us would be.”

Iruka blinked. “Us?”

“Me and him,” Kakashi jerked his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the frozen Zan, “For what we did to you.”

“You,” Iruka repeated softly. “Punish you.”

“Uhuh.” Kakashi nodded. “But seeing as you don’t want to decide, I guess it’s up to Ibiki what he wants to do with me.”

“No.” Iruka collapsed into a puddle at the jōnin’s feet. “No, you can’t go to Ibiki, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Come on, Iruka you know that’s not true.” Kakashi crouched down in front of him. “I hurt you a lot more than this guy did.”

“No, I won’t let you.” Iruka threw his arms around the stunned jōnin’s neck, causing him to rock backwards onto his heels. “I don’t want you to be hurt.”

“’Ruka.” Kakashi threaded one hand through his chūnin’s hair and rubbed circles on his back with the other. “I deserve it, for hurting you.”

“You can’t.” Iruka sounded broken. “Please.”

“I caused you pain, so now I have to pay for it,” Kakashi said quietly. “If I get hurt for it maybe it won’t happen again.”

“And maybe if you’re tortured Hound will take over to ‘help you out’ and then come after me,” Iruka said bitterly. “You don’t need to hurt yourself, Kakashi. I know the guilt is already weighing you down.”

Tsunade sighed. “Kakashi, just take him home. I wasn’t going to allow you to go with Ibiki anyway.”

Kakashi glared at her over Iruka’s shoulder. “Why, because you don’t want me to be unable to go on more missions? You promised me seven days.”

“It’s not that, Kakashi. It’s just that Iruka is right, you’re beating yourself up over this already, and it really isn’t your fault. If anything, blame it on your father and the way this village raised you.”

Iruka sniffled and clutched Kakashi tighter. “Take him home,” Tsunade repeated, “And that’s not a suggestion, it’s an order. I will deal with your ninja from Rock.”

“Please,” Iruka added, and Kakashi didn’t have the heart to disobey.

Tsunade touched two fingertips lightly to the underside of her desk and the ANBU from outside the door appeared at her side. “Bring in Genma and Raidō,” she said tiredly.

 

Kakashi transported them to the bedroom where Iruka took one look at the bed and turned back to bury his head in Kakashi’s chest. “I can’t sleep there. Can we go to your place?”

“There is nothing at my apartment,” Kakashi said, and at Iruka’s openly unhappy look added quickly, “But I do know somewhere we can go.”

He transported them again, and hoped he wouldn’t have to do it another time. He was starting to feel a bit woozy with the effects of transporting two people and it was draining his chakra considerably. They were standing in front of a large brick house. “You’re going to have to let go for a little bit so I can figure out how to open the door without breaking it.”

Iruka backed away a little bit and stared at the door. It had no doorknob. Kakashi contemplated the door for a moment, formed hand seals that seemed to do nothing, then aimed a powerful kick right at the centre. The door collapsed inwards, thankfully still whole. Kakashi grinned. “That wasn’t too hard.”

He stepped over the door and into the house, pulling Iruka with him and propping the door back in the doorway before casting another jutsu that welded the edges of the door to the doorframe. Iruka looked around in wonder. The place was elegant, in a word. It was clean, with tastefully placed artworks and a wooden coffee table sitting between two fashionable leather couches, and even had a chandelier. The floors were polished wooden slats and were spotless.

“Why did you have to kick the door in?” Iruka asked.

Kakashi smiled. “Well, Gai’s no good with traps, so he just fortified his door and windows so that anyone who tries to get into his house will make a lot of noise and wake him up or alert him. He usually just kicks the door in.” He surveyed his handiwork. “He might have a bit of trouble this time.”

Iruka stared at him, open-mouthed. “You’re saying that this is _Maito Gai’s_ house?”

Kakashi nodded. “It’s safe to sleep here, he’s not home and he doesn’t usually mind if I turn up while he’s gone. Come on, I’ll show you where to sleep.”

Iruka followed, mind blown. “But nothing’s green.”

“That’s just his clothing choice.” Kakashi shrugged. “He has much better taste in home decoration.” He stopped outside a closed wooden door and pulled it open. “This is where I stay when I come here, so don’t worry. Gai doesn’t sleep in this bed.”

“You visit Gai?” Iruka asked, incredulous. “I thought you didn’t like him.”

Kakashi shrugged again. “He’s a real good guy, underneath all the sparkle. We used to be teamed up a lot on missions, and when it was over we’d pass out here, because it’s closer to the gates than my tiny apartment. If he comes home tonight the only thing you have to worry about is his ‘beauty of youth’ speeches. I’m sure he’ll be absolutely stoked that I’m sleeping with you.”

Iruka stared at him dubiously. Kakashi just smiled. “Go on, bed. I’m going to have a shower because I’m still covered in blood but I’ll be back afterwards, okay?”

Iruka looked at the bed, then back at Kakashi. He didn’t particularly want to be alone in a strange house and he didn’t want to chance Gai turning up and catching him by himself in his house when he hadn’t been invited. “Can I come with you?”

“To shower?”

Iruka nodded.

“If you want.” Kakashi turned back out of the room and opened another door that turned out to be a cupboard. He tossed a fluffy towel at Iruka, who smiled weakly. “So that’s where he keeps the green.” The towel was the most vivid shade of fluorescent green he’d ever seen.   
Iruka watched curiously as Kakashi opened yet another door to reveal a mint green bathroom. Apparently Gai’s ‘Green Beast’ stretched to cover all things pertaining to sanitation. And Kakashi seemed to know a lot about the layout of his house. “So,” he said as he watched Kakashi strip, “Did you ever sleep together?”

“Huh?” Kakashi turned to look at him. “Who?”

“You and Gai.”

Kakashi was now fully naked and attempting to help Iruka out of his clothes but paused his actions when Iruka spoke and made a face. “No way. Ever. I’ve seen what he hides under that thing he calls clothing and I don’t want it anywhere near me.” He shuddered. “So much hair. Besides, apart from Jiraiya he’s the straightest guy I know.”

“Really?” Iruka tried to keep his mind on the conversation and not on the way Kakashi’s hands were creeping over his hips, and desperately tried to stay away from how Zan’s hands had felt in comparison. “What with the spandex and speeches and all I would have him pegged as a flamboyant – albeit strange – gay.”

Kakashi smiled and ghosted his lips over the corner of Iruka’s mouth. “All jōnin have their certain habits to keep them sane. Gai’s is just a little more… in your face than most.”

Iruka forced himself to smile back. He was feeling exposed and slightly uncomfortable having Kakashi invading his space like that, though he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why. “So what’s your habit?”

“You are.” Kakashi traced a thumb over a tanned collarbone and down the centre of his chest. “Thinking about you keeps me sane. It did for a long time, even before you agreed to be with me.” He looked up into Iruka’s eyes. “Although I’m beginning to think that was a mistake on your part.”

Iruka placed his hand overtop of Kakashi’s where it rested on his stomach. “It’s not a mistake,” he whispered, “Being with you is wonderful.” He gave a wry smile. “And you can see that I get myself into trouble even without you around.”

Kakashi stared at him. “You believe that was your fault?”

Iruka stared at his feet. “I took him home. I’m smarter than that and I know I shouldn’t have but I just… I just wanted to feel useful to someone, so I helped him out. I didn’t even think.”

“Hey.” Kakashi wrapped his arms gently around his chūnin and pulled him closer so their bodies were pressed together, nose to nose, chest to chest, thigh to thigh. “As a shinobi perhaps you should have known better. But you wouldn’t be Iruka if you’d just walked past that guy and said ‘hell, he can find his own place to stay.’ You’re just too nice.”

Iruka tentatively stretched his own arms around the jōnin’s back, fingers tingling where they touched skin. “Too nice.” He smiled wearily into Kakashi’s shoulder. “Maybe I should stop being so nice.”

Kakashi stiffened and clung a little tighter. “No. I don’t want you to stop being yourself because of this, that would be letting him win. He wants to play mind games with you.”

 _Mind games, huh?_ Iruka thought. Perhaps that explained the inexplicable tenderness and care Zan had shown him. He didn’t really know what to think. He stayed silent as Kakashi turned on the shower. Kakashi released him and stepped under the spray. “You don’t have to come, but it’s warm in here.”

Iruka followed dutifully, craving contact. Perhaps if Kakashi fucked him he would stop thinking about Zan and everything would go back to normal, or as normal as his recent situation could be called.

Kakashi was trying to wash his hair when Iruka pushed up against his rear, reaching around to stroke his soft cock. “Maa, ‘Ruka, what are you doing?” he asked, turning slightly to look at the younger man.

“I,” Iruka started, but couldn’t say it. He could feel his cheeks heating up and that made him even more embarrassed. “I want…” He tightened his grip on Kakashi’s cock and pulled upwards, hoping that would say what he wanted to say and Kakashi wouldn’t force him to articulate it.  
Kakashi dearly wanted to make him say it but he figured this wasn’t the time to embarrass his lover further. He gently disentangled Iruka’s fingers from his privates and shifted around so they were facing each other. Stroking a line down his chūnin’s smooth chest with one hand he kissed the brunet lightly on the lips. “And you can have that, but not in the shower. Wait until I’m clean so I can put you on a horizontal surface and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Can you wait?”

Iruka nodded dumbly. He was getting more and more confused by the minute. _Kakashi is gentle with me because he cares about me. So why was Zan so careful with me? Kakashi forgets all about my pleasure when he’s Hound, but Zan tried to make it so it wouldn’t hurt me. Does that mean Zan cares about me more that Kakashi does? That can’t be right._

Kakashi was looking at him funny. “’Ru, are you alright?”

Iruka nodded and forced himself to smile. “I’m fine, don’t be silly.”


	23. Chapter 23

It took every ounce of Genma’s strength for him to retain his composure and not cling to Raidō like the wimpy child he was. Tsunade was staring at both of them without even a flicker of warmth in her hazel eyes. “I want to know what happened,” she said coldly.

“We failed him,” Raidō said flatly. “I told him we would look after him and then just sat there and watched as he invited a strange shinobi into his home.”

Genma bit down hard on his senbon, trying to keep his emotion in check. He hadn’t even known Iruka for that long but the man had gotten under his skin and he felt like the lowest, most unworthy piece of degenerate slime for what had happened to the chūnin when he was supposedly keeping an eye on him. “If I hadn’t baited him about Kakashi he wouldn’t have got upset and acted on clouded judgement.”

Tsunade scowled at them both. “I didn’t ask you about how guilty you feel, I asked you what happened.” Her face softened a little and she smiled tiredly. “But don’t blame yourself for this. Iruka is a shinobi in his own right and it was his own actions that placed him where he ended up. If you try to take responsibility for this you are effectively saying you do not trust in his abilities as a shinobi.”

“But he’s just a chūnin,” Genma blurted out.

“He’s a very capable chūnin,” Tsunade said sharply, “When he thinks with his head and not his heart.”

“He always thinks with his heart,” Raidō said glumly. “He cares too much to be an effective shinobi.”

Tsunade sighed. “Just tell me what happened, then you can both go off and feel guilty somewhere else.”

“I invited Iruka to drink with us because he was moping with Kakashi gone,” Raidō said. “We bumped into Zan – the Rock nin – and Iruka invited him to come because he’s just nice like that. Then Genma made him mad and he left, telling Zan he could stay at his place for the night because the hotels are nasty to strangers.”

Genma stared at the floor. “I still don’t like Kakashi for what he’s done.”

“If it makes you feel any better towards him, the brat wanted the same punishment as whatever Rocky over there gets.” Tsunade jabbed a thumb towards Zan, who was still lying on the floor in the corner.

“He deserves it,” Genma muttered insolently. “No one has the right to take Iruka-sensei’s innocence.”

“Shiranui, Iruka-sensei is not a child,” Tsunade said, exasperated. “He knows what he’s doing, and he forbade me from punishing Kakashi because the brat is punishing himself enough already.”

Genma scowled and flicked his senbon with his tongue. Raidō grabbed his arm. “This is not about you, it’s about Iruka,” he hissed. “And Kakashi makes him happy, no matter what happens with Hound.”

Genma glared at him but wisely kept his mouth shut. Tsunade glared at both of them. “So you went out to drink, and Rocky went home with Iruka, correct? That’s pretty much all that happened?”

“Hai, Tsunade-sama,” Raidō said. Genma nodded.

“Good. Now get out of my office.”

The two tokubetsu jōnin scampered.

 

Iruka tried his hardest to control his breathing and keep it at a normal pace, knowing that Kakashi would know if it wasn’t, genius that he was. Kakashi was sprawled out on the bed with one arm loosely wrapped around his waist. Iruka was curled up, tucked into his side, and he wanted to cry. Kakashi had been perfect, gentle and caring and almost reverent with his body, and it had felt wonderful to feel him inside him again.  
So why, looking at his contented lover whose chest rose and fell with the deep breaths of sleep, why did he feel wrong? It didn’t make sense. Kakashi had come back to him as himself, not as Hound, saved him from a person who most probably would have killed him, and then treated him gently and lovingly afterwards as if he wasn’t a complete failure as a shinobi. He sniffed, trying to hold back tears, then hiccupped. The arm around his waist tightened, and Kakashi rubbed his nose in his hair sleepily. “If you want to cry you should cry, ‘Ruka. It might help you sleep.”

Iruka sniffed again. “I don’t want to.”

Kakashi half opened one eye and rolled over on his side, wrapping his other arm around Iruka. “What’s the matter?”

Iruka bowed his head and buried his face in the pale chest in front of him. “I don’t know.”

Kakashi rubbed his back gently with one hand and twisted the fingers of his other hand through his soft dark hair. “Do you want to try and talk to me about it?”

“I – no.” Iruka shook his head. He couldn’t tell Kakashi that being with him didn’t feel quite right. It wasn’t the jōnin’s fault he felt like this.

“Then cry.” Kakashi sounded extremely sleepy, and so he should, Iruka realised. He didn’t sleep well on missions and he’d been away for almost a week. “Even if you don’t want to, you sound like you need to.”

Iruka pulled his body closer to the older man’s and clutched at his side. He wanted so badly for things to just go back to how there were, without Hound and without Zan. He didn’t cry, but it was a long while before he spoke again. “’Kashi?” he whispered.

“Hn.” Kakashi grunted, but opened his eye with supreme effort. “Whatsit, ‘Ru?”

“Do you think I’m dirty?” he asked quietly.

“Huh?” Kakashi’s sleepy brain was having trouble connecting the words to what they meant but when he got it his eye widened. “You’re not dirty ‘Ru. Why would you think that?”

“I-” Iruka closed his eyes. “I just feel so… used. Unclean.”

Kakashi tightened his grip on his chūnin. “’Ruka, you’re possibly the purest shinobi I’ve ever met. And I’ve met a lot.” He sighed. “Don’t blame yourself for what that Rock nin did to you, and don’t blame yourself for my actions either. Being raped doesn’t make you dirty, it makes the one who rapes you dirty.”

Iruka fell silent, trapped in thought. “’Kashi?” he said hesitantly.

Kakashi struggled to reopen his eyes. He was tempted to tell Iruka that whatever he was going to ask should be left until morning, but he knew he was partly to blame for his lover’s current state of mind and was duty-bound to help him in any way possible. And if that meant foregoing sleep for another night then that’s what he would do. If he could. “Mmm.”

“Is it still rape if you didn’t get hurt?”

Iruka’s face was still buried in his chest so Kakashi couldn’t see his face, and he couldn’t figure out what must have happened for the chūnin to ask that question. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Iruka fidgeted uncomfortably and refused to look at him. “When Hound touches me he is really violent. And it hurts a lot. When Zan touched me… he prepared me so it wouldn’t hurt so much and some of it almost felt good.”

Kakashi growled, and Iruka shrunk back. The look of pure terror on his chūnin’s face made him hurry to dampen his anger. “Iruka,” he said when he felt he was in control enough to speak, “Did you want to have sex with him?”

Iruka shook his head. “I would never ever cheat on you.”

“I know. That’s not what this is about. Did you ask him to stop?”

Iruka nodded.

“Then it was rape. Even if you had eventually come to the conclusion that it was the best sex ever it would still be rape because you didn’t want it in the first place, no matter what they say in romance novels. Do you understand?”

Kakashi was watching him with such a serious expression that Iruka felt very very small. “But why was he so gentle with me?” Iruka asked, still not completely convinced.

“I don’t know,” Kakashi said, frowning. “Maybe he wanted to pretend you were doing it by choice, that you actually wanted him. Or maybe he just wanted to mess with your head. It doesn’t really matter now, does it? He’s got a date with Ibiki right now, and he will definitely pay for what he did to you.”

When Iruka didn’t answer Kakashi shook him gently. “It’s okay, don’t beat yourself up for it.”

“Kakashi?” Iruka bowed his head. “Are you mad at me? I can understand if you don’t want me anymore.”

Kakashi muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, “I’m going to kill that bastard the next time I see him,” and stroked his fingers down Iruka’s side before saying in a louder, but clearly tired voice, “I will always want you, ‘Ru. Always. But do you think you could sleep now? I promise to answer any questions you want to throw at me in the morning, but right now I’m extremely tired and my brain is going to stop working soon.”

Iruka couldn’t help but smile. They’d been close for quite a while before he’d even realised that Kakashi had limits, the same as everyone else. For some reason he’d always thought of the Copy-nin as something beyond human, a person who could just fight and exist without sleep or food for long periods of time. He enjoyed the infrequent moments when Kakashi showed his fallibility. “Will you hold me?”

“For as long as I’m allowed,” Kakashi mumbled, yawning and enclosing Iruka in his arms.

Seconds later he was asleep. It was a talent Iruka found almost unbelievable, despite the fact he witnessed it nearly every night. Instant sleep. Iruka always had trouble getting to sleep, his mind mulling over problems with certain students, when Kakashi would be coming back, how Naruto was – issues he dealt with on a daily basis. Kakashi, however, could sleep whenever and wherever he chose, and could also choose how deep he wanted to sleep. When Iruka asked him about it he shrugged it off. “Maa, ‘Ru, when you’re on constant missions you don’t have a choice. You have to be able to sleep when you need it, or you can’t function properly and will be a liability to your team.”

The comment had stung a little, even though Kakashi hadn’t meant it to. It sneered at Iruka, saying, _You can’t do this because you’re not an active shinobi. You’re not good enough._

Kakashi must have noticed something change in his expression (of course he’d noticed, the man was a flaming ANBU genius. He noticed everything) as he’d smiled and added, “But I find it easier to sleep when I’m next to you.”

Because of Kakashi’s snap-my-fingers-and-drop-off-to-sleep-instantly technique as well as the fact that Iruka always got up first, Iruka spent an inordinate amount of time watching his lover sleep, which is what he was doing now. He wouldn’t call Kakashi an angel, but sleeping he looked pretty close to it. His fair hair curled around his face in gentle waves where it wasn’t smooshed up against the pillow, and his eyelashes were impossibly long and dark resting against his pale cheeks. Iruka cuddled in closer, and Kakashi’s nose twitched in his sleep, a slight moan escaping him. Adorable. He didn’t attribute that word often to his lover, but Kakashi was the embodiment of cuteness when he was asleep. It was easy to forget he was a killer.

Iruka sighed. Maybe Kakashi could sleep just like that, but his thoughts wouldn’t turn off. He couldn’t help but feel guilty about what Zan had done, no matter what Kakashi said. He was a shinobi. His judgement should not have been that bad. He rested his head on a pale shoulder, his lips tracing a sharply defined collarbone, knowing that nothing short of an actual emergency would wake Kakashi up now. He didn’t think he could sleep, but he’d try. He had to.

 

Iruka sneezed. He’d woken up partly because of the sunlight streaming through the window – they’d forgotten to close the curtains, and his face pinkened as he realised they may have unwittingly put on the show for the neighbours the previous night – but mostly because of the terrible white fluff that was tickling his nose.

The terrible white fluff was connected to the head of the still sleeping jōnin currently drooling on his chest. _How did that even happen?_ he wondered, shoving Kakashi’s head away none too gently. Kakashi snuffled grumpily and rolled away from him to face the other way in defiance, curling his legs up underneath him.

"Don’t be such a baby,” Iruka muttered, smiling down at his lover. For some reason he’d been expecting Kakashi to be gone when he woke up, and he hadn’t slept particularly well, waking up every few minutes to check that the Copy-nin was still there. He hated how unsure he was becoming, hated Zan for giving him reason to doubt himself and doubt Kakashi. 

He pushed the covers down to his waist, enjoying the feeling of sunlight on his skin. The room they were in had a giant bay window that had a disappointing view of the dingy house next door that obviously needed refurbishing. Thinking about it, it was exactly what he’d expect from Gai. As a proud advocator of ‘youth’ and ‘springtime’ it made sense that he’d enjoy the sunshine and have a house to exploit that.

Actually, Iruka was hoping that Gai wouldn’t turn up. The guy was nice and all, just a little too much. He didn’t think he could handle more than a few minutes talking to Konaha's Beautiful Green Beast, and he wondered what Kakashi talked to him about when he was over here. Kakashi wasn’t much of a talker, particularly in social situations, so he supposed that Gai just did all the talking for both of them.

It intrigued him so much he seriously contemplated waking his lover up to ask for a while, and then dismissed the thought because Kakashi would just brush him off with one of his stupid riddles. Or just brush him off in general. Kakashi didn’t take too well to being woken up when he was tired.

Iruka rolled on his side and spooned against Kakashi’s back, his back to the window. Touching Kakashi made him feel safer, somehow. The mere fact that the jōnin would sleep so deeply in his presence was an enormous show of trust. He ran his fingers through his lover’s hair and when rewarded with a small, pleased noise continued to do so, working his fingers down to the roots and lightly massaging Kakashi’s skull. Kakashi pressed back into him, keeping up with the quiet little moans. It was almost making him hard. How could Kakashi make such erotic noises while asleep? Seriously, it ought to be illegal.

Iruka slipped his hands out of Kakashi’s hair and down his chest, toying with the coarser, curlier hair of his crotch. Then he smiled delightedly. _So that’s why the moans,_ he thought. _Someone’s having nice dreams._ Kakashi’s cock was solid and warm against the back of his hand so he did the only conceivable thing there was to do; gripped it loosely and stroked gently up and down. He listened with amusement as Kakashi’s moans changed pitch and became more drawn out.

It was at this point that he found out the only thing other than a village emergency that could wake up Kakashi when he didn’t want to be woken up: Maito Gai.

“What brings you to my Humble Abode on this Fine Day, my Eternal Rival?” Gai cried, flexing his muscles where he had appeared in the doorway.

Kakashi instinctively jerked back into Iruka, his eyes flying open as he realised two things simultaneously. One, he was naked, Iruka was horny and his erection was pressed tightly between his butt cheeks and two, Maito Gai was staring at them.

“Ah, you have a Youthful Companion, my Rival,” Gai crowed. Kakashi would bet everything he owned that Iruka’s face was bright red by now, but he was too afraid to turn around and look. The chūnin’s hand had been around his cock, but was now slowly retreating. His arousal had almost completely disappeared too. Kakashi shrugged mentally. Well, that was the effect Gai tended to have on people.

“Iruka-sensei?” Gai sounded surprised, as well he might. Then the manly tears made an appearance. “I am so happy for you both, for your Love in the Springtime of Youth!”

Iruka’s face was now buried in his shoulder and his fingers digging little trenches into his hip. Kakashi decided it was probably time to save the poor sensei of dying via embarrassment. “Gai, could you leave for a moment please? I need another four or so days of sleep.”

“Ah, no need to be so coy with me, Eternal Rival,” Gai gushed. “I will leave you two Lovebirds alone.” He gave an exaggerated wink, backing out of the door.

Iruka moaned, the sound muffled by Kakashi’s back. “Kami, is he for real?”

“Unfortunately, yes.” Kakashi rolled over so they were facing each other and wrapped his arms around the chūnin, yawning and closing his eyes.

“You’re not going back to sleep now, are you?” Iruka asked, panicked.

“Why not?” Kakashi opened one eye.

“Because he’s out there,” Iruka hissed.

“Gai’s not interested in men. He’s not going to look at your dangly parts,” Kakashi said, amused.

“It’s not that,” Iruka shook his head violently, “It’s just that I need to get up. I can’t stay in bed any longer.”

“Then get up.” Kakashi closed his eye again, intending to go back to sleep.

“No!” Iruka cried, shaking his shoulders. “You can’t make me go out there by myself, please ‘Kashi.”

“Gai’s not so bad, ‘Ruka. At least he won’t grope you.”

“Kaa-ashi, please?”

Kakashi wanted nothing more than to please Iruka, but he didn’t think he actually could get up. He smiled sleepily. “Well, if you keep doing what you were doing when I woke up then I’ll think about it.”

Deep crimson spread across Iruka’s cheeks. “I can’t. Not while he’s there.”

“Then I can’t get up,” Kakashi said simply, enjoying the look of sheer desperation that Iruka was radiating. Then he remembered the previous night and the implications of what he’d just said, and wanted to kick himself. _He was raped and now you’re just happily sitting there asking him for sex he’s not comfortable with in exchange for doing something you should be doing for him anyway. You are disgusting._

Iruka was reaching between his legs, head bowed and face hidden. The fact that he was actually going to do it made Kakashi feel a hundred times worse. _Kami, he must be really scared._ “No ‘Ruka, stop.” He caught the errant hand around the wrist and stopped it in its tracks.

Iruka looked up at his face unhappily. “But Kakashi, you said -”

“I know what I said, it was a joke,” Kakashi cut in. “And I shouldn’t have said it. Give me one hour of sleep, alright? Just one more hour and then I’ll get up and do whatever you want to do, okay?”

Iruka shrunk back. “I-I’ll just get up now.”

Too late Kakashi realised he may have sounded a bit snappy. Of course Iruka wouldn’t realise he wasn’t mad at him, but mad at himself. “’Ruka, it’s alright, I’ll get up now and we can transport home, you don’t even need to see Gai.”

Iruka was pulling on his pants, but turned and offered Kakashi a small smile. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll be fine. I was just being childish. I know you need more than just another hour, so sleep as long as you need to.”

He sounded sincere, but Kakashi worried that there was something else behind the words. He didn’t believe that Iruka was truly okay with it but he was too damn tired to even think about puzzling out what was wrong. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come? It’s not that much of a big deal.”

Iruka slipped on his shirt then walked over to kiss Kakashi’s forehead, the ends of his loose hair brushing the duvet. “I’ll be fine. I’m a big strong ninja, remember?”

He gripped his lover’s hand for a fraction longer than was necessary before turning and walking out of the room. Kakashi watched him go unhappily. He’d never been more against the code that said shinobi were not allowed to show emotion.

Iruka padded out into the hallway hesitantly. There were doors everywhere identical to the one he’d just come out of and he was afraid that if he couldn’t find a living room or the way out then he wouldn’t be able to find his way back to Kakashi. That thought scared him more than anything. He didn’t want to be alone, particularly in a strange house that he knew nothing about.

Taking a deep breath he turned left, walking slowly and hoping the hallway would lead somewhere. He didn’t want to open any of the closed doors in case he accidentally walked in on Gai dressing, or came across some sort of deeply personal set-up. He was half-afraid he’d find a shrine to Kakashi, the way that Gai carried on about how hip and cool the Copy-nin was.

He needn’t have been so worried. The hallway opened out into the first room they’d entered last night. He noted that there was glass on the ground – Gai hadn’t been able to undo Kakashi’s jutsu to break down his door so he must have come through a window – and wondered how Gai had managed to get in without waking them. He was sure he hadn’t slept properly last night, and breaking glass would definitely have woken him up.  
The Green Beast of Konoha appeared from an adjoined room as he was puzzling over it, wearing a frilly orange apron that matched his leg warmers. Iruka stared at him in bemusement. _How is he not gay?_

“Iruka-sensei,” he said seriously, “As my Eternal Rival’s Lover, you are now also my Eternal Rival! It is an Honourary Position I am Glad to give you!”

“Uh, Gai-san, I’m honoured but I don’t think I am strong enough to be your eternal rival.” Iruka backed away slightly, feeling overly tired and weak. He was nervous in the face of Gai’s extravagant greenness and over exuberance, and wished that Kakashi was there so he could at least have something to hold on to.

Gai bowed slightly. “As you wish, Sensei. Would you like to join me in the kitchen?” It is Wonderfully Sunny on that side of My Humble Abode.”  
Iruka couldn’t figure out a way to refuse politely. He barely knew this man and had turned up at his house without permission, so who was he to say he’d prefer to sit quietly on the couch? “Sure,” he said.

“That is Wonderful!” Gai clapped his hands and disappeared the way he’d come, Iruka following at a more sedate pace. “Are you hungry, Iruka-sensei? I have made us all a Hearty and Welcoming breakfast!”

At those words Iruka realised that he was actually extremely hungry. He hadn’t had dinner the previous night, and he couldn’t remember if he’d eaten lunch. He decided to hold off answering until he saw what Gai had actually cooked, though. He had the feeling Gai would think ‘breakfast’ was a synonym for ‘raw egg smoothie for added Strength and Vitality’.

Gai patted a stool and Iruka sat down obediently, looking down in shock as the Green Beast handed him a plate containing a large Western style cooked breakfast; sausages, egg, toast, and even a side of baked beans. It wasn’t what he usually ate, but it was miles better than a protein shake. “Thank you, Gai-san,” he said humbly. “You didn’t have to do this for me.”

“But you are my Eternal Rival’s Lover!” Gai cried, “Everything that is Mine is Yours.”

Iruka flinched at the sheer volume of Gai in speech mode, and to his surprise Gai dragged over a stool to sit facing him, dropping his voice to a normal level. “Iruka-sensei, are you alright?”

Iruka nodded, shoving food into his mouth so that he wouldn’t have to answer the question properly. It was surprisingly well cooked. 

Gai rested his head on his hand and stared at him for so long he began to feel uncomfortable. “I do not wish to seem presumptuous, but it seems there is something bothering you. Is Kakashi good to you?”

 _Kakashi… Hound._ “Kakashi is very good to me,” Iruka said quietly.

“No, I’m not.”

Iruka turned. Kakashi stood behind him wearing only his jōnin pants, hair squashed on one side from where he’d lain on it. He walked towards Iruka slowly with his arms stretched out. “I’m sorry. I can’t take back the things I did, but I could at least have woken up for you when you were afraid and needed me there.”

Iruka let himself be embraced, Gai watching from the sidelines with tears glistening in his eyes. Kakashi bent his head down so his forehead was touching Iruka’s. “I’m so sorry that I’ve been a bad boyfriend. I should be here for you. I want to learn and change. Can you ever forgive me?”

“Kakashi,” Iruka said softly, reaching up to cup his lover’s unmasked face in his hands. “I’ve already forgiven you for everything Hound did. He’s not you.”

Kakashi was shaking slightly and his grip on Iruka tightened. A huge feeling of relief washed over him and a small bud of joy blossomed in his heart. He’d almost lost Iruka, he realised. If he’d returned even a couple of hours later, Iruka could have died. The idea of never being able to see Iruka again, never being able to hold him, made his chest squeeze painfully and also made him realise something else, something important. “I-” he started to say, then stopped. He couldn’t say it.

Iruka kissed him softly, his eyes open and smiling. “What is it, Kakashi?”

“Iloveyou,” he mumbled, avoiding Iruka’s eyes.

“Huh?” Iruka stared at him, confused. 

Kakashi took a deep breath, and looked in Iruka’s eyes. “Umino Iruka,” he said slowly, “I love you. More than anything.”

Whatever Iruka said in return was drowned out by Gai’s manly waterfall impersonation, but the words Kakashi read off his lips were, “I love you too ‘Kashi.”

And if his lip-reading skills weren’t up to par the huge smile and the way Iruka was squeezing him tightly gave him an idea that he hadn’t just made a colossal mistake. For the first time in his life he felt like he had done exactly the right thing, and it felt good. He squeezed back.


	24. Chapter 24

Iruka felt… happy. It was hard to believe that it had only been yesterday that Genma had told him he didn’t believe Kakashi was capable of loving anyone. He had to admit that he had let a seed of doubt in then, because while Kakashi didn’t seem to hold back in romantic gestures those particular words had never left his lips, in any form.

And now he’d said it. It hadn’t been the most romantic of times, but the way he said it made Iruka want to swoon all over again. Kakashi could be heartbreakingly honest and open at times, and Iruka could tell he believed what he was saying with everything he had. That was the thing about wearing a mask all the time. When he didn’t, his feelings were pretty much bared to everyone.

They’d gone back to bed after that, exploring each other’s bodies with their hands, mouths, almost like it was their first time again. There was no sex, just gentle touch, sometimes tender and hesitant and other times confident and firm. And kisses. Iruka thought he liked kissing Kakashi almost more than anything else, because Kakashi's lips were his and only his, something nobody else got to see.

“I need to go soon,” Kakashi said, breaking the comfortable silence that had been stretched over them. He was lying on his back, eyes closed, one arm curled around Iruka.

“Go where?” Iruka asked, pulling his body in closer to Kakashi to feel as much of the other’s heat as he could before Kakashi left. He didn’t want the jōnin to leave, but he wasn’t stupid. If Kakashi said something like that he meant it, and nothing would stop him from leaving.

“To see Ibiki.”

Iruka felt his mind freeze and his body unconsciously stiffened. Kakashi rolled over so that they were both on their sides, facing one another, and wrapped an arm around Iruka’s back. “Don’t panic about it, I just want to put a little hurt on that Rock nin, okay? He doesn’t know what pain is yet, but he will.” _Nobody messes with my chūnin and gets away with it._

“I want to come.”

“Huh?” Iruka’s eyes were serious and commanding. He didn’t look like he was going to change his mind. “’Ru, that’s probably not a good idea. Why do you want to go, anyway?”

Iruka looked away. “I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with you.”

Kakashi pulled him in closer. “You know that you’re going to be alone eventually, right? I’ll have to go back on missions, and you’ll have to go back to teaching.”

Iruka nodded. “Eventually. Not now. Please?”

“I don’t think you should see him. I could take you to Genma and Raidō's though, if you don’t want to stay here with Gai.”

“’Kashi…” Iruka didn’t want to beg. 

“They’re probably feeling really guilty about letting you wander off with that guy. They’ll do anything they can to help you out,” Kakashi supplied helpfully.

“‘Kashi, I’m not going to take advantage of their guilt. It wasn’t their fault anyway.” He paused, looking at Kakashi. “You partly blame them, don’t you? You think they shouldn’t have let me go.”

“Well, they shouldn’t have. They’re supposed to be jōnin, they should know better.”

“So you don’t trust my judgement either? You think that I should have babysitters?” 

“Well, obviously your judgement was flawed in taking that guy home with you. Even if he was innocent, what do you think would have happened if Hound came home instead of me?” Kakashi knew he shouldn’t have brought Hound into it, but he couldn’t help it. Iruka had to know how dangerous the situation he’d put himself in was. 

Iruka pulled away from Kakashi, sitting up and drawing his knees to his chest protectively. His eyes broadcast freely how hurt he was and Kakashi felt his stomach clench. “Yes, I made a mistake. I was stupid, alright? I admit it. But that doesn’t mean I’m so weak and useless that I need someone to baby me all the time. You don’t have to make me feel like such a failure. I know that I’ll never be more than a chūnin and I’m fine with that.”

Kakashi sat up too, facing him. He could barely restrain himself from shaking the younger man’s shoulders. _Why can’t you understand?_ “Iruka, I’m not trying to say you’re weak. I’m just doing everything in my power to protect you because I’m scared.”

Iruka stared at him. To the best of his knowledge, Copy-nin’s did not freely admit to weaknesses. Kakashi sighed and ran his fingers through his hair nervously, avoiding eye contact with the chūnin. “I’m scared of losing you. You almost died, and I couldn’t have done anything to stop it. I never realised before that I could go away on a mission only to come back and find you’d died while I was away. I can’t lose you, I won’t lose you. I don’t have anything else.”

Kakashi was shaking. Whether it was from fear or anger or some other unnamed emotion Iruka couldn’t tell, but it was humbling to see the jōnin so affected because of him. He didn’t like being treated like a child, but in light of recent events he could see why people wouldn’t trust his judgement. And he could understand Kakashi’s need to attempt to protect him in every way he possibly could, knowing that the anti-social jōnin had very few real friends and everyone that had ever been close to him before now lived under the ground. 

Iruka crawled forward and wrapped his arms around the jōnin’s waist, burying his face in a warm pale shoulder. “I’m sorry, Kakashi. I didn’t even think that my stupidity could hurt you. I just wanted to get back at Genma.”

Kakashi wrapped his arms around his chūnin in return and rested his chin on Iruka’s shoulder. “What does Genma have to do with this?”

“He was saying that my judgement of you was wrong and I shouldn’t trust you because you keep hurting me. I was upset and hurt and he didn’t seem to like Zan either so I took him home with me to prove a point. It was petty and stupid.”

Kakashi’s eye darkened, and Iruka felt his body stiffen. “Don’t blame Genma for what happened,” he added, sensing where the jōnin’s anger was directed. “It was still my own idiocy that got me into trouble.”

“He should have done something,” Kakashi growled. “He knows better.”

Iruka held the jōnin tighter, practically crawling onto his lap. “Don’t be mad at Genma,” he whispered, kissing Kakashi’s neck softly. “He was just doing the same thing you’re doing. Trying to protect me… just from the wrong person.”

Kakashi moved his hand in slow circles on Iruka’s back, closing his eyes. “Trying to protect you from me,” he said heavily.

“Yes.” Iruka licked the underside of his jaw tenderly. “But he just doesn’t understand. He’ll learn.”

“I’m sorry.” _Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for making you doubt me. Sorry for not being good enough for you._

“No more apologising. Just take me with you when you go.” _I don’t want to be alone._

“I don’t want you to see what I do to him,” Kakashi said softly. “I don’t want you to think I’m a monster.”

Iruka chuckled humourlessly. “Don’t you think I’d already think that, if I was going to? I expect you’ll do to him what you want to do to yourself for hurting me.”

Kakashi smiled grimly. “I think that Ibiki will want him kept alive, at least for a bit longer.”

“You would kill him?” Iruka asked. “Are you really that mad at yourself?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? I hate who I am inside, except for when I’m with you. You change something in me, change something for good, but who I am hurts you. I can’t forgive myself for that.” Kakashi’s fingers stilled on Iruka’s back and he dipped his head low. “But he took you without permission. He hurt you on purpose, orchestrating how you felt for his own amusement. I will not forgive him for that.”

Kakashi’s voice was low and steely. Iruka suddenly felt very cold, even though the sun was now high in the sky and beating down on his back.   
“He doesn’t deserve to live. I don’t want you there to see me kill him, because I know you won’t like it. You’re too inherently good, ‘Ruka. It will hurt you.”

“I don’t care about him,” Iruka said softly. “What’s done is done, and I don’t care what happens to him. I only want to come because I don’t want to be away from you.”

Kakashi sighed heavily. “Then come. But I still don’t want you watching.”

 

Iruka had never been to T and I headquarters before, and he decided as soon as he got there that he never wanted to again. Once was enough, thank you very much. He shivered, and shuffled so he was walking a little closer to Kakashi. Kakashi ruffled his hair, much like he would do to Naruto, and gave him a shut-eye smile. “Feel free to leave anytime.”

Iruka shook his head resolutely. “I’m not leaving until you leave.”

They were walking down a dingy, skinny staircase lit by old-fashioned lamps which were spread further apart the closer they got to the bottom. Kakashi squeezed his hand encouragingly for a moment and then dropped it. “It’s really not so bad. Ibiki just set this up to freak out anyone coming in for questioning. Fancies himself as a bit of a Doctor Frankenstein, or something.”

“Well, it’s working,” Iruka whispered. At the bottom of the stairs were corridors leading in three directions, and he was glad when Kakashi turned left without hesitating. He had the feeling that the interrogation building was set up like an underground maze to completely disorient anyone who ended up there.

It turned out he was right as the path they were following quickly split up into two more directions, of which Kakashi took the right. After three more turns the dingy lamp lit stone hallways underwent a major change, though not one Iruka was completely confortable with. The shadows and soft half-lighting of the stone halls were almost preferable to this stark white room with its fluorescent bulbs leaving nothing hidden. He blinked a few times, his eyes having trouble adjusting to the brightness.

Ibiki was across the room studying some sort of chart but he looked up as they entered, giving Kakashi a curt nod and looking Iruka up and down, frowning. “What is he doing here?” he asked gruffly, addressing Kakashi.

Kakashi shrugged loosely, and Iruka fought the urge to hide behind him. He’d been grateful at seeing Ibiki at first, almost afraid that no one else was actually down here and it was just Hound playing tricks on him, but now he wasn’t so sure. “He asked to come, so he’s here.”

“You know that chūnin aren’t allowed in here,” Ibiki said, staring at Iruka. Iruka stared back as best he could, not wanting to seem afraid.

Kakashi glanced between Iruka and Ibiki, trying to figure out the best plan of action. He wanted to shake the interrogations master and tell him that Iruka had every damn right to go wherever he pleased after what had happened to him, but he couldn’t do it with Iruka in the room. And there was no way he’d ask his chūnin to ‘just wait here for a sec in this purposefully scary room – by yourself – while I go beat the crap out of someone who is supposedly on our side.’ No, that wouldn’t work. Iruka was panicking enough just being here, to leave him on his own would just be cruel. He probably didn’t even realise the little tics he was showing and the jumps in his chakra that practically screamed how afraid he was. Kakashi scowled. Iruka didn’t know, but he’d bet both his eyes that Ibiki did. And that asshole was purposefully making it harder for him.

“Iruka stays,” Kakashi said flatly. Ibiki had every right to challenge him, down here in his department, but he didn’t think he would. He’d helped out the interrogations expert a few times, and outside of this building he was the one with more power.

Ibiki inclined his head in agreement. “It is up to him. But he does not go into the cell with the prisoner, understand?”

Kakashi nodded, and grazed the knuckles of one glove over Iruka’s cheek in a half caress, the closest he could come to supporting him physically with Ibiki in the room. “Sit there, okay?” He pointed to one of two chairs in the centre of the otherwise empty room. “If you don’t want to see anymore, ask Ibiki to pull down the blinds.”

“You know I can’t do that, Kakashi,” Ibiki said. “I have to watch in case you get out of hand. I will not let you kill my prisoner.”

Kakashi smiled at Iruka through the mask, without closing his eye. “Then just hide your face, okay? This shouldn’t take long.”

Iruka sat, and Ibiki walked over ton one of the blindingly white walls and pushed a virtually undetectable button. Part of the wall rose up, revealing a window through which Iruka could see Zan slumped on the floor with his wrists and ankles bound. He gasped, unable to contain the sound. Both Kakashi and Ibiki turned to him.

“He can’t see you,” Kakashi said reassuringly, “It’s one way glass. The other side is like a mirror. He won’t even know you’re here.”

“Hurry up and get this over with,” Ibiki growled, all but pushing Kakashi towards what Iruka could now see was a door into Zan’s room. Then Kakashi disappeared and reappeared on the other side of the glass, bending down to say something to Zan.

“Do you want to hear what they’re saying?” Ibiki asked. He was uncomfortable having a chūnin in his domain when he usually only dealt with ANBU and occasionally the Elite, but he’d heard about this particular situation from Tsunade (who had been spitting mad and punching holes in his walls) and felt sorry for Iruka. He assumed that what was going on now was some sort of demented healing process, and who was he to stop that?

Although he had been surprised to say the least that someone as powerful as Kakashi had chosen a common school teacher to settle down with. Granted he didn’t know Iruka all that well, but still, a chūnin? Relationships with couples of different ranks never tended to work out too well. They were too unbalanced.

Iruka nodded hesitantly, and Ibiki flicked a switch before walking over to stand uncomfortably close to Iruka’s chair to watch the scene unfold.   
Zan was lying on the ground – Kakashi had pushed him over and he either didn’t want to or couldn’t get back up – spitting up at the jōnin, who towered above him. “You know what, he begged me for it. You’re obviously not enough for him, he wanted something more substantial than your puny cock in his pretty little ass. If I got him again I’d fuck him with both of my fists, and he’d enjoy it, that little slut.” He glanced over at the mirrored glass and Iruka felt his blood run cold. _He’s staring right at me._

A hand squeezed his shoulder lightly and he jumped. “He can’t see you,” Ibiki said gruffly. “And there’s no way he can get out here.”

Kakashi stomped his foot into Zan’s chest, making him double up, coughing. “He doesn’t want you, you pathetic excuse for a human,” he hissed. “Nobody wants you.”

Zan laughed in between coughs, taunting. “Oh, but he does. He enjoyed it, and if I offered it to him again he’d take it. I bet I could please him much better than you.”

“No,” Kakashi growled, lifting him by the front of his shirt and slamming him into the wall, his head bouncing off it and his eyes rolling in their sockets. “You’re despicable.”

“I’m sexy,” Zan retorted. “Your face is so ugly you have to hide it with a damn mask all the time. Of course he wanted to have a little fling with me.”

“I’ll show you a little fling,” Kakashi muttered, spinning 180° and tossing the smaller man effortlessly to the other side of the cell. Zan’s head made a sickening crunching noise as it hit the wall, and when he looked up there was blood streaming from his lip. He stuck his tongue out and swiped at it slowly. 

“I bet your little boyfriend thinks about me when you fuck him. Calls my name in his head. ‘Oh Zan, Zan,’” he mimicked, speaking in a high pitched voice.

Kakashi bore down on him, murderous intent clear in his eyes. “I could snap your neck like a twig,” he snarled. “Nobody would stop me.”  
Instead, he took Zan’s bound hands in his own and pulled the little finger of his right hand back until it snapped. “But I’m not supposed to do that,” he said calmly as he snapped the next finger. “So instead, I’m going to break every bone you used to touch my poor chūnin with.”  
He pulled the middle finger back, waiting for the crack of the bone shattering, and let his gaze wander down to Zan’s crotch. “Of course, there’s no actual bone down there so I can’t snap it,” he said conversationally, reaching behind him to pull a kunai out of his back pocket. “So, I figured the next best thing to do would be to cut it off.” He curved his eye up into a crescent moon shape, a mocking smile which managed to convey no warmth.

Kakashi snapped the last finger and thumb at the same time, finally getting a moan out of the pale faced Zan, who had been holding in his agony out of pride. “You can’t,” he whispered. “If you cut off my dick your chūnin will never orgasm again, not like the way he did when he was under me.”

Kakashi punched him in the jaw, giving a satisfied smirk as he felt several teeth splinter.

“Please stop him. No more.” Iruka had his hands over his ears and his feet up on the chair, knees drawn close to his body. “No more,” he whispered.

Ibiki didn’t know whether he meant Kakashi or Zan, but either way he couldn’t let Kakashi dismember his prisoner. He decided against trying to comfort the chūnin by patting his shoulder the way he had last time – it hadn’t seemed to work, he didn’t really understand how to console people, his job was to make them go out of their minds and spill all their secrets – instead leaving him to confront Kakashi, flicking the switch so that Iruka couldn’t hear any more on the way in.

He entered the little room and swiftly removed the kunai from Kakashi’s outstretched hand. Kakashi, having been concentrating solely on the little weasel who had the nerve to touch his chūnin and not having realised he’d come in, whirled around in a defensive stance.

“You’re not supposed to have this in here,” Ibiki said sternly. “You know the rules.”

“I don’t need that to kill him,” Kakashi spat.

Ibiki flicked his eyes towards the glass. “You’re scaring him.”

Kakashi followed his gaze, his shoulders slumping. “That’s why I didn’t want him to come. This is not helping him at all.”

Ibiki raised an eyebrow. “That’s what I thought, but helping people stay psychologically balanced has never really been my thing, so I went with your judgement. Why’d you bring him, if you didn’t want to?”

Kakashi bent down and pushed two fingers sharply into a pressure point on Zan’s neck, forcing him into unconsciousness. “He doesn’t want to be left alone. He only came to be with me.”

Ibiki snorted. Iruka seemed pathetic to him, even for a chūnin. “How’d you end up with a pre-genin teacher anyway, great Hatake Kakashi?”

Kakashi smiled gently, unnoticeable beneath the mask. “He wouldn’t take no for an answer.” He had given the chūnin enough reasons to be fairly certain his feelings were shared, camping out in the tree outside his classroom, handing in every mission report to him, bumping into him casually on the street – Iruka would have had to be blind not to realise he had a crush. 

But despite desperately crushing on the sweet but hot-tempered chūnin Kakashi had continued watching but avoided the mention of an actual relationship like the plague. Iruka had stepped up to the challenge and bullied him into saying yes, a fact that he was permanently grateful for.   
“Speaking of whom, he needs me,” he added, brushing past Ibiki and out of the room.

Ibiki followed, nonplussed. He still couldn’t understand how Hatake Kakashi, the man who got close to no one, had been captured by a simple chūnin. He shook his head in amazement. Well, relationship study had never really been his forte.

Iruka was as Ibiki had left him; hands clamped tight over his ears, his knees drawn up and his face buried in between them. Kakashi paused for a moment. He had about as much of an idea as to how to comfort Iruka as Ibiki did. He didn’t know whether Iruka was cringing because of what the rock nin had said or if it was his treatment of Zan that had gotten to him. He prayed it was the former rather than the latter.

“’Ruka.” Kakashi crept forward, his hand hovering somewhere near his chūnin’s shoulder. He didn’t want to touch him because he didn’t know what he would do if Iruka flinched away from him. Unfortunately he didn’t have much of a choice, as Iruka wasn’t responding to his voice. “Hey, ‘Ru.” He rested his hand somewhat awkwardly on Iruka’s shoulder, making him jump.

Iruka peered over the top of his knees, eyes widening as he realised the person touching him was Kakashi. Then he moved forward and flung his arms around Kakashi’s neck, clinging to him tightly. Surprised, but glad that he wasn’t hated, Kakashi wrapped his arms around the trembling chūnin’s back gently.

“Hey, ‘Ru, are you alright?”

Iruka nodded against his neck, clutching tighter to the back of his shirt. “Home now?”

“Yes.” Kakashi smiled, and turned to nod a thankful goodbye to Ibiki, who nodded back. “But I’m afraid you’re going to have to let go of me.”  
Iruka reluctantly loosened his grip and slid to the floor, standing as close as he possibly could to the jōnin without touching him, following silently as Kakashi led the way out of the interrogation building maze. He kept his proximity even as they were walking through the streets of Konoha towards Iruka’s apartment, all but ignoring the people who called out to him. He kept his eyes on the ground and his hands wound together tightly in front of him, the knuckles turning white.

Kakashi watched him out of the corner of his eye, feeling concerned and guilty. He’d known it would be a bad idea to take Iruka in to see Zan, but he’d done it anyway. Gently, he untangled Iruka’s hands and took one in his own. He didn’t care who saw them anymore. Let them talk. People could say whatever they wanted. Iruka needed him.

Iruka stared at his hand in Kakashi’s for a little while, then raised his face to look at the jōnin with big eyes. The sentiment of the action wasn’t lost on him and he gave a small smile, gripping the hand tighter and stepping up to walk beside Kakashi, rather than in his shadow.


	25. Chapter 25

With Zan dead, Iruka felt a little better. Tsunade had called him into her office the day after he’d gone to T and I with Kakashi and told him that he’d been executed. He didn’t know whether it made him a bad person or not, being happy about someone losing their life, so he tried not to think about it. He was still slightly wary of strangers, though, and when he’d walked home from the Hokage Tower he’d walked a little bit closer to Kakashi than normal. The jōnin pretended not to notice, but Iruka knew he had. He wouldn’t be a jōnin if he hadn’t.

Kakashi made life bearable. The jōnin was sweet and attentive, and he was always tripping over him. It seemed he had no intention of ever leaving his side, and for that he was grateful. It made him feel less dirty. But there were times when the older man seemed to disappear from him, somehow. It would usually only be for a second and his smile would be back, but Iruka was worried all the same. He put it to the back of his mind, shaking his head. _If he had any problems he’d tell me. You’re just being paranoid, Iruka._

 

Iruka woke abruptly, his eyes snapping open in the darkness. He flicked his eyes around the room cautiously, trying to make out what had woken him, but was distracted by Kakashi rolling onto his front beside him. 

_Ah._ Iruka smiled, tension he hadn’t realised he’d gained seeping out of him and returning him to the warm hazy state of the half-asleep. _It’s just ‘Kashi being restless._ He’d found himself waking a lot lately, the smallest sound disrupting his sleep and forcing him to get out of bed just to check that there were no intruders in the house. Kakashi had caught him once and the guilt and pain in his eyes had been enough to make him adamant to try to break this habit.

Just as he was about to lapse back into sleep his mind piped up. _But Kakashi doesn’t have trouble sleeping._ With supreme effort Iruka blinked his eyes back open. That was true enough. Kakashi didn’t usually roll over in his sleep, because he spent a fair amount of time sleeping in trees and rolling is a potentially dangerous action when you’re eight feet off the ground.

Iruka leaned in closer to his lover, wondering what had to have happened for Kakashi to be so disturbed. The jōnin was making a pitiful whining sound in the back of his throat, and quivering ever so slightly. Iruka contemplated waking him. He didn’t want to risk Kakashi waking up fighting, as jōnin were prone to do, because he’d have no chance and when Kakashi snapped out of it he’d be upset and guilty.

So instead of shaking him awake Iruka crawled closer and rubbed calming circles on his back. He was surprised Kakashi didn’t have more nightmares, actually. The man had seen and done more than enough horrible things in his life to stop him from ever being able to close his eyes. 

The rubbing didn’t seem to be working. Kakashi was shaking harder now, and, Iruka noticed as he pressed even closer, tears were leaking out from under the cloth he used to cover the sharingan while he slept. “Shh, ‘Kashi, I’m here for you,” he whispered, and kissed away the tears that were, to his great surprise, now trickling from both eyes.

“Shit, ‘Ru, why are you still here for me?” Kakashi whispered back, his throat raw and scratchy.

“Because I love you, ‘Kashi,” Iruka said quietly, wrapping his arms around the shaking jōnin and breathing shushing noises into his hair. “Just relax, okay? It was only a dream.”

“It wasn’t a dream.” Kakashi buried his face into a warm tanned collarbone, unable to help himself. “It was a memory.”

“Oh,” Iruka breathed, and resumed his soothing circles on the jōnin’s back. He didn’t really know what to say to that. Kakashi must have memories bad enough to warrant nightmares worse than this, and he couldn’t say he understood because he didn’t.

Before he’d become a teacher he’d been an active shinobi and he had, at one point, taken the life of an enemy ninja. It had been an accident, a panicked reaction to being chased into a corner, but he’d still done it. He remembered the ache and the unbearable guilt he’d felt for weeks afterwards, the months of waking nightmares in which he’d seen the man’s dead eyes staring at him blankly, accusing him of stealing his life. His imagination had conjured up a family for that man, a wife and young daughter waiting for him to come home to them to celebrate his birthday. They’d stared at him accusingly, too.

But that was nothing compared to what Kakashi must go through, the hundreds of lives he’d taken – particularly when he was just a child. He couldn’t say that the guilt and the nightmares would go away, because they both knew they didn’t. “I’m sorry, Kakashi.”

Kakashi was staring at him; his eyes glistening with more unshed tears. He wiped at his eye with the back of his hand. “Shit, I’m so weak.” He sniffed. “You shouldn’t be sorry, ‘Ru. I’m the one that should be sorry.”

Iruka touched his lips to the jōnin’s forehead lightly. “Will it help if you talk about it?” He didn’t particularly want to hear the terrible things Kakashi had done, but he knew that just talking it out made things a little easier to bear and he would do this for his jōnin.

“Gods, ‘Ru, I don’t deserve you.” Kakashi clung to him, and it was frightening. He’d never seen Kakashi lose this much control before, and though his fear was mostly that his lover was losing himself, on a deeper level he was afraid Kakashi would snap. He was afraid because the incident with Zan had proved just how much stronger the jōnin was than him. An out of control Copy-nin could kill him with ease, without even thinking.

“It’s in the past, Kakashi. Think about the here and the now. Touch me. Concentrate on the concrete things of the present.” He carefully peeled one of Kakashi’s hands from his back and ran it down his own chest. Kakashi jerked it back as if he’d been burned.

“I’m not going to fuck you ‘Ru, I’m not. I can’t. I won’t be like that.”

Iruka unconsciously scrunched his nose up in confusion. He had no idea what that meant, but he figured he’d take a stab in the dark at it anyway. “If you mean to say that you think touching me would be using me, it’s not. I’m fine with it.”

Kakashi pulled away from him and rolled over to face the other way, his face in his hands. “I’m a monster,” he moaned.

Iruka hesitantly put a hand on the jōnin’s back, unsure if more contact would be unwanted. “’Kashi, you’re not a monster. You just use your skills to protect the people you care about, the people of this village. That’s an admirable trait, not a despicable one.” Now that was a speech he’d given way too many times, mostly to previous students who’d made their first kill, or seen one of their teammates die in battle. It broke his heart every time, knowing that he was the one who sent them out there, but it was necessary. And each time, although it broke him down, he came out of it stronger. “It’s just a memory, it’s not happening right now. You’re alright. You're fine.”

Kakashi was silent for a while, and Iruka dared to let himself hope that the jōnin was starting to believe him. When he spoke his voice held no emotion, and it sent chills down Iruka’s spine. “How does raping you protect anyone in this village? It definitely doesn’t protect the one person I care about the most.” He rolled over to face Iruka, his eye blank and his mouth a firm, straight line. “Have you ever experienced a sharingan memory?”

 _Oh shit._ He’d misjudged that one quite badly. _He wasn’t thinking about the people he’d killed… he was thinking about me._ “No,” Iruka said quietly.

“It feels as real as a genjutsu does,” Kakashi said flatly. “But it’s often worse, because it is a real memory you’re reliving. I -” His voice broke, no longer able to hide all of his feelings. “Shit, Iruka, I never want to feel myself take you by force again. It’s – I never imagined it would be that bad. You brush it off like it’s nothing and I – I hurt you so much. I don’t understand why you’re still with me.”

“Hey.” Iruka kissed his lips, pulling back unsurprised when the jōnin didn’t respond in kind. “If you want the truth, I’m not altogether sure why I’m here either. Sometimes I look at myself and think I’m incredibly stupid for putting myself in danger like this, but I can’t help it. I want to be with you, Kakashi, flaws and all. I… I love you. And love makes people do stupid things.”

Kakashi sighed, closing his eyes. “I’m so sorry, ‘Ruka. I want to be good enough for you, but I have no control over what Hound does. And what I did then… nothing I do now could make up for that.”

Iruka nuzzled his partner’s chin sleepily. “I know it’s not something you’re just going to be able to forget, but try to forgive yourself for it, okay? I forgave you a long time ago, and I don’t want you to hold it against yourself.”

Kakashi put his arms around his lover mechanically, because it was expected of him, and Iruka snuggled into his chest. He didn’t understand. How could Iruka trust him so explicitly after what he’d done to him? The chūnin’s trust had made him think that perhaps it hadn’t been so bad for him, that maybe Hound had been gentle because of Kakashi’s feelings. That was why the memory had been so much of a shock. Gentle was the one thing that Hound hadn’t been. The expression of fear mixed with pain that was burned into his brain did not belong on his sweet chūnin’s face.

That was the other problem. He’d never had to deal with Hound’s sharingan memories before. Little snippets of them had been showing up on occasion recently, like the memory of Iruka jerking off, and that had never happened before. This memory of holding Iruka down and forcing himself inside was the first entire memory he’d seen, and he wished he hadn’t. It made him want to vomit. He never wanted to see that again, and he was almost afraid to close his eyes in case Hound decided to show him another memory.

Unconsciously he tightened his grip on Iruka. He’d never felt so confused. He’d hurt the sweet chūnin in a horrible, irreversible way and yet despite that Iruka was willing to stay with him. Selfishly he was glad of it, because deep down he knew that Iruka was the only one who could save him from whatever was happening to him now. He just hoped that the chūnin didn’t get hurt in the process.

 

There was something bothering Kakashi, Iruka could feel it. It was something he refused to talk about or even acknowledge and it skittered around them both, filled with nervous energy and making it hard for him to pinpoint exactly what it was. It made him edgy, because he knew that as soon as it stilled it was going to blow up in his face.

He had the feeling it centred around the nightmare Kakashi had had a few nights ago, but he knew it must be much bigger than that. At first he’d been willing to pass it over as just something that happens sometimes, but then Kakashi had started acting weird. He barely talked, except for half-mutterings to himself, and had started ever-so-subtly avoiding spending as much time with him. He spent long periods of time in front of the memorial stone and when he came home he flopped onto the couch and stared at his Icha Icha without turning the pages until it was time to go to bed.

The way the silver-haired prodigy was acting hurt Iruka more than he’d ever admit to Kakashi, but he just swallowed it down like he did all his other problems in life. He tried to look on the bright side. Worrying about Kakashi meant he wasn’t worrying so much about himself, right? Right?

More than anything, Iruka felt weary. He didn’t understand; this wasn’t how things were meant to go. He wasn’t a romantic, being a realist the only way to survive in the shinobi world, but even he thought he deserved a break for once. His boyfriend had a No Missions pass for an entire week, and he was off work for an indefinite amount of time. These two facts combined should, realistically, yield sex and togetherness, or at the very least a small dose of happiness. Apparently not.

He worked hard to control the panic that arose every time someone came up behind him and slapped him on the shoulder when he was concentrating on something else, fought to erase the irrational fear that occurred every time a stranger held his gaze for a few seconds too long when he was out on the street. He’d calmed the anxiety of thinking he heard something in the night to the point where he didn’t need to get out of bed and check his house was secure, reminding himself that Kakashi was beside him and would wake if any threat was present.

Iruka hated having to rely on Kakashi for his own sanity. Partly because he knew that very soon the jōnin would be taking missions again and he wouldn’t always be there, but mostly because it made him feel weak and pitiful.

But Kakashi’s odd behaviour was freaking him out much more than anything else. He had started wearing a forced smile, more often than not, just to help himself get through the day. And the sad fact was that the fake smile was generally only for himself, because he seldom ventured outside and Kakashi didn’t seem to notice at all.

“’Kashi, I made popcorn and there’s cold beer in the fridge. Want to watch a movie with me?” Iruka gave his best, most believable smile, and dangled Icha Icha Violence: Uncut in front of his boyfriend’s face.

Kakashi didn’t even look up. “I’m sorry ‘Ru, not right now.”

Iruka dropped the DVD on the table. He’d had to swallow his pride to buy porn for the jōnin and the lazy prick refused to even look up? His shoulders slumped in defeat. “’Kashi, if the reason you’re being so distant is because you don’t want me anymore then just tell me, okay? I can deal with it.”

His own words helped some of his more unrealistic theories spring back to life. _It’s Zan. When Zan fucked you you showed him two things: one, that you’re a weak and pathetic excuse for a ninja and two, that you’ll spread your legs for anybody._ Iruka sniffed away any tears that might threaten, wondering what the hell had happened to his nice Kakashi. “I’ll just… be in the bedroom if you want me for anything,” he said quietly.

Kakashi watched him go from over the top of his book, feeling his heart tear itself into shreds. _Well, you deserve to feel that way,_ he chastened himself. _Look what you’re doing to him._

It hurt, seeing Iruka get more and more upset and distant and not knowing how to do anything about it. It hurt knowing that Iruka had his own pain to deal with but was pushing that aside to try and reach him, but failing at it because Kakashi himself was a stupid idiot who couldn’t figure out how to break his own ingrained senses not to rely on anyone else for help, and to keep everything inside.

His problem was that nothing was staying inside anyway. It was all coming out. Assassinations, failed missions, dying teammates. Children, teenagers, adults, the elderly. Women and men. Shinobi and citizen. All dying by his hand, their lifeblood seeping out and staining the earth defiantly. And ‘Ruka, his ‘Ruka, arcing beneath him not in pleasure but in pain, struggling to get away from him but failing, his eyes wide in terror.

It had started slowly, creeping up on him. The first time, he’d just closed his eye for a second to smile at someone and a young girl appeared behind his eyelids, sleeping peacefully. A split second later she was dead, her throat slit by his silent hand. He’d blinked, dazed, opening his eye to find himself back in Konoha with Raidō looking at him strangely. He’d excused himself and hurried off, confused.

Next was a couple, a husband and wife nailed to the wall of their own house by his kunai for the simple reason that her wealthy brother wanted to take custody of their child. It happened when he closed his eyes to shampoo his hair, the strong and steady plink of the water hitting the bathroom floor a faint echo of his thundering heart, his tears invisible in the steam.

He saw a missing nin die via a chidori to the chest, saw himself torture an enemy shinobi not much older than Naruto by slicing his fingers off, one by one. The kid begged and screamed but refused to talk until in the end he’d just slit the poor bastard’s throat. It happened every time he closed his eyes. Each time someone new, a new voice and a new face. He wondered if these people had had lovers, kids, friends who would mourn them, left to live on alone.

After the night Iruka had woken him they’d started appearing even when his eyes were open, materializing in front of him when he was walking and begging him for mercy, of which he never showed any.

He was seeing their blood everywhere now, and it was starting to drive him insane. Everything he touched, everywhere he went. When he turned to go home from visiting the memorial stone he could see the bloody footprints showing him where he’d come from, and where he would ultimately head back to because he had no choice, had nothing else.

Iruka’s apartment was the worst, an almost solid burning red. And when he looked at Iruka himself he could see the bruises, the cuts, just how much damage he’d caused, Iruka’s broken expression condemning him for what he’d done. He wanted to back up into a corner and cry that he’d never meant to, never done anything but he found he couldn’t speak. The words stuck in his throat and died there.

He wished he could be there for the chūnin, comfort him from the pain he could clearly see he was causing. But it was like the people he’d killed were a barrier around him, stopping him from being able to communicate or go to him. If we don’t get to see our lovers anymore, neither do you, they seemed to say to him. And after seeing exactly what he’d done to Iruka he didn’t think he was any good for the younger man anyway.

So he stared at his Icha Icha until the words blurred and his eyes stung, trying his best not to fall asleep. 

 

When Iruka startled awake, thinking he’d heard a noise, he reached over to touch Kakashi to reassure himself everything was fine. But Kakashi wasn’t there, his cold side of the bed showing that he’d never even come to bed in the first place. Iruka slipped a kunai into each hand resolutely. If Kakashi wasn’t there he’d just have to do the rounds. He tried not to think of reasons the jōnin wouldn’t want to sleep with him.

Stepping soundlessly so as not to alert any possible intruders Iruka tiptoed to the door and peered around it. Weird. The bathroom light was on, and he could hear water running. _Kakashi couldn’t be having a shower at this time of night, could he?_ He might have refrained from mentioning it, but he had noticed that the jōnin hadn’t been sleeping a lot lately. He crept closer.

Well, at least it was definitely Kakashi and not an intruder. He could hear the jōnin muttering under his breath about something. He was about to go in when he recalled what he had said earlier on. _I’ll be in the bedroom if you want me for anything._ Seeing as Kakashi hadn’t even come to bed to sleep it seemed pretty clear that the jōnin didn’t want anything from him. So going to him would probably make him mad.

Iruka paused where he was, unsure whether to stay or go. He knew he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep if he went back to bed now, but if he went in there and his presence upset Kakashi as a result he’d make himself unhappy. He was tipping more towards grabbing some sleeping pills out of his medicine cabinet when a strangled scream and the sound of glass shattering made up his mind for him.

He pushed open the bathroom door and stared in horror. His bathroom mirror was in pieces on the floor. The tap was running on the highest setting and the water was overflowing out of the basin, soaking his bathmat and most everything else.

Kakashi stood barefoot in the middle of all this, his whole body trembling wildly, right eye bloodshot and left spinning madly. He had a shard of glass in his right hand and didn’t even seem to notice that it was cutting through the flesh of his palm. “Just fucking leave me alone,” he screamed, and Iruka shrunk back, thinking it was directed at him.

Then Kakashi was moving the glass up to his face and Iruka didn’t think, just reacted. Leaping from the doorway he slammed into the jōnin, who dropped the glass in surprise. Kakashi turned his head to look at him, but it seemed more as if Kakashi was looking through him. Iruka stared into his eyes, feeling like crying and not knowing what to say. Then he felt the world tilt sideways, and the sharingan showed him what Kakashi could see.

_There are two large, muscled men in front of him. They’re looking away, watching his shadow clone vigilantly. If he’s careful, he can take them both at once. He throws two kunai, hard enough and direct enough to make a clean kill. One hits, and the man fall from the tree like a stone. The other man dodges. Kakashi blends back into the shadows._

_The man is bigger, older and stronger than him, but he’s faster and more intelligent. He jumps from tree to tree in a strategic pattern and the man doesn’t notice. He simply barrels after him._

_The man triggers his trap. He turns back in time to see the man’s wide eyes as his head leaves his body, fear and disbelief clearly showing. Kakashi turns and drops down from the tree beside a river to fill his canteen. It’s a long trip back to Konoha, and he needs to be hydrated._

Iruka gasped as Kakashi suddenly shuddered. His eyes slid shut, his head rolled back, and he slumped to the floor unconscious. Iruka stood frozen. _I saw him, his reflection in the water. He couldn’t have been older than fifteen._ Iruka pulled himself forcefully back into the present. He had been sure that Kakashi had been about to – he didn’t want to think about it.

Instead, he scooped the jōnin’s unresponsive body up off the ground and ran.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK italics.

Tsunade was furious. Whoever was disturbing her sleep at this hour of night better have a bloody good excuse. Well, technically she hadn’t been sleeping. But she could have been, and that was the issue here.

“Aren’t you going to get that?” Jiraiya asked, raising one white eyebrow at her and referring to the insistent banging on her door. “It could be important.”

“Fine,” she snarled, “But I was going to win that round, so off with the shirt.”

Jiraiya grinned. “You don’t know that, I could have a really good hand. I think your shirt should come off.”

Tsunade growled and snatched her coat back off the ground. What in Kami’s name had convinced her she should play strip poker with Konoha’s biggest pervert, anyway? Probably that expensive bottle of sake he’d brought with him, she reluctantly admitted to herself. That damn sannin knew exactly how to worm his way into her room.

“What do you want?” she yelled, ripping the door open and halfway off its hinges. “Even the Hokage needs some time to-” she broke off. Umino Iruka was on his knees outside her door, cradling an unconscious and bleeding Hatake Kakashi in his arms.

He looked up at her with those goddamn huge brown eyes of his. “I’m sorry for disturbing you,” he said quietly, and she mentally cursed his idiotic politeness. “I don’t know what’s wrong with him. Can you help me?”

The petulant part of her wanted to tell him to go away, and she probably would have if he were anyone else. He should have gone to the hospital and not broken into her private quarters. 

Tsunade bent down to study Kakashi’s still form, reaching out to take him. Iruka clutched him tighter, not willing to give up his lover. “Let go, Iruka. I can’t help him if you’re holding him.”

Iruka reluctantly released his grip, and Tsunade took the limp body from him and lay the jōnin down on her bed on his stomach. “Iruka, how did he get glass in his back?”

“He smashed a mirror and then collapsed,” Iruka said softly. The man was shivering, whether from fear or cold she didn’t know. He was dressed in only a loose pair of pyjama pants and had scratches of varying depths running along the insides of his forearms, presumably from where the glass in Kakashi had rubbed against him while he was running. His feet were bleeding too. _Did he run all the way here with glass in his feet?_ Tsunade wondered in amazement. _He’s either incredibly stupid, or just incredibly selfless. Possibly both._

Iruka didn’t even seem to notice he was injured and just stood there, swaying slightly, with that pleading look set in his eyes. He was probably numb with shock. “Sit down, Iruka, and I’ll fix you up.”

The chūnin shook his head. “I don’t need help, fix ‘Kashi.”

Tsunade glanced at Jiraiya, and their eyes met. He dipped his head slightly and she smiled thankfully at him before disappearing into the en suite. When she returned with facecloths and warm water Jiraiya had Iruka sitting in a chair and was sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of him with the chūnin’s feet in his lap. Iruka looked mortified at being attended to by one of the legendary sannin.

Handing two bowls to Jiraiya – one with water and one without – Tsunade turned to Kakashi. _At least the brat’s breathing by himself,_ she thought optimistically. In truth she’d seen him in a lot worse conditions than this. Medically, Sakura could have done a good job healing him as he was now even at the start of her training. How injured he was physically wasn’t really the problem. The problem was that by what Iruka had said she gathered he’d done this to himself, on purpose. He’d have a lot of explaining to do when he woke up.

__“You don’t have to do that,” Iruka said quietly. “I can do it.”_ _

__The Toad Hermit was rinsing his feet and carefully extracting glass from them, and it was making him increasingly uncomfortable. Kakashi might deserve treatment like this, yes, but he didn’t. He was just the messenger. Jiraiya didn’t even look up. “You’re my student’s son’s teacher’s lover and my other student’s favourite teacher. I can do this.” He hummed as he worked._ _

___Student’s son’s teacher’s lover?_ Iruka didn’t even pretend to understand that. “But you’re much more powerful than me.”_ _

__“Power isn’t everything, kid. Kakashi-kun’s more powerful than you too, but I betcha he wouldn’t think twice about getting down on his knees for you.” Jiraiya grinned lecherously. “Although his reason for being on his knees would be totally different than mine.”_ _

__The innuendo went over Iruka’s head, who just stared at him blankly, but Tsunade whacked him in the back for his trouble. “Play nice, Ji-ji,” she scolded, without looking up what she was doing. She’d healed Kakashi’s hand for the most part, but bandaged it anyway to stop him from using it too soon and busting up the delicate strings of chakra holding it together. She hadn’t thought twice about slicing his shirt open. It was a uniform shirt, after all, and the workaholic jōnin probably had a large collection of them at home anyway._ _

__She did wonder briefly whether doing this meant she was free to take a peek under the mask, but decided against it. Poor Iruka-sensei didn’t deserve any more trauma tonight._ _

__It didn’t take long to heal the jōnin’s back as the cuts were, for the most part, superficial, and when she’d finished she rolled him onto his side in a lazy recovery position._ _

__When Tsunade moved over to heal Iruka Jiraiya moved out of the way. “Sake?” he said helpfully, holding up cups. Iruka stared at him blearily. Tsunade focused on healing and nodded without turning her head. “Three cups.”_ _

__Iruka protested weakly, stunned at the fact that two sannin were treating him. Tsunade hushed him. “It’s liquid courage, kiddo. Plus, it’ll help knock you out so you can sleep. I’m guessing you’ve had trouble with that lately?” She eyed the bags under his eyes._ _

__He nodded wearily and downed the shot given to him faster than necessary, spluttering slightly. Tsunade whistled at his feet. “You really did a number on those.”_ _

__Iruka shrugged loosely. “I guess I didn’t really think.”_ _

__“Hn.” Well, that much was obvious anyway. Jiraiya handed him another shot and Iruka gulped it greedily, with less spluttering than the last.  
“So can you tell me what happened?” Tsunade asked, letting go of Iruka’s foot and standing up. Ignoring the glass Jiraiya was holding out she went for his other hand and chugged straight from the bottle._ _

__Iruka stared at his feet, wriggling his toes experimentally. “He had a nightmare a few nights ago, only he said that it wasn’t a nightmare, it was a memory. A memory of… of me and him together, when he was Hound. And then he asked me if I’d ever seen a sharingan memory.” He frowned. “He’s been getting more and more distant since then, avoiding me and talking to himself. Then tonight I woke up and he wasn’t in bed, so I got up to check for him and found him in the bathroom with the tap running and the mirror smashed.”_ _

__Tsunade and Jiraiya exchanged a look. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for ANBU to go crazy, even jōnin on occasion. That was why they were expected to have regular psyche evaluations. Unfortunately, the nin who conducted the psyche evaluations had never been able to get anything on Kakashi. The man outsmarted them, acted as if the colour of the sky was the most interesting thing in the world and pretended to be the one evaluating them._ _

__“He,” Iruka said quietly, voice shaking, “I think he was trying to cut out his eye.”_ _

__“The sharingan?” Jiraiya said immediately._ _

__Iruka nodded, and the sannin glanced at each other again. They both had a feeling what that meant, and it definitely wasn’t good. “Listen, Iruka,” Tsunade said slowly, “I don’t think he’s going to wake up any time soon. Do you want to spend the night here with him, or do you want to go home? I can get an ANBU to go with you, if you’d like.”_ _

__“Here?” Iruka looked panicked. “But this is the Hokage’s quarters.”_ _

__Tsunade shrugged. “I’m not moving him anywhere else for tonight,” she nodded toward Kakashi, “And besides, he’s considered the best bet for the title of Rokudaime so you’d probably be sleeping here soon enough anyway.” _Although if he continues like this I’ll have to think about someone else to replace me.__ _

__Iruka was biting his lip so Tsunade made the decision for him, lifting Kakashi slightly off the bed so Jiraiya could pull the covers out from underneath him. “Get in.”_ _

__Iruka obeyed meekly. He was too drained physically and emotionally to argue. Tsunade put Kakashi down gently and Jiraiya pulled the covers back up to their chins. She then turned to Jiraiya. “Ji-ji –”_ _

__“I should have a spare futon somewhere,” he said gruffly._ _

__“Thank you,” she said with a smile, then turned back to Iruka. “If he wakes up, go out and ask an ANBU to come get me. And walk as little as possible for the next few days, okay? Your feet need time to heal properly.”_ _

__Iruka nodded drowsily. He was still worried about Kakashi but with the sake, the rush through the village to get here and the fact he hadn’t slept very well for the past few days he found it was all he could do to keep his eyes open. He was asleep even before the sannin had left the room._ _

__

__“Aw, man.” Tsunade leaned against the wall and sighed. “I think I need more to drink.”_ _

__Jiraiya watched his old friend apprehensively. He knew she was worried that this was somehow her fault, and he was worried because the only way he knew how to help her out was to get her drunk. They’d arrived in the apartment he was renting while he was staying in town so he obligingly went to get out another bottle of sake and sat down at the kotatsu. “Ne, Tsu-chan, we could finish our game,” he offered, slipping a leer onto his features._ _

__Tsunade slumped down on the other side of the table and exhaled loudly. “Not right now, Ji-ji. Just… no games.”_ _

__Jiraiya didn’t answer, instead pouring two drinks and handing one to her. She gulped it down. “Ji-ji, am I a terrible Hokage?”_ _

__“You’re better than I would be,” he said truthfully. “And what’s happening to Sakumo’s brat is nothing to do with you.”_ _

__Tsunade giggled. “If you were Hokage, all the onsen around here would be mixed gender.”_ _

__“Yes, and I get free entry,” Jiraiya crowed, glad she could still find something to laugh about._ _

__Tsunade gave a half-hearted smile that fell off her face almost as soon as it had appeared and sighed. “He’s breaking apart, isn’t he?”_ _

__“Who, Kakashi?” Jiraiya asked, even though he knew damn well who she was referring to. “Probably. But we shouldn’t judge until he wakes up and can explain himself.” _If he can explain himself.__ _

__“What do I do with him?” Tsunade put her head in her hands. “It’s my fault, whatever this is, for putting him back in ANBU without checking his records. And if he really has gone insane, locking him up would destroy Iruka.”_ _

__“First off, he asked to go back into ANBU,” Jiraiya pointed out. “And secondly, I think that Umino-san is a lot stronger than you realise. Although if it did destroy him, that would in turn destroy Naruto. And we both know what damage that would cause.”_ _

__“I feel like I’ve failed, Ji-ji,” Tsunade said quietly. “Sarutobi-sensei would be disappointed in me. Even if he does his best to ignore it, Kakashi has become somewhat of an icon in this village. The fact that he’s still alive and wandering around with his god-awful porn gives people hope.”_ _

__“My writing is not porn, it is good literature,” Jiraiya said indignantly. “And it is not god-awful.”_ _

__Tsunade rolled her eyes tiredly. “Is that all you heard? You’re a terrible friend.”_ _

__“Have another drink.” Jiraiya refilled her glass and handed it back to her. “Kakashi’s strong too, he can get through this. There’s no point thinking about it at all until he wakes up, because we don’t know what’s happened.”_ _

__Tsunade sculled the drink given to her and held out her glass for a refill. “I always suspected he’d end up this way, you know. When he was a little kid, watching him shed everything that made him human.” She shook her head, and took a large gulp out of her newly filled glass. “I never expected him to be able to get into a relationship, though. It’s amazing how protective Iruka is of him. Loyal as hell.”_ _

__“Naruto has that kind of loyalty for Iruka,” Jiraiya said thoughtfully._ _

__Tsunade nodded. “He seems to instil that loyalty in everyone. I guess it makes sense that he’d have the same kind of feeling for the people he cares about.” She downed the rest of her drink and yawned._ _

__“Would you like me to find that futon?” Jiraiya suggested. “It would probably a good idea to get a bit of sleep tonight. I can see tomorrow being pretty hectic.”_ _

__Tsunade shook her head. “Don’t bother. I’m sleeping in your bed.”_ _

__“I’m not going to be the one sleeping on the floor,” Jiraiya protested. “Hokage or not, this is my apartment. You gave up your bed of your own free will.”_ _

__“Stupid old man,” Tsunade muttered. “You don’t have to sleep on the floor. I’m sure your bed is big enough for two.”_ _

__Jiraiya gaped at her. Tsunade tapped her foot impatiently, cheeks pinkening slightly. “Come on, you can’t be that surprised. You had to know it would happen sooner or later, and you wouldn’t have invited me back here if you didn’t think you had a chance.”_ _

__When the white-haired sannin didn’t answer she reddened further. “I guess I was wrong. I’ll… just sleep on your sofa then.”_ _

__“No!” Jiraiya broke out from his trance abruptly. “That would be bad for your back. Sleeping in a bed is much better for you.”_ _

__Tsunade stood stiffly, feeling slightly awkward and with no idea where to go from there._ _

__Jiraiya hurriedly pushed away from the table, grabbing her wrist and pulling her toward the bedroom. Tsunade snorted a tired laugh upon seeing the state of the room. “True bachelor, huh? You haven’t been back for very long.” She gestured toward the piles of paper, a variety of unsoiled and screwed up, strewn across the bed, desk and floor._ _

__“Eh, heh heh.” Jiraiya scratched the back of his head awkwardly in an alarmingly Naruto-esque way. “Well, I’ve been trying to come up with the next in my series while that blond-haired brat is out of the way disturbing other people’s peace. It’s hard to write when he’s always hanging over my shoulder screaming ‘Training! Ramen! Training! Ramen!’ until he’s speaking so fast it sounds like he’s asking for Traimen.”_ _

__Tsunade smiled fondly at him, remembering the first time she had met the boy and how much he had reminded her of her brother Nawaki with his thick-headed, brusque mannerisms and his unshakable belief in himself. “He will be Hokage, one day,” she said softly, sweeping papers off the bed and perching cautiously on the edge of it. “I hope I’ll be alive to see it.”_ _

__“He’s got a fair way to go before he gets there, though,” Jiraiya agreed, placing a quick hand on her shoulder before moving to collect the rest of the paper on the bed and moving the stack to his desk. “But he definitely will get there.”_ _

__Tsunade yawned, and rubbed at her eyes. “What of Kakashi? Sandaime always had him lined up as a replacement if all else failed. If he breaks, who would replace me? We’re getting old, Jiraiya.”_ _

__Jiraiya reached down and brushed her hair behind her ear, and was almost surprised when he didn’t end up through the nearest wall for the daring touch. “Don’t think about that until you’re certain what’s happening. There’s nothing we can do for now.” He sat down heavily on the bed beside her. “And besides, he’s not really cut out for office work. The poor brat would hate it, he’s a soldier through and through. He doesn’t know anything but being a shinobi.”_ _

__Tsunade cracked a smile. “Don’t say that too loudly, Iruka-sensei yelled at me the other day for suggesting that the brat doesn’t know anything except for being a shinobi. Apparently ‘if he wants to bake, he can damn well bake’.”_ _

__Jiraiya snorted. “He’s fiery for a chūnin, isn’t he? It’s good, Kakashi needs someone who can keep him in line.”_ _

__“Someone who also has a big heart,” Tsunade added, smiling softly._ _

__Jiraiya stared down at his hands and thought about how his young charge never failed to add ‘Iruka-sensei taught me how to do this,’ or ‘Iruka-sensei says that you shouldn’t do that’ into every conversation. The kind-hearted chūnin seemed to count both as his first sensei and his first friend. “Yes, he definitely has that,” he agreed._ _

__“Ji-ji,” Tsunade said quietly, leaning into him so he caught a whiff of the scent that was distinctly her, a mixture of herbs and something strong – liquorice, perhaps. “You have a big heart too, even though you hide it underneath your pervy words and insincere smiles.”_ _

__“Well, it’s debatable whether I have a big heart. But what’s not debatable is that you have big breasts,” Jiraiya said, hoping to deflect the attention away from himself and stiffening in preparation for the forthcoming punch._ _

__None came. Instead, Tsunade just heaved a sigh that ended in a yawn. “You never change, do you? Well, whatever. I’m going to bed now. Whether you come or not is up to you.” She clambered around behind him on the bed and slid under the covers fully clothed._ _

__Jiraiya didn’t even have to think to make a decision, slipping off his jacket and his hitai-ate and crawling in beside her. Tsunade half-turned to face him and her breasts pressed up against his chest, making his breathing quicken slightly. She gave another yawn, a breath of air that escaped her and drifted across his lips. “You’re not that bad, Ji-ji. You wouldn’t have made a bad Hokage, you know,” she said sleepily._ _

__He curled an arm around her waist, not quite daring to believe that this was real, and drew her closer to him, his chin resting on her forehead. She sighed and nestled her head into the crook of his shoulder, dropping off to sleep almost immediately. Jiraiya stayed awake for a long time afterwards, concentrating solely on hearing and feeling the steady beat of her heart against his chest._ _

__

___Thirty-five hours, forty-eight minutes and twenty-seven seconds._ That was how long Kakashi had been asleep for. _Twenty-nine seconds. Thirty.__ _

__Iruka felt uncomfortable staying in the Hokage’s private lodging, but she said she didn’t want to move Kakashi to the hospital as he wasn’t really injured physically and didn’t need medical help. She’d also told him not to worry about her as she had a nicer place to stay and then glanced at Jiraiya, blushing faintly. _Forty-five seconds.__ _

__He was terrified that Kakashi would never wake up, and he was afraid that maybe this was his fault. If he’d noticed sooner, if he’d tried harder to make his lover listen to him, if he’d been stronger – his mind was crowded by What If’s. He couldn’t help but feel that this never would have happened if he’d shut off his feelings and never asked the jōnin to date him in the first place. _Fifty.__ _

__But after having a taste of it he couldn’t go back to life without the jōnin, not happily anyway. The only person Iruka could remember ever having as much love for him as Kakashi did was his mother. The man may not think he was good at dating but just the fact that he was trying made Iruka melt inside._ _

__Naruto loved him as well, of that Iruka was sure, but it was a different kind of love. Without realising it the jinchūriki mainly took from Iruka, without giving back. He took ramen, company, friendship, advice and everything else he could get his hands on without once realising that Iruka may need the favour to be returned someday. A small smile tipped at the corners of the chūnin’s lips. He didn’t mind Naruto’s love, just seeing the boy reach his dreams and be accepted was enough, but sometimes he ached for just a little more._ _

__And Kakashi had given him that. The moment the jōnin had said those three pretty little words to him he’d unwittingly given Iruka the last thing he needed to fill that gaping hole in his chest. If it were not for Hound – and Iruka didn’t want to think about his brand of taking at all – he had no doubt that Kakashi would have given his whole self over to him, because that was the sort of man he was._ _

___Forty-nine minutes and two seconds._ Kakashi was cute, venturing into the unknown territory of dating, and Iruka had the feeling that he’d had to physically force himself to stop watching over what he deemed ‘his chūnin’ at times. The jōnin had shadowed him for weeks, either to watch over him in protection or as a weird attempt to get to know him better. Iruka hadn’t said anything because he figured Kakashi would get embarrassed if he knew he was aware of his odd habit, and Kakashi eventually toned it down by himself. _Fourteen seconds.__ _

__It was sometime after the first time they’d made love that he’d stopped being so vigilant in his stalking, actually. Iruka blushed warmly at the words his own mind picked for him, and wondered why the hell he was embarrassed. It wasn’t as if anyone was around, and he hadn’t even said it out loud. Still… he took his eyes off the clock for a second to glance at his still sleeping lover. Kakashi would never describe it that way. He didn’t ‘make love,’ he ‘had sex’ - just in case the word ‘love’ was taken out of context. Iruka smiled wryly. He figured since Kakashi had said those three words he could say it now, but even if it wasn’t allowed verbally Kakashi would always be his lover in his thoughts. _Twenty-eight seconds.__ _

__It was an idiotic thing to wish for things to be ‘normal’ – they were ninja, after all, and Iruka was fairly sure Kakashi had never been anywhere near what the average person would refer to as normal – but that was all Iruka wanted. To not be able to feel claws digging into his hips every time he entered his classroom, to not be wary of every unknown person he passed on the street, to want to get up and out of bed when he woke in the mornings. And most of all he wanted Kakashi there with him through everything, a Kakashi who didn’t get nightmares or run off scared at the first sign of something going wrong. _Thirty-two seconds.__ _

__Iruka reached over and pushed the hair back out of his lover’s face, revelling in how soft it felt. “I love you, ‘Kashi. I hope you wake up soon.”  
 _Thirty-five hours, forty-nine minutes, thirty-eight seconds._ Kakashi’s eyelid twitched. Iruka held his breath, crawling forward on the bed and lying down so his face was inches from the jōnin’s. “Kashi?” he whispered, and the jōnin muttered something unintelligible, his face contracting into a frown._ _

___Forty-one seconds._ An emotion just barely on the brink of joy was bubbling inside Iruka and he fought to keep it down. There was no point getting his hopes up over something so trivial, because it really didn’t mean anything. “Please, Kakashi, open your eyes,” he breathed._ _

__Kakashi opened his eyes. Iruka let the bubble of happiness escape just for a second before it was quashed down again. Kakashi was staring through him, his right eye blank and his left turning slowly._ _

__“’Kashi?” Iruka said quietly, and both eyes sluggishly drew in to focus on him. After a moments silence the sharingan started spinning faster, and both eyes widened._ _

__“Get out,” Kakashi hissed._ _

__Iruka pulled back abruptly, stunned and more than a little hurt. “Kakashi?”_ _

“Get _out,_ Iruka.” This time it was screamed. Iruka didn’t think he could remember ever hearing Kakashi raise his voice. He’d seen him upset, yes, and he’d seen him mad. But never had he seen him yell like that. 

__Kakashi clutched at his head, tearing at his hair, the sharingan watching the chūnin through his splayed fingers. “Go, ‘Ruka. Please.” His voice broke._ _

__Iruka did as he was told, if only because he couldn’t stand to hear that horrifying pleading note in Kakashi’s voice. He sunk against the door as he closed it behind himself, mindless, and was not at all surprised to see an ANBU standing over him when he looked up. Gods, how he hated those masks. He let out a slightly unhinged laugh. “He woke up. You should probably get Tsunade-sama.”_ _

__The ANBU eyed him for a few seconds and then disappeared. Iruka let his head drop onto his chest and closed his eyes. _Maybe I am as worthless as I first thought._ He didn’t try to stop it as the first tear rolled its way down his face to pop on his thigh._ _


	27. Chapter 27

It was hard to say who was more embarrassed, the ANBU who had unwittingly transported directly into Jiraiya’s bedroom or the two half naked sannin on the bed. The only telling sign was a slight flush spreading from Tsunade’s cheeks down to her breasts and the way the ANBU was holding himself as still as possible, afraid – or unable - to move. Jiraiya just looked amused.

“Out,” Tsunade hissed, remembering herself. “I’ll be out in less that a minute.”

The ANBU nodded stiffly. “Hai, Hokage-sama.”

When he was gone Tsunade took one look at Jiraiya’s grinning face and slapped him. He rubbed at his cheek woefully. “What did you do that for?” he grumbled.

“You enjoyed that, you pervert,” she growled, and hopped off the bed to figure out where her shirt was gone. Jiraiya followed her movements with his eyes, gaze drifting down the curve of her back to her perfectly rounded buttocks until she turned around and glared at him. “Put some clothes on, dammit. You need to come too.”

“Eh?” Jiraiya stretched his arms above his head, his back cracking. “I’m not the Hokage. I don’t need to go anywhere.”

“But I am, and because I’m your Hokage you need to do as I say,” Tsunade said flatly as she reached for her coat, not sparing him a glance.

Jiraiya chuckled and slipped a mesh shirt over his head. “Are you always so bossy towards the men you sleep with?”

He knew he deserved the fist to the face for that one, but he didn’t think she had to hit him quite so hard. It was going to cost quite a bit to repair that dent in the wall. Oh well, he’d just have to trick Naruto into sharing what was in that frog purse of his again. If the boy was dumb enough to fall for it then he deserved to have him money stolen. It was all part of his training, really.

He barely had time to grab his shirt before Tsunade was pulling him out the door. “Hokage-sama,” the ANBU said. “It seems that Hatake Kakashi has woken up.”

Tsunade nodded. “Thank you. You are dismissed.”

The ANBU bowed slightly in return and disappeared. Tsunade turned to her white haired bed partner. “Are you ready for this?”

Jiraiya squeezed her hand. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

 

Iruka bit his lip, almost drawing blood. He was cold and his butt was starting to go numb from sitting on the floor but it was a distant feeling, and he really couldn’t care less about it. He couldn’t see them, but he knew there were ANBU watching him, cataloguing every twitch he made to submit in some sort of detailed report later. He could sense the rippling displacement of air that came from supressing huge amounts of chakra coming from three directions and even though logically he knew they weren’t all focused on him and wouldn’t hurt him it still made him edgy.

It was the masks, mostly.They weren't visible but he knew they were there, hiding the faces of the deadliest weapons of Konoha. The red stripes and whorls reminded him of watching the blood spiral down the drain as he scrubbed hard at Kakashi’s armour. And that’s what it came down to, really. That’s what everything came down to. Kakashi.

But not just Kakashi, if he was honest with himself. Hound too, the man with the mask whose mere presence made him feel pathetically weak and as helpless as a newborn. Somewhere along the line, perhaps even from the very beginning, he’d started counting Kakashi and Hound as different people, almost as if they were dissimilar twins rather than facets of the same person. He wouldn’t say he hated Hound, because he’d never stoop to hate anyone, but he did have a healthy fear of him.

And as for Kakashi, well, to a certain extent Iruka pitied him, although he would never let the prideful jōnin know that. How he felt about what Hound did to him was on a whole other level to how Kakashi must feel knowing and living through what he had done by no choice of his own. While Iruka was dealing with physical pain, which faded, and emotional pain, which lasted a little longer, Kakashi had to deal with the fact that there was a part of him that was a complete monster. He had to deal with the fact that he’d done terrible things that he had no control over and didn’t remember. He’d hurt the person he cared for the most.

Iruka didn’t even want to think about what kind of horror Kakashi had had to live through to necessitate creating Hound in the first place. And now Kakashi had ascended to just out of his reach, to a place where he didn’t want Iruka to follow him. He gripped his knees tightly, his nails biting through his pants to make half moon marks on his skin. _He shouldn’t have to do this alone. I shouldn’t have to do this alone._

“Iruka!” He looked up upon hearing the voice of his Hokage, the reaction too ingrained to resist. She was hurrying towards him, coat flying out behind her, with Jiraiya following sedately behind. “Why are you out here?”

He didn’t even bother trying to wipe the misery off his face. “He told me to get out.”

Tsunade looked furious. “I’ll kill that brat!”

Jiraiya clamped a hand down on her shoulder. “No.”

She whirled on him, eyes ablaze. “What do you mean, no?”

“I mean no,” Jiraiya said patiently. “Don’t say anything until you figure out what’s wrong with him. Keep your emotions under control, Tsu-chan. You don’t want to make things worse.” He sent a wave of calming chakra through the hand on her shoulder and she relaxed slightly.

Tsunade took a deep breath and then let it out in a gusty sigh. “Alright.” Almost tenderly she slipped her coat off her shoulders and wrapped it around Iruka. “You’re going to catch a cold if you don’t take care of yourself,” she scolded, but there was no heat in it.

Iruka didn’t move. Jiraiya transferred his hand from Tsunade’s shoulder to the chūnin’s and smiled down at him. “Just wait here for a bit, we’ll see if we can get him to come around. He thinks a lot of you, you know.”

“I know.” Iruka’s voice came out much too small but it was enough for the sannin, who exchanged a hooded look before moving towards the closed door of the Hokage’s chambers.

 

Kakashi thought that if things kept going the way they were now his brain would explode. The sharingan was whirling constantly, even when he covered his eyes, and even though it wasn’t taking any new data in it was sapping his chakra and making him feel more useless than any opponent had before. Instead of taking in data for some reason it was replaying what was already recorded, everything he’d done that he had never seen before.

When he’d slept he’d drifted through memories; memories of bloodbaths, of assassinations, of killing witnesses just because they had the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. The worst were the civilians. Even if they were thugs or otherwise nasty criminals there was something eerily disturbing about killing someone you know has no chance to protect themselves from you. Shinobi who attacked him were marginally better; at least then he had a point from which he could justify the spilling of blood.

The sharingan didn’t remember finding his father in a pool of his own blood or Obito being crushed, but Hound did. Kakashi had known these things had happened, of course, but he hadn’t realised how much he’d supressed the memories via Hound. Apparently his genius mind had done a pretty good job itself in recording in fine detail and with piercing clarity the worst moments of his young life. And then the sharingan did its best to enhance those images.

However, his mind’s favourite subject was Iruka. He’d seen his chūnin’s stricken face in the moment before he’d blacked out, seen that he was still causing pain unintentionally. Before he could think much of it his world had dissolved into bright lights and harsh sounds that made him want to cover his ears. And then he found himself back on the bed, thrusting into an unwilling Iruka who was begging him to stop but he couldn’t, he couldn’t stop until the memory ended, and all he could do was whisper over and over that it would all be over soon.

But it wasn’t. It didn’t end. He just kept jerking his hips back and forward and eventually Iruka stopped struggling, merely lying back and taking it with his eyes squeezed shut and his hands limply at his sides. Kakashi wished he could close his eyes too, but he supposed this was his punishment and his eyes stayed open wide, capturing without wanting to the way that silent tears clung to his chūnin’s thick black lashes and the way he secured his bottom lip inside his mouth with his teeth to keep from crying out, the skin almost breaking.

Kakashi wanted to kiss the tears away, to cuddle his chūnin, to hold him in his arms until the shaking stopped and Iruka fell asleep on his shoulder. But he didn’t, he couldn’t, and tears he wasn’t aware of were tracking their way down his own face, disappearing in mid-air before they could splatter onto the tanned stomach underneath him. He’d never felt so helpless or out of control.

What was perhaps the worst was the way he could feel everything as if it was really happening. His own sharingan had placed him under a genjutsu of sorts, forcing him to relive a moment but stretching it and making it timeless, making Iruka hurt for longer. And if there was one thing the sharingan was good at it was making pain believable. 

Kakashi had no doubt that Iruka was in pain. He was starting to mix up Iruka’s because the one underneath him felt so real, looked so real, but couldn’t be. He was just a memory, but even if his pain was induced by Kakashi’s mind the real Iruka’s pain was not, and he assumed them to be one and the same.  
He realised just how much pain it must be when he started feeling less resistance, his cock sliding more easily into Iruka’s abused ass. He knew without looking down that it wasn’t because he had adapted, stretching to accommodate Kakashi’s girth more comfortably, and it made him nauseous. Iruka was kindly providing him with blood as lubricant.

Genjutsu Iruka gave a gasp that may have held words, the edges jagged and splintering as the sound left his mouth. Kakashi’s hands were trembling and he snapped them into fists. Iruka opened his eyes for the first time and the fact that the emotion in the watery brown was not hate or fear but open, honest trust almost made him come undone. But it was the small, broken smile and the whispered words “I love you,” that rained down on him like broken glass that finally caused him to unravel.

Breaking free of the genjutsu was almost like drowning, like he was swimming as hard and as fast as he could to try and reach the surface but never quite reaching it, until he did, crashing through it suddenly and taking in huge mouthfuls of air, gulping it down greedily. He was swimming through blood, the blood of the people he’d killed, their hands dragging him down, wanting to take him with them to his own personal hell for the agony he’d caused so many people. He’d thought he deserved it and had been almost about to submit to his fate and let himself drown in memories but it was Iruka’s hand reaching down to pull him out, and he would not fail his chūnin again. 

He opened his eyes into light, blinding light that burned at his retinas. He wondered if maybe this was what heaven was like and if he was staring at the eyes of Kami before realising that with the things he’d done he’d be going straight downwards when he died. He blinked a few times and his vision cleared slightly. Iruka? Well, if Iruka was there maybe the heaven thing was plausible. His chūnin’s presence made him feel a lot calmer, although he lost that when he realised that as far as he could see, Iruka wasn’t clothed.

Kakashi panicked. What had he done? Was the genjutsu really not a dream and he’d done that again for real? The sharingan whirled, supplying him with image after image of Iruka naked, Iruka helpless, Iruka tied up, Iruka crying, Iruka bleeding to burn into his brain.  
“Get out,” he whispered, and the shocked, hurt expression on his chūnin’s face made his heart shatter into a million pieces. “Get out, Iruka.” He screamed it, he couldn’t stop himself. The images were too much, too much. He was a liability, to Iruka, to the village. All he ever did was cause pain and suffering. He almost sobbed. “Go, ‘Ruka, now.” His voice was pleading.

He was suffocating in his own desire for Iruka to leave, to get away to a place that was safe. Any place, just so long as Iruka was out of his reach. The chūnin stumbled backwards, throwing him that hurt look and something else Kakashi couldn’t decipher. In any other situation he would have done his best to try and wheedle out what that emotion was but as things stood he had more important things to worry about. The fact that Iruka was wearing pants was an enormous relief to him, but the fact that he was tripping over them in his hurry to leave brought home just how much of a monster he really was.

As the door slid shut behind his lover Kakashi broke. The sharingan showered him with pictures of Iruka, some from memories and some fabricated simply to torture him. He collapsed in on himself, curling up in a ball and clutching his knees to his chest protectively. Tears were leaking quietly from both his eyes and they didn’t stop like they usually did, instead flowing faster, harder, until he was sobbing, hiccupping, shuddering in grief. 

It was like a dam inside him had broken, but he no longer felt weak for crying. He cried for Iruka, his body spasming uncontrollably, for the terrible hurt he had inflicted on the younger man. He cried for his father, for not having faith in him and trying so hard to be stronger than someone at his eight years of age should ever have to be. He cried for his mother, a woman whom he barely remembered but one his father had held in high regard. He cried for Obito who was too brave, who should have been the one to live. He cried for his Sensei, who had put doing the right thing and placed his village in front of his own life. He cried for Rin, who’d left him just as everybody else had. And he cried for himself, for the little silver-haired child who never had a friend and told himself over and over that he didn’t need any until he started to believe it.

The sudden weight of a hand on his shoulder made him snap, two decades of shinobi training stopping his emotions from getting in the way of defending himself. Without weapons he simply flipped onto his back, using the movement to aid in ploughing his fist into the stomach of the person who’d dared to touch him while he was in such a state. He was on his feet seconds later, balancing precariously on the bed in a defensive stance.

“Shit, brat, is that any way to treat the person who’s trying to help you out?” Tsunade groused.

Kakashi blinked owlishly at her and dragged a fist across his eyes in a half-hearted attempt to get rid of any evidence of tears. He glanced at his hand, surprised to see it was bandaged. “Eh?” he said intelligently.

Tsunade sighed, and Jiraiya just stared at him. Something must be serious, he realised, for the old pervert to not be cracking any jokes about Tsunade getting beaten up by an invalid, or his own apparent incompetence. 

The instant reaction to protect himself had cleared away the memories for a bit, but they were coming back. He shook his head to try and clear them, clutching at his hair with the hand that wasn’t bandaged. The injured one felt fine, but he wasn’t going to trust it again until he knew why it was wrapped up. Maybe he’d got some terrible case of gangrene and he could no longer feel his fingers. He wiggled them just in case, and almost breathed a sigh in relief when he felt them move.

The memory hit him unexpectedly at full-force, making him fall back onto the bed, his eyes wide and unseeing. 

_Kakashi is young, and he knows this because he’s a lot closer to the ground in the memory than he is in real life. It’s autumn, and the orange-gold glow of the maples around him is beautiful, but he doesn’t even notice it. The leaves crunching under his feet are spared no more than a glance; Kakashi couldn’t care less about how un-ninja-like it is to make so much noise while walking, he’s too excited. Not that you can see it in his face though._

_He’s wearing a mask, a couple of them actually. One is made of fabric and stretches across the bottom half of his face, covering his nose. He’s been wearing masks like this since he was five years old and was teased by the older, jealous genin that he was too emotional. The other mask is a blank stare he practices in front of the mirror each morning. He’s eight now, and wiser. He knows that if an enemy gets close enough to him his mask won’t help and he’ll need to rely on how well he can school his face._

_He’s excited now because he’s just been on his first solo B-ranked mission. Minato-sensei had been against it, but Sandaime had agreed anyway, as it was just a simple scroll delivery. Kakashi doesn’t intend to tell his father that detail, but he probably already knows anyway._

_He knows that everybody hates his father because his father went against the shinobi code on something. He hasn’t been told what, and people don’t talk to him about it. He thinks that this means he should hate his father too, because the villagers’ dislike of Hatake Sakumo spread quickly to include his so-talented-it’s-scary son. Kakashi’s never really had friends, so he doesn’t see what difference it makes._

_He’s annoyed at his father for breaking the rules, because every shinobi knows that the completion of the mission comes before everything else. Despite this, he still can’t wait to tell Sakumo about completing his mission. He is his father after all, and the only other person he can go and tell is Minato-sensei, and sensei didn’t want him to go in the first place._

_He slides open the door and steps inside quietly, shucking off his shoes with minimal noise. It’s a game they play, or used to when Kakashi was younger. He’d return home and see how far he could get into the house without his father realising he was back. He’s never made it further than the far side of the living room._

_There’s something strange about the silence in the house. It’s more often than not quiet, but rarely this… lifeless. Kakashi thinks his father is probably meditating, and tosses up whether or not it is a good idea to disturb him. He figures it will be good training if he manages to sit quiet through the remainder of the meditation session without blurting out his success._

_His father is exactly where he thinks he’ll be, in the dojo. There’s something odd about the way he’s sitting though. He’s always telling Kakashi he’s not allowed to slouch or sit with his back curved in that way because it creates bad posture and messes with your spine. Kakashi suddenly had a bad feeling in his gut, like he’s eaten something rotten. Nothing is right about this. The windows are all closed, when they should be open so that the air circulates properly whenever anybody is training in this room, even if it’s just for meditation._

_Kakashi inches around the edge of the room until he’s in front of his father. He stares with wide, disbelieving eyes, and then turns around and vomits everything he’s eaten in the last two days. His father has been dead for a while, the only thing holding him in a sitting position the way the handle of the blade sticking through his ribs is angled against the floor. His pants have been soaked through with blood and are now stiffening on his thighs, the red staining his bandaged feet and the tatami mat beneath him._

_When Kakashi has nothing left in his stomach he creeps forward, needing to make sure. He’s seen dead bodies before, he has even created them, but none of that has prepared him for seeing his father’s lifeless eyes gaze at him as if in accusation for not standing by his side when everyone else had deserted him. He reaches out to touch a cold shoulder_

and somebody smacks him in the face. Kakashi shuddered out of the memory almost painfully, gasping for breath. He’s glad, because he knew what was going to happen next and he didn’t want to remember it. “That’s it, brat, keep focused,” Tsunade said almost grumpily. “You almost blacked out there. What’s wrong with you?”

Kakashi ignored her and stared at Jiraiya instead. The sharingan started turning again and he clamped his eye shut. “You need to fight me,” he said flatly.

Jiraiya looked at him in surprise. “Kid, as far as I’m aware that eye of yours has been draining your chakra for the past day and a half. Can you even get out of bed, let alone fight?”

Kakashi gritted his teeth. “I don’t have a choice.” The memories were trying to draw him back in and the only time he’d been able to wipe them from his mind successfully was when he was acting on instinct to protect himself. He slithered off the side of the bed and tested his weight on wobbly feet. He could do it, because he had to. Giving up would make him second to Naruto and he wasn’t going to lose to that blond brat even if he was Minato’s kid. 

Jiraiya shrugged and dropped into a fighting stance. He didn’t understand why he needed to do it, but he figured Kakashi was smart enough to know what he was talking about. He was a genius, after all. Kakashi threw a lazy punch at his head that he dodged, reflexively shooting out an arm and slamming the younger man into the wall. Kakashi slumped on the ground, holding his head. “I guess it made me too dizzy,” he muttered.

Jiraiya chuckled, rubbing the back of his head in an embarrassed fashion. “Sorry Kakashi. I guess I don’t know my own strength.”

Tsunade scowled at the man on the floor. “Why the fighting? You should still be in bed, baka. And why kick your lover out? I don’t actually think that man is capable of doing anything wrong.”

Kakashi stared at the floor between his feet miserably. “Iruka… he didn’t do anything wrong.” He almost wanted to cry again. “I just see his face and I’m swarmed by memories of what I’ve done to him… I’d rather see my father killed a thousand times over than watch myself rape him again.”

He ran his shaking fingers through his hair, trying to get a grip on reality. “The memories, they don’t stop. Everything I’ve done as Hound. I can’t – I thought that if my mind needed to be clear to protect myself they’d stop for a while, but,” Kakashi laughed weakly, “Apparently physical pain works just as well.”

“So essentially the wall that separates the Kakashi part of you from the Hound part has dissolved somehow,” Jiraiya mused.

“I guess?” Kakashi rested his head against the wall, suddenly feeling a lot older and very tired. “I don’t know. I just – could you apologise to him for me? Tell Iruka I’m sorry.”

“Why don’t you tell him yourself?” Tsunade asked, one eyebrow raised.

“I can’t. He’s… I can’t look at him right now.”

Tsunade gazed at him contemplatively for a while and then made a few hand seals. The same ANBU she’d seen earlier appeared in front of her, bowing. 

“Hokage-sama.”

“Yamato, I want you to find Shiranui and ask him if he and Namiashi will take care of Iruka for a few days. You’ll probably find him distracting hard-working nin in the mission room, that baka.”

Kakashi lifted himself off the ground with difficulty and lurched forward to grip the ANBU’s arm tightly. “Tenzō, tell him I’m sorry.”

The ANBU turned his head and blinked at him. “Genma-san?”

Kakashi shook his head, an unexplainable anger churning low in his stomach at the thought of Iruka staying with that man. “Iruka.”

Yamato studied him carefully. He’d never seen Kakashi this distraught. He looked like he’d been crying, for Kami’s sake. He tilted his head affirmatively. “But Sempai, you’re going to explain all of this to me when it’s over.”

Kakashi nodded wearily. “Anything.” The memories were sneaking up on him again and he didn’t have the strength to ward them off. He turned to Tsunade. “Any chance you could knock me out while you decide what to do with me?”

Tsunade nodded. “Go, Yamato,” she ordered, and then turned around to dig two senbon out of the top drawer of her dresser. She flicked them towards Kakashi almost casually, but watched carefully to see that they bit into the right part of the jōnin’s neck. He sunk into the blissfully empty darkness with a smile on his face.

 

o0o Omake o0o

“He never,” *hic* “He never tells me anything,” the jōnin grumbled, nursing his drink mournfully between his hands.

Asuma patted him on the back consolingly. “If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t know he was dating Iruka-sensei either.” He tipped back his bottle and swallowed the last of his beer in one gulp.

“Thatch not it,” Yamato moaned. “I didn’t even know he was gay. Aren’t you supposta tell stuff like that to your kohai?”

“Kakashi-san is a pretty private person,” Asuma pointed out, signalling the bartender for another beer. “I don’t think many people did know that.”

“But he asks me stuff like that all the time,” Yamato groused, rocking his bottle like a baby. Asuma wondered if the man had parental issues. Yamato pulled the collar of his shirt up over his nose, covered his left eye with one hand and adopted a whiny tone. “Maa, Tenzō, how many girls have you slept with? How often do you masturbate? When did you first have a wet dream? If you were a girl for the day, what would you do?” He glared grouchily at his bottle. “And whenever I ask him anything he changes the subject or starts reading that pervy book of his.”

Asuma laughed. “You mean you actually answer questions like that? He probably only does it to piss you off.”

Yamato scowled. “Kaka-sempai always starts off with innocent questions so I don’t even think about what I’m answering by the time he gets to that point.”

Asuma shook his head, unable to keep himself from smiling. “I don’t know why you’d ever trust Kakashi-san. He’s a pervert.”

Yamato’s cheeks turned a cherry colour at the word ‘pervert’. “That wasn’t even the worst thing that happened to me today,” he admitted, depressed.

“Oh yeah?” Asuma stared at him in interest.

“I saw Tsunade-sama and Jiraiya-sama. In bed. Together.” He shuddered. “Her breasts are like – are like – some kind of wild animal. They’re everywhere and huge and – and I’m going to have nightmares for a very long time.”

He started shivering uncontrollably. Asuma patted him on the back but said nothing. There was nothing that could be said that would go even partway to fixing the mental scars caused by seeing that particular scene. He was just glad it hadn’t been him that saw it.


	28. Chapter 28

“Hey, hey, up you get.”

Iruka fought the arms trying to lift him before realising he couldn’t move his own arms because they’d put him in a straightjacket. He struggled harder.

“Shit, Iruka, calm down. I’m not here to kill you.”

His captor knew his name. Iruka stopped struggling and blinked his eyes blearily, staring up into the frowning face of Shiranui Genma. “Why are you trying to capture me?” he asked, tilting his head to one side in confusion.

“I’m not -” Genma sighed. “Look, wake up properly and then ask questions, okay?”

Iruka tried to rub his eyes and the movement reminded him that he couldn’t actually move his arms. He glanced down. Of all things, he was wrapped in the Hokage’s coat. _How did that happen? That’s right. Kakashi collapsed. And then he kicked me out._ He must have fallen asleep at some point. 

Iruka wiggled a bit. His butt felt completely numb. “Well, I guess I know why I’m here.” He glanced up and down the corridor. He couldn’t sense the ANBU anymore, and he didn’t know whether that made him feel better or worse. “But why are you here?”

“I’m taking you home with me,” Genma said simply.

Iruka blinked at him. “What?”

“Raidō and I are going to look after you while Tsunade-sama deals with your silver-haired pervert,” Genma explained. “Now, up up.” He made a rising motion with his hand.

Iruka scowled. “What makes you think I need to be looked after?”

Genma grinned. “Well, you were just sleeping sitting up on the floor in the hallway wearing only sleeping pants and Tsunade-sama’s coat. I’d say you’re not doing a very good job of looking after yourself right now.”

Iruka sighed and wriggled around a bit until he could free one hand from the coat to run his fingers through his hair. It was out of the usual ponytail, and knotty. He felt rather dirty. “I can look after myself, Genma-san,” he said pointedly. “I’ve been doing it since I was twelve.”

Genma reached down and ruffled his hair the way he ruffled Naruto’s. Iruka scrunched up his nose. It felt patronising. “Look, Iruka-sensei, I know you are perfectly capable of looking after yourself,” Genma conceded, “But there are a lot of people who are worried about you. Do me a favour and come stay with us for a while because Rai still feels guilty over what happened with that Zan guy, and he wants to make it up to you. I promise that he’ll do all the cooking.”

“What happened with Zan wasn’t your fault, or his, Genma,” Iruka said quietly. “And it doesn’t matter all that much anymore.”

Genma shrugged. “That’s not the point. Just let him mother you for a little while, okay? Then maybe he’ll stop babying me.”

Iruka cracked a half-smile. “You’re doing this for your own good, then?”

“What can I say, I’m a self-centred little bitch.” Genma smiled back and held out a hand. “You coming? I’m sure they’ll send someone as soon as they have any new information on Pervert Boy.”

Iruka grabbed his hand and allowed himself to be pulled up. “Don’t call him that,” he scolded. “He has a name, you know.”

“Whatever.” Genma strode off down the hall, still holding Iruka’s hand. “I’ll call him by his name when he deserves it.”

Iruka pulled the coat closer around his shoulders and followed meekly. It did sound rather good to live with those two and be fussed over by Raidō. He didn’t really want to go home by himself where memories of Kakashi hid in every corner, particularly when he had absolutely no idea of what was going on. At least Genma and Raidō always knew how to keep his mind distracted.

He’d almost forgotten he was holding Genma’s hand, and he squeezed it lightly. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

Genma grinned, rolling his senbon from the left side of his mouth to the right. “It’s no problem. We owe you anyway. And you have no idea how good it feels to steal you away from that pervy dog.”

“Genma,” Iruka said heatedly, attempting to yank his hand away, “Kakashi is not a ‘pervy dog’. Stop judging him.”

“Eh, sorry.” Genma shrugged his shoulders loosely. “I’ll try and refrain from insulting him while you’re around.”

Iruka ‘hmph’ed and they walked on in silence.

 

“Ji-ji, what do we do?” Tsunade was starting to look closer to her real age, the worry taking its toll on her jutsu.

Jiraiya frowned. “We’ll have to get Inoichi in to check out what’s going on in his head. Like I said before, I think that the wall keeping the Hound part of him separate has broken down. I can only assume that it’s because Kakashi’s been so upset about Iruka that he’s been subconsciously trying to get rid of the Hound persona. I guess it worked, because without the wall he shouldn’t lose control of his body, but he didn’t count on the memories.”

“And shinobi deal with what they’ve done when they’ve done it and break accordingly. Kakashi hasn’t ever had to recall his actions, so he’s never broken. Instead he now remembers everything he’s done in ANBU as well as everything that was too hard for him to deal with as a child, all at once,” Tsunade thought aloud.

“Exactly,” Jiraiya said grimly.

“What kind of choice do we really have then, to fix this?” Tsunade asked. If Kakashi went down she would lose more than just a good shinobi. He was an icon more than anything, and people tended to believe he was indestructible.

“We should refrain from making any kind of decision until Inoichi has a look at what’s going on.”

“Should we do it here, where he’s at least a little comfortable?”

Jiraiya shook his head. “We’ll take him to T and I headquarters. He’s probably too far gone to notice too much of his surroundings, and it’s best to be in a place where Ibiki feels comfortable doing whatever he has to do.”

 

It was mere minutes before the three shinobi had relocated to the basement of T and I, Kakashi strapped to a chair and restrained with chakra cuffs, his head lolling on his shoulder. Tsunade eyed the cuffs doubtfully. “He doesn’t have a lot of chakra left.”

“It’s mostly to ensure he doesn’t hurt himself,” Ibiki explained. “Inoichi’s jutsu can be quite invasive, and I’m not sure he’ll take it all that well. I don’t know if you’ve ever fought him before but a chakra-less Kakashi is still quite a formidable opponent.”

“I bet he is,” Tsunade murmured, and felt an intense wave of pity for the man in the chair. She’d been known as somewhat of a prodigy herself, but Jiraiya and Orochimaru had been in the same boat and they’d all been geniuses together. Kakashi had grown up by himself, alone and friendless in a sea of people who didn’t understand what it was like to be more intelligent and powerful than everybody else your age. Those the same age as you were afraid of you, and those older than you were impressed but wary, keeping their distance. He’d finally found something good in the form of a sweet academy teacher who accepted him for who he was, not what he was, and it seemed a hundred kinds of unfair that he might have to give him up. “How long will this take?”

“I’m not sure,” Inoichi said, coming up behind her. “What exactly are you asking me to do?”

“Just scout out his mind for now, see how it’s working, check how it’s partitioned. I have the feeling it’ll be quite jumbled at the moment so it might take a while to get through and sort everything out,” Ibiki said. “Do you need him awake, or is it better that he’s out cold?”

“He’s fine like this,” Inoichi said, taking a look at Kakashi. He’d always wondered what was going on in the awkward jōnin’s mind and he was almost excited to take a look. “Would you like me to start now?”

Tsunade nodded and took a step back. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Inoichi stepped forward, pulled a pen out of his pocket and quickly drew a seal on the floor in front of Kakashi’s chair, double-checking that he had everything right before stepping inside it. He then placed his hands on Kakashi’s head, closed his eyes and emptied his mind.

When he opened his eyes again he was standing inside a house that looked like it had been blown up from the inside. He could see patches of the sky through the holes in the roof. The ominous dark clouds were a blatant indicator of Kakashi’s current mood.

The room he was standing in was littered with rocks, some large and awkwardly shaped, some round smooth pebbles. They differed not only in size but in colour, shape, and appeal. He picked up a small rock that seemed to gleam, suggesting some precious type of jewel might hide inside it. To his surprise the rock dissolved in his hand and suddenly he wasn’t standing in the room anymore.

_He’s standing in a stream with his pants rolled up to his knees, standing as still as he can, his fingers dangling in the water. The stream is clear, sunlight bouncing off it merrily, and he can see all the pebbles around his chubby toes without even squinting. Fish swim languidly around him, indifferent to his presence. He moves his hands slowly up behind one as it swims past him – the biggest one, he only ever looks to be the best – and tickles it lightly behind its gills. The fish doesn’t seem to notice. Suddenly he grabs it and flicks it behind him onto the bank._

_A big hand ruffles his hair and he looks up and smiles. “Good job, ‘Kashi-kun,” his father says, and Kakashi splashes out of the water to collect his fish, glowing with the praise._

_“Am I a ninja yet?” he asks, stabbing the fish with a kunai just to make sure his first catch won’t be able to get away._

_Sakumo laughs and pulls the fish away from him, gutting it with experienced and steady hands. “Not yet, Kakashi. But you’ll be one soon enough. How about we stay out here tonight and cook your fish over a fire, hm? I’ll teach you how to find the herbs and mushrooms that are nice to have with it.”_

_He feels like he’s going to burst with happiness. It’s always good when his father has time to spend with him, and even better when he gets to learn new things that will help him become a great shinobi just like the legendary White Fang of Konoha._

Inoichi felt disorientated and slightly woozy as the rock-filled room slid back into view. What he’d just witnessed was a stronger memory than he’d ever read in anyone’s mind before, and he’d felt like he’d actually been four-year-old Kakashi barehanded fishing with his father. If he wasn’t here for such a serious mission he would have found it amusing that the great Copy-nin of Konoha had a head full of rocks.

_They’re memories. How interesting._ Over the years he had found that people stored everything they knew in different ways. Most people had libraries; rows upon rows of bookcases shelving the chronicles of their lives. Using rocks was a new arrangement to him, and he wondered how the classification system worked. Were the larger rocks longer memories, and the prettier rocks happier memories? For Kakashi’s sake he hoped not, because there were very few nice looking rocks in the room. He wandered out of the room, careful not to touch any more of the stones which were scattered about, and into the hallway. There were a few rocks scattered on the floor here, all pitch black and sharp edged. He was extremely wary of touching those.

The door of the next room was blown off its hinges and Inoichi peered into it curiously. It was empty save for a pile of small, pale grey pebbles in the corner. Picking his way cautiously into the room he bent down and touched one, his finger going through it. He was more prepared for the tumbling feeling this time, but it still felt a little strange as he was dragged into the memory.

_He’s sitting on a branch outside a window, watching four kids playing cards and drinking sake stolen from one or the others parents. He doesn’t know them, but he knows their names. Namiashi Raidō. Shiranui Genma. Yūhi Kurenai. Sarutobi Asuma. They’re around about his age, and he watches them to see how they relate to each other and compares it to how he acts around people to see what he’s doing wrong._

_Sarutobi takes a drag from a cigarette he’s pilfered from somewhere; coughs. Thinks it’ll make him look cool in the slightly older boys’ eyes. Genma slaps him on the back and laughs. “Smoking’s not the way to get the ladies.”_

_Kakashi leans forward. He wants to know how to get girls to like him, because mostly they run away. He’s embarrassed that he’s sixteen and never been kissed, never had a girlfriend. Genma, at eighteen, has done many things more than that and never hesitates to share._

_“You gotta be cool, man. You need to ooze sex appeal. Girls love a charmer.”_

_Kurenai giggles. “I’m sure your smooth talking goes over really well with the trailer trash you dig, Genma.”_

_“You don’t appreciate my suave style?”_

_Kurenai shakes her head, exasperated, and then gains a mischievous look. “Speaking of suave style, guess who tried to hit on Ayumi-chan the other day?”_

_Kakashi takes a step back._

_“Who?” Raidō sticks a straw in his drink and swirls it around, looking bored with the conversation._

_“Ha-Hatake Kakashi,” Kurenai says, barely able to keep a straight face. “And do you know what he said to her? ‘I wanted to know if you eat dinner. Would you consider eating it with me?’ And he tried to give her a wilted daisy. It was all she could do not to run away. He’s so scary.”_

_Everyone else at the table laughs. “Man, that kid is messed up,” Genma comments._

_“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to run into him on a dark night,” Asuma adds. “There’s something freaky about him.”_

_Kakashi slinks back into the shadows, turns, and bounds off back to the empty Hatake home. His heart feels heavy in his chest as he knows that he is forever going to be the one watching from the outside, in the cold, while others share warmth and laughter in the light. At least he’s found out one thing though._

_The way to get a date is to not be Kakashi._

Inoichi came out of the memory shaken. Being an average student all his life and depending on his clan’s bloodline limit to really get him anywhere he’d never considered what it might have been like for Kakashi growing up as a prodigy. Everyone his age was scared of him and those older were jealous. He didn’t even have any family to back him up.

He exited the room quickly, fearing that the rest of the pitiful pile of memories in this room would detail similar events. The next room looked a lot nicer. It had a large bay window that would allow a lot of sunlight in if Kakashi was having a good day and the sun was shining instead of the current stormy weather. The rocks in this room were more what he would call jewels than rocks, and he sighed in relief. He must have found Kakashi’s ‘happy place’, and he needn’t be so afraid to look into these memories. He pulled a tiny, opalescent jewel from the pile and waited for the tumble.

_He’s crouching on a desk, pretending to read a paper upside down but in reality he’s staring at the person holding it. Iruka has a pen sticking out from between his lips, a slight crease in his forehead to indicate a coming frown, and his hair is slipping in candyfloss wisps out of his hair-tie. Kakashi thinks he’s beautiful._

_“You know, Kakashi-sensei, you’re really not helping.” Iruka looks at him and gives him a slightly exasperated smile. “You’re actually making this harder.”_

_He doesn’t mind if Iruka’s not completely happy with him, it’s all he wants just to be close to the teacher who gives out his love so freely. So long as he’s not being physically pushed away he can live with being scolded. “Maa, I’m a morale booster,” he offers as explanation, even though it doesn’t make a lot of sense._

_Iruka half-snorts, half-laughs at him. “I don’t need more ‘morale’ to mark my students papers, Kakashi-sensei. I can manage quite fine on my own.”_

_He thinks about that, and wonders if it’s a nice way to tell him to get lost. Some of his indecision must show on his face because Iruka says, “Maybe I should just finish these later. Would you like to come get some ramen with me?”_

_Is it a date? He can’t tell, he’s never been good at understanding this kind of thing. He wants more than anything for it to be a date._

_Iruka blushes and casts his eyes down for a second, looking up again and directly into his uncovered eye with newly gathered confidence. “That is, as a date. I mean, if you wanted to of course. It doesn’t have to be but I’d like to get to know you better.”_

_Kakashi doesn’t know what to say. He’s been wanting this for a long time, never expecting it to happen. He stays crouched on the teacher’s desk, just staring at the beautiful prize it seems he’s just won._

_Iruka scratches his nose, attempting to hide the embarrassment spreading over his cheeks. “Oh. Don’t worry then, just forget I said anything.”_

_He yanks down his mask and slides off the desk into Iruka’s lap, claiming the chūnin’s lips as his own, finally, before he can change his mind. Iruka is warm and soft and exactly what Kakashi has always imagined he would taste like. He pulls back so he can study his prize once more and decides he likes Iruka a lot more when he’s been well kissed._

_Iruka trails his fingers over the newly uncovered skin of Kakashi’s jaw and breathes out gently. “Oh,” he says, smiling faintly. “Did no one ever tell you about the order in which you’re supposed to do things when you date someone?”_

“Can I have that one back? It’s a personal favourite of mine,” a lazy voice drawled and Inoichi startled out of the trance he’d been in. He shivered. He felt like he’d just kissed his daughter’s academy teacher. His daughter’s _male_ academy teacher. And, well, he hadn’t exactly hated it. Iruka was a surprisingly good kisser.

“I didn’t expect to find anyone in here,” he said dumbly.

“Maa, well, it is my mind,” Kakashi pointed out. “The stone?”

Inoichi handed over the small jewel and Kakashi slipped it into his pocket. “How come you’re not being sucked into the memory?” he asked, surprised.

Kakashi shrugged. “Tsunade-sama knocked me out, and I’m blessedly free from memories right now. It’s those ones that have been driving me crazy.” He pointed to a spiky black rook in the doorway. Inoichi could have sworn it hadn’t been there before.

“So is this where you store all your happy memories?” Inoichi asked, looking at the room stacked with colourful jewels with very few dull grey rocks in between.

“No,” Kakashi replied, “This is my ‘Ruka Room. The one you started off in is memories from my childhood, and the next one was my teenage years.”

“How come you have so few memories from when you were an adolescent?” Inoichi asked. That room bothered him more than he’d like to admit.

“When I was a teenager I was almost constantly on ANBU missions,” Kakashi said lightly. “And those memories were kept by Hound, so I didn’t have access to them. Would you like to see?”

“I suppose that’s what I’m here for,” Inoichi said uneasily. He didn’t want to accidentally touch any of the memories that were making Kakashi crazy.

“Ah, then you don’t have a choice.” Kakashi breezed past him out of the room and further down the corridor. Inoichi followed cautiously, careful to avoid any rocks. They stopped at the very end of the hallway, facing a large barred door with a series of padlocks on it. It would have looked impenetrable except for the fact that it had a large hole blasted through the middle of it. Through the hole Inoichi could see piles upon piles of the large, black spiky rocks stacked against the walls.

“This is Hound’s room,” Kakashi said. “Although I suppose now that the door has been opened he doesn’t really exist anymore. It holds all of my worst memories.”

“So you’d never seen any of those memories until that happened,” Inoichi said, gesturing to the hole in the door.

Kakashi nodded. “It’s a bit much to handle all at once.”

_And that’s the understatement of the year,_ Inoichi thought. “Your memories are incredibly sharp. Most people’s memories have fuzzy edges, details they can’t remember, particularly when they’re of being a young child, but yours seem to be in high relief. Do you know why that is?”

Kakashi leaned against the wall and ran a hand through his hair absentmindedly. “Well, the basis of it is that Hatake in general tend to be very observant and have good memories. Adding the sharingan to that fleshes them out, sometimes putting in little details that might not necessarily have been there but make sense to be there. Like in the first memory you stole I would have been focusing mostly on my father, so the sharingan adds in the trees that it knows should have been there but my mind didn’t record at that time.”

“Even though you didn’t possess the sharingan at that time?”

Kakashi nodded. “That’s right. The sharingan is mainly a genjutsu tool and so easily fabricates extra detail into my memories.”

Inoichi frowned. “So if you didn’t have the sharingan these memories wouldn’t be so painful for you?”

“I guess that’s right,” Kakashi said warily. “They’d be muted, almost, dulled. It’s still a lot of terrible memories to be bombarded with at once though, even without the sharingan enhancing them for me.”

“Okay.” Inoichi filed that fact away for later. It could come in handy. “So, why rocks?” He gestured to the mess around them. “Most people use books, you know.”

Kakashi shrugged. “I didn’t choose it, it just happened.” He walked away as he spoke, as if subconsciously putting space between himself and the barred door. “I don’t usually see my mind in this way but even when I do I can’t always tell what a memory contains before I’m in it.”

Inoichi peered into a room he hadn’t noticed before and was surprised to see that the rocks in this room were all set out neatly, rows upon rows of them. There was another door at the far end of the room, and he could only guess that there were rocks in that room ordered in the same way. “Why is this room different?” he asked.

“Because I don’t have any feeling towards these,” Kakashi said, shrugging. “Each one holds some piece of knowledge that I have, they’re not really memories. There are a lot of rooms like this, and they all follow on from here.” He nodded towards the far door.

Inoichi thought about Kakashi’s supposed knowledge of over a thousand jutsu and wondered just how many rooms there were. It would be a dangerous thing to get lost in Kakashi’s mind.

“Have you finished doing whatever you’re supposed to be doing yet?” Kakashi asked abruptly.

“Huh?”

“It feels like I’m going to wake up soon,” Kakashi explained. “And I really don’t think you want to be in here when that happens. You won’t be able to avoid slipping into my memories, and they won’t be particularly pleasant ones. Some of them are quite hard to get out of.”

“Oh.” Inoichi wondered how Kakashi had such a good idea of how his mind worked. Most people had no idea, and couldn’t control anything from inside their heads. “I guess I’ll take my leave then.”

Kakashi closed his eye in a parody of a smile and lifted a hand. “Ja ne.”

Five hand-seals later Inoichi was sitting on the floor in the T and I room, panting. Ibiki handed him a glass of water, which he gulped down greedily. Three pairs of eyes watched him eagerly. “So?” Tsunade said eventually, unable to be patient. “What should we do?”

Inoichi took a deep breath in, then let it out slowly. “From what I can see we have three choices,” he said grimly, “And none of them are particularly good.”

“What are they?” Tsunade demanded.

“First, we could remove the worst memories from his mind. I have a mind altering jutsu, but it’s extremely dangerous and he might end up losing more memories than he wants to, or he could even end up brain dead.”

Ibiki frowned. “That jutsu is forbidden for a reason, Inoichi.”

Inoichi nodded. “I know. It’s also dangerous for me to cast it. The second option is to remove the sharingan. It won’t remove the memories but it will mute them and may make it easier for him to ignore them. That’s just an educated guess on my part, though.”

Tsunade scowled. “What sort of a ninja can perform his duties with only one eye?”

“He spends most of his time seeing with only one eye anyway, Tsunade,” Jiraiya pointed out. “I don’t think it would hinder his natural talent all that much.”

Tsunade grunted. “What’s the third option?”

“The third option is probably the safest,” Inoichi said, “But I doubt that Kakashi himself would agree to it. That option is to find some way to rebuild the wall inside his mind that keeps Hound separate from him.”

All four of them stared silently at Kakashi.

“I guess all we can do is wait for him to wake up,” Ibiki said eventually. “This can only be his decision, after all.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The name of the onsen (bathhouse at hot springs) is Happy Water.

Iruka felt a lot better once he was freshly showered and back in clean clothes. He was still concerned about Kakashi, but he was a firm believer in not worrying about the things you can’t change so he did his best to push it to the back of his mind. Despite the way he’d been rudely ejected from the room he didn’t doubt that the jōnin still cared about him. Whether Kakashi _wanted_ to still care about him or not was a different matter altogether. Kakashi had spent an inordinate amount of energy trying to push him away for his own good before and considering the way things were going now there was a chance that the knuckleheaded jōnin would revert to doing that.

He smiled to himself. Kakashi might be stubborn but he was no match for Iruka himself. And Iruka would fight to the death to keep his jōnin after all the things he’d already had to go through.

“You look a lot better than you did when you came in,” Raidō remarked as he walked out into the living area. “I was worried.”

Iruka shrugged and sat down on the far end of the sofa he was currently occupying. “You really shouldn’t be, you know. I already told Genma I can look after myself.”

“I know, I know, you’re a tough nut to crack.” Raidō smiled genially at him. “I think Gen has adopted you as a kind of little brother, so just humour him, if you can. He gets rather protective of those he cares about, and tends to jump into things without thinking.”

“Oh dear.” Iruka gave a slightly lopsided smile. “When he gets better Kakashi’s going to have a hard time, between Genma-san and Naruto.”

Raidō systematically ignored the stubbornly optimistic ‘when he gets better’ – from what he’d heard from Genma no one knew what the hell was wrong with Kakashi, let alone how to fix him – and focused on the last part of the sentence. “Naruto-kun’s not happy with your relationship?”

Iruka scratched at his scar and gave an awkward laugh. “Well, see, we haven’t really told him. He’s been away training so much and when he’s back he’s so excited about everything that’s been going on he babbles at me and I can’t get a word in edgeways. Not that I mind, but I’ve never had a chance to bring it up.”

He fell silent for a while. “Kakashi won’t tell him, he’s afraid Naruto will think he’s ‘corrupting my innocence’ or something stupid like that, and, well, I’m not actually sure how he’d take the fact that I like men. I don’t know what I’d do if he thought I was unnatural.”

Raidō rolled his eyes. “Kami, Iruka, that kid has the beast that killed your parents inside of him and you never thought of him as unnatural. Why would he ever think that of you? Naruto-kun worships the ground you stand on.”

Iruka glanced down at his hands, lacing his fingers together in his lap. “I guess so. He’s still my only family though, and I’d hate to have to choose between him and Kakashi. They’ve both been alone for so long.”

Raidō bit his tongue to keep himself from saying bitterly, _choose the one who hasn’t raped you and beaten you down._ Somehow he didn’t think that would go over too well.

“Oi, are you planning on sleeping with us again?” Genma asked with a leer, popping his head around the corner. “’Cause Rai and I are not adverse to a little company.” He waggled his eyebrows and flicked his senbon in what he hoped was a seductive way.

Raidō threw a lamp at him, simply because it was the closest movable object. “Use your brain before you open your big fat mouth, Shiranui-kun,” he growled.

Genma caught the lamp and stared at it bemusedly. “What did I do wrong?”

Iruka considered it. He wanted more than anything to curl up next to another warm body tonight, but only if it was Kakashi. And Kakashi, unfortunately, didn’t seem to be an option. “No thank you,” he said quietly. “If I can borrow a futon I’d like to sleep out here.”

It would be lonely, but he didn’t really want to have company when he knew that Kakashi was all by himself, trapped in his mind.

Genma looked disappointed but Raidō kindly smiled at him. “Of course, that’s not a problem. I’ll go find one for you.”

 

Kakashi woke up instantly, but kept his eyes closed while he tried to sort out how he’d ended up where he was so as not to alert whoever was watching of his alert state. His wrists and ankles were tied and his chakra was supressed and that tended to be a bad thing to wake up to.

“Just open your eyes, Brat. I don’t have time for your games,” the ever-so-eloquent voice of his Hokage complained.

“Maa, what games are you playing with me, then?” Kakashi drawled, finding it harder than he’d expected to actually open his eyes. When he did manage to he automatically squeezed them shut again, blocking out the blinding whiteness of the room. He now remembered all too well why Tsunade would have felt the need to knock him out, even though that didn’t give him a 100% accurate idea of why he was strapped to a chair.

“Games to return your sanity,” Tsunade snapped, and he almost laughed aloud.

“Sanity? Did I ever possess that?” He almost regretted saying it as he felt the now too familiar tug away from reality and into a memory.

_He’s nine years old. A chūnin. Standing beside his sensei in front of a classroom full of pre-genin. They’re slightly older than him but they’re all stupid, clumsy and as useless as civilians. Kakashi doesn’t want to be here, but his sensei has a large hand on his shoulder, keeping him from bolting. Not that he’d do that anyway. His pride stops him from running away._

_The class is watching him and Minato with big eyes, some of them glancing at him and then away, whispering behind their hands. ‘They say he was a chūnin when he was only a little kid.’ ‘He’s weird, wearing that mask all the time.’ ‘My mum said it’s a good idea to keep away from him, you don’t know what he can do.’ ‘My brother went on a mission with him and he said that he killed someone.’ ‘No way!’_

_Kakashi doesn’t care that they’re afraid of him; it’s always been that way. He’s only here because it’s his duty to his village and that is what he lives for. He wants to do his best for Minato-sensei, to not be a failure like his father._

_“Kakashi-kun and I are going to give you a special demonstration on shuriken throwing,” Minato says, giving the children a grin full of sunshine, his hand squeezing Kakashi’s shoulder lightly, telling him wordlessly to ignore what they are saying._

_Kakashi hates it. He doesn’t need the comfort, he’s fine by himself. He is a real shinobi, unlike these bumbling idiots masquerading as ninja. He jerks the hand of another pre-genin, roughly turning the shuriken in his hand so it’s in the right position. He wants to ask, ‘Don’t you listen? Are you all really this stupid?’ but he doesn’t because he already knows the answer._

_Besides, he knows, even though he’s not supposed to, that this whole ‘demonstration’ thing is for his sake. Namikaze Minato shouldn’t be in a classroom teaching pre-genin how to do something that their chūnin teacher is more than capable of telling them himself. He is a prodigy teaching a prodigy, and they’re here because he wants Kakashi to get to know some children his own age, to make some friends._

_Kakashi already knows it will never work – not that he wants any friends – and wonders if his sensei is just stupid or too inherently optimistic to see this._

_“Watch,” he commands the snot-nosed brat who keeps tossing shuriken so they land in the dirt a couple of metres from his feet. He brings out three shuriken from the pouch at his waist and flings them towards where he knows the training post is without looking. “You have to put more force behind it,” he starts to say, but is cut off midway by a scream._

_He has never heard a scream like that before. He has seen shinobi die, but even in the midst of the most horrendous torture no self-respecting shinobi would ever let out a noise that desperate. The sound pierces his ears and he wants to cover them but will do no such thing, even though he can see at least half of the class doing just that._

_Minato and the teacher are huddling over a body between him and the training post and he knows with a sickening lurch of his stomach that he has managed to hit one of the bumbling idiots while he was showing off. Seconds later the Yellow Flash lives up to his name and he and the kid are gone._

_The teacher turns to Kakashi, frowning, and the rest of the class follow his gaze. Kakashi flees._

_He stands silently by the kid’s side in the hospital, hoping no one will notice him there. He feels guilty; the boy may be two years older than him but he hasn’t had half the training Kakashi has, and wouldn’t know how to dodge at all. He should have looked where he was throwing. Although, looking at where the wounds are on the boy, if the kid hadn’t moved at the wrong time he would have hit the post in the exact places he’d been aiming for. It’s a small consolation._

_“Kakashi, you used your own weapons didn’t you?” Kakashi tenses as Minato’s hand is on his shoulder again. He doesn’t answer. “The class ones were purposefully blunt. Yours weren’t.”_

_“I didn’t know that,” Kakashi mutters._

_“Well now you do,” Minato says cheerfully, and holds a bouquet of flowers out in front of him. “Sign the card.”_

_Kakashi scribbles a henohenomoheji on the card presented to him. “Does this mean I’m not in trouble?”_

_Minato sighs and ruffles his hair. “Kakashi-kun, I should have known better than to try and force you to interact with other children. This was my mistake.”_

_Other children? Kakashi doesn’t consider himself a child. The person on the bed covered in bandages is what he calls a child. He won’t compare himself to someone like that. Sensei is wrong, this is his mistake. It’s his fault that this kid is having trouble breathing in the hospital. He should have known better, should always know better._

Kakashi glared at the world in general. His cheek stung. “Pay attention, Brat,” Tsunade scowled, her hand still hovering in the air ready for a second strike, but it somehow seemed her voice had gotten softer.

He wanted to pay attention, but he couldn’t. The memories were clawing at his brain with stubborn, gnarled fingers, threatening to drag him back down again with them. “Can you untie me now, or have I committed some heinous crime I don’t know about?” he asked, and was pleased that his voice didn’t sound desperate at all.

Ibiki looked to Tsunade who shrugged and nodded, and then very carefully released one of Kakashi’s arms. Kakashi immediately dug the nails of his free hand into the skin of his restrained arm as hard as he could, almost puncturing the skin, and sighed happily at the burst of pain. The memories were receding.

“Baka! The restraints were to stop you from doing that,” Ibiki growled, moving forwards with the intention of wrestling him back into submission.

“It helps me focus,” Kakashi said blandly, levelling him with a baleful, one-eyed glare. “Now how do you intend to fix me?”

He wasn’t really as blasé as he was pretending to be. His brain was already filtering out the mild pain in his arm and he might have to do something drastic soon, just to keep his mind centred in reality.

“There are three things we can try,” Inoichi started to say, but Tsunade cut him off.

“We’re going to rebuild the wall in your mind to lock all your Hound memories up again.”

Kakashi stared at her. “No.”

“What do you mean, ‘no’?” Tsunade asked incredulously. “You’re currently having trouble simply following a straightforward conversation without seriously injuring yourself. It needs to be fixed.”

Kakashi looked down to see blood trickling from his arm underneath his fingers. He eased up on his grip a little. “Yamanaka-san said I had three choices. I am not letting you allow me to hurt Iruka again if there’s something else that can be done.”

Tsunade scowled. “This is the best choice for you, Brat.”

Kakashi narrowed his eyes. “But it’s not the best choice for him.”

“Iruka-sensei is strong,” Tsunade said, shrugging. “He just wants you to be happy.”

Kakashi seethed, his chakra levels leaping, turning dark and dangerous. “Are you suggesting that it’s okay for him to be hurt by me? As if it’s for some greater good?” he hissed.

_Darkness, a cave – a young child’s cry – the sickeningly wet sound of metal cutting through flesh, then bone – the grin on the missing nin’s face as he holds up the child’s severed arm in a grotesque parody of a wave –_

Tsunade shrugged sheepishly. “Well, I guess I could have worded that better. I just meant that Iruka-sensei is not really as fragile as you seem to think he is.”

“I know exactly how strong that man is,” Kakashi snapped. “But just because you can handle something doesn’t mean you deserve to be subjected to it. I will die before I let you rebuild that wall.”

“Your second option is to have the sharingan removed,” Inoichi said calmly, ignoring the glare Tsunade was sending him. “It won’t get rid of the memories, but it should dull them to a point where you can eventually keep them under control.”

Kakashi moved his hand up slowly, covering his left eye. Obito. He had no qualms about still being able to function as a high level shinobi with only one eye – he pretty much did that already – but his logical brain spat other reasons at him of why he shouldn’t let go of the last remaining piece of his genin team.  
He couldn’t get rid of Obito’s eye. He’d promised the young Uchiha that he would look after his eye and, seeing as it had been his fault that Obito had died, he owed it to him to keep that promise. Besides the sentimental reasons there was, of course, the fact that his quick Hatake brain did a pretty decent job in itself of recording things and removing his eye wouldn’t make a heck of a lot of difference. His memories wouldn’t be as sharp, but they’d still have a fair amount more detail than most people’s.

“What’s my third choice?” he asked gruffly. He really didn’t want to go back on his word and reinstate Hound. He didn’t know how long he would actually be able to live, knowing that he was hurting his lover.

“Memory removal,” Inoichi said. “It’s a long and tedious job and has an extremely high risk factor. I can’t guarantee that you’d lose the right memories, or even that you’d survive.”

Kakashi thought about it. It seemed insanely unfair that he was being given the chance to literally ease his conscience by wiping his mind clean of every wrong thing that he had done when Iruka would remember everything. Iruka could resent him for the wrongs he had committed, and he wouldn’t be able to properly understand why. It would be a very trying few months, or even years, before they’d be able to function as a ‘normal’ couple again. Not that they’d ever been that before and, well, there was no guarantee that Iruka would even still want to try.

“Iruka-sensei is not the type of person who would hold anything against anyone,” Inoichi said, and Kakashi had to wonder if the man was reading his mind. For all he knew he could be, what with his bloodline.

He didn’t really know what to do. Dying was not something he was afraid of, but what if he lived and woke up not remembering his relationship with Iruka at all? He’d end up hurting the chūnin anyway, while being completely oblivious and guilt-free of what he was doing. But losing his prized memories of happier times wasn’t as bad as continuing to make bad memories for Iruka while not being able to remember them himself, right? If he lost all his memories he’d just go on being a shinobi and he wouldn’t know what he was missing. Iruka might feel bad for a while, but he would eventually find someone else who cared about him, someone who would look after him better than Kakashi would ever be able to. The sheer number of shinobi who hung around the mission room just waiting for a smile or for Iruka to bend over (Kakashi knew exactly what they were there for. He had, after all, been one of them) made it obvious that Iruka would not have to look far to fall into somebody’s arms.

Despite that being the best option for Iruka he couldn’t help the bout of jealousy threatening to take over him. He didn’t want to imagine Iruka with anyone else, even if by that point he himself had forgotten ever being loved. He didn’t like it, but then he didn’t like any of the options he’d been given and there was no way he could continue as he was now.

“Take my memories,” he said quietly.

Ibiki glanced at Inoichi. “There is always a risk for the one who performs this particular jutsu as well.”

Kakashi frowned and bit down on the inside of his cheek to keep his focus, almost drawing blood. “You didn’t mention that.”

Inoichi just grinned at him and waved a hand dismissively. “Technically it’s a forbidden jutsu, but it’s been passed down through the generations of Yamanaka anyway. The last person to cast it was my great great grandfather. I’m actually quite excited to attempt such a high level jutsu.”

Ibiki made a low, unamused sound in the back of his throat. “Yes, and Yamanaka Inomaru ended up losing fifty years of his life after performing that jutsu. He thought he was ten years old until he died.”

Inoichi shrugged. “It’s a small price to pay to save one of the village’s elite.”

“You are also an elite,” Kakashi pointed out. “You shouldn’t be put in danger simply because I have trouble compartmentalising myself. Also know that I was an insufferable know-it-all at ten years old and no one would benefit if I reverted to that.”

“I’m not really intending to do it for you, if that makes you feel any better,” Inoichi said with a smile. “I’m doing it for Iruka-sensei, because he managed to shape my insufferable know-it-all into a successful kunoichi without removing her personality. He deserves to be happy, ne?”

“He does.” Kakashi felt slightly selfish for his previous thoughts and vowed he would stop putting himself first and think about what Iruka would want. That is, if after the operation he still remembered who Iruka was. “If you’re willing to do this for him then so am I.”

 

“You’re probably not going to like this,” Inoichi said, peering over the top of the thick tome he was reading. He had a pair of half-moon reading spectacles perched on the end of his nose and Kakashi thought it made him look like someone’s little old grandmother. Not that most ninja lived to be old enough to become grandparents, but still.

“What is it?” Kakashi gritted out. He felt like he was slowly going insane, and it took all of his concentration just to stay in the present.

“You, ah, need to be naked for the period in which I perform the jutsu.”

Kakashi stared at him with his right eye, a hand clapped solidly over his left. “Say that again.”

“You have to be completely nude and cleansed in the hottest onsen available before we start. I’ll need to draw seals directly onto you,” Inoichi explained. “Are you sure you still want to do this?”

Kakashi sucked in a deep breath and thought of Iruka. Iruka smiling. Iruka laughing. Iruka half-naked and bleeding in a classroom, begging him to please just stop.

“As soon as possible,” he replied, and his voice was admirably steady. Iruka was the only person he’d taken his mask off for in over twenty years, save the one time he couldn’t handle a mission as a newly appointed jōnin and had vomited in front of his sensei. He didn’t know if he could find it in himself to willingly bare his face to more people but he would, because he had to. For Iruka.

“You won’t break my wrists when I try to touch you then?” Inoichi asked, making sure.

“I don’t think I could even if I wanted to,” Kakashi admitted. “I can’t concentrate well enough.”

Inoichi raised one sandy eyebrow. “Is it really that bad?”

“If I say yes will you take advantage of me?” Kakashi asked, attempting a humourous tone but failing because he was concentrating too hard on grinding his teeth on the inside of his cheek. _My mouth is going to be cut to ribbons by the time this finally gets done,_ he thought wryly, but couldn’t bring himself to actually care. He’d hurt Iruka a lot worse than that.

“I’m sorry but I’m not really interested in men, Kakashi-san,” Inoichi said with a small smile, and stared back at his book. “I assume you want to get this done as soon as possible?”

Kakashi nodded. “Please.”

Inoichi glanced at the book in his hands again then nodded assertively to himself. “If you go to the Shiawasena Mizu Onsen now I’ll probably be ready for you when you come out. I need you to stay in the water for an hour to purify your body and I’ll set up a room for you to come back to, as you’ll probably be more comfortable there than you would be here.” He gestured to the T and I room they were currently in, with its blindingly white walls and purposefully uncomfortable furniture.

Kakashi dipped his head in agreement. “How many people will be with us during the procedure?”

“Ibiki will be there, to make sure I don’t overdo it, but that will be all,” Inoichi explained. “I managed to get Tsunade-sama to agree to be in the next room in case we need her medical skills. She wanted to come too.”

“Thank you.” Kakashi was glad that his venerable Hokage wouldn’t be there. The less people who got to see him naked the better.

 

Kakashi sunk down until the water was lapping at his shoulders with a small sigh, leaning back against a large rock worn smooth by decades of being exposed to the elements. It had been a long time since he’d been to a public bathhouse, and even though this particular pool had been roped off so he wouldn’t have any company he felt more than a little uncomfortable without his mask. The breeze blowing lightly against the lower part of his face just felt weird, almost intimate in a way.

Iruka liked onsens, he remembered. He couldn’t recall the chūnin ever going to one, but he did remember having a wistful conversation – well, wistful on Iruka’s part – about how all his jobs left him with no time for an extended vacation and how much he loved the peaceful quality that hot springs tended to have. Of course, being Iruka he’d followed that up with, “Oh, but I do love my jobs and I wouldn’t change them for the world. I don’t really need holidays.”

Kakashi snorted, thinking of his feisty but overworked lover, and mentally growled at the not-so-pleasant memories that were creeping up on him. Inoichi had cast some sort of mild veil jutsu on him that was supposed to help relax his mind and had the added bonus of making his brain foggy, which made it easier to fight off the memories but didn’t block them completely. 

_I’m going to have to take Iruka to an onsen when I get out of here,_ he thought, which led to picturing Iruka in a yukata with the large sleeves slipping off his shoulders, cheeks flushed from sake, brown eyes staring at him, wide and innocent. _Why have I never thought of that before? He’d be so grateful he’d let me do anything, and the hot water would leave him sweetly pliant and docile._

He nipped that train of thought in the bud before it could do any lasting damage. Thinking of Iruka tended to invite the bad memories to be more forward, and in any case he couldn’t help but consider that there was a chance he wouldn’t even get Iruka back. _Isn’t that all the more reason to enjoy your thoughts of him now?_ a little perverted voice in the back of his head said. _It would be a shame to waste this opportunity. It’s kind of like a ‘last dinner’ for death row inmates, isn’t it?_

“Inoichi said this is supposed to be a purifying experience. There is nothing pure about masturbating,” Kakashi mumbled, forgetting he was just talking to himself. “Besides, I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. This water is so damn hot it’s sapped all my energy.”

_You could create a clone and henge it into him, it’d be easy. There is no person in this world more pure than Iruka-sensei and wouldn’t you gain a bit of that purity if you fuck –_

Kakashi slammed his head back against the rock he was leaning on. “When did I become so damn disgusting?” he asked aloud, nauseated by his own dirty thoughts. He had never ‘experimented’ with a clone before and he didn’t intend to start now. In fact, he couldn’t quite figure out why the thought had come to him in the first place. It wasn’t something that turned him on at all.

He checked his internal clock, and sighed. Still half an hour to go? Maybe it would be okay to indulge in some Iruka fantasies. It was dangerous and would bring him closer to insanity, but he couldn’t possibly clear his mind for that long to think about nothing, and Iruka was the best thing he had going for him. _If he wore a yukata I could undress him with one movement. He’d be perfectly sexy wearing something like that._ Kakashi closed his eyes. He didn’t have to search far for inspiration.

_He gets out of the pool slowly, removing the towel from his head and wrapping it around his waist. It’s tiny, and barely drops to mid-thigh, but he’s not particularly bothered by that. He walks quickly to the room he had booked for the night, pushing the sliding door open and closing it silently behind him, turning to feast his eyes on the occupants of the room._

_Iruka is sitting in the middle of the floor naked, his knees bent and legs spread. His eyes are half-closed and he looks dazed, his body tilting slightly to one side and his head loose on his neck. An exact replica of Kakashi, who is wearing a plain white yukata, holds him up._

_“He’s adorable, isn’t he?” the yukata-wearing Kakashi says, and Kakashi can only nod his head. Unable to help himself he kneels down on the floor between Iruka’s legs and takes the chūnin’s flaccid member in his mouth, using every skill his lips and tongue know to bring his lover to hardness. Iruka makes a disgruntled noise and the other Kakashi pins the chūnin’s hands between his back and his chest by wrapping his arms around the younger man._

_“You know,” other-Kakashi whispers, “I prepared him for you. All you have to do is slide right in. It’s easy.”_

_Kakashi frowns, thinking something doesn’t feel quite right, but his cock twitches at the words. Iruka’s ass is undoubtedly shiny with lube, and he wants nothing more than to buried in that tight, wet heat. “Lie on your back,” other-Kakashi instructs, and he obeys without thinking._

_Iruka mews pitifully as he is lowered onto Kakashi, but all Kakashi can think of is that it feels so damn good to have Iruka pressed against his chest, to be inside of him again. “Easy, now,” other-Kakashi coos, and suddenly there’s a weird sensation down by his nether regions. Iruka cries out and as his eyes glaze over Kakashi realises that other-Kakashi is still holding his arms behind his back and the weird sensation he can feel is other-Kakashi’s cock brushing against his inside of Iruka._

_“What are you doing?” he gasps, finding it hard to speak as the pressure on his cock feels amazing. It’s so incredibly tight, and other-Kakashi’s cock is throbbing against his._

_“You don’t think you’re the only one who gets a taste of this hot piece of ass, do you?” Other-Kakashi smirks and pushes forward, leaving Kakashi breathless._

_“You’ll hurt him,” he protests, but as other-Kakashi thrusts he can’t help but give himself over to the mind-blowing pleasure the motion gives him, his brain completely shutting down._

_His mind slowly returns as his limp, spent dick slides out of his lover, his muscles jittery from his orgasm. The first thing he notices is that his face is wet. The second thing is that Iruka’s body is shuddering uncontrollably against him. It does not feel like post-sex spasms._

_“’Ruka? ‘Ruka, what’s wrong?”_

_More tears slip from the corner of Iruka’s eyes and spill onto Kakashi’s cheeks. He wraps his arms tightly around the chūnin, who doesn’t answer him, and buries his face into a shaking tanned shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”_

_“You enjoyed that though, didn’t you?”_

_Kakashi looks up to see the other-Kakashi sitting cross-legged across the room, laughing at him. He glares, an expression that usually makes people quiver in their boots if not run, but other-Kakashi just grins at him. “You liked having him completely at your mercy, but you’re not man enough to admit it.”_

_“Who are you?” Kakashi snaps._

_Other-Kakashi folds his eyes shut in a mocking parody of a smile. “Why I’m you, of course. The better part of you.”_

_“You’re Hound?” Kakashi asks, cradling Iruka closer to his chest._

_“No.” Other-Kakashi scowls. “You destroyed him. I’m… hmm. I’m somewhere between what you pretend to be and what he was.”_

_“So I should kill you too,” Kakashi said calmly._

_Other-Kakashi shrugs. “You could try, but don’t forget that you’re in my world. You may just find you lose yourself instead.”_

A bruising jab to the ribs brought Kakashi back, panting heavily, to the hot spring. Inoichi stood over him looking anywhere but at his face, a pink tinge to his cheeks. “Gomen, Kakashi-san. I thought you needed that.”

Kakashi vaulted over the rock and dry-heaved into the scrub, the slippery strings of saliva hanging from his lips reminding him that he hadn’t eaten in quite a while. The fact was that he had enjoyed the submissive Iruka, so much so that he hadn’t actually realised that the younger man hadn’t been enjoying it at all.

“Kakashi-san?” Inoichi said, alarmed, but Kakashi held up a hand to stop him from getting closer.

“I’m fine,” he growled, and bit back the next wave of what would have been vomit had he had anything in his stomach. “Thank you,” he added, noticing the jōnin’s stricken expression.

Inoichi inclined his head. “What happened? You’ve been in here for over an hour and a half so I came to get you and you were passed out.”

“Heat,” Kakashi grunted, unwilling to admit that he’d dreamt of raping his lover again. He stood up and for the first time became aware of his nudity. He was torn between covering his groin or his face and in the end decided on doing neither, because he was going to have to bare all in front of Inoichi at some point anyway and the less of a deal he made of it the easier it should be.

Inoichi, it seemed, didn’t want to look at him and was staring at some distant point just above his left shoulder. “I guess we should, erm, just get this thing started?”

Kakashi nodded his consent, though he expected Inoichi didn’t see it, and tightrope-walked his way along the rocks around the edge of the pool. He could hear the older man following him and was slightly unnerved by it, despite the fact that he was a comrade. He was feeling remarkably open and vulnerable, and hated that he had absolutely no weapons or protection. He’d never been so defenceless, not even as a child.

The room Inoichi had set up for him was empty, save for a bare futon and the thick book the jōnin had been reading previously. The tall blond man waved at the mattress. “Lie down, make yourself as comfortable as possible. I’m just going to, ah, change my pants.”

Kakashi turned to study his companion for the first time, frowning. _Oh._ His face cleared as his eyes took in the jōnin’s sodden pants. _He waded into the hot springs to get me._ “Alright.”

Inoichi scratched the back of his head in an awkward fashion and backed out of the room, sliding the door shut behind him. Kakashi lay down on the futon carefully, closed his eyes and tried to control his breathing. All of his instincts were screaming for him to get out while he still could and he did his best to ignore them, fists clenching at his sides. _This is for Iruka,_ he told himself. _You don’t have a choice, if you even want a chance at keeping him._

_“He’s ours no matter what, you don’t have to put yourself through some silly jutsu to keep him.”_

_Kakashi turns to see other-Kakashi smirking at him with a drugged-up looking Iruka sitting on the ground and leaning heavily on his leg. “He’s so weak you can do whatever you want to him.”_

_Other-Kakashi lifts the chūnin slightly off the ground by his ponytail. Iruka makes a barely discernible noise of protest as other-Kakashi lets go and he falls back to the ground, slumping over. “That’s not real,” Kakashi growls, mostly in an attempt to convince himself. “I left him with Raidō and Genma.”_

_Other-Kakashi raises an eyebrow. “You left him with Genma? Are you stupid? He’s a chūnin, and chūnin are easily swayed. You know how convincing Genma-san can be.”_

_Kakashi frowns. “He wouldn’t do anything -”_

_“Maa, let’s get away from this, I don’t care much for little Genma-san.” Other-Kakashi flips a hand in front of his face, seemingly bored with the conversation.  
“The most important thing is that you know how easy it is to control this little honey.” He tugs Iruka’s head back by his hair, baring his face to Kakashi._

_“I don’t want to control him,” Kakashi says flatly._

_“Yes, you do,” other-Kakashi retorts. “I know, because I am you.”_

_“No, I don’t. You are not me.”_

_Other-Kakashi shrugs. “Whatever. Just know that even if he doesn’t want you it’s easy to make him believe he does. He’s pretty susceptible to genjutsu, for a chūnin, and that stupid Uchiha’s eye will make him adore you, easy. You can also get him to do your laundry and cook for you and stuff. Neat, huh?”_

_“No.” Kakashi avoids looking at Iruka, because he looks too damn real. “I don’t want him to be with me if he doesn’t want to be.”_

_“Yes you do,” other-Kakashi says calmly. “You want this idiot more than you’ve wanted anything in your life.”_

_“And if he doesn’t come back to me of his own free will then I will let him be, because I would rather he be happy than force him to stay with me.”_

_Other-Kakashi laughs, a sudden, short burst of noise that makes Iruka cringe. “Oh you are just too precious. I should have realised just how dependant – no, just how weak you’ve been getting.”_

_Kakashi clenches his fists. “I am not weak.” Suddenly filled with a cold confidence he stalks forward and wraps his fingers around other-Kakashi’s neck._

_“You wouldn’t dare,” the imposter hisses._

_“You need to die, just like Hound,” Kakashi says calmly, and squeezes._

_“You need me, though,” other-Kakashi protests. “You’ll die without me.”_

_Kakashi shrugs. “I’ll take my chances.”_

“Snap out of it, Hatake.”

Kakashi’s body jack-knifed upwards and his hands were around Ibiki’s throat before he was even lucid enough to know who spoke. “I doubt your enemies would be so afraid of you if they knew what a pretty face you have, Kakashi,” the torture specialist said easily, all but ignoring the man’s death grip on his windpipe.

Kakashi released the pressure slowly and let his hands drop meekly to his sides, resolutely ignoring the strong desire to cover his face. “What I look like is of no importance to anyone.”

“Your features are very fine, almost feminine.” Ibiki continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “It’s amazing, I never imagined that you would look so… delicate, is perhaps the best word for it.”

Kakashi scowled and gestured to his very obviously male genitals, hating the attention being paid to his face. “Does this look feminine to you?”

To give Ibiki his due he didn’t look down, instead moving slightly to the side to study Kakashi’s face in profile. “I don’t need proof that you’re a man, Kakashi. I am just pointing out that it may be a good thing that you wear the mask.”

“It’s not a good thing or a bad thing, it just is,” Kakashi said coldly. “And I do not intend to change it now.”

Ibiki shrugged, and backed off toward the corner of the room. “Is everything ready?” he asked, directing his question at the doorway.

Kakashi turned in the direction indicated and cursed himself for not having detected Inoichi’s presence sooner. Something most be terribly wrong with his head for him to space out this much. The sooner this got fixed the better.

“Yes, I have everything,” Inoichi replied, walking into the room and kneeling beside the futon, book open beside him. “If you could lie down, Kakashi-san?”

Kakashi did as he was told, taking deep, calming breaths in an attempt to slow down his wildly beating heart. He was at a distinct disadvantage, completely at the mercy of the other two men in the room, and he was not comfortable with Inoichi’s proximity.

“I know it’s difficult, but I’m going to have to ask you to try to relax,” Inoichi said in what was supposed to be a soothing voice. “I’m not going to touch you at all, but the brush will and at times it may tickle or be uncomfortable for you. I cannot stop once I start, so are you ready for this?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Kakashi said through gritted teeth. He had to do it now, he’d already bared his body and to stop at this point would mean he’d done it unnecessarily, which didn’t bear thinking about.

“Let’s get started then,” Inoichi said with false cheer, and the wet tip of a brush stroked down Kakashi’s abdomen.

The ink was cold but as soon as Inoichi finished a set of whatever it was he was drawing – Kakashi couldn’t tell by the shapes if it was kanji, katakana, hiragana or ancient symbols – it started to tingle, grow warmer, and sink down to form a layer just below his skin. It wasn’t uncomfortable, as such, but it was an extremely weird feeling.

“Relax,” Inoichi repeated. “It’s probably pretty much impossible for you right now, but try to clear your mind.” 

The brush moved up his chest and down his left arm, making his fingers prickle. By the time Inoichi had covered his right arm in symbols he felt like he was wearing an over-warm shirt that he was itching to take off. When the brush touched the inside of his thigh he twitched, unable to stop himself. Inoichi paused, then continued without mentioning it.

He had no idea how long it took for his full-body temporary tattoo to be done, only that when Inoichi finally stopped he felt more relieved than it probably warranted. The tall blond stood up and stretched. “This is the hard part,” he said to Kakashi, then turned to Ibiki, whom Kakashi had forgotten was in the room.  
“Give me four hours, and if I’m not out by then force me out.”

Ibiki nodded curtly and Inoichi faced Kakashi again, taking in a deep breath. “Alright then,” he muttered to himself, rolling his shoulders, then started making signs.

Kakashi was glad that the sharingan was closed and he couldn’t follow them because even just watching the jōnin’s hands move with his normal eye was making him dizzy. He was trying to work out how powerful the jutsu must be with over twenty-seven hand-signs – he’d lost count after that – when his world went black.

Ibiki jumped forward and caught Inoichi’s boneless body before it hit the ground, laying him down next to Kakashi. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Ino-san,” he muttered, and settled himself in for a long wait.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The name of the town is ‘Little Flame’. Kakashi has been asleep for three or four days.

Kakashi blinked his eyes open slowly, feeling weirdly disembodied and drowsy. He was lying on a futon pressed up against the wall of a small, white room and his arms and legs were numb to the point that he couldn’t really feel them at all. Someone had dressed him in a white cotton yukata and tied something silky around the lower half of his face and over his left eye. The material clung to his mouth wetly as he breathed in, but he didn’t have the required mobility to tear it away.

_How did I get here?_ His voice wasn’t working properly, not that it mattered because there was no one around to hear him call out. His brain felt like a dried out sponge, and all his memories were jumbled in a tiny pile in the middle of his head. He closed his eyes again and focused inwardly.

_I am Hatake Kakashi. I am twenty-eight years old. I am an elite shinobi._ “Shinobi?” He rolled the word around in his mouth for a while. It tasted funny, and he felt almost like he was describing someone else instead of himself. He didn’t feel like a Kakashi. He focused harder and found himself sitting in a broken-down house staring at a pile of rocks. They were nice looking rocks, though, and a lot of them actually looked jewel-like. He picked up a pretty little sapphire thing and felt something not unlike an electric shock pass through his system, making him flinch and squeeze his eyes shut.

When he opened his eyes again he was in a different room, standing beside a bed that was currently occupied by someone. He inched closer to investigate only for the person to roll over to face him, muttering something under his breath. Kakashi crouched down so he was on eye-level with the intriguing man, who scrunched up his nose adorably and said, “I refuse to accept such shoddy penmanship, Takumi-kun. Do it again.”

The man had an endearing strip of darker skin stretching across the bridge of his nose that filtered out on each cheek. Kakashi couldn’t help tracing his thumb along the line it made, and the man shivered. “Kaah-shi,” he breathed, and for some odd reason Kakashi found himself ripping down his mask and leaning forward to trace the scar with his tongue, his fingers tangling in the long brown hair. His hand was pale against the mocha shade of the man’s skin, and he wondered absentmindedly what their bodies would look like together. _Coffee and cream,_ he thought delightedly, but was distracted by the man’s lips parting, a pink tip of tongue slipping out, and the fluttering of dark eyelashes. He held his breath as the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen on a person blinked open, and as they focused on him the lips twitched up into a smile.

“Aren’t you awake yet, brat?” someone said, and he was dragged callously out of the memory to stare into the eyes of someone who wasn’t the gorgeous man he’d just been watching. He glared the best he could.

The woman just raised an eyebrow and grinned at him. “Well, I’m glad to see you back all bright and cheery.”

He recognised her from somewhere, the blonde pigtails and the glowing golden eyes, but he couldn’t recall her name or what relationship he had to her. He hoped beyond anything else that she wasn’t his lover. 

“Is he real?” he asked and then coughed, his throat scratchy, the words hard to form.

“Is who real?” the woman asked, seemingly amused. “Are you seeing things, Kakashi?”

Too late he realised that she couldn’t have seen his dream. “The man with the pretty eyes.” 

She continued staring so he added, “And the scar.” He tried to move his arm to draw his finger across his nose but it wouldn’t budge. 

She frowned. “You mean Iruka-sensei?”

“I-ru-ka.” The syllables danced off his tongue, delighting him to no end. It sounded like it fitted with the cute, peaceful man he’d been watching, so maybe he was a real person and not a dream. “Is that his name?”

She frowned harder and muttered to herself. “He’s not going to like this.”

“Do you know him?” Kakashi struggled to sit up but his arms wouldn’t obey him. “Can I meet him?”

“Meet…?” Tsunade dredged a smile up from God-knows-where. “Sure you can. I’d like to ask you some questions first, though.”

“Can I see him soon?”

The woman was obviously done indulging him because she just ignored his question. “Do you know who you are?”

“I am Hatake Kakashi. I am a,” the word came to him out of nowhere, “Jōnin. Is that a type of shinobi?”

“Yes.” Tsunade rubbed her face with her hands tiredly. “Inoichi said you’d be jumbled when you woke up, but I didn’t realise it would be this bad. You better get better quickly, brat.”

“And I-ru-ka. Is he a jōnin too?”

“Iruka-sensei is a chūnin. Do you remember being a chūnin?”

Kakashi scrunched up his face in thought. “I think I was… very small.”

Tsunade smiled wryly. “You were very small. They had to make a uniform especially for you.”

“How did I get like this?” Kakashi asked suddenly. He still couldn’t move his body properly, it felt like he was trying to move someone else’s limbs, but somehow he knew that it would only be a matter of time before he could.

“Er.” Tsunade scratched her head, unsure of how much to tell him. “You were having some… issues, and we had to erase some of your memories to stabilise you. I’ll get Inoichi, he can explain what’s going on.”

Before he could answer she was gone, and he was alone again. She returned some minutes later with a tired looking man who had long blond hair. Kakashi scowled at her. “That’s not I-ru-ka.”

Tsunade frowned at him. “Do you know what my name is?”

Kakashi shrugged, and was mildly surprised that his shoulders had actually moved. “I don’t care. You didn’t bring me the pretty man with the scar.”

The blond man scratched the back of his head and laughed nervously, glancing at the blonde woman out of the corner of his eye. “You’re not going to kill me for accidentally breaking one of your favourite jōnin, are you?”

“That depends.” The woman folded her arms across her ample bosom. “Will he get better?”

Inoichi shrugged. “I’m assuming he will. I just removed a large chunk of his life and all the rest of his memories have been mixed together – it’s somewhat like searching through a cluttered closet and throwing certain things out. What’s left in the closet is in a big mess, and you don’t know where to find anything you’re looking for because it’s not in the right place. He should still know who he is and who we are, he just doesn’t know where to find the information because it’s muddled together. It should fix itself up in a couple of days.”

“So what exactly did you take from me?” Kakashi asked.

Inoichi looked uncomfortable. “Ano, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to tell you that or not. The important thing is that they’re gone.”

“Hmm.” Kakashi tried sitting up again and found that this time, with extreme effort, he could do it. “I think I’m the sort of person who would look everywhere and not give up until I find out what I want to know, am I right?”

Tsunade sighed. “Yes, you probably would, you insolent brat. But there are no records of any of this and I will not have you threatening any of my shinobi so please just wait until I decide what to tell you.”

Kakashi frowned, about to argue, when she said, “I’ll get Iruka-sensei for you. At the very least he can stop you from making an idiot of yourself.”

“Yes please.” Kakashi smiled widely, his eyes arching closed happily.

 

“He remembers Iruka-sensei?” Inoichi asked as soon as they’d left the room.

Tsunade shook her head. “Not exactly. He must have remembered something, because he asked for the man with the ‘pretty eyes and the scar’ but he didn’t have a name. I guessed Iruka, but if I was wrong it’s going to be painful for both of them.”

“But seeing Iruka-sensei might help jog some of his memories if he’s been thinking about him already,” Inoichi mused. “It’s probably a good idea to bring him along.”

“That’s what I thought.” Tsunade glanced at the clock at the end of the hall. “The academy should be on break in half an hour – no, that’s right.” She frowned. “Iruka’s not teaching at the moment. He’s staying with Shiranui and Namiashi. You want to go get him? I’d rather not have too many people know what’s going on here.”

Inoichi laughed. “Are you serious? You can’t keep secrets in a hidden village, it’s impossible.”

Tsunade shrugged. “Well, the rumours will fly around but people don’t necessarily need to know everything. Especially because Kakashi himself doesn’t, and probably won’t ever, remember why he was brought here in the first place.”

“Alright, I get it.” Inoichi smiled. “I’ll go get him now.”

 

Genma opened the door clad only in a pair of tight, black boxers and white cotton socks. Inoichi turned a pretty crimson and stared fixedly at the wall. He coughed politely. “Do I even want to ask?”

Genma stepped out of the doorway and motioned him in, senbon twitching between his lips. “He,” he pointed to a fully clothed, grinning Iruka, “Thought it would be funny to challenge me to Strip Shogi without informing me that he was taught to play by the Sandaime.”

“Strip Shogi?” Inoichi asked, blinking.

Iruka scratched his nose and chuckled. “Every time he loses a game he has to lose an item of clothing. I taught Shikamaru how to play, you know.”

“You want to see him naked?”

“Oh, no.” Iruka smiled. “I just wanted to see how far it would get before he gave up. I’m kind of glad you turned up though, because I get the feeling he doesn’t have a ‘giving up’ point and I don’t really want to see his tackle.”

“I was hoping that my nudity would put you off so you’d make mistakes and I could finally win a game,” Genma said cheerfully, no shame at all. “All I want is one win.”

“You’re not going to get one,” Iruka said, “Your attention span is too short.”

“You’re not going to get one,” Inoichi added, “Because I need to take Iruka-sensei away with me for a while.”

Iruka frowned. “What for?”

“Kakashi-san woke up and is asking for you.”

“Woke up? What do you mean?” Iruka stood up, panic written clear across his face. “What happened?”

“The short answer is that I removed some of his memories, at Kakashi-san’s own request. I’m sure Tsunade-sama will fill you in on the details when you get there,” Inoichi explained. 

“Is he alright?” Iruka asked, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

Inoichi nodded. “He’s a little bit muddled but his mind should fix itself in a day or two. He’s asking to see you.”

“Oh thank Kami,” Iruka whispered.

“Could I come too?” Genma was already slipping his pants back on, hopping about on one leg.

Iruka stared at him. “You don’t even like Kakashi.”

Genma shrugged. “I’d like to see this. I am looking after Iruka right now and I don’t want to just hand him back over to Pervert Boy.”

Iruka scowled at him and then looked helplessly at Inoichi, who just shrugged. “I guess you could come. This is very private though, so the only person you’ll be allowed to tell about what you hear is Raidō-san.”

“Perfect!” Genma clapped his hands together. “Rai will be so jealous!”

“Don’t get too carried away,” Iruka growled, flinging his shirt at him, “And don’t you dare say anything to upset my ‘Kashi.”

Genma grinned impishly. “I wouldn’t dream of it, Ruki-baby.”

Iruka glowered and stomped out of the door. “Don’t call me that either.”

Inoichi stood awkwardly between them, looking from one to the other, before following Iruka onto the street. He put a clumsy hand on the younger man’s shoulder and said, “Kakashi-san – he doesn’t really remember anything at the moment, at least not properly. We’re hoping seeing you might stir up some of his memories, but try not to push him too hard, okay?”

“Thank you, Inoichi-san,” Iruka said, giving him a small, strained smile. “For what you’ve done for Kakashi, I mean. There must have been other, simpler choices, weren’t there?”

“Yeah.” Inoichi scratched the back of his head self-consciously. “Tsunade-sama wanted him to rebuild the wall that separated his mind into two personas but he flat-out refused. That would have probably been quite a simple procedure.”

Iruka’s face darkened. “Oh. Uh, I’ve forgotten something, just wait a moment?” 

He disappeared back into the house without waiting for an answer, pushing past Genma who stared after him before shrugging and moving to stand beside Inoichi. “What’s up with him?”

“He forgot something?” Inoichi looked puzzled. “I think I upset him somehow.”

“Eh.” Genma shrugged. “He’s pretty unbalanced at the moment, if you leave him for a little while he’ll swing back the other way and be perfectly fine again. He should be happy if he gets to see his ‘Kashi’.” He spat the nickname like a curse.

“Not a fan of the Copy-ninja?” Inoichi asked, eyebrow raised.

Genma scowled and flicked his senbon against his teeth. “I just think Iruka is too quick to trust him, that’s all.”

“Okay, I’m ready now.” Iruka rushed out of the house, a brown paper bag clutched in his hand.

Genma kicked the door shut and used his senbon to lock the door before running through the hand-seals to activate the wards.

“Doesn’t that ruin the lock?” Inoichi asked, gesturing to the senbon.

“Maybe.” Genma placed the slim bit of metal back in his mouth and chewed it thoughtfully. “I always forget my keys though, and locking it like that helps me to remember how to unlock it. It should be fine so long as Rai doesn’t find out.”

Iruka wrinkled his nose. “That’s so unhygienic, Genma.”

Genma shrugged. “I’m pretty much immune to most poisons, so I don’t think a little bit of dirt is going to do me much harm. Where are they holding Pervert Boy?”

“Onsen.” When two pairs of eyes stared at him, expecting more, Inoichi added, “In a small town outside of the village called Chīsana Honō. I needed a relaxed atmosphere to perform the jutsu and there is too much wild chakra floating around here.”

“We should leave now then. It’s a couple of hours travel to that town, right?” Iruka said, holding his paper bag tightly to his chest. 

“Yeah, maybe an hour and a half if we push it.” Inoichi smiled at him, amused and charmed by the chūnin’s excitement to see his lover.

“And we don’t want to keep Kakashi-sama waiting,” Genma muttered, earning himself a fierce glare from Iruka.

Inoichi held up his hands. “Don’t bicker. If you can’t get along then Genma-san, you need to leave.”

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. I will refrain from sharing my opinion,” Genma said insincerely, walking out ahead of them at a rather fast pace.

“Why do you put up with him if he’s like this?” Inoichi whispered, genuinely confused.

Iruka smiled gently. “He’s not so bad, usually. At the moment he’s just pissed off because he didn’t win at shogi, Raidō’s on a particularly dangerous mission and I get to see Kakashi. Besides the fact that he doesn’t like Kakashi I think he’s a little jealous. He and Raidō were fighting about something before he left.”

Inoichi frowned. “He really shouldn’t be coming, then. Kakashi-san needs a peaceful environment to heal his mind.”

Iruka shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure he’ll be fine. I’d rather have him where I can keep an eye on him because, well, he helped me when I was falling apart and I’d like to be able to return the favour, even though he resists help as much as he can.”

“I see,” Inoichi murmured, and they continued on in silence.

 

The onsen was almost unnaturally silent when they got there, and the three men didn’t talk as they shucked off their sandals, almost afraid to break the quiet.   
Tsunade greeted them immediately. “Thank kami you came! The brat won’t shut up about his pretty-eyed man and it’s driving me insane.”

Iruka stared at her curiously, so she added, “I’m pretty sure it’s you. He likes saying your name, for some reason. You should be able to handle him; it’s like dealing with an insolent child and that’s what you’re good at, right?” She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter, just go see him anyway.”

Iruka gave a small, unsure smile. “Thank you?”

“Come along then, you can be his new babysitter.” She grabbed his arm and dragged him off to Kakashi’s room, ignoring the onsen staff, Inoichi and Genma trailing along behind. She stopped in front of a sliding door, indicating that he should open it.

Iruka tugged the door to one side cautiously, almost afraid of what he would find. Kakashi was sitting on a futon, leaning against the wall and running an obi through his fingers lazily. He looked up as the door opened, visible eye folding up in a happy curve when he saw who’d come to visit him. “I-ru-ka.”

Tsunade glanced from one to the other, neither of them moving, then prodded Iruka into the room. “I’m going to leave you two alone for a little while. We’ll be back to check up later.” 

She swiftly shut the door behind him, leaving him standing awkwardly and rubbing his nose. “Ano, why do you call me like that?”

Kakashi cocked his head to one side. “It’s your name, isn’t it?”

_Isn’t it? Kami, how much has he forgotten?_ Iruka laughed uneasily. “Yes, I suppose it is.”

“Come here.” 

When he didn’t budge Kakashi started struggling to get up so he forced his feet to move, one step at a time until he was standing over his lover. _Calm down, Iruka. This has to be way more frightening for him. He’s just lost a bundle of memories._

Kakashi grabbed his wrists and pulled him down so Iruka was straddling him, tugging up his shirt and chuckling delightedly to himself. Iruka tried to pull it down again to hide his stomach but Kakashi stubbornly held on.

“What on earth are you doing?” Iruka hissed, attempting to cover his uneasiness with anger.

“I’ve been wanting to do this ever since I dreamed of you,” Kakashi said happily, sweeping the sides of his yukata apart and pulling Iruka forward so their bare chests were pushed together. “Look. Coffee and cream.”

“Oh,” Iruka breathed. “You wanted to see what our bodies looked like together?”

Kakashi nodded, and spoke almost shyly. “Your name feels good in my mouth, too.”

Iruka smiled, leaned forward and carefully folded the material over Kakashi’s face down to pool around his neck. “You know,” he whispered against the pale, thin lips he’d revealed, “I also have other things that would feel good in your mouth.”

Kakashi’s whole body trembled, his eye flickering down to watch Iruka’s lips. Iruka couldn’t help it. He closed the gap quickly, mouth searching and desperate and needy, shaking hands burrowing into soft silver hair. When he pulled back he was panting, nearly crying. “I m-missed you… I was so – so sc-scared. Baka.”  
Without warning he slapped the jōnin hard across the face. “You didn’t – you didn’t give me a choice. Just went and – went and erased everything all on your own, you stupid dummy blockhead. Those were my memories too.”

His shoulders shook despite his best efforts to keep them still, stray tears melting into the fabric of his shirt. “I’m s-sorry. But I didn’t want to lose you.”

Kakashi cradled his hand gently in his own, giving him a soft smile. “I don’t remember, but I guess I deserved that. I’m a bit of a bastard, aren’t I?”

Iruka wrapped his arms around the jōnin’s neck and choked out, “Not a bastard.”

Kakashi rubbed his back comfortingly, pulling him closer. Iruka could feel the jōnin’s heart beating against his own chest, solid and even. He wanted to get even closer, to push until he was inside Kakashi’s skin, in a place where the jōnin could never get away.

“I need you,” he whispered. _I’m never letting you go again. You’re going to stop running away._ Iruka pulled back and took possession of the jōnin’s lips once more, meeting little resistance. Trailing his lips over his partner’s pale jaw and down his long, elegant neck, sucking and licking and biting, Iruka was rewarded with a small, surprised moan. Further investigation with his fingers found that Kakashi was not wearing anything under the yukata, as well at that he was unmistakably aroused by Iruka’s none-too-gentle ministrations.

Iruka stood and removed his pants and his underwear, the weight of Kakashi’s curious gaze on him simply turning him on more. He could hear his heart thumping in his ears, his entire body thrumming with the desire to be as close as possible to his Kakashi.

He wet his fingers hurriedly, sloppily, in his own mouth, sinking back onto his knees on top of the jōnin before plunging them into himself. His preparation was too quick and too little but he ignored the sting and the burn in favour of the adrenaline pumping through him crying _now, I need it now._

Kakashi watched with keen interest as Iruka leaned into him, jerking their arousals together with one hand while the other worked at his entrance, and kissed the open mouth that was offered to him so freely.

Abruptly Iruka’s hand left his cock only to return wetted with spit, quickly being replaced with Iruka himself, too impatient to wait any longer. He pushed down much too fast, swallowing Kakashi’s cock down to the hilt in one go, causing a searing pain to arc up his spine.

“’Kashi,” he whispered, burying his face in the pale neck of his lover, breathing heavily, his nails raking down the older man’s back. “Just a little…”

Iruka breathed in deeply, trying to force his muscles to relax so he could just move. He was no longer sure whether he was in pain or if it was an indescribable pleasure, but the one thing he was sure about was that it felt right to have Kakashi inside him like this.

Deeming himself adjusted enough Iruka lifted up until only the head of Kakashi’s cock was still inside him and then slammed back down again, making the jōnin shudder violently and grab his hips, digging his nails in. He set up a fast, pounding rhythm, not caring that it would make him come too fast, simply aiming for release.

He came first, his release splattering Kakashi’s chest, the tightening of his muscles forcing the jōnin to release his own seed. Totally spent in more ways than one, Iruka collapsed onto his lover. _I didn’t realise how much I actually needed that. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest._

“Iruka,” Kakashi said softly, his fingers straying low on the chūnin’s back, “I came inside you. Is that okay?”

“Maa, you do it all the time,” Iruka said automatically, and then froze, repeating softly, “You do it all the time.” _But you don’t remember, do you? Your memories are all messed up and you don’t even really remember me. What have I done?_

“I’m sorry.” Iruka’s hands were trembling as he cupped Kakashi’s chin in his hands. “I’m so sorry.”

He was so distraught he didn’t hear the sliding door open or process the sound when Tsunade said, “I didn’t give you time alone for that. You surprise me, Iruka-sensei,” although Kakashi’s lone eye swivelled to acknowledge her.

“I – you don’t even know who I am yet I forced you to – I raped you.”

“You have every right to rape him, Iruka.”

Iruka twisted his head to see Genma standing behind Tsunade, smirk playing across his lips, only to have his head jerked back in the other direction by Kakashi. 

“Listen to me,” the jōnin growled. “I don’t have the memories that you have of ‘us’ right now, and I’m not going to lie about that. But I do know one thing. When I woke up you were the only thing on my mind. You’re still the only thing on my mind. I don’t know my reasons behind it but my brain, my body and my heart all tell me that you are everything to me. You did not rape me. If anything, the one who was hurt by this is you.”

He looked thoughtfully at Genma, and then back to Iruka, stroking the younger man’s hair back from his face. “I did something to hurt you, didn’t I, before? That’s why my memories were taken.”

Iruka stilled completely, his face darkening. Calmly he stood up, pulled his pants back on, strode over to where Genma was standing and threw him against the wall, holding him there. “You utter bastard,” he hissed. “There is no such thing as ‘the right to rape’.”

He punched the stunned senbon specialist in the jaw, his fist connecting with a resounding crack. “I hate you for saying that.”

“Oi! No beating up my shinobi,” Tsunade shouted, pulling Iruka away and letting him go just as quickly. “You got yourself into this mess, kid. Take a shower and try to cool down. Take the brat with you if you like, he’s a mess as well. Kakashi, don’t ask him questions he’s not allowed to answer. We’ll deal with that once everybody is more level-headed. Understood?” 

Iruka nodded meekly and Kakashi merely blinked at her.

“Good. Now get out of my sight, both of you.”


	31. Chapter 31

Iruka stood facing the wall in the small shower cubicle, doing his best to keep his body from touching any part of Kakashi’s. He stared at the floor, hair heavy over his shoulders, letting the water pound down onto him.

_How could I do that to him, what on earth was I thinking? Kami, how can he even stand to look at me?_ His butt ached and despite his self-admonishment he cherished the feeling, hoping to hold on to it for as long as possible in case he was never again allowed to get that close to Kakashi. _How many times can I say I’m sorry before he just gets sick of it?_

A gentle touch flitted across his shoulders, the pads of Kakashi’s thin fingers warm against his skin for the brief contact. “I don’t know if I hurt you,” the jōnin started, voice soft and low, “But I think I did, even though I can’t understand why I would ever want to do that. I just want you to know that I am very sorry for whatever I did to you, even if you can’t forgive me.”

“I know.” Iruka tilted his face upwards and hoped that the water spilling from the showerhead would hide the fact that he was crying. “I know. I never blamed you for any of it.”

“Can I ask how I hurt you?” Kakashi asked hesitantly, his hands inches from Iruka’s shoulders, not quite daring to touch him again. Iruka’s back stiffened at the words and he drew his hands back further. “I know you’re not supposed to tell me anything, but if I’m going to hear this I’d rather hear it from you than that loudmouthed blonde.”

Iruka turned slowly, his eyes on Kakashi’s collarbone, too afraid to look him in the eyes. He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again when no words came out. He didn’t know what to say, and he cursed Genma for having brought this up in the first place. 

Kakashi seemed to take his silence as a refusal and tentatively pushed on. “She seems to have a pretty good understanding of how my personality works so she should be expecting me to ask you questions even after I’ve been told not to, right?”

“She’s probably counting on my stubborn adherence to rules countering your curiousity and doggedness,” Iruka said softly, unable to stop himself from chuckling weakly. “But to be honest I’d rather this was just between you and me anyway. She wants to decide what things to tell you to shape you into an even sharper weapon for Konoha than you were before.”

“So you will tell me?” Kakashi asked hopefully.

“I – I don’t know,” Iruka admitted. “I really just wish you’d never found out about any of it, because I don’t want you to feel guilty about something that wasn’t your fault in the first place.”

Daringly Kakashi reached out and pulled the younger man into a loose hug, relaxing slightly when Iruka willingly laid his head on his shoulder. “How can you not blame me for whatever I did when the needle-sucking guy obviously does?”

“Genma doesn’t know everything, and even when he’s not stressed he’s prone to blurting things out that are really best kept in his head. You shouldn’t worry about him.” Iruka crept closer so that their chests were touching, unable to resist. “Before, you had two personalities. There was you, as you are now, and then there was Hound. Hound was created to help you deal with some of the terrible things you had to see and do when you were a lot younger, I guess, and stuck around after that to help you out in times when you needed to completely focus on an unpleasant or difficult task.”

“And this ‘Hound’ persona,” Kakashi wrinkled his nose at the word, “He did something to you, right?”

“Yes.” Iruka took a deep breath. “He – he raped me.”

Kakashi didn’t say anything in return so Iruka pushed closer, desperately trying to reassure the silent jōnin that it was all in the past with both his body and his words. “Konoha is the reason Hound was created,” he said quietly. “He was not your invention, or there by your choice. You were pushed by Konoha, and probably your father, to do things no child should ever have to do, and your mind created Hound by necessity. You destroyed Hound when you found out what he did to me and that’s how you wound up here.”

“I destroyed him?” Kakashi asked, so softly that Iruka almost didn’t hear him.

“Yes, you destroyed the partition in your brain that was keeping the two personas separate and gained all of Hound’s memories at once. The intensity of those memories was so overpowering that you could no longer really function properly, and something had to be done about it.”

Kakashi twisted his fingers into Iruka’s hair gently. “That doesn’t seem fair.”

“What doesn’t?”

“That I can’t remember anything and you have to remember everything. Why don’t you hate me?”

Iruka wrapped tentative hands around Kakashi’s back and pressed his nose into the side of his neck. “It was your idea in the first place, you know, to remove your memories. I never got a say in it, and I’m still mad about that, baka.” He bit the slope of bare skin beneath his lips lightly. “But at least you’re not freaking out anymore. I was so scared you’d accidentally end up killing yourself or something.”

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi whispered. “I should have given you a choice before, shouldn’t I?”

Iruka shrugged and laughed humourlessly. “There’s no point complaining to you about it, and you don’t really need to apologise. You don’t even remember doing it, which makes you somewhat of an innocent.”

Kakashi frowned and stared at the water dripping down Iruka’s back without actually seeing it. “Does that mean that you think I’m not the same person as the Kakashi who you dated before?”

Iruka stilled, and didn’t say anything for a while. Eventually he said slowly, softly, “I don’t know. It’s hard to be sure about anything right now. I don’t really know who you are – you don’t even know who you are. You don’t know who I am, either. Once your mind is fixed you might even decide you’d rather be without me –”

“Never,” Kakashi hissed, clutching him tightly. “You’re the only thing I know right now, and I don’t actually care if I don’t get any other memories back. I will never let you leave my side.”

“Kakashi?”

Kakashi ground his teeth and pulled him even tighter. Iruka was almost sure he heard him whisper, “Mine.”

“Kakashi, stop! I can’t –” Iruka choked, “Breathe.”

He jerked backwards at the same time that Kakashi let go, his back hitting the shower wall with a solid thunk. “What was that?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know!” Kakashi stared at his hands, then at Iruka, then back at his hands, eyes wide. “What am I?”

“Kakashi –”

Kakashi backed away, hands held out palm forward in front of him. “I think I should go, really. I need – you need – well, there are things that should be sorted out.”

Iruka dragged a hand through his hair to get it out of his face, flicking water over his shoulders. “Don’t, Kakashi. Just stay –”

Kakashi turned and stepped out of the shower, pulling the yukata back over his still-wet body before leaping out the window.

“– With me,” Iruka finished quietly, sighing. “Damn it, Kakashi, will you ever stop running away?”

 

He didn’t know why he was running, or where he was running to, only that he didn’t want to stop. He didn’t like the blonde pig-tailed woman at all, and he’d hurt his Iruka. They wouldn’t want him to come back anyway, would they? The grumpy needle guy would definitely be happy to see him gone, that was for sure.  
He came to a halt in a large clearing and sat down against a large flat rock, only now realising that his instinctive flight over the rooftops of Konoha had cut up his bare feet. “Stupid boy,” he muttered to himself. “You deserve it.”

The yukata clung to his frame, soaked through, and did nothing to stop the chill wind from cutting through to his skin. Kakashi sighed and bowed his head, closing his eyes. _Who am I, really? Am I really the sort of person who would hurt the people he cares about? I don’t want to be that person._

Kakashi opened his eyes again and stared down at his hands, studying a thick scar that curved from the knuckle of his right forefinger to the base of his thumb. _When am I going to remember? I hate not knowing anything, and the worst part is that even when I do recover I’m not going to know everything._ He rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand tiredly. _Whatever made me choose to do this to myself? It must have been pretty bad for me to actually want this. Iruka has every right to be mad at me. I’m an insensitive prick._

Kakashi shifted his weight and the stone stabbed him in the back. Reaching behind himself to rub at the sore spot his fingers brushed over some weird grooves in the stone’s surface. “Maa?”

Kakashi stood up slowly and turned around, frowning. Of course he had to be so stupid that he didn’t even realise he’d been leaning against a monument rather than some miraculously smooth boulder. The grooves he’d so gracelessly discovered were names carved into the stone, and seeing them sent a wave of uneasiness crashing into his chest. _I don’t know what this is. I don’t know who these people are. I hate not knowing anything._

He squinted at the top line of text. A memorial to the brave shinobi of Konoha who were killed in action. “Hn. I wonder if I have any family on here. Hatake, Hatake… hmm. Namikaze?”

Kakashi tapped his finger on the name thoughtfully. _Namikaze Minato… I know that name. Who is he?_ No matter how hard he thought it always seemed like he was running into a brick wall, his mind just an empty space to waste all his energy in. _Damn it, I’m not going to get anywhere with this._ His eyes slid over to the next name. _Uzumaki Kushina. Wait, that’s –_

_“Hey, Kashi-kun, can you feel it? He’s kicking.”_

_Her hand is over his on her rounded stomach, stopping him from running away. She looks all sweet and innocent, especially when she’s wearing that smile, but he knows that behind all that she has the ability to defeat him completely if he tries to escape. The baby kicks and he can’t help but flinch, and he’s annoyed at himself for showing weakness._

_Kushina crushes him to her chest and sighs happily. He’s grateful for his mask, because his head is squashed between her breasts and his face has become almost as red as her hair. “Kashi-kun, you’re such a big boy now. I remember when Minato first started teaching you and you were only up to my knees! You’re still super adorable, though.”_

_She lets go and Kakashi reels backwards, gulping in as much air as he can and trying to regain some sense of dignity. He’s fourteen, for Kami’s sake, practically an adult! He’s not some ‘adorable’ little child._

_A big hand claps him on the shoulder, and he looks up to see another smiling face. “In a few more months you’ll be able to babysit for us, won’t you Kakashi-kun?”_

_Kakashi looks at Kushina’s stomach warily. He’s not fond of babies, or children for that matter. They’re stupid and can’t do anything right, and are simply there as weaknesses to their parents. “Maybe,” he mutters, because as much as he dislikes children if it’s Minato-sensei’s child he’ll put up with it.  
Truth be told, he’s more than a little awed by his sunshine-haired teacher, and does as much as he can to hear praise from him. He’d stopped working to please his father the moment he’d –_

“Huh?” Kakashi blinked. _That was weird. It just stopped, like I was hitting another brick wall or something._

“Kakashi!”

Kakashi turned, half expecting to see Minato calling out to him. He couldn’t help but feel disappointed when he realised it was just Iruka, until he remembered with a jolt that he’d hurt this man and should probably stay away from him.

Some of his indecision must have been showing on his face because Iruka was marching towards him with a no-nonsense look on his face and something large and dark in his arms. “Don’t you dare run away from me again, baka.”

“Sorry?” Kakashi offered. Something in his gut was telling him that an angry Iruka was not something he ever wanted to deal with.

Iruka’s expression softened as he got closer. “No, it’s okay. Just don’t do it again. You must be freezing.”

He dropped most of his bundle at his feet and wrapped a towel around Kakashi’s shoulders, methodically pulling his arms out of the sleeves of the yukata before using the towel to pat him down. Kakashi just let him, somewhat stunned into submission. “What are you doing?”

“Drying you,” Iruka said easily. “I don’t want you to get a cold, it’ll make you feel even worse when we get back and Tsunade-sama yells at us.”

“Hn.” Kakashi glanced around warily. “Isn’t it a bad thing to do this kind of thing in public?”

“I wouldn’t have to do it if you hadn’t run away,” Iruka pointed out. “And not a lot of people really come here, anyway, except for on Naruto’s birthday. You’re probably the only one who comes here regularly.”

“I do?” Kakashi twisted his head to stare at the memorial stone, allowing Iruka to lift his arms and shove them through the sleeves of a clean, dry shirt. “I guess I come here to visit my sensei.”

Iruka paused in pulling down the shirt so it would cover Kakashi’s stomach. “Did you remember something?”

“Yeah.” Kakashi turned his eyes back to his lover. “When I was a child I hated children. Do I still hate children?”

Iruka smiled, thinking of Naruto. “You still hate some children.”

“My sensei’s name was Namikazi Minato, his name is on this stone. His partner was Uzumaki Kushina.” Kakashi hesitated, and then asked, “Do you know what happened to my father?”

“Your father?” Iruka had crouched down, patting his legs dry with the towel, but looked up at the question, a concerned expression on his face. “Why do you ask?”

Kakashi shivered as Iruka’s warm hands peeled the yukata away from his waist, swiftly replacing it with the towel. _I should be embarrassed by this. I should stop him, and do it myself. But… I like him touching me._ “I was in a memory and thinking about working hard to please Minato-sensei and then I started thinking about my father and the memory just stopped. Do you think that my mind was trying to lead me into a memory that has been removed?”  
Iruka helped him step into a dry pair of pants and stood up before answering, his voice soft. “It’s possible. All I know is that your father committed suicide; you were probably about eight or nine at the time. You never told me so I don’t know if it’s true or not, but the rumour was that you were the one who found his body.”

Kakashi stared at him, wide-eyed. “Do I – do I have any other family? Alive?”

Iruka shook his head, wrapping his arms around Kakashi’s neck and burying his face in his shoulder. “I’m sorry, ‘Kashi.”

_I’m alone. This man is the only person alive who cares about me and yet I hurt him._ Kakashi glanced back at the memorial stone. _No wonder I apparently spend so much time here._

Iruka shuddered against him and then drew back, seeming to pull himself together. “We should go back. Tsunade-sama’s probably spitting fire by now.”

“You didn’t get permission to come here?” Kakashi was surprised. For some reason he’d thought Iruka was a straight-laced, rule-abiding citizen. “Wait, how did you know I’d be here anyway?”

“You always come here when you need to work things out in your head,” Iruka said quietly. “And even when you don’t, I guess. I figured even if you didn’t remember coming here would be burned into your muscle memory. And no, I didn’t get permission to come here. Do you really think they’d let me come alone? They’d probably think you’d finally gone crazy, running away like that. I followed you out the window.”

“But why would you follow me after I hurt you?” Kakashi asked.

Iruka sighed. “Because I love you. You didn’t really hurt me, you just gave me a fright. I don’t actually mind if you’re a little possessive of me, it’s kind of sweet. Anyway, you’ll probably be more rational once you get your memories back.”

Kakashi rubbed his face with both hands, frustrated and fed up with not being able to understand anything. _Is it alright for me to just take this man as my lover, to use him like that? Or is it pretentious of me to think that I should be allowed him because the me of before was with him? He seems to think it’s okay, but he also seems to have poor judgement. Maybe it’s better for him if I leave him alone._

“Oh, I almost forgot.” Iruka grabbed the loose material of the shirt around Kakashi’s neck and made as if to pull it upwards, and then seemed to reconsider. His gaze drifted to Kakashi’s lips, flickered up to his eyes, and then back to his lips. “May I kiss you?”

Kakashi nodded dumbly, unable to deny such a request even though he had the sinking feeling that kissing would only further attach him to this man. No matter how he tried he couldn’t deny the fact that even the thought of just a kiss was making his heart beat faster.

Iruka smiled gently and buried his fingers in Kakashi’s hair, using it to pull him forward until their lips met. “I missed you,” he whispered before tilting his head to the left and brushing his tongue along the inside of Kakashi’s top lip.

Kakashi jerked at the touch, surprised, and instinctively dug his fingers into the material of Iruka’s shirt around his waist. He let his eyes slide shut and succumbed more than willingly to the feeling of Iruka’s tongue in his mouth, stroking it almost shyly with his own.

When they finally pulled apart Iruka clung to him, unwilling to let go, and Kakashi hesitantly embraced him in return. _This must be as difficult for him as it is for me,_ he realised. _Just by being like this I’m still hurting him._ “We need to leave, don’t we?” he asked, almost reluctantly.

Iruka nodded against his shoulder before pulling away, slipping the mask back over his nose and gripping his hand tightly. “We’ll face this together,” he said quietly.

 

“Where on earth did you get to?” Tsunade fumed, glaring daggers at Kakashi and Iruka. “Do you have any idea how much trouble you’ve caused me? You can’t just go running about on your own.”

“I’m sorry, Tsunade-sama,” Iruka said before Kakashi could open his mouth, bowing his head. “It was my fault. I just wanted a little more time alone with him before you steal him away to do your tests or whatever you intend to do. I won’t do it again.”

Kakashi jolted a little at the lie but was wise enough to keep his mouth shut.

Tsunade’s face softened. “I suppose I should have expected it, what with all you’ve been through together in the past few months. You needn’t have worried, though; I don’t intend to split you up. There isn’t much we can do until the brat regains what’s left of his memories so I have decided that the best way to deal with it is to have both of you stay here until that happens. You’ll get an ANBU guard, of course, just in case one of Kakashi’s many enemies decides that this is an opportune time to eliminate the Copy-nin.”

“ANBU?” Kakashi tipped his head to the side slightly, curious as to why the word gave him such an uneasy feeling in his stomach. For the time being he decided to ignore the fact that he somehow had ‘many enemies’ and filed the information away for later. “What is that?”

“ANBU is the rank of shinobi above jōnin,” Tsunade explained, watching him for any sort of reaction. “They are the elite of the elite, and answer only to me.”

Kakashi frowned. “Was I –” he started to ask, and then decided he really didn’t want to know. Instead he asked, “When will you tell me why my memories were removed?” because it would be expected of him.

“I’m sure you’ve already been told; your memories were removed because they were preventing you from being about to function properly in your daily life,” Tsunade said calmly.

“Are you going to tell me what the memories were?” he countered, bristling. It irked him no end that this woman wanted to decide what parts of his own life he should remember and which parts he would never know even existed.

Tsunade raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t that make the whole process of having them removed in the first place worthless? Just know that you wanted them gone. We’re still working on what it would be most beneficial to tell you.”

Kakashi scowled. “You mean you’re working on lies to tell me? Go to hell.”

“Kakashi! You can’t say that to the Hokage,” Iruka hissed, grabbing his arm.

“Why not? What’s she ever done for me?” Kakashi growled. “Am I supposed to just blindly believe everything she tells me and obey like a dog? I don’t even know who she is.”

“Yes. That’s what being a shinobi is all about, believe it or not,” Iruka murmured, “And like it or not, the time to complain is not right now.”

Tsunade shook her head in disgust. “I’ll come back when you’ve got more of your brain back, brat. Rat and Eagle will be watching over you, so if you get into trouble or you need anything just call their codenames and they’ll help. Hopefully with your memory will come manners, but I’m not counting on it.”

Iruka watched as she stormed out the door, letting out a sigh of relief as soon as he figured she was out of earshot. “Baka, if you’re going to remember anything remember this; don’t make Tsunade-sama angry. Because when she gets angry she breaks things, drinks a lot and wastes the village’s money on pokies machines.”

“Oh. I’ll do my best.” Kakashi looked around lazily. “So we’re alone, right? What are we supposed to do?”

“Oh!” Iruka beamed happily. “I didn’t even realise… Tsunade-sama just gave us an indefinite amount of time off to spend at an onsen together. I really – well, I’ve always wanted to come to a place like this with you.”

“What do you do at an onsen?” Kakashi asked. 

“It’s relaxing. You bathe in the hot springs and laze around in a yukata all day.” Iruka smiled dreamily. “It’ll be like a honeymoon.”

“Except for the fact that I don’t remember any of our relationship,” Kakashi pointed out.

“Oh, yeah.” Iruka’s face fell. “But still, I get to be with you. That makes me happy.”

“You seem really easy to please.”

Iruka shrugged. “I suppose so. I guess I’ve just lost so much that I’ve learned to be grateful for the things that I do have. And speaking of things I have, I brought something for you. Where did I put it?”

Iruka frowned, trying to remember what he’d done with the paper bag he’d brought from home. _Tsunade-sama brought me in here and I had it in my hand when I saw him, he called me over and pulled me down and I – we – had sex. So I must have dropped it then._ He wandered over to the futon and found the bag where he’d expected it to be, tucked into the side of the mattress. He bent down and picked it up, dusting it off, and then held it out to the curious jōnin. “I almost feel like I shouldn’t give this to you but, well, it’s yours and it might stir up some memories, considering you always had it with you.”

Kakashi took the bag and tipped it upside down, revealing a small, tattered orange book. “Icha Icha Paradise?”

Iruka held his hands up in front of himself defensively. “Hey, don’t look at me. You’re the one who reads it, I don’t share your taste in… well, I just don’t read porn.”

“Porn?” Kakashi flicked the book open to a random page and skimmed the text, his cheeks slowly gaining colour under the mask. Quickly he snapped the book shut again. “What am I supposed to learn from this?”

Iruka shrugged. “It’s just something you always carry, I figured it might trigger some memories. It doesn’t matter if it didn’t though, it was still worth a shot.”

Kakashi thought about what he’d just read and what Iruka had said about where they were, and a smile slowly spread across his face. “So, these hot springs. We bathe in them naked, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's as far as I've written. I'm not sure if I should write more - it's been a long time since I last touched this and there's a lot I don't like about it. But perhaps one day I'll get around to it.


	32. Chapter 32

He could happily stay here forever, Iruka decided. The room they’d been given had shoji doors that opened directly outside to a private, natural bath nestled between rocks and blooming forest scrub. Summer was creeping in and the nights were getting hot, so he’d left the doors open and a faint, warm breeze brushed against his face, rustling his hair around his shoulders.

The moon was full tonight, its reflection glowing and rippled on the water, casting strands of blue light through the open door and dappling his feet. Iruka wriggled his toes, lazily watching the shadows move. The nights here were so beautiful he sometimes forgot why he’d come in the first place. It never took long to bring him back down to reality, though.

Beside him, Kakashi snuffled in his sleep, rolling over and slipping a hand through the folds of Iruka’s yukata to rest over his heart. Iruka covered the hand with his own and sunk back into his pillow. Kakashi shuffled closer, curving his body into Iruka’s side.

That had taken some getting used to, Kakashi’s newfound constant desire for contact. Iruka enjoyed it, but he wondered just how long it would last. The Kakashi just before the ‘operation’ had slept very still and very silent, avoiding most bodily contact and ready to awaken at any given moment, and even before that he’d often been cautious and hesitant with his affection. This new Kakashi had an endless fascination with his body, and had spent a couple of days openly staring at him until he’d burst out with, “If you want to touch, just touch me!”

And so Kakashi had, reverently and methodically checking every part of his body in a way that made it seem he was cataloguing key points for later. His touch was light and hesitant, and made Iruka shiver in inappropriate ways that he fought to control.

After that Kakashi had stopped the blatant staring, but Iruka could feel him doing it when the jōnin thought he wasn’t looking. Of course, his control slipped when he slept, and every morning Iruka would wake up in a tangle of long, pale limbs.

Iruka brushed an absentminded hand through the jōnin’s silver hair and Kakashi pushed closer to him, making a humming noise in the back of his throat. “I wonder,” Iruka said quietly, staring out at the moon floating on the water, “Will you ever be Sharingan no Kakashi again?”

He couldn’t imagine it, not with the almost child-like way Kakashi was acting now, but he also could not quite imagine a Kakashi who didn’t go on missions and come home nonchalantly dripping with blood. He didn’t want to leave this place because here he could block out real life and not have to think about the future. He was afraid for the day they’d have to leave. Because indefinitely, at some point, Tsunade was going to want her ‘weapon’ back.

He could tell that Kakashi was regaining his memories; he’d sit there blankly for up to two hours at a time and then suddenly snap out of it and frown. Inoichi had said that returning to normal would be a long and difficult process, particularly with the knowledge Kakashi had managed to store up over the years, because his brain constantly had to categorise and reorganise things.

Kakashi didn’t like to talk about what he could and couldn’t remember, and though Iruka didn’t understand why he was keeping it to himself he didn’t push the issue.

It took him a while to realise the uncomfortable pressure on his chest was actually the jōnin poking him. Iruka rolled his head to the side. “You’re awake?”

Kakashi didn’t bother lifting his face from where it was, buried in Iruka’s side. “You should sleep,” he mumbled, voice muffled by the cloth of Iruka’s yukata.

Iruka lifted a hand and ruffled the silver hair lightly, smiling. “I’m not tired.”

After a short pause Kakashi grunted and flopped onto his back, eyeing Iruka suspiciously. “What is it you’re thinking about that keeps you from sleeping like this?”

Iruka raised an eyebrow. Well, that was part of the old Kakashi that hadn’t changed. He could obviously still slide easily from a deep sleep into attack mode. “It’s nothing, I just like to watch the moon.”

Kakashi snorted. “Considering the circumstances, if you weren’t bothered by anything right now you’d be an idiot.” He pushed himself up on his elbows and stared contemplatively out at the sky. “And I don’t think you’re an idiot. Are you?”

Iruka thought about Genma and Raidō, and their utter disbelief at the fact that he still wanted to be with Kakashi after all that had happened. “Some people think I am.”

Kakashi’s mouth twitched, and he turned his head to study Iruka’s face carefully. “Are you regretting it?”

“Regretting what?” Iruka frowned.

“Being with me. I don’t have any specific memories of you, so you could have just left me and gotten on with your life. None of this complicated mess.”

“Ah. Are you feeling guilty?” Iruka tugged Kakashi’s nose gently. “Don’t. I like it here. And I’m really not ready for a life without you in it. Though,” he added, “I don’t want you to feel like you’re indebted to me and have to stay by my side.”

Kakashi dismissed the comment as irrelevant and ploughed on regardless. “Something is worrying you though, right?”

Iruka stared out at the water for a long moment, and then dropped his gaze to his lap. “I can’t really say that nothing is bothering me, but I am quite content here and it’s nothing you should worry about.”

Kakashi’s eye narrowed for an almost indiscernible moment. “I’d rather you didn’t try to keep things from me for my own protection. I’ve had enough of that from Old Lady Blondie trying to keep me from knowing what my own memories are.”

“And whose fault is that?” Iruka retorted immediately, without thinking. He sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”

Kakashi studied him warily. “You’re mad about the fact that I got my memories removed? It is unfair, I guess, that I don’t remember and yet you do. I could always use the sharingan to see the memories from your point of view.” He frowned. “At least I think I can use it like that.”

Iruka struggled to keep the horror out of his face. If Kakashi saw – _recorded, even_ – what he’d seen and felt when Hound attacked him then Kakashi would probably lock himself up and never talk to anyone again. “It’s fine,” he choked out. “That won’t be necessary.”

Kakashi eyed him suspiciously, so he quickly added, “Really, it’s not the fact that the memories are gone that bothers me. I’m kind of glad they are. It’s the fact that you didn’t talk to me about it first.”

Honestly, he was so glad that Kakashi was alive and well and talking sanely to him that he’d quickly forgotten his annoyance at being left out of the loop. Knowing the jōnin as well as he did he should have realised Kakashi would never have kept him clued in on his plans, instead steamrolling ahead with his misguided attempts at pleasing everyone. However, it was as good an excuse as any to keep the jōnin from figuring out what he was really worried about.

“I apologise,” Kakashi said softly. “I don’t remember, but I’m sure I had my reasons.”

“Yes, you always have your reasons.” Iruka chuckled. “You were probably just planning on being some sort of martyr.”

“Does it bother you that I’m not who I was before?”

“What makes you say that?” Iruka asked.

Kakashi paused before answering, gazing up at the roof. “Memories. I can see myself doing and saying things that I don’t think I’d ever do now. It’s like watching someone else’s life rather than my own. Even this,” he tugged at the edge of his mask, before rolling it down under his chin, “I don’t get why I have to wear it. It’s stupid.”

“I guess technically you don’t have to wear it,” Iruka said slowly, “But you might want to think it through a little more before going out in public like that. Seeing your face would be a huge shock and everyone would talk about it for days. You’d probably be followed everywhere, too. Besides, I assume you have some sort of deep reason for wearing it that you haven’t figured out yet.”

“Oh, no,” Kakashi disputed, “The only reason seems to be to create a barrier between me and other people.” He paused, the space between his eyebrows creasing. “Was I really such a lonely person?”

Iruka hesitated before speaking. “I can’t say for certain you were lonely, because you would never show anyone that, but if I were you I wouldn’t have been able to bear it. Although, something must have changed in the last few years because you were the one who approached me.”

“I did?” Kakashi tipped his head to one side. “Why?”

Iruka laughed. “Who knows? Honestly, I still don’t even know. You never told me. But for some reason you found me interesting and followed me around until I finally got sick of it and asked you to go on a date with me, if only so I’d have a chance to weasel your reason for stalking me out of you.”

Kakashi blinked, his eye drifting out of focus for a moment before snapping back in again, his pale cheeks tinting red. “I kissed you.”

Iruka scratched at the back of his head, unable to stop a grin from forming. “That’s right. I suggested dinner, and you thrust your tongue in my mouth. It was surprising, to say the least.”

“It didn’t upset you?” Kakashi looked genuinely concerned. “I was a little too forward, I think.”

“Well, I have to admit it was unexpected,” Iruka mused, “But you _are_ a very talented kisser, and it immediately answered my question of why you were stalking me, so I was actually quite pleased.”

Kakashi still looked uncertain. “But that makes me some sort of weirdo, right?”

Iruka rolled his eyes, smiling gently. “Kakashi, I knew you were a weirdo long before that. So did everyone else, for that matter. Anyway, it’s a bit too late to be worrying about something like that, isn’t it?”

“I suppose so.” Kakashi didn’t look convinced.

Iruka bonked the side of the jōnin’s head with his fist good-naturedly. “Honestly, don’t let that bother you. It happened a lifetime ago.”

Kakashi looked down at his lap. “But it feels like it happened just now,” he whispered, as if to himself.

Iruka shivered involuntarily. _If he’s vividly reliving his memories as they return to him, then what if – what if Inoichi missed some of the bad ones? There’s no such thing as a fail proof jutsu._ “Well, is it a nice memory, at least?” he asked, forcing cheer into his voice.

Kakashi looked up again, blinking slowly. “Yes. I like it,” he said quietly, but he didn’t quite sound like he believed himself.

Uneasy, Iruka fixed him with a troubled smile. “Perhaps we should get some sleep, hm? Tsunade-sama will probably be coming around tomorrow to do your check-up and you don’t want to be tired for that.”

“Yes,” Kakashi agreed, settling down beside him obediently. “I was telling you to sleep in the first place.”

Iruka stared out at the water for a while more, neglecting to take his own advice and sleep. _What do I do, Kakashi? There’s something you’re not telling me, and I don’t know how to fix this. What can I do to make you love me again?_

**_  
_**

Kakashi startled awake, barely managing to keep himself from flinging his arms out and nailing Iruka in the stomach. He waited until his pounding heartbeat slowed to its normal pace then very slowly wiggled out of the chūnin’s embrace. He had no way of telling whether what he’d just seen was a memory or just a dream, but he figured it didn’t matter either way because none of it felt real to him anyway. Careful to make no sound, he padded over to the water’s edge and stared down at his rippling reflection. _Who am I, really?_

The picture Iruka painted of him was very different from the image the pigtailed lady – Tsunade-sama – implied he had, and he felt like neither of them were right. He liked Iruka, he really did, but the person that the chūnin pined after – well, it wasn’t really him, was it? He had the memories, or he was slowly getting them, but had they really happened? Or had they just been implanted in his mind? And speaking of implants, there was something funky going on with the eye that Iruka insisted he always keep covered. He knew what the eye was technically, a sharingan from the bloodline of the Uchiha clan, but as to how he’d managed to acquire it he had no idea. _I hope I didn’t kill someone to steal it,_ he thought, his blood chilling in his veins at the idea. _I’d rather not be that person._

He focused his thoughts on the sharingan, hoping it would prompt a memory to come, but all it did was give him a headache. Sighing, he dipped a toe in the water, fragmenting his reflection. “You and me both, buddy,” he muttered to the distorted image of his face. _Both of us are just hazy echoes of the person ‘Kakashi’ is meant to be._

A flicker of something came to the back of his mind, and without putting any thought to it he brushed through a short series of hand seals, feeling a spike of chakra rush downwards to pool at his feet. _It’s kind of… tingly. And I feel like I am meant to –_

He stepped out onto the water. To his surprise, he didn’t fall in, his feet instead resting on the shifting surface. _Wow. That is cool._ Carefully, Kakashi took a couple more steps, watching the ripples spread out under his feet as he walked. He clenched his toes, marvelling at the fact that the soles of his feet were warm and wet while the rest of him stayed dry. Impulsively he jumped, adjusting his balance as he landed to keep himself upright, and grinned to himself. _I wonder what else I can do?_ He took a few more tentative steps, and then jogged across the pool to the other side, stopping before he got to the rocks. Something tugged at his mind and, recognising it as a memory, he let it come.

_Kakashi is standing at the edge of a hot pool, flanked by his sensei, a dark-haired boy and a brown-haired girl. His sensei has his hand on his shoulder and is grinning genially. The dark-haired boy is jerking his head around, ogling at the surroundings and dancing on his feet. “Minato-sensei, are we going swimming?”_

_The girl beside him blushes pink, and darts a glance at Kakashi from underneath her lashes. “I didn’t bring my swimsuit.”_

_The dark-haired boy turns to her, incredulous. “Eeh? But it’s a hot spring, you’re not supposed to wear a swimsuit.”_

_The girl’s face adopts a darker shade, and Minato holds up his hand for silence. “It’s fine, Rin, we are not here to bathe. We are here to train. You’ll only get wet if you don’t pay attention.”_

_The dark-haired boy looks disappointed. “But I’ve never been to a hot spring before.”_

_“Well, if you master what I’m about to teach you fast enough then you’ll have time to bathe, won’t you, Obito?” Minato smiles, then turns to Kakashi. “Now, Kakashi-kun, if you’d like to demonstrate for me?”_

_Kakashi nods once, then turns and walks out onto the surface of the water. Rin gasps, and Obito scowls. “How come he can do that?”_

_“That is what you’re here to learn,” Minato says gently. “Balancing yourself on the shifting surface of the water is slightly more difficult than running up trees, and it will help you further hone your chakra control.”_

_Obito scowls. “It can’t be that difficult if he can do it.”_

_“Wait, Obi-”_

_There is a loud splash, and Kakashi smirks at the now-drenched boy. “Well, looks like you got your swim already.”_

_“Kakashi,” Minato chides gently, extending a hand to Obito, who steadfastly ignores it and hoists himself out of the pool under his own steam._

_“Just you wait,” Obito boasts, jabbing a finger in Kakashi’s direction, eyes narrowed in determination, “One day I’ll be Hokage, and then you won’t be laughing.”_

_For a split second his hair flashes blond and his eyes lighten to a clear sky blue. “Believe it!”_

Kakashi was jerked out of his trance by another loud splash, only this time he was the one crashing down into the water. The water was warm, and therefore not altogether an unpleasant shock, but he kind of wished he’d thought to take off the yukata first. Thin as the material may be, it still clung to him like an itching second skin.

“I’m never gonna get used to that,” he muttered to himself, wading back to the side of the pool as gracefully as he could manage fully clothed and sopping wet. Being pushed into and pulled out of his memories was draining in a way he hadn’t expected, and often left him confused and disoriented for some time afterwards.

 _What was that all about anyway,_ he wondered as he towelled himself dry, grateful that Iruka had somehow managed to sleep through his incompetence. _That memory didn’t help anything. Though I wonder… that’s strange._ No matter how forcefully he prodded, attempts to burst a memory bubble about what had happened to either Obito or Rin came up with nothing.Kakashi scowled. Was it always going to be like this? Would he forever have to rely on others to tell him what had happened in his past? Probably, because from what Inoichi had said about the jutsu his memories were not hidden, they’d been removed completely.

 _I can probably assume he didn’t become Hokage anyway,_ he surmised, and was surprised by the wave of guilt that almost suffocated him at the thought. _Should I feel guilty about that?_ He felt wretched not knowing.

Kakashi tensed suddenly, feeling a change in the air, and instinctively shifted into an attack position.

Tsunade, sliding back the screen door, nodded in approval. “Very good.”

Kakashi glanced down at his hands. He had very little idea what the stance he was holding was good for, only that it had seemed the right thing to do at the time. He shrugged. “I didn’t think.”

Tsunade pondered that and seemed to reach some sort of a conclusion, but chose not to share it with him. “How is your memory coming along?” she asked instead.

Kakashi shrugged again loosely. “I remember bits of things. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be remembering though, so asking me doesn’t really help, does it?”

“You know who you are, though?”

 _No, no I don’t,_ his mind voiced bitterly. _I know who I’m supposed to be, but –_ “Hatake Kakashi, jōnin of Konoha, former ANBU captain. Rumoured to be the master of a thousand jutsu.”

“ _Rumoured_ to be?” Tsunade asked, one fine brow arched.

“Well, I don’t actually recall any of these thousand jutsu. And even if I did I don’t think I’d be able to execute them.”

“Why not?” Tsunade demanded.

“Because I’m not the Kakashi you think I am. I know stats and facts – but they’re just empty words. But I don’t know anything about the person I’m actually supposed to be.”

Tsunade looked contemplative. “Perhaps you should stop thinking about the person you think you’re supposed to be and concentrate instead on the person you think you _are_.”

Kakashi looked stricken. “But what if Iruka-sensei doesn’t like who I am now?”

“Oh? It comes down to that, does it?” Tsunade gave an amused smirk. “That’s kind of… hopelessly romantic. It’s not something I would have ever imagined of you, Kakashi.”

“See? I’m already different than I should be,” Kakashi pointed out.

“It’s something _I_ have seen you do though,” Iruka interjected, sitting up suddenly and rubbing his eyes. “The Kakashi who dated me was forever worrying – pointlessly, I might add – that he would do something to put me off or scare me away. I saw sides of Kakashi that most people never got to see, so please don’t base who you think you are off what other people tell you. Don’t even try to piece yourself together through things that I tell you. Stop thinking so hard and act naturally.”

For some reason finding out that the person he had been had been nervous around Iruka too made him feel a little more calm.

“You two feel free to talk some more,” Tsunade said abruptly. “I have a meeting to go to.”

Kakashi frowned. “You’ve finished with the check-up?”

“Yes, yes, for now,” Tsunade said, waving her hand impatiently. “I’ll be back later to do things properly, I just forgot about the thing I was supposed to do.”

With that, she breezed out the door, pulling it shut behind her. Kakashi turned to Iruka. “Did that seem suspicious at all to you?”

“It did, a bit.” Iruka scratched his nose, yawning. “But then I don’t pretend to understand the way genius shinobi think. Maybe she did just have a scatterbrained moment.”

Kakashi narrowed his eyes at the door. “I don’t trust her.”

Iruka shrugged, smiling. “Well, as far as I’m aware you’ve always had difficulty trusting people, so no surprises there. Anyway, why are you all wet?”

Kakashi looked down at himself. He’d almost forgotten about his tumble into the hot spring. “I performed some sort of jutsu and went walking on top of the water, but lost my concentration and fell in,” he explained, deciding to leave out the memory for now.

“Ah. Well, please don’t just stand there like that, you’ll get a cold. Dry yourself off.” Iruka tossed a towel at him and stared at him expectantly.

“Aren’t you going to do it for me?” Kakashi leered, then clapped a hand over his mouth as Iruka looked startled. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

Iruka held up his hands. “No, no, you don’t have to apologise. That was just – it’s not something I’ve heard you do for a long time. I was surprised. But if you really want me to help you out, I don’t mind.”

Kakashi considered it for a moment, but ended up shaking his head. “I’m fine.” He’d been trying not to make things any more uncomfortable than they were, though he realised that ‘uncomfortable’ was his only option after stripping down and figuring out that he had nothing to change into. He wrapped the towel around his waist self-consciously and sat down, wondering what the right thing to do next was.

“So you’re remembering jutsu,” Iruka said conversationally, breaking the awkward silence.

“I guess so,” Kakashi returned. “Hey, what do you know about my genin team?”

“Genin team? You mean Naruto and Sakura and – well, the three you looked after?” Iruka asked, sounding surprised at the change in topic.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. He wasn’t so messed up that he’d miss the way Iruka had avoided a certain name there, but those weren’t the kids he was concerned with right now. “No, I mean when _I_ was a child. What do you know of Obito and Rin?”

Iruka shrugged, looking slightly uncomfortable. “You never really talked much about your team to me or anyone else. From the bits I gathered Obito was a happy-go-lucky troublesome type of child and Rin was a sweet girl aiming to be a healer nin.”

“I know that,” Kakashi said shortly, frustrated with himself for not being able to remember, “What I want to know is what happened to them. Did they die?”

“I don’t know about Rin, but I have never met her so I assume she passed away,” Iruka said quietly. “I’m sorry, Kakashi.”

“And Obito?” Kakashi pressed. He felt that he urgently needed to know the answer, though he couldn’t put his finger on why.

Iruka crawled forward and cupped Kakashi’s face in his hands gently, stroking his thumb over the material that covered the jōnin’s left eye. “When Obito died he gifted this to you. I think… I think you cared about him very much.”

Kakashi closed his other eye – his own eye – and drew in a shaky breath. _Oh._ Well that explained why the memory had come after he’d been thinking about the sharingan. His mind had sent him Obito as an explanation.

His brain stuttered to a stop and his nails dug half moon scars into his palms as he came to the sudden shocking realisation that he would never remember the final moments of any person who was ever important to him – because the memory of their passing had been deemed too painful for him to retain.

“How am I supposed to live like this?” he croaked, opening his eyes into Iruka’s confused and concerned expression.

“Kakashi?” Iruka said tentatively, and Kakashi shook his head.

“People are essentially just their memories, good and bad. You can’t just remove the bad ones; it leaves you unbalanced, and creates gaping holes that make no sense and make you feel empty.”

Iruka bit his lip. “I don’t know what to say to you,” he said quietly. “You were the one who decided on this, on your own. I – all I can do is stay by your side now.”

Kakashi rubbed a hand against his forehead tiredly, trying to calm himself down. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to blame you, I’m just trying to understand why I would have wished this on myself but I can’t, because I have no idea who I was before or what was happening.”

Iruka stared down at his lap, hands buried in the folds of his yukata. “Kakashi, what can I do?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper. “I hate just sitting here and watching you struggle all by yourself. I’m desperate to help you but I don’t know how. Please, please let me do something.”

Kakashi sat very very still for a long time, before glancing up to meet Iruka’s eyes, his own heavy and full of regret. “I’m sorry,” was all he said, because they both knew there was nothing that could be done.


	33. Chapter 33

Kakashi sniffed the air cautiously. The hair on the back of his neck was standing up and he had an uneasy feeling in his bones. “Get down,” he hissed to Iruka, who just stared at him blankly. “On the ground,” he insisted, making a downward motion with his hand.

Iruka blinked, confused, but lay down obediently to humour him. “You know Kakashi, this – ”

He was cut off by the sound of a shuriken slicing through the patch of air his head had occupied just seconds previously.

“Shit.” Kakashi leapt in front of his partner, eyes darting left and right. _I need a weapon. Any weapon… There are no weapons._ He cursed he fact that he was facing an unknown enemy with unknown goals weaponless and dressed only in a towel, but just for a moment before his logical brain took over. _I am a weapon._

If he concentrated properly he could feel their chakra, as well-cloaked as it was. _One, two, three –_ he glanced to his far right _– four. They must be strong to hide themselves like that._ The figures blended into the walls, virtually undetectable. He wondered uncomfortably how long they’d been watching before he’d manage to sniff them out. What could they be after? He was hit by a sudden burst of clarity. _Me. They want ‘the copy-nin’ while he’s not much of a threat. Well, I guess I’ll have to show them I’m still a force to be reckoned with._

His fingers moved on their own, forming seals faster than he would have ever thought possible, and the water in the pool behind him rose to form a great, shimmering dragon. At his signal the dragon twisted, shooting forward and sweeping all four of the hidden ninja off their feet, taking them by surprise. The water surrounded them and they struggled to get out, but he’d sealed the edges so they would slowly run out of breath and drown. But drowning is not good enough for someone who wanted to hurt Iruka, he thought, and then his hands were making more seals, a crackling ball of blue lightening forming in his right hand. _They deserve so much –_

“Stop!”

Kakashi jumped, startled, the lightening disappearing and the water dragon crashing to the ground. The four attacking ninja dropped to their knees, gasping for breath. Behind them stood the blonde pig-tailed woman he’d come to dislike, grinning. “That was very good, brat.”

He blinked, pointing at his own chest. “Me?”

“Yes, you. You said you didn’t remember any jutsu, but look what you’ve just done to some of my best men! Granted, they were probably off-guard because of how, well, un-Kakashi-like you look, but you still managed to get them pretty good.”

Kakashi scowled, beginning to understand. “You sent intruders in here to test me?”

“Yes, and you passed with flying colours.” Tsunade seemed pleased with herself; Kakashi couldn’t fathom why. “You’re probably about ready to be sent back to work. We’ll start you on simple B ranks first, of course, nothing you can’t handle.”

“No!” Iruka scrambled to his feet, a desperate look in his eyes. “Please don’t send him away, he’s not ready. He doesn’t understand enough. Look at him, for Kami’s sake.”

Kakashi looked down at himself. He was dressed in nothing but a towel, but given the location that didn’t seem like too much of a big deal. Maybe the problem was that it wasn’t a very “Kakashi’ thing to do? That must be it, he decided. Someone who walked around in full uniform all the time with half his face covered would probably feel uncomfortable wearing only a towel. He wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he also wasn’t desperate to run and hide. What he did want was to understand what was going on.

“He remembered two powerful jutsu under duress,” Tsunade explained logically. “Inoichi has already said that it may help him regain his memories if he is to return to a normal routine. And as you well know, ‘normal’ for him is missions.”

Iruka bit his lip. “But he doesn’t remember how to behave on a mission,” he said quietly.

Tsunade looked like she was losing patience with him. “He will get a partner, of course. Did you think you could just stay here forever, Iruka? He’s not the only one who needs to return to work, you know.”

“Can you not talk about me as if I am not here?” Kakashi interrupted, irritated. “I’m mentally unstable, not deaf or blind.”

“Yes, yes.” Tsunade smiled at him gratuitously, like to a petulant child. “I will be back tomorrow to see you with your new mission, after I have decided on a mission partner for you. Iruka-sensei, you have tomorrow to get all of your notes in order and will start teaching again the following day. Enjoy your last night here.”

She swept out of the room without waiting for so much as a reply, the four thoroughly wet and defeated ninja trailing behind her. Kakashi turned to Iruka. “She didn’t let me reply.”

Iruka gave him a weak smile. “She didn’t need to. She’s the Hokage, and we have no choice but to do what she says.”

“Oh.” Kakashi sat down, cross-legged, and picked bits of fluff off his towel absent-mindedly. “Well that sucks.”

Iruka snorted. “Yes, yes it does. I really don’t want you to go, but I have to admit that she’s right. Going back to your old ways would probably help dislodge your memories a lot faster than staying here lazing around.” He worried his bottom lip in between his teeth unconsciously.

Kakashi watched his face, intrigued. “You don’t want me to go ‘back to my old ways’, do you?”

Iruka looked down, scratching his scar awkwardly. “Truthfully? No. I kinda had a dream where I thought you’d be happier if you never had to go back to that, but I knew it was unrealistic from the very start. Still, I just wanted to keep you like this for as long as I could.” 

“Like ‘this’? What is like ‘this?’ ” Kakashi asked, raising an eyebrow. “You mean having only the memories you want me to remember and not knowing who I am?”

“No.” Iruka half-smiled. “I mean not a weapon of Konoha.”

“Oh. Is it bad if I become that?”

Iruka scraped his hands through his hair, tugging on the ends. “Yes. No. I don’t know. It’s really not that simple.”

Kakashi stared at him.

“Well, it’s not like I’m going to hate you for going back to that.” Iruka stumbled over his words, hurrying to fix any dispute before it happened, “It’s more like I don’t want you to do it for your own sake. I don’t want your self worth to be defined by how useful you are to Konoha, as a weapon, because you are so much more than that and I hate it when she treats you as one.”

“But that’s what I was before?” Kakashi said slowly.

“Somewhat,” Iruka admitted. “You were still kind of learning the difference between ‘Kakashi the shinobi’ and ‘Kakashi the human’.”

“I should separate those?”

“I guess… not? I mean, that separation is what created this whole mess in the first place. I think what I’m trying to say is that you as a shinobi is not the whole you, and you are allowed to have a personality outside of that. Maybe.”

Kakashi frowned. None of that made sense to him.

Iruka looked frustrated. “Just do what you think is right. Don’t worry about what Tsunade-sama or I think so much.”

“What if what I want is to not go on the mission?” Kakashi asked.

Iruka gave a thin-lipped, tight smile. “I don’t think you’ll get that choice.”

 

Despite the fact that he truly did believe that being on a mission was good for Kakashi, Iruka was worried. What if he got hurt? What if seeing blood triggered something in him and made him crazy? And worst of all, what if Tsunade managed to turn him back into an emotionless killing machine? It was entirely possible, the way the jōnin’s mind was pretty much a blank slate right now.

_For now I should concentrate on things I can control,_ he told himself sternly. Tsunade had come for Kakashi, just as she’d said she would, and refused to give Iruka any of the details of his mission. “There’s no point in you needlessly worrying, Sensei,” she’d said, which only served to further fuel his anxiety. He didn’t even know which shinobi had been picked to work alongside Kakashi. He hoped it was someone like Raidō.

Kakashi had left four days ago, before he’d awoken. He’d been kind of pissed about that, but he didn’t have long to reflect on the jōnin’s terrible manners as he’d had to shift his attention to the kids he needed to teach. They’d been happy to see him again; or at least he thought that was what their reaction meant. They could just have been excited over another change in the classroom. From what he could see they hadn’t learnt anything at all from his substitute, except perhaps sneakier ways of passing notes.

The bell rang out, and Iruka resisted the urge to heave a sigh of relief. “You can all head home now, kids. Remember, memorise pages sixteen to eighteen of the shinobi handbook for your homework, okay? I’ll be quizzing you on it tomorrow.”

Teaching took a lot more effort than he remembered, and though he still enjoyed seeing the kids smiling faces when they finally got something right the whole thing just seemed to suck the energy out of him. He’d obviously been away for too long.

Iruka sighed, resting his chin on the desk. He didn’t even know when Kakashi would be back; Tsunade refused to tell him, and though he figured it wouldn’t be a long one right off the bat, ‘long’ relevant to Kakashi-grade missions wasn’t something he’d ever managed to figure out. He could be back today, or he could be away until next week. The not knowing and continuous worrying drove Iruka crazy.

Tiredly he swept the files off the top of his desk and into his open bag, cursing to himself as some of the papers fluttered out of reach onto the floor. “It’s your own fault for being lazy,” he chastised himself, snatching up the papers and stuffing them into the bag with the rest. “Go home and sleep. Kakashi will be fine, he always is.”

He gave the whiteboard a half-hearted wipe clean and stepped out of the room, locking the door behind him. His head hummed with thoughts as he trudged home, though he tried his best to stop it. He hadn’t really talked to anyone since coming back, and he wasn’t ultimately sure he wanted to. He’d seen Genma a couple of times and each time the older man had seemed like he wanted to call out to him but been stopped by Raidō. Iruka was glad. He didn’t think he could handle the amount of questions Genma would have. No matter how caring the other man tried to be, he was still very anti-Kakashi and Iruka didn’t want a reason to get mad at him.

He fumbled with his key in the lock and dismissed his wards with a habitual wave of his hand, dumping his bag just inside the apartment as soon as he’d managed to get the door open. He breathed a sigh of relief as he slammed it shut behind him. Other people’s stares were tiring, and he was grateful he no longer had to hold up any image of normalcy. 

Iruka shucked off his shoes and his flak jacket, pulling his hair out of its tie and rubbing his temples. After a moment’s thought he slipped off his hitai ate as well, and wandered into the kitchen to pour himself a drink. 

“At least you have no marking to do tonight,” he told himself optimistically, trying to ignore the fact that that meant he was free to do whatever he wanted, and ‘what he wanted’ to do always ended up being worrying about Kakashi. Iruka rolled his eyes at himself and knocked back the drink, dropping the glass in the sink to wash later. “Surely you have other things that are important to you? Not just one particularly stubborn, psychotic jōnin?”

_Apparently not,_ his mind replied wryly, and Iruka groaned aloud. “I might as well sleep it off then, huh?”

He headed to the bedroom with the intent to collapse on his bed, but stopped short. His bed was already occupied. “Ka-Kakashi?”

Iruka rubbed his eyes. He wasn’t hallucinating, was he? Not seeing just what he wanted to see? Because what his eyes were telling him was that lying on his bed in a tiny, curled up ball, in full uniform, was the jōnin who’d been setting his mind on fire with worry for the past week – no, not the past week, for the past _forever._

“Kakashi?” Iruka tried again tentatively, stepping further into the room, “Why is your hair purple?”

Kakashi opened one eye – thankfully his normal eye – and stretched like a cat, yawning. He’d tucked his mask under his chin, and Iruka desperately tried to redirect his attention away from his lips.

“Maa, I didn’t understand the traps,” Kakashi said lazily.

Iruka blinked stupidly, and Kakashi pointed to the open window. “Your traps. I forgot you had them.”

“Oh.” Iruka smiled, thankful it wasn’t something serious. “Ya’know Kakashi, climbing in through people’s windows like that is really dangerous. I could’ve had decapitating traps or something, and I’d be pretty pissed off if I accidentally killed you.”

Kakashi grinned. “But you don’t set traps like that, do you? Don’t wanna accidentally hurt any of your little pranking rug-rats. You just want to prank them back ten times as hard.”

Iruka tutted, pointing an accusing finger at the jōnin. “That’s not the point! You could have – wait, are you even supposed to be here?”

Kakashi shrugged loosely.

Iruka narrowed his eyes. “Did you run away from your partner?”

Kakashi blinked innocently.

“Did you?” Iruka growled.

“Well, it’s not like I deserted on the mission,” Kakashi conceded, “I just told him he could file the report himself like a big boy. I don’t like filing reports.”  
Iruka raised an eyebrow. “And you didn’t consider that Tsunade might want to debrief you afterwards?”

Kakashi scowled and sat up, folding his arms across his chest. “I don’t like her.”

Iruka sighed. “You don’t have to like her. But you do have to keep her happy. She’s the one that pays you and keeps you alive.”

“I wanted to see you,” Kakashi said stubbornly.

“Well that’s lovely, ‘Kashi, but – you knew which apartment is mine?”

“Yes.” Kakashi shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“How much do remember?”

“Enough to make things right.” Kakashi smiled at him crookedly.

Iruka looked confused. “Make what right? Kakashi, please don’t do anything stupid.”

Kakashi ran his hands through his hair and sighed, before looking at Iruka seriously. “I did tell my mission partner to do the files by himself, but I followed him. I listened to what he said about me, and what she said about me. Everyone is treating me like a child because I don’t have all my memories, forgetting that I still have the capacity to comprehend adult concepts. Basically the blonde one believes I’m a blank slate that can be moulded back into the perfect killer.”

“No,” Iruka breathed, then clapped a hand over his mouth.

Kakashi smiled wryly. “But I’m not a blank slate. Even if somehow I’ve been absolved of all my past crimes simply because I can no longer remember them, there’s something still up here,” he tapped the side of his head, “That’s stopping me from following the path she wants.”

“What is that?” Iruka asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

“You,” Kakashi said simply. “You’re in all of my thoughts. Most of my childhood and all of my adolescent years have been wiped away. All that’s left is miles upon miles   
of deadly jutsu, and you.”

“And me,” Iruka echoed faintly. “Why me?”

“Because nearly everything else in my life impacted me badly.” Kakashi shrugged, as if it were obvious. “I don’t have all my memories, but ninety percent of what I do have is thoughts of you, time with you, listening to you, smelling you, tasting you, watching you. Can you handle that?”

“I didn’t realise.” Iruka bit his lip. “Am I really all you have to hold on to?”

“Well, there’s a little bit of ‘team seven’ but that’s something completely different.” Kakashi pulled a face. “In any case, your input has rendered me incapable of becoming the emotionless killer I’m supposed to be.”

Iruka allowed a small smile. “It’s probably treasonous to the village, but I’m glad. I want to keep you like this.”

Kakashi looked surprised. “Really?”

Iruka nodded, but changed what he was going to say at the sound of impatient knocking on his door. “That’s probably Tsunade coming to see you.”

Kakashi just continued to stare at him with something akin to joy on his face. Iruka nudged him. “Oi. You coming with me, or do I have to face her by myself?”

“It’s fine.” Kakashi stood up as if in a trance and brushed past him. “I know what to say to her now anyway.”

“Wait!” Iruka shook himself out of shock and ran after him. “Please don’t say anything stupid or offensive.” 

Kakashi turned and flashed him a huge grin. “Maa, who do you think I am?”

Then he swung open the door.

“Brat,” Tsunade growled, “Why did you come here and not to see me?”

“Because Iruka-sensei is much more attractive than you,” Kakashi said pleasantly.

Tsunade scowled, then took a step back in surprise. “Wait, what happened to your hair?”

Kakashi shrugged. “Passing tribe of leprechauns took offense to me?”

“Never mind, that’s not important,” Tsunade muttered, rolling her eyes. “Now let me in, I need to do a check up on you.”

“It’s okay, you don't need to. I’m completely fine.” Kakashi didn’t budge from his position in the doorway.

Iruka yanked him backwards before Tsunade could retort. “You’re being rude,” he hissed, and flashed a blinding smile at their leader. “I’m sorry, Tsunade-sama. Come in.”

Tsunade stepped into the apartment hesitantly, keeping a close eye on the jōnin. “Your partner said you performed well,” she said eventually.

Kakashi nodded, smiling in a way that set Iruka’s teeth on edge. “Yes, I did.”

“And that you will perform better in future,” Tsunade continued. “He cleared you for A-ranks, so long as you stick with a partner for now.”

“That’s where he was wrong,” Kakashi said, still smiling.

“Wrong?” Tsunade asked.

“Yes.” Kakashi outright grinned. “I won’t be taking any A-ranks. Ever.”

Tsunade frowned. “May I ask why you think that?”

“Oh, I don’t think that. I know it. I don’t want to take A-ranks or S-ranks, therefore I won’t.”

Tsunade’s frown deepened. “And what makes you think you get to decide that, brat?”

“Aside from the fact that I am fully capable of proving myself too mentally unstable to perform any mission whatsoever if it comes down to it, I know the full shinobi legislation. And that says a shinobi who has been in service for over twenty years may retire. So I am within my rights to refuse any mission as I see fit.” 

“And you are refusing why?” Tsunade’s heated gaze was now locked on Iruka, who did his best to stand still and look nonchalant.

“Not because of him,” Kakashi said sharply, “Though it shouldn’t make a difference if it was. I am free to make my own choices, after all. I just figured that if those missions were what destroyed me to a point where I had to rip out my own memories then I would be a fool to choose to repeat that mistake.”

“This is your duty to your village, Kakashi,” Tsunade shot back. “Are you a traitor?”

“No,” Kakashi replied calmly, looking her dead in the eyes, “This is my duty to myself, and to Iruka. I have never once put myself first, so that is what I am doing now.”

Tsunade rubbed her temples tiredly. “Fine. I’m not going to force you, Brat, though it pains me to see a fine shinobi like you waste away in his prime. Once your memories have stabilized a little then perhaps you can think about taking on another genin team.”

Kakashi looked like he was going to outright refuse, so Iruka jabbed him in the ribs. “Perhaps,” he adapted meekly. “It may take a couple of years.”

“Well, if you ever get bored and want a nice A-rank you know where to come.” Tsunade shifted her gaze to Iruka. “And you take good care of him, alright?”

Iruka nodded dumbly.

“I’ll need you to come to the tower weekly for check-ups, of course. You better show up for them.” Tsunade pointed a stern finger at Kakashi, the growing soft smile on her face belying her serious tone. “Look after each other.”

 

Once Tsunade had left, Iruka turned to Kakashi. “So. Care to explain what that was about?”

“I already explained, didn’t I?” Kakashi hedged.

Iruka raised an eyebrow and looked positively murderous.

“Look, I realise I’m supposed to be some sort of amazing fighting machine. I also realise that you don’t want me to be that, and after thinking it over I don’t want to be that either.” Kakashi shrugged. “I’ve been given a semi-clean slate, so I want to live my life in a new way. Starting with not throwing myself headfirst in lethal situations.” 

“I guess that’s something I can’t really complain about,” Iruka said slowly, “Though you really shouldn’t have been so rude about it. Tsunade-sama was actually being considerate.”

“After she realised I wouldn’t back down,” Kakashi mumbled, but shut up at the chūnin’s glare.

Iruka couldn’t hold it for long though, and soon broke out into a sly grin. “So, if you’re not taking dangerous missions and you’re focusing on what’s important in life, are you living with me?”

Kakashi looked surprised. “You would allow me to?”

Iruka’s expression mirrored his own. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Kakashi looked down at his feet and shoved his hands behind his back. “Well, I know I’m not the person you fell in love with. It’s impossible for me to be that person, because I’ve lost the memories that make me feel and act the way he did. But I still want to be with you and, I guess, I’m at least a part of that person?”

“Kakashi, look at me,” Iruka demanded. “You are not just your memories. Your memories and experiences are only a small part of what make you, and you haven’t lost everything. Your core being has not changed, and it is that part of you I fell in love with. We might have a way to go before things feel as comfortable as they used to, but you will always be welcome in my house and in my bed.”

“Really?” Kakashi asked.

Iruka smiled. “Really really. It’s not going to be easy, but I don’t want a life without you in it.”

One minute Kakashi was across the room and the next Iruka couldn’t breathe, the jōnin was squeezing him so tight. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

Iruka wiggled a bit so his ribs weren’t being crushed, and wrapped his arms around the jōnin’s back. It was going to be difficult, he hadn’t been exaggerating, but with Kakashi in his arms and his life finally pointing back in the right direction he couldn’t bring himself to care. “Bring it on,” he said quietly. “We can only go up from here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it. It's been a super long time coming, and hopefully it wasn't too disappointing (I'm notoriously bad at concluding things, sorry. It's probably too abrupt). Of course there are things I'm not happy with, knowing how long I've been writing this story for, but I am stoked to be able to say that this journey has finally come to an end. Thank you to everyone who came along for the ride either on here or on FF.net, you guys are awesome.


End file.
